Ask Me Help Desk - Boyfriend confused about his feelings for me

I bet most of you already stumbled upon this situations in here so I hope you all can help.

I've started dating a sweet guy in January this year. I broke up with my boyfriend, from a five year failing relationship to be with him, because he was treating me well and is a loving companion.

About a few months ago he broke up with me. Insecurities regarding his past relationship were involved, the it´s not you its me thing, because I wan´t to still be your friend and not want to screw up our relationship and the ultimate "I like you only as a friend"... well the full book of excuses.

It was hard for me but I was starting to accept it... I was backing away, although he was always asking how I was, or if wanted to play something, always something. So I started ignoring him and that's when he collapsed. He said it was a mistake and wanted to come back (although he told me if he did find it as mistake he would have to live with it) because he missed me. So okay, here´s to another shot at it.

HIS PAST: He dated a girl for 3 years who went to work to Angola and dumped him. Their relationship started well, but then she turned into an Ice Queen... he was nothing to her and she was so cold to him. Just for you to see, I was surprised when he told me he didn´t remember what it was to cuddle or be treated well. That queen still messes with his head because it made him a lot more cold. We are talking about a guy EVERYONE told me to treat right because he was "kind, a gentle heart and I could not hurt him" (well he hurt me instead just like his ex did to him...). This because he came out depressed as hell... you know those guys that get so depressed they depress others. That's him. Always calling his ex months after the breakup and stuff... always fighting. But he lost that one and while with me he realized what was an healthy relationship and he told me "I can't believe I can love again".

NOTE: We live several miles apart, I have to take a train to see him every once a week, but I stay there for two nights max.

So know everything has been smooth... but last night I had to ask how were his feelings towards me at the moment. Oh well, he is confused... again if he likes me as a friend or something else. So I ask him "well, those times you say you love me, do you mean them?", he says yes and I actually believe him, I know he would say no if it was like that.

On a side note, he is one of those who does not say "I love you" that often because he does not want to make it something common.

I ask you all, what can I do for him? I care for him, I love him, I treat him right and want this to evolve. He on the other hand says he is happy with me but that is not all. He says he likes me because I care for him, I am always there for him, I am everything he wants even with my flaws (ed up temper).

What can I do? I am thinking of asking him to make a decision and take a step forward with our relationship. A small step, something he feels comfortable with, just so to boost a bit his confidence in us. Don't know if I should ask him the good way (I´ll be here even if you don't) or the hard way (I'll go if not because I don´t like being played with). Even some other option, a way to make him see why he is confused, because that is also the main question at the moment and what can he do to get it figured out.

All I know is this... he may like some girls as friends, like he once thought he liked me, but I can get him confused.

It's been about 7 months, and you live far apart... not that long to really know each other.
I am one of those people (and I'm female!) who cringes at demands for declarations of love.
'... last night I had to ask how were his feelings towards me at the moment. Oh well, he is confused... again if he likes me as a friend or something else. So I ask him "well, those times you say you love me, do you mean them.. '

I would have run out the door and not looked back. It's bad enough to ask what someone's feelings are toward me. But to double check on how much he means it when he does say he loves me?? OUCH

Love is many things, but getting it branded on your forehead isn't one of them. Mutual admiration, respect, compromise, sharing, and understanding, mixed together over the highs and lows of time = love.

Quote:

Originally Posted by joypulv

It's been about 7 months, and you live far apart... not that long to really know each other.
I am one of those people (and I'm female!) who cringes at demands for declarations of love.
'... last night I had to ask how were his feelings towards me at the moment. Oh well, he is confused... again if he likes me as a friend or something else. So I ask him "well, those times you say you love me, do you mean them..'

I would have run out the door and not looked back. It's bad enough to ask what someone's feelings are toward me. But to double check on how much he means it when he does say he loves me??? OUCH

Love is many things, but getting it branded on your forehead isn't one of them. Mutual admiration, respect, compromise, sharing, and understanding, mixed together over the highs and lows of time = love.

I am someone who is very patient and I know that his head isn´t in its place at the moment and he is also someone that does not tell that there is a problem on the spot, I have to get it out of him so we can work it out (that´s why I persistent)

We have everything in the last part of your reply, but something is keeping him from evolving with me instead of being in his dark corner frozen in time...

I reread your post and see that he still calls his ex. That is not a good sign, if he is confused and still miserable over her. Especially if they are fighting! Or is all that in the past - not totally clear.
What to do? Break up with him. He broke up with you and wanted you back and you took him. Time for him to experience the same, not for revenge, but to get him to decide whether he wants to carry a torch for an Ice Queen or have good warm loving. He may be the type of man who can only want what he can't have, and you need to find out.

For starters, stop badgering him.

Back off and keep learning and getting comfortable with each other with no pressure for more than the other is capable of. You are pushing for what you want, and what you think he needs, and clearly he isn't as ready as you are.

He wants to go slow, then go slow, or look elsewhere for romance. A flower doesn't bloom on your time. You have to wait until it's ready.

Oh no no no you understood me wrong! He only called her a lot after she broke up with him, which has been over 2 years ago

Quote:

Originally Posted by joypulv

I reread your post and see that he still calls his ex. That is not a good sign, if he is confused and still miserable over her. Especially if they are fighting! Or is all that in the past - not totally clear.
What to do? Break up with him. He broke up with you and wanted you back and you took him. Time for him to experience the same, not for revenge, but to get him to decide whether he wants to carry a torch for an Ice Queen or have good warm loving. He may be the type of man who can only want what he can't have, and you need to find out.

OH! No no no! I must have made it unclear... he used to call a lot her ex after she broke up with him which was over 2 years. After that he moved on and has never made contact he actually hates her

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Back off and keep learning and getting comfortable with each other with no pressure for more than the other is capable of. You are pushing for what you want, and what you think he needs, and clearly he isn't as ready as you are.

He wants to go slow, then go slow, or look elsewhere for romance. A flower doesn't bloom on your time. You have to wait until it's ready.

I´ll go as slow as he wants, I just don´t want him toying with me if he has mix feelings. If he truly wants to be with me I´ll wait as long as it takes

"he actually hates her"

He tells you he hates his ex; he will tell the one that follows you that he hates you.

How old are the two of you? If you posted, I missed it.

Have you had other relationships?

Well I´m 22 and he will be 26 in December.
I doubt pretty much that he will say that he hates me if he breaks up with me because he already had 2 girlfriends (including the ice queen) and he talked well about his first girlfriend. That she liked him a lot and treated him well. He spent 5 years with her but he sent her away, but he was still a kid I think he broke up with her in his 18´s or 20´s...
He also speaks the good things that happened with that girl who dumped him, that made him grow up a lot more as a person, but in the end she wronged him.

Anyhow, myself, I´ve had only one relationship that lasted 6 years. He broke up with me 4 times for no reason at all and I got sick of it. While my guy has some confusion in his head and tells me, the other just came at me and said "yeah it was fun bye".

The reason people here are suggesting that you back off is based on several things you say, I think. One is "I have to" take the train to see him. Huh? You don't have to do anything. Why doesn't he take the train to see you half the time?

Another is the way you want answers about love, meaning commitment (plus the dreaded 'do you really mean it when you say you love me').

Of course we don't know you. But the way people write even a few short paragraphs reveals a lot. You do sound like you rush things. If asking doesn't get what you want, you stop asking. If you don't enjoy that, you LEAVE.

Quote:

Originally Posted by joypulv

The reason people here are suggesting that you back off is based on several things you say, I think. One is "I have to" take the train to see him. Huh? You don't have to do anything. Why doesn't he take the train to see you half the time?

Another is the way you want answers about love, meaning commitment (plus the dreaded 'do you really mean it when you say you love me').

Of course we don't know you. But the way people write even a few short paragraphs reveals a lot. You do sound like you rush things. If asking doesn't get what you want, you stop asking. If you don't enjoy that, you LEAVE.

I have to take the train first off because he has a place for me to stay (I go there and stay a couple of nights) and I don´t, also he is working (from 11am to midnight) so it´s impossible for him to come here, the max he does is paying my train tickets.

I am not rushing things at all, I just asked if everything was OK between us, how is that rushing? I´ve known him for at least 2 years as a friend as well so I am already comfortable with him in a lot of things

"I am not rushing things at all, I just asked if everything was ok between us, how is that rushing? I´ve known him for at least 2 years as a friend as well so I am already comfortable with him in a lot of thing"

Why did you ask the question if you don't want any advice?

Quote:

I've started dating a sweet guy in January this year. I broke up with my boyfriend, from a five year failing relationship to be with him, because he was treating me well and is a loving companion.

This may seem a bit harsh to you, but it may also be part of his taking things a slower pace than you seem to want.

You left a long-term relationship to be with this person and I think you have some insecurity about making the right choice. Are you worried that if he doesn't want to take things to the 'next' level when you are ready that you may have made a bad decision?

How was he treating you well and a loving companion before you started dating?

It really isn't uncommon for relationships that start with one partner jumping from the past relationship into the present one to have insecurity issues. They can manifest in the new partner backing up and waiting for the partner to jump to the next relationship. At the same time the 'slider' is worried that he/she may have made a mistake leaving the old relationship.

Think about your motivation in wanting this to progress at a faster pace. Are you encouraging yourself to feel more for him than you really do? Are you in love with him or with being in love?

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

"I am not rushing things at all, I just asked if everything was ok between us, how is that rushing? I´ve known him for at least 2 years as a friend as well so I am already comfortable with him in a lot of thing"

Why did you ask the question if you don't want any advice?

I´m asking advice on how to help him out figuring out his confusion regarding his feelings for me, because I don´t know if he in fact likes be but he´s repressing it due to what happened to him.

'I am not rushing things at all, I just asked if everything was OK between us, how is that rushing?'

Yes, you are rushing. You want the relationship to go to some next level. Re-read what you wrote.

You strike me as overly dependent on words. Words of love, assurance that words of love are meant, promises, commitment. Relationships are defined by actions, not words. If you don't SEE and FEEL enough from him, then leave. And if he begs you to come back like last time, don't go. Once is enough; after that you are just a fool.

He works nights. I wonder if he feels adequate in his work. Studies have shown that men care more about their work in terms of their self-worth and masculinity than sex, appearance, or anything else. He may not feel that he can commit to a woman with all that it implies - marriage, children, etc, with a night job.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ghilanna

I´m asking advice on how to help him out figuring out his confusion regarding his feelings for me, because I don´t know if he in fact likes be but he´s repressing it due to what happened to him.

Maybe he isn't confused, just not ready after 7 months. Maybe for now you are the answer to loneliness, or being alone. I really think you not get attached so much or see him as a romantic solution for what you want, as clearly for now he isn't.