Ask Me Help Desk - First relationship coming to a close. How to deal with it?

My first relationship is not like most. I met my girlfriend when I was 17 online on a well known online game. We hit it off, fell in love, and moved in when I was 19 with her in her home town. I'm 24 now, and its been a quite wild ride. We loved each other for so long, and to be frank my love for her never died. I still feel the same way I did back in 2007.

So, for whatever reasons, I'm certain she is deciding its time to split. I've been kind of left hanging in the dark, currently back in my home town on a "week break" that I don't think I'm going to win. I'm fairly positive this is the end, and I guess I just don't really know how to deal with it.

I moved down to her home state and we moved in, I had the whole works in my mind. We talked of marriage, children, I dreamed of someday being that couple other people talk about; the high school lovers who had been together for 50 years and are still happy together. I have spent less than a month of the last 6 years away from her. She is my best friend.

I'm just finding it really difficult to shake this, as I am still not over her. To make it harder on me, I will just magically disappear, and her life will go back to normal, but I will be uprooted, moved 14 hours away, living in a city I was happy to never come back to. How do I restart? How will I adjust to new relationships that will go nothing close to this? Will I ever even get over her?

Many of us go through things like this at some point... I did twice. It seems impossible and like you won't get over it but you will. You just have to keep going and sooner or later, you will find someone else. It may not seem that way now but it will happen if you give it time.

But I have to ask... why do you have to move away? You've had this life where you are for years now... do you really need to move 14 hours away and start all over again?

Breakups suck but there have been 10 billion first relationships that have ended and we have all survived. You will as well.

Fortunately for us when a relationship ends life doesn't stop. We still have to go through the day to day. The more you keep yourself busy the more your mind won't focus on her or the breakup. If you just sit on the couch doing nothing your mind will focus on it and you will stay depressed. So force yourself to do stuff. Go out with friends, get exercise, volunteer at a local dog shelter, etc. I promise when you see those tails wagging you won't be down.

In your next relationship your partner can't be your whole life. You need other friends and activities that are just for you. When you make your partner your whole life and that relationship ends, there is a huge hole. You need to avoid that.

A few years ago in a 3 month span I got divorced, lost both of my parents, and lost the job I loved. It was very difficult not to be positive. But I got a good job and ended up meeting the person I had always dreamed about meeting. Now we are together.

So what I am saying is when a door closes in your face, kick open another door. You are in control of what happens now so take advantage of that.

Nothing new in your story, and of course the next one will seem better and you will never understand why breaking up upset you in a few years.

Honest, you are just in the middle of it right now.

You never did say what happened, and why, so there must be things going on

This is my first relationship, I have lived with my girlfriend for 5 years, known her and been dating for 6.

About 2 years ago she changed, but I tried to fight it. She started becoming disconnected, and I spent the last 2 years trying to pick up the pieces by myself. I tried to love enough for both of us. Twice she had an opportunity to leave, but she never did. She does care about me, but I don't think she loves me anymore.

She has lead me on for years, manipulated me and my feelings, took advantage of the fact that I can't say "no" to people I care about. She spends 90% of her time online with another guy who she claims is her "friend"

And through all of this I thought the world of her.

I am currently in my home state because she needed "time" (a week) to "think" about stuff. She said she wanted to keep talking to me. By the first day she ignores me completely, even when I just say hi every other day to see how she's doing. I can feel her final answer in every interaction -- she's given up. We are over. I return Saturday to hear it in person.

So what do I even do or say? My mind is a mess and I don't really even know how to approach this situation. I don't want to lose her, but I can't make her change. I will accept if she decides to split. I will pack up and move home. But what to I say? I've been hurt so bad and I want to speak my mind, but I want to be amicable.

You do the same thing we all do after a long term relationship ends, especially your first adult relationship. You mourn, and grieve and when you get tired of that you get up and build a life that you enjoy without her. That's what everyone does. Yes its hard seeing you spent a long time together but its no different than when married couples divorce, you heal and do better for yourself.

Sorry guy, that's just the process and you have to learn to deal with those feelings and push through them. That's the reality of life. You will get your confidence back, and better control over your emotions, but for now you have little choice but to endure and keep your dignity and self respect by moving forward, not back.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

You do the same thing we all do after a long term relationship ends, especially your first adult relationship. You mourn, and grieve and when you get tired of that you get up and build a life that you enjoy without her. That's what everyone does. Yes its hard seeing you spent a long time together but its no different than when married couples divorce, you heal and do better for yourself.

Sorry guy, that's just the process and you have to learn to deal with those feelings and push thru them. That's the reality of life. You will get your confidence back, and better control over your emotions, but for now you have little choice but to endure and keep your dignity and self respect by moving forward, not back.

Very well said.

I don't know if there are any even questions here, and I doubt anyone would even waste their time reading. My girlfriend broke up with me tonight, and I have nobody to really talk to, so I am here. This is my story, and I just need to vent. Maybe there will be questions in it, maybe not. Ignore it, delete it, whatever. I don't really care.

My first relationship has officially ended, because my girlfriend apparently needs to "figure herself out" (which I assume is lady-code for 'get plowed by a ton of guys')... It reminds me of the scene in war movies where an explosion goes off nearby; everything slows down, my ears are ringing, and I can't think straight. I feel like I mentally have to remind myself to breathe.

I am a 24 year old male, and met my... now ex girlfriend, of whom I still love greatly, on World of Warcraft when I was 17. I randomly invited her into my guild, and while trying to type out a "sorry, I can't join" speech to me, I threw in some items and she decided to join temporarily. Plans fell through, her friends didn't make a guild, and we hit it off. It started with a quest here and there, and slowly I began to learn about her. Weeks and months passed, we would stay up until 6 in the morning just talking about each others lives. Every second I spent with her, I felt closer. Eventually feelings were expressed, and eventually lead to us meeting IRL.

I flew in on spring break when I was 18, around march or April. We spent the week together, moments I will never in my life forget. I have never felt so close to someone in my entire life, as was the same for her. We were each others first, not only sexually but on a real emotional level.

May13, 2008, I moved in with her. I dropped everything I knew, I left my family and friends, and moved 14 hours away to live with her. I knew before I left that I would marry this girl. She meant the world to me. We spent every moment together. To be frank, in the last 6 years, I can easily say less than 2 months has been spent apart (small family vacations here or there). I enjoyed every moment. 2-3 happy years passed. I worked hard on my relationship. We had discussed much. Kids names, etc... I knew where I would propose, on what day. We had everything planned.

She completed school, and I began a 2 year course (Our apartment would not allow 2 full time students). I made clear I was willing to drop anything needed if we had to move to support her career and job. I would continue my classes and we would move on together.

Her parents are crude, money hungry people. They care nothing of happiness, and hold a standard of everyone by their income. I was brought up in a family that cared about happiness and being together. I came from a family that had little, but would give me the world, and hers a family that had it all, but would extend that to nobody - not even their own children. They would berate her, constantly second-guess her life choices. They would tell her to change her major, and when she did, they would tell her it was a bad choice. But who was there through it all? Me. I wanted the greatest things for us. I wanted her to be happy and successful.

about 2 years ago, something in her changed. I felt it happen. I felt dead inside, and still I strived to make our relationship great. I treaded water and HARD. I never gave up on her, never lost hope, never stopped loving her. But she gave up on me. And the reality never sank in. I strived every day to make our relationship better, but nothing I could do would bring her closer to me. I would poke and prod, trying to find out what the root source of the problem was, and I always got an answer, but it was never the real problem. She dragged me along, making up excuses along the way. She watched for years, as I did everything to make it right, and she would feed me morsels of hope, and I would jump and flail about fixing our problems, and all would be well... for a week or two, maybe.

She realized it years ago, but never decided to tell me until tonight. Frankly, all the pieces of the puzzle were there, but I was blinded by my intense love for her. She cheated on me emotionally with another man online, who she claims was her "friend", and is the guy I am positive she is leaving me for, even if she won't admit it. She dragged me along for years, torturing me, manipulating me, breaking my heart, spirit, mind, and soul.

I return tomorrow by plane, and immediately will begin packing up my things. I am losing my Girlfriend, Apartment, Job, and in part, my life, on the same day. I am returning to my home state, with the worst job economy in the US, with no job, no home, and thousands of dollars in student loans. And all because I loved her. Because I tried to make our relationship the best it could be, but she gave up years ago.

I mourn, not because my relationship is over, but because the girl I fell in love with has died. This is not the girl I met many years ago. I do not know who she is anymore. I have severe trust issues, but I trusted her with my life. She mattered to me more than anyone or anything in my life. And she shattered it. The closest person to me had no issue stabbing me in the back, and watching me suffer for years.

I don't know anymore of what to say. It hurts because I don't know what I did wrong, or if I even did do anything truly wrong, but she checked out, and didn't have the balls to tell me. And I tried to love for the both of us, and I tried to mend all problems by myself. I am a great boyfriend, but knowing that I will someday make another woman so happy does not console me any more than a new balloon would console a child who lost his own. She was my balloon, but the balloon let go of me.

People change. You two met when you were both very young. There's a reason that young love often doesn't work, instead of growing together, you often grow apart. It sounds like she wants to sow a few wild oats, and realized that settling down with her first love, would never allow her to do that.

I know it hurts. We've all been through break ups. It hurts even more because you've been together for so long, since you were both very young. She's a constant in your life, part of your every day. I sometimes think that we don't miss the person so much as we miss their companionship, the known, the every day that we've gotten used to.

Why do you have to leave your job? There's no reason you can't get a new apartment and continue working at your current job. Just because she broke up with you doesn't mean you have to lose everything. I urge you to think about that, because you're right, it's not easy to get a job in today's economy. No reason to give up a perfectly good job just because a girl dumped you.

I also urge you to go out with friends, go out and get your mind of this. It's going to be hard, and the pain is not going to be easy to handle. I won't lie and say this will be easy to bounce back from, it won't. It's going to hurt like hell, and there are going to be days that you feel like dying. But, your post was a pleasure to read. Not the pain behind it, because I would never wish that on anyone, nor would I take pleasure in anyone's pain, but, you're obviously an intelligent young man, you write very well, and trust me, we don't get a lot of that here. If I have to decode one more text post I'll go crazy. You have a lot going for you. Don't let one person take it away from you.

I hope you come back. Your thread won't be deleted, we get a lot of posts like yours, and we've helped a lot of people deal with break ups. I hope you come back even if it's just to vent, or to tell us how you're doing.

After my final talk with her, I found out that her "soul search" was actually that she stopped loving me years ago, but instead of leaving then (she also fought to stay with me during some near-breakups) she decided to drag me along, faking love for over 2 years while she formed a new relationship for a different guy on World of Warcraft.
My replacement. My 2.0.
They established their feeling for each other a few days ago.

She stopped loving me, faked it, and emotionally cheated on me for years before falling for someone else -- all before letting me go.

I WAS NOTHING BUT GOOD TO HER. Why would someone who once loved me and still care about me do this? I don't know how to cope. I find myself hurt and can't trust anyone. The person closest to me stabbed me in the back and watched me suffer for years.

If she can do it, anyone can, and most likely will

Sorry you found out the hard way what she was really about and capable of, but now that you know, stop blaming yourself for her behavior. Didn't matter how good or bad you were you were never going to change her mind at all.

Chalk it up as a learning experience and make better decisions on who you give your heart to and make decisions based on fact and not just feelings. You can't say you never saw it coming.

Quote:

About 2 years ago she changed, but I tried to fight it. She started becoming disconnected, and I spent the last 2 years trying to pick up the pieces by myself. I tried to love enough for both of us. Twice she had an opportunity to leave, but she never did. She does care about me, but I don't think she loves me anymore.

How do you cope? Accept it's time to move beyond this and let yourself heal. As you heal, plan to rebuild a life that you enjoy for yourself. Takes time, so be patient and let the grief and mourning take it course.

I loved my ex-girlfriend till the moment we broke, and to be honest I love her still, but not sure why.

The short and sweet is that my first girlfriend of 6 years, she stopped loving me years ago, but faked it for years following. I tried to pick up the pieces and never faced reality. She cheated on me emotionally with someone else for over a year and during a week "break" established her feelings with him and she left me for him.

I'm broken. I fake being content around others. I think about this all day; nothing can take my mind off it. Work, hobbies, being around others, nothing. Its all I think about. It even overwhelms my dreams. I have no escape. This event surrounds me entirely.

The only time I can get away from this sadness is when I smoke pot. I have been high almost 24/7 since I got back to my hometown. When I smoke I can actually watch TV or play games with my friends and I feel content. It's a short vacation from my shattered confidence and self esteem. I keep thinking it would be easier to just stop living, but I would NEVER do that to my parents. They have done much for me through all this, but I just can't shake everything.

I smoke all day, try to stay around friends, every now and then a wave of emotion and reality will wash over me as I suddenly go "Woah, I have nothing left, I'm all alone" and then I will try to get past it, smoke some more, and go on with my day. The worst part of my day is when I wake up -- I am sober, and I cry because the reality of my situation hits me like a train.

I am introverted and kind of anti-social. Back when this all first happened I thought " **** it, I am a great guy, and incredible boyfriend. I pour myself into my relationships. She was lucky to have me. I will find another girl easy." But the reality of that is setting in as well, as I realize I am never in a social situation to meet other girls, nor do I enjoy putting myself in bar scenes or other "socially accepted" venues of meeting others. The fact I met my first girlfriend was pretty much a 1 in a million chance. When I am not a broken person, I have a great personality, but it doesn't come out unless I am comfortable, and I am neither in shape or overwhelmingly attractive.

I feel like I'm pretty much 100% ****ed. My life came to a screeching halt, and she just walked into the pants of some other guy practically instantly. I hate my life right now, when it seemed like so soon ago I loved it.

I don't think drowning yourself in dope is the way to go at all because a temporary feel good never solves a problem. No its not at all easy to move beyond something or someone you have formed a bond with, and gotten use to, but if you see this as an opportunity, and not the end of the world, and you eventually will, you can thrive and survive.

No need for a new question for recent developments, and trust me you will soon be very tired of the pity pot you seem to want to sit on. Your emotional dust will settle my friend.

My apologies, I didn't realize this was a one-and-done sort of thing. I will stop using this website for now. My mind is racing and I'm constantly hitting barriers that nobody can really help me with. Thanks for the people who helped.

You haven't listened to anything people have said. Couples, especially younger couples, go through breakups. We have all survived them and you will as well. Control what you can control. Unfortunately you cannot control how she feels about you. The sooner you accept that the sooner you will start healing.

Get out and do stuff even if you don't want to. Go out with friends, see a movie, join a gym, get some exercise, etc. All of these things will keep your mind active so you don't just dwell in self pity and negative thoughts.

One time during a low time in my life someone told me to go do some volunteer work and give back to something. So I went and volunteered at our local animal shelter. Wow what a difference that made. When you see those tails wagging nonstop because you are giving them attention it is impossible to be in a bad mood. You should try it.

So you have a choice right now. Continue feeling down, concentrating on negative thoughts, and feeling depressed all the time. Or get out there and do something and start enjoying life again. Every day I choose to make it a good day because that is soooooooo much better than making it a bad day. You have the choice. Now it is up to you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Knoxpwns

my apologies, I didn't realize this was a one-and-done sort of thing. I will stop using this website for now. my mind is racing and I'm constantly hitting barriers that nobody can really help me with. Thanks for the ppl who helped.

My point sir is not to keep making new threads about the same thing and just stay on one thread and not confuse other posters. Vent sure, questions are welcome, but starting over with the same question is not using the site properly.

We all know what you are going through, we have been there, done that, and most of us know you are not quite ready to take a few suggestions, but eventually, you will. We have all been stuck for a while in our own emotions my friend. Its temporary insanity, and it sucks.

This twist in your relationship is nothing new. You saw this coming last September. https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...nd-700346.html

You've received (by and large) good advice from adults who have been through troubled relationships and survived.

Mu concern is your passive/aggressive posture - if you are posting repeatedly because you need to voice your feelings, need to "put it on paper," why not find someone you can trust and discuss the situation with that person?

Can a mod please delete this thread

Threads do not get deleted - it's AMHD policy to which you agreed when you got your user name.

Ok then thanks everyone for the responses, please stop posting on this thread now