I gave up my son, for adoption in July 2007. I was 23 years old, no collage education, going to school and dating Kim, a jobless, 30 year old coke dealer. Not a good time. I was faced with letting my son be raised by Kim or persuading her into let me or someone else in my family adopt our son. Eventually, my sister ended up adopting our son, so that was good. I was able to finish college and get my life together, and also had the opportunity to see me son frequently, as did Kim.

Unfortunately, things took a turn for the worst when my sister (single 37 yeas old) stopped talking to our dad, who started to getting upset with how unsanitary her life style was. My sister lived in a 3 bedroom house and was a complete mess. Garbage stacked everywhere, bad stuff. She didn't even have a garbage can, she refused to buy a garbage can. Once a month or two, she would barrow a friends truck and clean out just the garbage in the garage and truck it to the dump. Eventually, I broke down one day on her couch and let her know how I felt about the situation, and she basically told me that unless I gave her money, things were going to remain the same, she was a busy single mother, and didn't have time to keep everything clean all the time. I offered to buy her garbage cans, pay for a cleaning service as often as she needed, and any other type of support I could offer with a credit card. She refused...

Needless to say, as far as my sister and I's relationship is concerned, things have really taken a turn for the worst. Now my son is almost six and my sister refuses to see me our dad, or anyone else on my fathers side of the family.

I'm just trying to do my homework and see if there is any other avenues I can take in order to see my son for any amount of time. Should I get a lawyer? Can I see him once a year? Ever? I have no idea what direction to go..

Any help is much appreciated.

Once you give a child up for adoption you have no rights. You can turn her in to CPS if there is enough reason to. Sounds like she may have issues. But that still isn't getting him back for you.

Sorry, but you gave up any rights to this child once you placed him for adoption, even though he was adopted by your sister.

You no longer have any rights to this child. If his mother (which is what your sister is to him) doesn't want you to see him, you won't get to see him.

Not only do you have no legal rights, you also may have ruined the good will between you and your sister. She did something for you and now you complain about her cleanliness. We don't know how bad it is. If there is old food, mice, flies and maggots, roaches, mold - that's unsanitary. If there's clutter and a lot of garbage bags in the garage - that's nobody's business. I don't see how garbage cans solve anything.

Do you really want to see the boy? Send her some flowers and a written apology saying you won't complain any more.

You keep referring to your son, but he is not your son, at least not legally. As the others have noted, the adoption severed your relationship. You have no legal rights at all. The good news is you also have no legal responsibility so she can't go after you for child support.

On the other hand, if you believe the child is not in a good environment, you can report it to CPS and offer to foster the child.

So what does she do with her trash (leftovers from preparing meals, empty food containers, egg-shells, etc.); does she put them in garbage bags and simply stack them around the house? And does she have a rationalle for her refusal to have garbage cans? Looks like she is... nuts. But does this bizarre behaviour endanger the welfare of your son? If so, you could indeed get CPS (child protective services) or whatever they call it in your area, involved.

And you might look into having her committed.

You might even call the township housing codes dept. Many have strict laws on 'appearance'. Mine says that you HAVE to have garbage cans. No junk/garbage in yard, etc... they say its to keep the rat population down.

It is highly unlikely that you can have her committed, no matter how messy or crazy she is.
These days there has to be a clear and immediate danger to herself and or others, and any sanitary danger won't cut it.

Sure, call CPS! Here's the risk: if you lose, you will REALLY never see the boy again. And I'll give odds that you will lose.

As for garbage cans? If she takes garbage to the dump, odds are that there are no ordinances about garbage cans.
I live in a very rural area, and garbage cans are worse than useless. They attract wild animals. I put recycle in a big bin, clean trash in another, compost on the compost outside, and foody non-compost in the freezer until I go to the dump. NOTHING can attract animals inside or out of the house.

I hate garbage cans. Plus they are hard to clean inside.

It's a no win situation at getting him back. I was allowed to visit my son when he was adopted at 12 but I had to wait until he was 16 to get more rights. Then at 18 he came home for visits. I only had any rights because of the circumstances. Point being, you can see him at age 18 or whatever the legal age is of your state. Just hope and pray that she hasn't turned him against you or that for his own 'whatever' reasons has decided he doesn't want anything to do with you. At least you know where to find him at this point rather than him getting into the system and you may never find him when he is of age

The child is biologically your son, but he is no longer legally your son. Once you gave him up for adoption, and those papers were signed, you lost all rights to the raising of that child. You are not longer responsible for making any decisions regarding the welfare of this boy.

This is case in point as to why intra-family (is that the proper term?) adoptions rarely turn out well. The adoptive parents are responsible for the raising of the child, yet the biological parents still want some control when, in fact, they have no control at all.

You can try to contact CPS in your area to have them check the house to see if it is habitable and safe for your son, but that most likely would cause a bigger rift in the family than is already there.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by joypulv

As for garbage cans? If she takes garbage to the dump, odds are that there are no ordinances about garbage cans.
I live in a very rural area, and garbage cans are worse than useless. They attract wild animals. I put recycle in a big bin, clean trash in another, compost on the compost outside, and foody non-compost in the freezer til I go to the dump. NOTHING can attract animals inside or out of the house.

I hate garbage cans. Plus they are hard to clean inside.

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But if garbage is going to be put outside until it's hauled off, they are better than nothing.

OP said that this woman takes garbage from the garage to the "dump" every month or so. That's fine, assuming it's in garbage bags. But the image of garbage (i.e. food waste, etc.) accumulating in the house (albeit in bags, I assume): that's creepy.

As the others have said, OP is in the same position as this woman's other relatives are. The fact that he is the biological father has no legal significance. And one usually has no special standing regarding the welfare of relatives' children, such as his nephew (in the eyes of the law) in this case.

We can argue garbage until the cows come home.
I think that suggestions that he involve lawyers and social services and mental hospitals is the last thing any of us should do, if he ever wants to see his bio son.
We don't even know why he agreed to such a final move, when so many other options were available.
Two young people fail to think of the consequences of sex and have a child. They gratefully accept his sister's willingness to adopt and now he and his father complain to the point of being ostracized, along with everyone on the dad's side of the family. Doesn't that tell you something? There isn't even universal agreement about the situation.

I agree - the cows are starting to come home on this one.

I question the question (?) due to spelling and grammar. College educated?

If I get beyond that - the sister suddenly became slovenly and disorganized after 30+ years of being clean and organized OR the sister became slovenly and disorganized after there was some sort of family rift and the OP was denied access to his biological child - ?

OP has no rights to visit the child. I don't see how calling in CPS is going to make things worse. If things are as bad as OP alleges (garbage piled up in corners, or something) he owes it to his biological child to try to clean up (play on words which AK might enjoy) the adoptive mother's act. OP has to weigh never seeing the child again (which I don't believe is the case) against the child living in filth.

I am saddened that the sister who certainly helped pulled the OP's tail out of the fan when OP had unprotected sex with a known drug dealer and pregnancy ensued is now the enemy.

Often when I am called into these cases the personal hygiene and housekeeping are never an issue until someone says "no" to whatever the second person wants.

And for the record - I don't have garbage cans. Likewise, my garbage goes into black trash bags, the go into a plastic storage container (the kind you buy for clothing) in the garage, they get put in a vehicle and carted away on a weekly basis. Why? It's difficult for me to handle garbage cans due to their size. Trash bags I can fling around.

'the personal hygiene and housekeeping are never an issue until someone says "no" to whatever the second person wants.'

Exactly. I'm not buying it. Unless OP wants to take pictures and post them here.