Hello.
The girl I am in love with is also a close friend of mine. I have know her for close to 3 years and, well, my feelings are becoming unbearable. Since I am kind of anti-social, I have never been in a relationship, and, thus, I am unable to conclude if she likes me as well. However, since I have known her, she has dated two other guys, not exactly a good sign. Cursed as I am though to hold on to this hope, this dream, that, one day, things will change, my mind has finally started to fall apart. I merely seek advice on what I should do. Should I:
1. Go on living life as I am, as a lie, and continue to subject my heart and mind to this pain.
2. Tell her how I feel and risk losing her as a friend.
3. Push her out of my life in an attempt to ruin all hope and, thus, bring a definite conclusion that there is no hope. (Sometimes, I feel like hope is hurting me more than being rejected, but, then again, my judgement feels clouded.)
4... I really hope someone can give me a solution that still leaves hope and aids in subsiding my pain.
I cannot provide words sufficient to convey my gratitude for aid, so I hope "thank you" is adequate.

Being shy is actually attractive (to my mind).
I realize it's painful, so plan some things to say. Write them down and study them.
Here's some ideas, but don't do what I say, do what feels best to you:
I wouldn't want to ruin our friendship by offering to love you, but I could in a heartbeat.
If one more of these other guys turn out to be no good, there's always me.
I wish I weren't too shy to tell you how I feel about you.
Why aren't there more women exactly like you?

If you want, practice some things to say on us.

The short and quick answer: I'd be honest and up front with her, in a manner that doesn't completely freak her out (i.e. don't "confess" your love). Just tell her you have feelings for her during a lunch or something casual. I know it's natural to be nervous, but at some point you need to give it a shot. This isn't the first time a friend has developed feelings for another friend, and it won't be the last. If they are a good friend, you shouldn't worry about losing them. Can't really benefit from things you never take a chance on.

Wow. You have so much negativity about you that I am sure it comes across in your actions/behaviors/conversations/ etc.

Negative statements include:

"Since I am kind of anti-social"
"Cursed as I am though "
"my mind has finally started to fall apart"
"bring a definite conclusion that there is no hope"

Yuck! People want to be around AND are attracted to positive type people. You need to become more positive and then you will be a naturally attractive person. Think about it - what you are doing now isn't working. So you need to go about changing that and heading in a new direction.

Oops, can't give Oliver a greenie.

I want to add something that is more of an answer to exactly what you asked: option # 2, ALWAYS. How can you possibly go through the rest of your life not knowing? Yes, it's a risk, but you can reduce the risk considerably if you handle it right. Be sure when you plan your things you might say that they include how much you value the friendship. Say nothing negative: no 'I know I might lose your friendship.'
You are the only one who can decide what to do if she turns your love down yet still wants to be friends. I would force myself to break it off, so that the pain is brutal for a short time instead of just awful for a long time.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by joypulv

Oops, can't give Oliver a greenie.

I want to add something that is more of an answer to exactly what you asked: option # 2, ALWAYS. How can you possibly go through the rest of your life not knowing? Yes, it's a risk, but you can reduce the risk considerably if you handle it right. Be sure when you plan your things you might say that they include how much you value the friendship. Say nothing negative: no 'I know I might lose your friendship.'
You are the only one who can decide what to do if she turns your love down yet still wants to be friends. I would force myself to break it off, so that the pain is brutal for a short time instead of just awful for a long time.

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Agreed. The pain of losing a love always subsides and tomorrow is always another day. The greatest love of your life might be the next person you meet. Some of us are lucky that we found that person already. Others will be lucky tomorrow, next week, next month, or even next year. And that is always okay!

Long term, whether you bite the bullet and tell your friend, you should focus on getting over your shyness and overcoming your fear of talking to the opposite sex. It will go a long way in your future relationships. For that, I suggest lots and lots of practice.

Always be honest, first to yourself, and next to others,

How old are you both and why add all this unnecessary drama to say you have feeling you don't know how to control? How old are you both???

Quote:

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Originally Posted by talaniman

How old are you both and why add all this unnecessary drama to say you have feeling you don't know how to control? How old are you both???

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We are both 16. As for this unnecessary drama, I don't know why I included it; I merely typed a summary of my thoughts.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by joypulv

Being shy is actually attractive (to my mind).
I realize it's painful, so plan some things to say. Write them down and study them.
Here's some ideas, but don't do what I say, do what feels best to you:
I wouldn't want to ruin our friendship by offering to love you, but I could in a heartbeat.
If one more of these other guys turn out to be no good, there's always me.
I wish I weren't too shy to tell you how I feel about you.
Why aren't there more women exactly like you?

If you want, practice some things to say on us.

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I don't know what's harder: Finding the words or finding the courage to tell you how I feel.
If you still can't find someone, maybe you could take a chance with me.
The more I look the more I realize no one else is like you.

Well... I feel like all I did was rephrase what you said... Regardless, when would it be a good time to say something like this?

Pretty good! Not paraphrasing (but that would be OK - feel free to use my examples).

A good time would be any time you have just had a good time together. You could say it just as you are going your separate ways, and you smile and turn to go, but walk backwards or look back to get the expression on her face. You could say it when sitting next to her but not facing her, so that she can gather her thoughts. Any time and place where she is not put on the spot to answer immediately. I think seeing her face is important, however, because the first instant of reaction is the best clue of how someone feels. If she just wants to remain friends, she may sigh and have a soft thoughtful look. If she likes the idea of a romance, her face might look surprised and wide eyed and happy.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Ajek

We are both 16. As for this unnecessary drama, I don't know why I included it; I merely typed a summary of my thoughts.

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Realize that if your thoughts are negative your actions and conversations will be as well. Learn how to be positive. Learn how to have fun.

I think this borderlines on an obsession if it hasn't crossed that line. In any case it is an unhealty fixation. It certainly isn't love... what it is, is lust... love doesn't occur in a vacuum... and that's exactly what you have here... a vacuum.

It's a small step from here to becoming a stalker... trust me you don't want to go there.

Friends most times don't want to take that extra step... even if they really are close friends.

If she really was interested she would have been giving signals... and if she was she wouldn't be going out with this other person.

What those signals are can be and likely will be different from person to person. But they will be things that go beyond what would be appropriate in a casual friendship.

I've got lots of female friends... and even if I was available and they were too... nothing would still happen with most of them. Because we are just friends... and incidentally some of my friends are gay... but I'm not... they don't try to put the make on me... because they know I'm not into that.

It's a hUGE step to assume she is either gay or bi... since she has made NO indictions she is.

You might ruin a good friendship if you push it... even if you were opposite sexes... or even if she was because if one person is very interested and the other isn't... thats a huge awkwardness that can break up a friendship.

I think it is important to consider that the girl you love, is not gay. That you have known her for three years, seems to be a considerable amount of time for at least some indication that she was interested in you, other than for friendship.

If you are uncomfortable telling her you are gay, let alone interested in her, she may very well accept you as you are, and carry on a friendship. But, if you tell her both that you are gay, and interested in particular in her, that double-whammy might just end the friendship.

I think with how you have described yourself, your reluctance to do either seems a lot to do with a lack of confidence and experience, in either the straight world, or the gay world.

I suspect that she is not the only one who does not know that you are gay.

It might be better to first tell her who you really are, and if the friendship is on solid ground, the friendship will survive.

After that, (your interest in her), will be clearer to you by either her actions (she has said as much by dating males), or her words, which will hopefully be of acceptance toward you, as a friend.

To expect more will only come after you are honest about who you are, first.

You seem to have no other social outlets my friend and for a young guy you have limited yourself to the easy and convenient of fixating on what appears to be your only friend. Do nothing but get a life and see more options and opportunities you may have but don't see.

You really do need to learn to interact with more people, and have more activities that you enjoy to balance your feelings and experiences to give you perspective and insights into yourself, and how best to cope with YOUR feelings in positive healthy ways.

Don't be afraid to explore your own potential, expand your comfort zone, and learn how to be positive instead of dark, and negative. In short, you are not ready for any relationship until you improve greatly the relationship with YOURSELF. Until you sort yourself out, I strongly recommend you don't sabotage the only friendship you seem to have.

If a long time friend is your only option for romance, or fun with the opposite sex, for sure it's a red flag that you are to narrow and limited in your thinking, or approach to your own life.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by talaniman

You seem to have no other social outlets my friend and for a young guy you have limited yourself to the easy and convenient of fixating on what appears to be your only friend. Do nothing but get a life and see more options and opportunities you may have but don't see.

You really do need to learn to interact with more people, and have more activities that you enjoy to balance your feelings and experiences to give you perspective and insights into yourself, and how best to cope with YOUR feelings in positive healthy ways.

Don't be afraid to explore your own potential, expand your comfort zone, and learn how to be positive instead of dark, and negative. In short, you are not ready for any relationship until you improve greatly the relationship with YOURSELF. Until you sort yourself out, I strongly recommend you don't sabotage the only friendship you seem to have.

If a long time friend is your only option for romance, or fun with the opposite sex, for sure it's a red flag that you are to narrow and limited in your thinking, or approach to your own life.

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There is a great deal of truth in what you say. I have had similar thoughts despite disagreeing with some of what you said. Setting that aside, for it is naught in the presence of the many truths. I realize I must improve the relationship with myself, for it is obvious it must be poor if I am so troubled. Expanding my confort zone, learning to interact with people... even though I see the necessity to do this, it makes it no easier and provides no light as to where to start. I may not be social, but I am not a complete fool; I have tried to reach out, to expand. I have tried to learn to interact with people, talk to them, but it feels like it is for naught. It is disheartening when I look back and all I do is repeat the same words, the same concepts and how I quickly I run out of things to say; despite the other person moving from subject to subject, asking questions, I struggle to keep a conversation for more than 2 minutes. In addition, regardless of who it is with, the conversation is typically far from fluid when compared with that of my peers. I am unable to understand, to comprehend what to say, when to say it, when to remain quite, or when to speak regardless of the subject. I have tried, and tried, and tried, but I still feel like I am no farther than when I started. Am I going at this from the wrong angle? Not trying hard enough?
To learn to interact, to expand my comfort zone, to improve my realationship with myself... where is a good place to start? (clearly this seems like a deeper issue; as such, if you don't mind, could we focus on this and discard the initial issue?)

You seem to be fairly articulate with writing down your thoughts, so I think it is more-so your nervousness when approaching others. I like to think of what I do as the art of "BS" (I'm sure you can guess what that acronym stands for). You say you've "tried" several times, as if you've given up hope. This is something that has to be constantly worked on, developed, nurtured... you get the idea. Do you judge yourself too harshly to even maintain a healthy and fruitful conversation? Conversations don't always need to solve world hunger or the mystery of JFK's assassination. They can be fun, informal, and casual. Are you often times a very serious individual? There shouldn't be a whole lot of "try" as it should just be a natural development of light hearted dialogue between two or more people.

KC makes a good point of being able to make of small talk, chit chat, light hearted banter. I find the best place to practice those skills are in line at a grocery store, or bus stop, between class or at work. The key is to practice interacting with people, and some days are better than others, but it's fun mixing, and mingling.

When you are comfortable with YOURSELF, others will be comfortable with you too, and when you are happy with yourself you will attract others who want to share that happiness with you. The options and opportunities are boundless in many areas of life just with a positive attitude about yourself.

Say good morning to the guy in the mirror and smile at him, and see for yourself. He will ALWAYS smiles back. He can't help it and neither can others.