Ask Me Help Desk - Sister in law is not sharing new baby with the family

I have two children of my own, both grown up, my brother and her wife had a baby 7 months ago. At the beginning her wife was very possessive of the new baby and wanted to hold her baby all the time. We only got to hold her for a short while. She didn't allow us to hold the baby in the public, she would only share her when we went over to their house to visit. We really wanted to see them all the time but she would only allow us to go once a week. After a while she told me that we can only visit during the week as weekend is the only time they have as a family and she wants that time to use to clean their house and do stuff while my brother helps her to look after the baby. She said that she doent have her family around to help her so she wants to take advantage of the weekend when my brother is around to get her things done and can't have visitors all weekend. I told her she needs to make an effort to see us and that she needs to make time for us as this is good for her baby to have family around and good for us too. This whole thing made me so uncomfortable. Also, I always meant to help them by telling her what is the best in regards to raising kids. For example, I shared with her how giving dummy would settle baby and help them self-soothe but she insisted she didn't want to give her baby a binkie. After a few times I suggested this she got mad and told me to back off. I only meant to help and I only wanted the best for her family. Is this a normal behaviour? I am very hurt and I have decided not to see them anymore, I haven't seen her for 4 months now and she doesn't show any sign that she wants me around. I have waited for this baby for such a long time (they were married for ten years and I always wanted them to have a baby) and now that they have a baby I can't see her. This is hurting so much. I only shared my experience with her but she has such a strong mind set about raising her baby that she wouldn't listen to any suggestion. I always tell her she needs to have an open mind but she wants to stick to her own idea of raising children. Why is she acting like this? I used to care a lot about her but not anymore cause I believe a baby belongs to the whole family not only mum and Dad. What should I do?

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I told her she needs to make an effort to see us and that she needs to make time for us as this is good for her baby to have family around and good for us too.. . Also, I always meant to help them by telling her what is the best in regards to raising kids.

Where do you get off? This is THEIR baby, not yours. You have NO rights to see this baby, any visitation is up to the parents. And some mothers don't want advice, especially unsolicited or may not agree with your advice that comes from a different time.

You need to back off, apologize to her and tell her you understand her feelings as a new mother. Tell her you are willing to offer advice IF she asks and that you would like to be able to spend time with your niece. Tell her you are willing to abide by any rules she sets.

But get over this notion that you have any rights to see this baby or that unsolicited advice will be welcome.

DITTO! And - shared with her? You tried to shove your child rearing theories down her throat, not once but many times. You don't understand the line between what is yours and what isn't. You lost out on a chance to be an aunt by your pushy and demanding behavior. I don't think I have ever heard someone actually describe herself so clearly as someone I would bar the door from getting in.

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I have two children of my own, both grown up, my brother and her wife had a baby 7 months ago. At the beginning her wife was very possessive of the new baby and wanted to hold her baby all the time. We only got to hold her for a short while. She didn't allow us to hold the baby in the public, she would only share her when we went over to their house to visit. We really wanted to see them all the time but she would only allow us to go once a week. After a while she told me that we can only visit during the week as weekend is the only time they have as a family and she wants that time to use to clean their house and do stuff while my brother helps her to look after the baby. She said that she doent have her family around to help her so she wants to take advantage of the weekend when my brother is around to get her things done and can't have visitors all weekend. I told her she needs to make an effort to see us and that she needs to make time for us as this is good for her baby to have family around and good for us too. This whole thing made me so uncomfortable. Also, I always meant to help them by telling her what is the best in regards to raising kids. For example, I shared with her how giving dummy would settle baby and help them self-soothe but she insisted she didn't want to give her baby a binkie. After a few times I suggested this she got mad and told me to back off. I only meant to help and I only wanted the best for her family. Is this a normal behaviour? I am very hurt and I have decided not to see them anymore, I haven't seen her for 4 months now and she doesn't show any sign that she wants me around. I have waited for this baby for such a long time (they were married for ten years and I always wanted them to have a baby) and now that they have a baby I can't see her. This is hurting so much. I only shared my experience with her but she has such a strong mind set about raising her baby that she wouldn't listen to any suggestion. I always tell her she needs to have an open mind but she wants to stick to her own idea of raising children. Why is she acting like this? I used to care a lot about her but not anymore cause I believe a baby belongs to the whole family not only mum and Dad. What should I do?

This is going to seem very harsh to you, but you need to stop and think.

This is not your baby or the family's baby. It is their baby. She is the mother. Her rules are to be followed.

Just because you have raised children does not give you the right to tell her how to raise hers. Your attitude and behavior have probably caused more harm than any help you wanted to offer. It is probably very good that you have not had contact for the past few months. You need to learn boundaries and self-control before you talk to her again.

As a more experienced woman, your place isn't to lecture, but to give guidance when asked and to support the parents instead of telling them everything they are doing wrong.

Now that the harshness is out of the way, I understand how you feel and that you want the best for them and the child. That is normal. It is also very normal for a new mother to want to be protective of her child and status as "mother". If you think back to when your first was born, you probably had the same feelings.

I am going to suggest that you control the urge to take over and apologize to her and your brother for trying to control their family unit. Tell them that you will not longer offer your unsolicited advice, but you would be happy to share if she needs or wants your advice. You will not do anything to undermine the way they want to raise their child. You would be honored if they would give you a chance to be in their lives on their terms. You understand how hard it is to be new parents and you would like to help if they will allow it.

I know you mean well. But you need to learn to respect their boundaries.

Some people like a lit of structure and routine and a dense of control of precisely how they planned things. Even living out how they 'dreamed it would be' from a young age. You have to respect her wishes Its her baby.

I want to add here, that I also think your intentions are well meaning, especially from your own perspective. But you need to look at it from the parents perspective not yours. You come across as controlling, selfish and obsessive. Maybe you aren't those things, but clearly three of us, so far, saw the same thing.

You really need to step back and view this from your sister-in-law's point of view.

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Originally Posted by ScottGem

clearly three of us, so far, saw the same thing.

You really need to step back and view this from your sister-in-law's point of view.

Four of us -- count me in, too.

I was a new mom and got the same kind of treatment from my mother-in-law (who had told me which OB to go to and which hospital to have the baby at -- both terrible choices). According to her, nothing I did was right. She was the mother of five children and was a nurse. SHE knew how to do everything the right way. When she came over to "help," she was the one who sat in the rocker with my newborn while I did the laundry and washed dishes. After a visit or two, she was no longer welcome with her visits or advice. By the time I had my second baby four years later, I had figured out how to set up boundaries with her and our relationship gradually improved.

I'm 6.

Who are you to tell her how to raise her child? This is her child, not yours. YOU waited a long time for this baby? How about her? She waited 10 years to have her own child.

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I shared with her how giving dummy would settle baby and help them self-soothe but she insisted she didn't want to give her baby a binkie

That is her prerogative. Not all parents like to use pacifiers. They can cause poor feeding, dental damage and slowed speech.

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I always tell her she needs to have an open mind but she wants to stick to her own idea of raising children.

This is her child to raise. Not yours.

Your unsolicited advice comes across as rude and controlling. Personally I can understand why she doesn't want you around.