Ask Me Help Desk - Should I be irritated or am I overeacting?

My boyfriend of 6 years and the father of my 4 year old daughter has been living with his male cousin, his cousins girlfriend and their 2 children for about 2 and a half months. My problem is that his cousins house is 5 minutes away from my parents house, Which is where my daughter and I live. We hardly ever see him and he doesn't come over after I get off work to help me with our daughter but when I go over to his cousins house to talk to his cousins girlfriend he's always over there spending time with his kid's.

For example tonight I went by to take his cousin's girlfriend grocery shopping, our daughter wanted to stay with here dad and the cousin's 2 boys stayed with my boyfriend also. Well while we were at the grocery store his cousins girlfriend sent my boyfriend a text, asking him if he would put they boys in the bath for her and when we got back, they were bathed and ready for bed.

My problem is that I go home every night by myself and I give our daughter a bath by myself with no help from him whatsoever. I feel like he's spending more time with his cousins kids than with our daughter and that he helps her daily at the house and I get no help. Now granted he does live there rent free and they live their and we don't, so he's going to be around them more than us but I can't help but feel that they are getting what my daughter and I are supposed to have.

Am I wrong??

You have a kid together, why do you have that living arrangement in the first place?

Is he working, do you have a court ordered custody, is there court ordered child support,

Is he paying you any support ?

Why are you not living together ?

But yes, he should be there almost nightly, helping with his child, this is not right.

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Originally Posted by N0help4u

You have a kid together, why do you have that living arrangement in the first place??

He doesn't have a job, he's a felon and can't find work right now. I live with my parents just because Im waiting on him to get a job so that we can live together.

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Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

Is he working, do you have a court ordered custody, is there court ordered child support, ?

Is he paying you any support ?

why are you not living together ?

But yes, he should be there almost nightly, helping with his child, this is not right.

He's not working, he's been out of prison 1 year and 2 months. No child support or court or anything of that nature. He doesn't help me with her financially at all because he doesn't work.

I just don't see how you have let him go on this long like this if he is your boyfriend and baby dad. Even with no job and no support if he is your boyfriend he should be there for you in some way.

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Originally Posted by N0help4u

I just don't see how you have let him go on this long like this if he is your boyfriend and baby dad. Even with no job and no support if he is your bf he should be there for you in some way.

It's been rough, but thankfully my parents have helped me out every step of the way. From the beginning I've been the one that my daughters been with cause she lives with me. I was 21 when I had her and I was still living at home. So by default I did the majority of everything myself. I never really needed help financially so it was more so needing physical help with her. Now that I look back I realize that he should have been helping with her financially regardless of if I asked or not but he would always get mad with me about not being able to claim her on his income tax and what stemmed from that was him being jealous and not helping out financially. When our daughter was 2 (5/2/10) he went to prison, he got out .6/18/12 and he had a job a couple of months after he got out and he would buy her things when he wanted or if I asked him too. He ended up getting fired and he's been jobless since, it's been about 7 months. I accepted the fact that that he couldn't help money wise and he lived with his dad about 20 minutes away so I didn't expect much physical help, plus he had no car to get to us freely. Now he's been living with his cousin for 3 months and he's 5 minutes down the road from where we live. His cousin has given him a car so he has transportation now. At first I just dealt with him not being there 100 % but now that he has a car and lives close I feel he should help out more. Especially when every time I go to the house he's spending time with his cousins little ones and helping with them but I'm 5 minutes away and he's not helping me at all.

Is he trying or is he leading you on? How serious is he about you if he isn't boring with you and the baby as much as he should? What would he say if you told him he needs to be more of a boyfriend and dad? Sounds to me like he is just full of excuses. Maybe he can't find a job but that shouldn't stop him from being there for you supporting you emotionally and with his help. You are letting him off way too easy

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I can't help but feel that they are getting what my daughter and I are supposed to have.

You're right. That's why you never should have had a baby in the first place. He is not employed, he's a convicted felon, he doesn't have much of a future from what you've said, and neither of you have two pennies to rub together to scrounge up even rent.

Both of you are dependent on family to support you, where you should be both able, independently, or together, to support yourselves.

Add a baby to the mix, and now you're questioning why he doesn't spend more time with the child he wasn't ready to have, with you.

You would be in a much better position to judge him, if you were supporting yourself, and realizing just what it is he isn't doing- i.e. support.

Being jealous of his cousin's children getting more attention than the child you share with him, is very petty and immature. IF he wanted to be a father, and was mature enough to realize what was involved, he'd be working on his future with YOU and his child! The picture here is much bigger than him spending more time with his daughter.

My advice to you is to improve your own lot in life. While you are lucky enough to be living with your parents, and receiving their very generous support, get an education. Get a job! Plan for a future for yourself, and your child. Starting behind the 8 ball, is hard enough, but adding a baby will make your life so much harder, but it can be done.

Don't count on him for anything, and stop waiting around for a lightening strike that will suddenly turn him into a hard working, supporting husband/boyfriend/father.

Make your own way in this world, and don't look back.

The jealousy only masks the problem. The problem being you need to make him wake up or dump him. He isn't much of a partner worth hanging on to and that I say for the simple reason is he is neglecting helping you with HIS kids

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Originally Posted by N0help4u

Is he trying or is he leading you on? How serious is he about you if he isn't boring with you and the baby as much as he should? What would he say if you told him he needs to be more of a boyfriend and dad? Sounds to me like he is just full of excuses. Maybe he can't find a job but that shouldn't stop him from being there for you supporting you emotionally and with his help. You are letting him off way too easy

Well he has recently had a lot of jealousy issues with Facebook and instagram, childish I know but he sort of got upset with me about those 2 things so he was upset, so that made him start acting out towards me but he says everything is OK now with us but recently if I don't initiate contact, it doesn't happen. That's the reason why I started just focusing on our daughter and not really worrying about the time he spends with me but it seems that he's not really coming to see her either. I try and have a talk with him about being a better dad and boyfriend often and he just says I whine and too much and either we are going to move forward or move apart. He also says that when he was trying to be a good boyfriend I treated him bad, but I didn't. What would happen was that for example I needed a thermostat on my car and he put it on, well one day I went grocery shopping and when he came back to the house I was bringing the groceries in the house, he asked me to heat him up something to eat and I asked him if he could do it because I still had some groceries to bring in and put up and he was just standing on the porch. Well that made him mad and he asked me to take him home. On the way taking him home he told me that he was going to take the thermostat off my car, he wanted to stop by the store on the way and he pulled the keys out of my ignition, so I would not leave him. While he was in the store I called my mom to tell her what happened in case he took my phone and when he came out of the store he asked for my phone, I didn't give it to him so as soon as I put the car in reverse to back out he snatched my phone out of my hand. We finally got to his house and he told our daughter to go in his dad's house and he kept my phone in his pocket cause he knew I wouldn't leave without my phone and our daughter. He went in the house got his dads tools and proceeded to take my thermostat off and put the old one back on. So it's like when he tries to be a good boyfriend he does it expecting me to never tell him no (ex: me wanting him to heat up his own food so I could get finished bringing the groceries in) and if I object to him he wants to take whatever he did back (ex: the thermostat). So I wasn't treating him bad when he was trying to be a good boyfriend , it's just that he did it, expecting me to bow down to him and if I made him upset he would take things back. I'm trying not to let him off easy, that's why I focus more on him being there for our daughter now but he says he's busy trying to better his life cause he's 28 and he needs to find a job but on the other hand he's trying to sell drugs now, which I am against but he tells me he's grown and he will do what he wants.

Quote:

Originally Posted by N0help4u

The jealousy only masks the problem. The problem being you need to make him wake up or dump him. He isn't much of a partner worth hanging on to and that I say for the simple reason is he is neglecting helping you with HIS kids

I've been trying to make him wake up for 6 years, it seems to only be getting worse. Your so correct, I just need to dump him. It's going to hurt but I will get over it. I've been talking to my family about it but I wanted to get opinions from people other than my family.

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QUOTES by Jake2008;I can't help but feel that they are getting what my daughter and I are supposed to have.

You're right. That's why you never should have had a baby in the first place. He is not employed, he's a convicted felon, he doesn't have much of a future from what you've said, and neither of you have two pennies to rub together to scrounge up even rent.

Both of you are dependent on family to support you, where you should be both able, independently, or together, to support yourselves.

Add a baby to the mix, and now you're questioning why he doesn't spend more time with the child he wasn't ready to have, with you.

You would be in a much better position to judge him, if you were supporting yourself, and realizing just what it is he isn't doing- i.e. support.

Being jealous of his cousin's children getting more attention than the child you share with him, is very petty and immature. IF he wanted to be a father, and was mature enough to realize what was involved, he'd be working on his future with YOU and his child! The picture here is much bigger than him spending more time with his daughter.

My advice to you is to improve your own lot in life. While you are lucky enough to be living with your parents, and receiving their very generous support, get an education. Get a job! Plan for a future for yourself, and your child. Starting behind the 8 ball, is hard enough, but adding a baby will make your life so much harder, but it can be done.

Don't count on him for anything, and stop waiting around for a lightening strike that will suddenly turn him into a hard working, supporting husband/boyfriend/father.

Make your own way in this world, and don't look back.

OMG!! It's like you know me personally! I love your advice and you are so right but since being old enough to work I've had a job and I save up money. I want to move out of my parents house but I was trying to wait for him to jump on the bandwagon and do it with us so we could be a family together, like my parents have always been. I guess it's time for me to stop waiting around on him cause life is way to short. Honestly I'm the type of person who worries about others well being before my own and that's a huge mistake, especially when it comes to being with someone who takes advantage of you. I'm just going to have to bite the bullet and let him and all of the hopes of a relationship with him go. I've always wanted a family and that's what I was trying to have but it's just not working and the fact that he lives with his cousin and they go out to the bar and strip club every weekend and he's being supported by him fully isn't making him do better if anything it's hindering him more and making him have less to do with me so he can do what he wants without hearing my mouth. I'll live though, I've definitely learned a lot from the past 6 years and I'm grateful for this experience.

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he's 28 and he needs to find a job but on the other hand he's trying to sell drugs now, which I am against but he tells me he's grown and he will do what he wants.

You have wasted enough time on a loser that's likely will be back in jail before he becomes a good father and life companion. My fear is that you will work your butt off building a good life for you and your child and he will ruin it.

Quote:

Posted by talaniman,
You have wasted enough time on a loser that's likely will be back in jail before he becomes a good father and life companion. My fear is that you will work your butt off building a good life for you and your child and he will ruin it.

You are absolutely correct, thank you for all of your advice. It's time for me to move on!

I think you need to leave this guy alone. Stop waiting for him to do something as it is obvious he's not. He's a bum and has no reason to change. Dump him and take care of you and your daughter.

Well crystal you can't be mad because it's things of this nature that made our relationship bad when you don't have to come to other people and ask for advice we can sit down andtalk but that's something you choose not to do and first hand dude don't support me I just stay there with him yes I drive his truck yes I put gas in it you know I get out and make money and yes bboys I have been to prison you guys don't know anything about me too judge me and to be honest this is the only time out of 6 years I don't have a job and let's not forget the fact when I was in prison I made sure you and trin had money and was OK and let's not forget when I was locked up you left me for another man didn't allow me or my family any contact with trinity and then the guy you was staying with was being mean to her and you and you still kept her around him after that but guess what after you done all that you wanted me back and I accepted you with open arm and treated you good only for you to treat me like crap and jealous yes I am because it makes you that way when you go on face book and see your woman talking to other men and things of that nature then you break up with me after I see another man on your face book and it turns out you know him in a manner that your to afraid to tell me so you celery your face book and break up with me but you know what everybody are going to dude with you when you don't tell the truth but give me a chance to defend myself before you try to blast me because you know I haven't done anything but love you and I still do so buddy give her the best you can because it looks like y'all having a good conversation based on lies oh yeah and I didn't even get to the part where when I try to spend time your always tired or doing something but I really can't believe you doing me like this

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

You have wasted enough time on a loser that's likely will be back in jail before he becomes a good father and life companion. My fear is that you will work your butt off building a good life for you and your child and he will ruin it.

don't judge me you know nothing about me or my situation how can you give somebody advice based on something you have no recollection about her to know me then Jude me

Obviously you are the boyfriend, and I thank you for presenting your side of it. So are you selling drugs or is she lying or not? That's was the basis of my advice.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Obviously you are the boyfriend, and I thank you for presenting your side of it. So are you selling drugs or is she lying or not? That's was the basis of my advice.

I'm not going to lie yes and it's to try to help support my family and no I shouldn't be doing that I know it that's why I get out here and try so hard but it's difficult having a felony on your record but I do try and I know she didn't tell this but I go to orientation in the morning for a job I get out here and do what it takes to support my family and to be honest she don't want to leave her mom house she wants somebody that will listen to everything and believe everything she had to say

And I think it's even a bigger problem when a person has to do something like this to feel better about a decision they make instead of sitting down with the other person and talk about things the way a family is supposed to do but I'm not about to put our business on the web for the world to see and can you give her advice on talking to me about our problems not to everybody that's going to tell her what she want to hear and to live as a family you must solve problems as a family

Thanks for your honesty, much appreciate it. I sympathize greatly with your dilemma, more than you know, but taking a penitentery chance as a felon is hardly encouraging for anyone to have faith and confidence in a bright future. I have worked with many ex felons on taking a harder, but better path to getting their acts together and can say if they take an easier path, out of desperation the results are a disaster.

Maybe you see no other way, but for now guy I don't think anyone can advise her to talk to you until you have proved to yourself you have other ideas that don't lead back to jail. And that you are worth taking a chance on, without putting her in a trick bag down the road. A job is a start, and I wish you well with it, and much luck overcoming the obstacles you will face, job, or NOT.

I hope you understand that I don't feel you being a family is a priority, but you getting your own life together is the priority to focus on and let the rest flow where it goes from there because until you stand for something positive, meaningful, and productive, you will fall for anything desperate.

You may want her support, and understanding, but I highly suggest you earn it, and cannot advise her in good conscious to fall into blind faith at this time.

I will pray and root for you and advise and answer any question you have, but at this time, cannot co sign for the path you have chosen for whatever reason. You can do better my friend, and should for yourself, not her, and she should protect herself.

I know you understand that as hard as it is to hear.

You can offer any advice you want but the fact still stands your going off false information don't make me happier don't make her happy and I apply myself in every way to support and supply and she don't have to be with me but I would like for her to tell the truth about conversing with other men while we're in a relationship and you can't fault me for my past and u have never put her our my child in harm's way with nothing I do I love that girl and I want my family

Why do you keep opening different accounts?
Look all I can do is tell the truth as I see it, its you and her that make decisions about your conduct, and you can't blame her for looking out for her own interests when the possibility of you returning to jail, or the bad life is very strong.

Intentions and high hopes got nothing to do with it.

DO NOT put out personal info on this site please. Its for YOUR protection, and privacy

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Obviously you are the boyfriend, and I thank you for presenting your side of it. So are you selling drugs or is she lying or not? That's was the basis of my advice.

and to be honest every social site I saw her on talking to other men seem to get deleted every time I let her know I know about it but continue giving her your great advice so she can tell you the next dude from the social and dating site didn't want nothing but sex but I feel as if you should call me