My boyfriend killed himself because of me, how do I live with this?
About 2 and half months ago the love of my life committed suicide. My boyfriend 24 years old was like my shadow. We had been together almost every single day for the 1 year we were in a relationship. I had been told he had cheated on me and when I asked he would deny it. A few times I tried to discuss it, sometimes I would say "whatever.. just be completely honest with me and without any consequences I will be able to forgive you and begin to trust you!". He still denied ever cheating on me and this would frustrate me because it was obvious after something came positive in a medical test.
This could have been possible early in the relationship when his ex girlfriend (mother of his firstborn) was living with his parents. It all adds up. I also suspected 3 other incidents that I let go of for the sake of trust. A week before he died I tried very hard to resolve everything peacefully. It resulted with half a front tooth being knocked out. I forgave him but we still had problems. I had had enough of trying so I said "I'm leaving you, I love you but I want both of us to be happy!". He told me he couldn't live without me, begged me to stay, told me he loves me. As I was leaving he tried hanging himself incidents of his family. They were there for him, they saved him. I knew his family did not like me or did not want me around, so this gave me even more reason to leave, so I grabbed everything a did so.
Later that day he called and called but I ignored the phone. Inside I missed him and wanted to answer but was angry. I answered the last call 4 hours later. He was very upset. I asked where his family was, he told me they had gone to his sisters birthday dinner and he stayed home with his dad who was asleep. He told me he loves me, and he asked if I love him too, I said yes. Then I said I used to. The phone just went quiet. But I lied. I love him till this day and on. Well I tried hanging up and calling back, no answer. Finally his father answers " Are you happy now you mole ? He's dead, and hung up. I was in disbelief. I went to the police who had confirmed it was true. I still did not want to believe this. I can't describe the pain and panic. I was cut off until the funeral. I dressed him with his family and ex girlfriend. They took my photos because they had no recent ones.
Sometimes I think I had been used and abused. After the funeral the father was trying to become close to me when one night he wanted me to lie with him. I refused but he was adamant about with what he wanted. He then had sex with me when I said no but I was scared, so I didn't touch him or push him off. Instead I threw up. The fathers family had suspected what was happening, which happened 2 other occasions. I was so lost and confused at why this was happening to me and how would it stop when this man was also suicidal and I felt responsible for one life already, I had to save another.
The only option I had was to run. My family ran away with me. I was overthinking and guilt was eating me away, and I felt I didn't deserve life, so I took 50 sleeping anti depressants called endep. I thought I'd die for sure but I was so upset when I woke up in a hospital alive. I was admitted to a psych ward for help. The hospital blood tests you every so often and they had found I was pregnant. I was happy. It was a gift from god. But who could this baby belong to?
Either way I'm a mother with unconditional love for MY child who gave me reason to live. I told my boyfriends family with hope the baby was my boyfriends with something good I could give back to this family, but I'm now running the risk of a huge lie. I don't want to hurt them more than they have already been hurt. What have I done? What do I do? I feel I may not be able to live with what has been done. After the baby is born it may need to go to a better home or am I worthy of being a mother?
