I am 21, the last time I saw or heard from my father was when I was 8 years old. From the age of 2 to 8 he only sent cards at christmas and birthdays, he has never really been a big part of my life. He lives in new zealand and my mother and I moved to scotland when I was 2. Although he is not part of my life I think about him every day. I feel I am cynical and so messed up and untrusting of people and I am very quick to judge men and will cut them out of my life completely for doing the smalest thing wrong, like not texting me back. I'm not even sure if I believe in love. I don't want to be this way and I can't help but blame my father quite a bit for abandoning me at such a young age. I recently found him on Facebook but I haven't added him as a friend. I don't know if I should, now knowing he has Facebook has made me angrier to know it is even easier for him to contact me and he hasn't. I know it's a natural thing for a girl to want to get to know her father but I don't know if its my cynical side saying do I really want to or would be able to forgive him or should I follow what's natural and try contact him? There is no guarantee he will reply or even want to have any sort of replationship with me seeing as he has not bothered for 13 years. I really don't know what to do and I am looking for any advice.

I would also like to add that my mother done a fantastic job of raising me and I am very close to all my mothers side of the family (which is a big family) when I was younger my mum used to tell me things about my dad and said she will allways suport my decision and understands he is still my father and if I want a relationship with him she would suport that (regardless of how she feels about him) when I got a little older (still a child maybe about 10) I told her I didn't want to hear any more about him and I wanted to change my second name to my mothers name which I did legally when I was 16. I have allways been so angry with him, I still am but now I'm older I don't know weather or not to try contact him

What if you contact him and he rejects you?

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

What if you contact him and he rejects you?

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At least then I would know I done everything I could and it is genually not my fault. But if he does reply, I don't know if I even want any kind of relationship with him even if it is al little as emailing. I really don't know what I want or what to do. I just know I need some kind of advice, even if I disagree with it at least it would be another opinion

Have you ever gotten counseling to work through this rejection by him and to iron out your difficulties with males (and people) in your life?

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Have you ever gotten counseling to work through this rejection by him and to iron out your difficulties with males (and people) in your life?

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I saw a couple of counselers in school and college but I didn't feel it was consistent enough to help. Also I find it very hard to talk about, only about 3 of my friends know one of them doesn't know the whole story just the basics and another friend only knows because she has been a good friend since we were in primary 1 so she has been with me through it all.

If a counseler was to ask me direct questions I would answer but I don't think I could blurt it out on my own

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Originally Posted by tifforia

If a counseler was to ask me direct questions I would answer but I don't think I could blurt it out on my own

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The first question a counselor might ask is, "How can I help you?"

What would you say?

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

The first question a counselor might ask is, "How can I help you?"

What would you say?

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I would be nervous, even thinking how to answer that question is making me nervous.

I would say, I feel I have some issues with my father, I feel abandond. Then I would tel the counceler what I have wrote on this site. I would probably even read it off the site.

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Originally Posted by tifforia

I would be nervous, even thinking how to answer that question is making me nervous.

I would say, I feel I have some issues with my father, I feel abandond. Then I would tel the counceler what I have wrote on this site. I would probably even read it off the site.

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That sounds like a good plan!

You do realize you have broken the ice by posting here as honestly as you have, don't you?

Have you ever talked to your mother in depth about why he left?
Sometimes the story is poignant, other times cruel. And of course hearing the story from either parent may be not really what happened. But I would consider talking to her about finding him and possibly contacting him.
If you've already talked to her, perhaps you could just send a message (not a friend request) saying simply 'I am your daughter.' The ball is in his court anyway. That way you haven't bared your soul. The result might hurt, but at least you will know that you put yourself out there.

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

That sounds like a good plan!

You do realize you have broken the ice by posting here as honestly as you have, don't you?

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I did find it quite hard but I felt more comfertable knowing nobody who's who I am and no one can see me. I'm not good at showing my emotions or talking about them, wrighting is a lot easier especially since my real name isn't posted and no one I know can read this knowing its me.

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Originally Posted by joypulv

Have you ever talked to your mother in depth about why he left?
Sometimes the story is poignant, other times cruel. And of course hearing the story from either parent may be not really what happened. But I would consider talking to her about finding him and possibly contacting him.
If you've already talked to her, perhaps you could just send a message (not a friend request) saying simply 'I am your daughter.' The ball is in his court anyway. That way you haven't bared your soul. The result might hurt, but at least you will know that you put yourself out there.

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Thank you. My mum has always said I can talk to her about anythig and most of the time I can, we have a fantastic relationship, I have no brothers or sisters so it was allways just me and mum but when it comes to things that are upseting me I find it very hard to talk to anyone and especially my mum and family, I don't like them to see me upset. I know my mum would understand and would help any way she could, I just don't feel comfertable and find it really hard talking to her about it.

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Originally Posted by tifforia

I did find it quite hard but I felt more comfertable knowing nobody who's who I am and no one can see me. I'm not good at showing my emotions or talking about them, wrighting is a lot easier especialy since my real name isn't posted and no one I know can read this knowing its me.

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It's a good start, and by the way, I'm not only a retired librarian, I'm also a counselor. :)

How do you feel about finding a counselor in your area and going at least once a week? You can do phone interviews at first to find an office and counselor you feel connected to. I used to meet with my clients at their homes. I wonder if something like that would work for you and if a counselor or social worker in your area would do that. (Coming to an office seemed to upset my clients and make them nervous, so I would go to them.)

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

It's a good start, and by the way, I'm not only a retired librarian, I'm also a counselor. :)

How do you feel about finding a counselor in your area and going at least once a week? You can do phone interviews at first to find an office and counselor you feel connected to. I used to meet with my clients at their homes. I wonder if something like that would work for you and if a counselor or social worker in your area would do that. (Coming to an office seemed to upset my clients and make them nervous, so I would go to them.)

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I think that would be a great idea. But is my issues a problem enough to see a counceler? I know there are a million other people with problems much worse than mine.

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Originally Posted by tifforia

I think that would be a great idea. But is my issues a problem enough to see a counceler? I know there are a million other people with problems much worse than mine.

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And there are a million people who have less serious problems than yours and they go to counselors. :)

Yes, I think it would be good for you to meet with a counselor. Try it for at least four or five sessions. After all, you feel rejected (and you were!), and now that is affecting your relationships in life. You don't want to live like that for the next 80 years, do you? If I lived in Scotland, you and I could met at the local pub and munch on peanuts and drink Cokes while we talked this over.

WHY NOT? The past issues is between your parents and not your business to be upfront with you. A pancake has two sides (Dr. Phil).

People may not change per se, however, life continues and improvements and life circumstances do. What do you have to loose? Another 13 years? Dad may be someone you can be proud of and enhance your life. Maybe not - why not give him a chance unless he is a pervert?

I hope you contact him and when you do, do NOT attack him. Just inquire if he is in fact your dad and would like to chat with him a bit and ask your questions and LISTEN to his answers and NOT WITH SELECTIVE hearing. Your life may change for the betters - it's worth the chance you think?

Grandma

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

And there are a million people who have less serious problems than yours and they go to counselors. :)

Yes, I think it would be good for you to meet with a counselor. Try it for at least four or five sessions. After all, you feel rejected (and you were!), and now that is affecting your relationships in life. You don't want to live like that for the next 80 years, do you? If I lived in Scotland, you and I could met at the local pub and munch on peanuts and drink Cokes while we talked this over.

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Thank you so much! You have really helped me :) I will see a counseler and your right I don't want to live like that for the next 80 years. I just don't know how to go about finding a counsler?

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Originally Posted by tifforia

Thank you so much! You have really helped me :) I will see a counseler and your right I don't want to live like that for the next 80 years. I just don't know how to go about finding a counsler?

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Well, Google for one or two or three in your area or town? Make some calls? Is there a hospital or clinic in the area that would know about social workers or counselors around there? Or priest/ministers might do counseling or know of good ones? Is there a public library -- the reference librarian might have list of area counselors.

Please post here again as you are looking for someone, and let me know how your search is going.

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Originally Posted by jeep2005

WHY NOT? The past issues is between your parents and not your business to be upfront with you. A pancake has two sides (Dr. Phil).

People may not change per se, however, life continues and improvements and life circumstances do. What do you have to loose? Another 13 years? Dad may be someone you can be proud of and enhance your life. Maybe not - why not give him a chance unless he is a pervert?

I hope you contact him and when you do, do NOT attack him. Just inquire if he is in fact your dad and would like to chat with him a bit and ask your questions and LISTEN to his answers and NOT WITH SELECTIVE hearing. Your life may change for the betters - it's worth the chance ya think?

Grandma

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After speaking with wondergirl I feel speaking to a counselor to work through the issues ather left me with is my best option, I don't know if I even want to talk to him or not but I do know I want rid of these issues.I don't think I could ever be proud of a man who abandoned his own daughter and has showen no interest in her for 13 years and 6 years on and off before that. If there was a perfectly reasonable explination for his actions he has had plenty chances to prove it, my mum was allways happy for me to speak to him on the phone and would help me write letters to him and now I know he has Facebook it is even easier for him to contact me. It has taken me 13 years to get to were I am regarding my issues with him, if I was to contact him and it went badly what I have to loose is being set back and becoming even more cynical, being rejected at 8 years old is bad enough I need to think very carefuly about whether I want to go through that again and this time it is my choice, my decision so if it does go badly then I won't be able to help blaming myself for putting myself in that situation even though I would know him wanting nothing to do with me isn't my fault, I can say well I tried and its him who cut me out. But I don't know if he is worth the hastle and most likely heart ache that will follow regardless of the outcome. So yes, there is a lot to lose and a lot to think about. And my mum has never showen any bad feelings towards my dad and I know she would answer any questions I have, I made the decidion to hate him, and to change my last name on my own.

I believe in doing just what you said by 'doing everything I could'. That's what you do and take it from there. He may have had his reasons or it was just the way things went, but you take that step and let him know that you want to start over with having a relationship and getting to know him over again. If he doesn't take you up on it that's his loss. You shouldn't let what happened with your parents cause you to be untrusting, your dad has his side of the story too. Give him a chance.