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I met a young lady 9 months ago she lives in traralgon and I in Melbourne 1 1/2 drive the first say 4 months where really going well until she started night shift and every second weekend work. She has been getting run down latly and recently told me she suffers from post traumatic stress disorder. She needs time to be alone right now but says she still loves me and wants to go slow until her mental health can improve and also change jobs to a normal shift. Question is I've down everything right by her I've told her a lot about me and now she puts all that in the mix... do I stick by her even though her moods n sometimes the way she treats me is mean or do I leave and find someone without issues

It's clear from the way you write that you don't want to put any more effort into this, and you don't even say you love her, so yes of course you should leave. It's only fair to her.

What's your very first reaction to what I just said?

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Originally Posted by joypulv

It's clear from the way you write that you don't want to put any more effort into this, and you don't even say you love her, so yes of course you should leave. It's only fair to her.

What's your very first reaction to what I just said?

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My first reaction was more information would go along way I love her more then I have anyone and I've told her that many times I'm more worried she doesn't love me and will I be wasting my time if I try to stick by her with her mental health, I'm willing to make plenty of effort and realize its not going to be easy but I'm confused at this point because one minute everything was fine and then she tells me about her illness n how she needs space is that just her way if saying she would like me to leave her alone?

OK, fair enough. Keep in mind that PTSD may be a diagnosis, but it's first and foremost just a painful past, and knowing what that was and how you can provide comfort and understanding is what matters. It does take extra holding and listening. Saying nothing is preferable to saying 'helpful' things, other than that you are there for her.
I realize that a long commute plus her night job are adding a lot of logistical difficulty on top of all that.
I'd write to her. Tell her that you want to listen for a few hours, and just hold her. And that you will respect her need to sort out the stresses of work. If a weekend of comfort helps, take it from there. If it doesn't ---

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Originally Posted by joypulv

OK, fair enough. Keep in mind that PTSD may be a diagnosis, but it's first and foremost just a painful past, and knowing what that was and how you can provide comfort and understanding is what matters. It does take extra holding and listening. Saying nothing is preferable to saying 'helpful' things, other than that you are there for her.
I realize that a long commute plus her night job are adding a lot of logistical difficulty on top of all that.
I'd write to her. Tell her that you want to listen for a few hours, and just hold her. And that you will respect her need to sort out the stresses of work. If a weekend of comfort helps, take it from there. If it doesn't ---

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Thanks for your reply you just opened my eyes to something I couldn't quite see I will take your advice into account. Cheers

Been dating at girl for 9 months, about 3 months into it a friend of hers pops up, her best friend Melissa whom she hadn't been talking to for some time, I met her and disliked her but never made a big deal, weeks later she tells me after Melissa got married she asked her husband if she could sleep with a girl he agreed apparently so I question my girlfriend it's wasn't u was it she said no I'm straight and not into women that way so time goes on and I get silent treatment when the to of them are together, recently my girlfriend has been admired to hospital for counseling because of her work causing post traumatic stress disorder, I visits her and we talk then out of the blue she tells me Melissa said a few days ago she is lesbian and didn't know what to do, half hour later girlfriend tells me she is tired mind you I drove 1 1/2 hours to see her it was 4pm and I could have stayed till closing time 8pm but she tells me she is tired and I should go so I go then I find out she had called Melissa and she was going to visit, I know she isn't well but any thoughts might help clear my mind I don't know what to think the past week she hasn't been as touchy feely and now lesbian talk I don't know what to think. Cheers

It could all be coincidence. It could be she wanted a female friend by her side. It could be she is keeping secrets. Do you see any red flags, like she disappears and you don't know where she is or who she is with?

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Originally Posted by N0help4u

It could all be coincidence. It could be she wanted a female friend by her side. It could be she is keeping secrets. Do you see any red flags, like she disappears and you don't know where she is or who she is with?

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She tells me when she sees her friend but we live 1 1/2 hours away from each other so it could be more often I just don't get how she asks me to come all that way and then bang she is tired and then I go and she rings her friend who's having a crisis to if she is gay or not and I wanted to talk about our personal things and she brings her friend up and when I change the topic she gets tired, I also know her friend is jealous of us and is trying to separate us already tried a couple of times.

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Originally Posted by Geneoo

She tells me when she sees her friend but we live 1 1/2 hours away from each other so it could be more often I just don't get how she asks me to come all that way and then bang she is tired and then I go and she rings her friend who's having a crisis to if she is gay or not and I wanted to talk about our personal things and she brings her friend up and when I change the topic she gets tired, I also know her friend is jealous of us and is trying to seperate us already tried a couple of times.

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She does tell me about her friends issues maybe because I don't like talking about her friend she has to clear her mind and talking to her friend might clear it or she could have been hinting she may also think she is gay and her way of doing it is telling me her friend is gay?

Okay I didn't see the post about her work and mental health, With her mental health working night shift could be contributing to that. Sounds like she can't think clear and her friend could be confusing her. She wants time to get her head clear so give it to her. Let her live her life like you are out of the picture and let her decide what she wants. Hanging in there trying to make something she doesn't want to work will only prolong and give false hopes. Cut the strings and let her be. I doubt it will take long for her to decide which way she wants to go as long as she isn't feeling a sense of not wanting to hurt your feelings if she wanted to break up. She may decide to come back to you but she needs to have that space either way.

Lesbian or not, it sounds like she needs the 'talk' comfort of another woman at the moment, and maybe for quite a while.
I'd say it isn't worth driving 1 1/2 hours to find out that you aren't appreciated. Maybe you are like many guys and not a great communicator/listener, I don't know, but I'd give up.

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Originally Posted by N0help4u

Okay I didn't see the post about her work and mental health, With her mental health working night shift could be contributing to that. Sounds like she can't think clear and her friend could be confusing her. She wants time to get her head clear so give it to her. Let her live her life like you are out of the picture and let her decide what she wants. Hanging in there trying to make something she doesn't want to work will only prolong and give false hopes. Cut the strings and let her be. I doubt it will take long for her to decide which way she wants to go as long as she isn't feeling a sense of not wanting to hurt your feelings if she wanted to break up. She may decide to come back to you but she needs to have that space either way.

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That's the thing I gave her space but she got her mum to ring me to tell me she wanted me to come visit her but yeah then makes me go home only to see her friend, that's what is confusing I never pushed to see her but maybe now ill say no until she can make up her mind?

Right now she is running you like a carrot on a stick. Remind her she wants her space and you thinks Its best to stay away until she males a definite decision and sticks with it.

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Originally Posted by N0help4u

Right now she is running you like a carrot on a stick. Remind her she wants her space and you thinks Its best to stay away until she males a definite decision and sticks with it.

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New info... After her friend visited her she has gotten worse had a seizure and has been moved to another ward she was fine when I was there then after Mel she is worse!

This is too much drama, too many obstacles. I think you need to leave this woman alone. She obviously has some issues. I'd tell her the drive is too much to make on short notice and only for a short time, when she is better she can contact you if she chooses. You need to get on with your life as if she is gone. Don't put your life on hold.