My son is turning 19 this year. He was living with his girlfriend and daughter but that relationship broke down in February of this year, and he returned home. He was at a very low point of his life so I mothered him naturally.

Now however his attitude in life just stinks. He won't find work, I get no help whatsoever, and he constantly stands with his hand out demanding that he will get what he wants, and that's it. He is normally a lovely young man, and would walk to the end of the world for you. I have tried to reason with him, shout at him, talk to him almost everything. His response is no I'm not looking for work cause I don't want to work, or his attitude when told he's getting no more is you will give me and you will do for me.

I'm am very close to throwing him out, I don't want to do this, he is my 1st born, but I'm am close to it. What choice do I have. I am truly at my wits end as in I am crying constantly, and can't control it. I also have a 12 year old daughter and I don't want this rubbing of on her. The atmosphere in the house is horrible and my daughter can sense it. Anyone, any ideas please?

Sometimes tough love is the best love.

I don't want this to sound rude, I want you to think about it before you respond. Who is the parent here? You or him? You set rules and you set boundaries while he is living under your roof. If he chooses not to abide by your rules and boundaries, then he chooses to live elsewhere.

Sometimes being a mother sucks. You have to cut the apron strings and let them learn the hard way. At this point in his life you have done all you can for him. Now it's time to push him from the nest and let him learn to fly on his own.

There is nothing 'natural' about mothering this young man.

I think that more likely than not, the behavior you are seeing from him now, is not new. What was he like before he moved in with his girlfriend, and, is the baby his?

You are doing him no favours by not allowing him to grow up. To throw a lifeline to him with money, food, shelter, and emotional support, only furthers his idea that he is needy, and you need to provide for him, and you do!

He needs to learn, on his own, to be a man. He needs to find work, his own place to live, and if that baby is his, he needs to support him or her. NOT working is not an option when he has obligations in life, that we all have.

I doubt it will be unexpected that you will be forced to do make some drastic changes in your household for the health of all concerned.

Provide him with information such as where the welfare office is so he can arrange emergency funds to survive, and get counseling on how to start planning for his future. It may mean education, and so be it- he will make choices if he has the support to do it.

The support can no longer come from you.

That you are so emotionally blind right now will make this task difficult, and I suggest to you, that you should also seek counseling to understand in a clear way that what you are allowing now, will further affect your life, in a negative way. Learn how to be independent of your son, and him you.

When you are strong enough to let him go, you will need a plan, and the strength to stick to it.

The most important thing you can do for your son, and for yourself, is to simply let him grow up and be a man.

Cry after you tell him to get the a job or get the hell out. Our kids should never be allowed to take their anger and frustrations out on the parents in their own home, without serious consequences at the first sign of disrespect, and not months later.

He had a fantastic job, full time getting paid fantastic wages for a young man of his age. Yes the child is his and without going into too much detail the relationship he had with this girl is what changed him, don't get me wrong I blame him also for allowing this girl to treat him the way he was treated. He was not allowed to work, and the domestic violence he went through for a year before I found out was second to none. Before this young woman he had dreams he had focus etc. again I think he has to bear blame here for allowing this to happen. I know I have sat back at 1st as he was very low in his life and suicidal but now enough is enough. I have always pushed him and he has accepted what my rules are. Just lately I can't shake him to focus on wanting something more in his life. I think I'm just going to have to do the tough love and give him the time frame or to leave my home. He knows exactly how I feel, I am not a soft parent by no means but I normally he jumps to what I recommend just this year he has spark no notions no dreams no nothing

I have no idea what the situation is and I agree that you are not doing him any favors right now and you are really causing future problems for your daugther.

That having been said, who is safeguarding the emotional and physical safety of your grandchild?

Oh - my house, my rules.

As long as you keep making excuses for this child nothing is going to change and things are going to get worse.

He wasn't "allowed" to work? Really? Chains on his ankles, locks on the doors? Sorry, you aren't being realistic.

Why do you describe him as turning 19 this year instead of being 18 now? Did you object when he moved out of your house, maybe at 17?

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

I have no idea what the situation is and i agree that you are not doing him any favors right now and you are really causing future problems for your daugther.

That having been said, who is safeguarding the emotional and physical safety of your grandchild?

Oh - my house, my rules.

As long as you keep making excuses for this child nothing is going to change and things are going to get worse.

He wasn't "allowed" to work? Really? Chains on his ankles, locks on the doors? Sorry, you aren't being realistic.

Why do you describe him as turning 19 this year instead of being 18 now? Did you object when he moved out of your house, maybe at 17?

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100% I agree with what you are saying, but yes I am being realistic, it's a was a very controlling relationship, but I won't go into too much of it, as for my grandchild he has shared access, and social services is working very closely with her mother, and she cannot live on her own now with the child, she is back in her own mothers house who has to supervise her with the child, and I was the 1 who contacted social services myself when I found out the true nature of everything that was happening. As I have also said, I very much blame him for the relationship (if you could call it that) being the way it was, he aloud it too happen. I am not a naïve mother at all, and I he has had a strict up bringing, and he was always a very happy go lucky lad that when you gave advice he took it all on board. Yes he was 17 when he moved out, but when they had the child I stood back to let them go it alone, though I did take the child 1 night a week, and also had them down to me another night of the week, for family night. The reason I say 19 is because it is only a few weeks away until his birthday so I just said 19 as he is closer to that age. I know he has to stand on his own 2 feet, and I will set the time frame, he will be given 4 weeks to ship up or ship out. I have been hesitant because of the low ebb in was in and am in fear of that happening again, but I know when it is now me who is allowing him to be this way and the way it has dropped my own feelings and life. I think I have knew the answer before I ask it on here. I just needed to have it confirmed.

Tell him he can demand when he is paying all the bills. Tell him 'what, you want me to do let the electric get shut off because I have to hand the mo.ey over to you!

A grown child back at home is almost always going to be surly and demanding because he hates everything about it. He hates you because he hates himself for being a failure. You CAN'T WIN saying 'get a job and help out around the house.' Four weeks will be more of the same. I'd throw him out NOW. He has to be in a worse state than he is with you to jolt him out of this. His feeling suicidal isn't something you should try to deal with. He isn't out to lunch and can find his own way to a hospital. You shouldn't have mothered him when he came home but you can't blame yourself for that or for anything. Most mothers would do the same.

A different spin on this...

It appears your son may be going through a period of depression. He is back at home after living on his own; he does not have access to his child as he did; he does not have the dream job; and he was in a controlling abusive relationship.

Moving back home after living on your own can be quite traumatic, especially for a man.

Your son appears to be beating himself up for all of the failures (as he views them) that have recently occurred. It might be best if he were to receive some sort of counseling.

Thank you everyone for all your help and advice, I have sat down again with him, and he says he can see were I am coming from, and says he will sort this all out. Actions do speak louder than words so hopefully I will see the changes. I have suggested that he perhaps visit a doctor also to get some sort of help with his situation, and he has said he will visit the doctor. Hopefully I start to get the son I had before back, but again thank yous all xx

It's a good start to a complicated problem.

If he were a woman, in an abusive relationship, with a newborn, at age 17, we'd be all over that one. But, because he is a 19 year old man, we're pushing the tough love thing, with consequences.

I did not realize when you posted that there was such abuse and controlling behavior toward him, from his girlfriend. That he was kicked out by her I think you said, probably means it was not entirely her abuse that ended the relationship. The two of them together, was a disaster for all concerned.

That being said, he has had the strength to move out, but not to move on, and it is easy to see why depression will fill the void. If he has been productive with a good paying job in the past, it is likely he can do so again.

But I don't think it will be without further help in the way of counseling. He needs a framework from you, to help him figure out, a plan with a counselor. If he has goals being set, he will hopefully meet the challenges, and grow stronger and more independent with each passing hurdle.

Best of luck with helping him through this. Stay strong.