Ask Me Help Desk - He just won't have sex

Im 24 and my boyfriend is 31. We have been together 4 years and have a lovely relationsship but for at least 2-2.5years he has been neglective to me in the bedroom. No enthusiasm and I am constantly begging, initiating any sex we have. He suffered from severe depression 3 years ago, which obviously didn't help. And although I know he will always 'suffer' from it he isn't on any formal meds anymore. He says he finds me attractive, he just doesn't have the "urge". Im going CRAZY, fed up of talking about it. He accepts there's an issue but doesn't know what to do! Neither do I. I can't just walk away bcoz of sex can I?? :-( HELP I'm at my lowest. Please. X

You can walk away from because of sex. You can walk away because of any reason if it is important enough for you. It is just frowned upon with the "True beauty is within" movement because the perception is that you're dumping because they're no longer attractive. It can just become awkward because when people ask why you broke up with him. If this is driving you to your lowest then you should be looking at finding a solution. Whether this includes him is up to you.

To get a better idea of what is going on can we get more info? You said that he's suffering from depression. See how I didn't quote Suffer? You might not get it, but you do suffer. Trivializing like that shows that you're both frustrated by and don't accept that diagnosis because I think you think it is a cop out. One of the crutches that people use so that they don't need to take responsibility for their actions. It is a real affliction and you need to respect and support him to help him through this.

What is his life like? Is he tired/exhausted? What is his stress level? What is his job like? Other health issues? When was he last at a doctor? Drug/alcohol abuse? Weight? How is your relationship outside of the bedroom? Is it still functional.

This is a huge picture and we can't really offer advice until we have a better idea of what it looks like.

Quote:

Originally Posted by CravenMorhead

You can walk away from because of sex. You can walk away because of any reason if it is important enough for you. It is just frowned upon with the "True beauty is within" movement because the perception is that you're dumping because they're no longer attractive. It can just become awkward because when people ask why you broke up with him. If this is driving you to your lowest then you should be looking at finding a solution. Whether or not this includes him is up to you.

To get a better idea of what is going on can we get more info? You said that he's suffering from depression. See how I didn't quote Suffer? You might not get it, but you do suffer. Trivializing like that shows that you're both frustrated by and don't accept that diagnosis because I think you think it is a cop out. One of the crutches that people use so that they don't need to take responsibility for their actions. It is a real affliction and you need to respect and support him to help him through this.

What is his life like? Is he tired/exhausted? What is his stress level? What is his job like? Other health issues? When was he last at a doctor? Drug/alcohol abuse? Weight? How is your relationship outside of the bedroom? Is it still functional.

This is a huge picture and we can't really offer advice until we have a better idea of what it looks like.

He knows what he's doing as
His job is a doctor- he's on a rotation at the minute, not enjoying it. But when he starts his new rotation in aug I'm sure things will improve. I realise that people who suffer from depression will do so for life, they will fluctuate with the trials of life. I am extremely supportive but I can't see why I have to give up my happiness when he doesn't seem to chamge things. His diet is OK, (could be better) minimal exercise! But I try to encourage bike rides etc but he very stubborn and no telling him. Our general relationship is good- were affectionate, we laugh and share secrets etc. and I do love him! Its just this! I feel neglected, low self esteem and am fed up of the only one in the relationship bringing it up and trying to deal... Thanks for your help by the way. X

He's a doctor, so his exhaustion and stress levels are probably through the roof at this point. You had said that when he gets his new rotation things will improve. This is probably more telling then anything else you've said. His profession and hours are probably what's killing his libido. Stress and exhaustion are known to do that. It gets worse if you're working different shifts too.

Please take this away too. His reactions and slowing of his libido probably has nothing to do with you directly. It is a function of his life right now. It is also hard for him to realize that his libido has dropped and what effect that is having on you. He's probably mostly oblivious to what is happening here or why it is happening. I can almost guarantee that it isn't intentional. But if a man is dead tired, he'll opt for sleep over sex. There were a bunch of wasted opprotunities I had during university.

There are two broad paths you can take from here on out:
1). Leave him and find someone who's a little more sexually compatible with you. No shame in that. Why be frustrated all your life? Get someone whose libido is more in line with yours. The problem is though that the honeymoon period of a relationship will always have more sex before it slows down later on in the relationship. So it might be a pot shot regardless.

2). Work on this relationship. This might take a lot of work, so much that it is daunting, but it will be worth it. Outside the bedroom everything seems functional, so that is a good base. You'll have to be understanding that due to his job and depression he might not be able to perform to your standards. Also you'll have to understand that making a big deal of this will stress him out and make things worse. The key here is to get things into a more relaxing state for him so that he's more into having sex. Does that make sense? His might only occur when his rotation changes and he has a more decent schedule. You might want to get him into counselling or even couples counselling to work things out with them. This could also help him.

It's your choice in what you do. Good luck.

Quote:

Originally Posted by CravenMorhead

He's a doctor, so his exhaustion and stress levels are probably through the roof at this point. You had said that when he gets his new rotation things will improve. This is probably more telling then anything else you've said. His profession and hours are probably what's killing his libido. Stress and exhaustion are known to do that. It gets worse if you're working different shifts too.

Please take this away too. His reactions and slowing of his libido probably has nothing to do with you directly. It is a function of his life right now. It is also hard for him to realize that his libido has dropped and what effect that is having on you. He's probably mostly oblivious to what is happening here or why it is happening. I can almost guarantee that it isn't intentional. But if a man is dead tired, he'll opt for sleep over sex. There were a bunch of wasted opprotunities I had during university.

There are two broad paths you can take from here on out:
1). Leave him and find someone who's a little more sexually compatible with you. No shame in that. Why be frustrated all your life? Get someone whose libido is more in line with yours. The problem is though that the honeymoon period of a relationship will always have more sex before it slows down later on in the relationship. So it might be a pot shot regardless.

2). Work on this relationship. This might take a lot of work, so much that it is daunting, but it will be worth it. Outside the bedroom everything seems functional, so that is a good base. You'll have to be understanding that due to his job and depression he might not be able to perform to your standards. Also you'll have to understand that making a big deal of this will stress him out and make things worse. The key here is to get things into a more relaxing state for him so that he's more into having sex. Does that make sense? His might only occur when his rotation changes and he has a more decent schedule. You might want to get him into counselling or even couples counselling to work things out with them. This could also help him.

It's your choice in what you do. Good luck.

Thank you!! You really have helped, I just felt like such a for making him feel less masculine, a loser for not being his sexual desire and helpless to it all. But I'm going to really talk to him. Were too good to give up on this and I know he wants to work with me... Counciling, wow, that is daunting!. Thanks again. Uve put it into perspective. :)