Ask Me Help Desk - Found out my husband cheated on me at our home with another man!!

Found out my husband cheated on me at our home with another man!!

My husband has been deployed now for three months. I have been in Florida visiting my family after having our second son. Before my husbands deployment we decided I would come home to Florida to visit family and have our son. The thing was since I was having our son two weeks after my husband would leave for his deployment. So I had to leave Our home and come to Florida before he left for his deployment. Before I left him I was having issues with him flirting and messaging other girls before I left. I was really iffy about leaving and really didn't want to do it. But I had to to have prenatal care. Well I left him at home and I told him I would trust him to stop messaging other women.

Well it has been three months since than and I caught him messaging, flirting with, and sexting two other women. This week, well I wasn't sure what to do but I did confront him about it and told him to stop. Which he did and he gave me the password to his Facebook for me to make sure he wasn't messaging others. Well I knew he would just using an app to message these girls now instead of face book so I started to check his emails, but I found nothing. Well I remembered he has another email and another Facebook so I check his email. I found social sex site in his spam, clicked the links from people messaging him and it lead me straight to his profile where I had access to everything. So I looked through his messages. I found about twelve conditions where he was asking people to meet up with him and have sex in our city. The wasn't the worst part I found various messages where he messaged other man about to meet up and have sex as well. That he was curious and was looking to experiment. Well he had a whole conversation with one man, about what he would do and won't do. Well anyway I he gave this guy our home address and they met up at OUR home and they experimented. This guys gave my husband head and what not. I found this out because I was on that site and this other man messaged my husband right away so I started chatting to him as my husband. Well be told me what they did.

I am so confused and heart broken. I never thought that he would ever cheat on me. And he cheated with a man. How do I approach my husband about this. I have no idea. He is deployed. Things aren't going good between us right now either because if these messages. We have been married or 4 years and we have two children. I don't want to end our marriage because, I really love him. I asked him if he is happy and he said yes. What do you think I and so confused! How could he do this to me. I have a copy of all the messages from that sex site. I really am confused.

He obviously is not the Man you thought you married. He has a secret dark life. If I Were you I'd simply say " There is no room in your life for me". Walk out, divorce and file for child support. A guy like that does not change.

Doesn't matter that he cheated with a guy... he still cheated. Also, that was just the only one you knew about... how many other guys or women did he actually cheat with?

He's not going to change.

Quote:

Originally Posted by N0help4u

He obviously is not the Man you thought you married. He has a secret dark life. If I Were you I'd simply say " There is no room in your life for me". Walk out, divorce and file for child support. A guy like that does not change.

I don't want a divorce though, I really love him and divorce is the last resort. He is such a good man though otherwise. He takes care of us a provides for his family.

He's not a good man. He has destroyed his wedding vows by emotionally cheating on you via sexting with other women and physically cheating on you with a man.

Are you prepared to deal with the sexually transmitted diseases he may bring home?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pamelaallen1987

I don't want a divorce though, I really love him and divorce is the last resort. He is such a good man though otherwise. He takes care of us a provides for his family.

Like J9 said he is NOT a good man. IF you want him you are going to have to live with him AS IS. I do not think that will be a good example for your kids.

Pam, is this the man you want raising your sons? Do you want them to grow up thinking this is normal and this is how to treat a woman?

I have no time for cheaters. That's why I divorced and eventually married someone who actually appreciates me for who I am.

Of course he is "happy" he can have sex with other women and men, when ever he wants, and you do nothing about it. Why would he not be happy.

He is cheating on you, and acting like he is not married, I bet he would not be so willing, if it was you meeting up with men.

It is time to go back to Florida and leave him to have his fun sex without your before you get some STD.

I just think that he provides for us , he has all his morales in check most of the time. He really loves all of us. I am not going to get a divorce because I am not going to put my children through that. Our home is not a broken home. I don't believe in divorce either. We never fight and can sit and chill with each other all the time. I think I may have him go to counseling and solve our problem that way. I am seriously going to talk to him about this and have him get tested. I can forgive him as long as he doesn't do it again.

Well Its your choice to live with this. Not sure what you wanted resolved by us since you are happy with your marriage. Let us know how it is in a few years of this. We'll be here.

So, you aren't going to put your children through a divorce but you will let them grow up to learn that cheating on their spouses is the norm? Believe it or not, children know what is going on behind closed doors.

He doesn't have his morals in check. He is the lowest form of life there is. People who cheat on their spouses disgust me.

You are going to allow yourself to risk STD's. Some permanent ones are genital herpes, HPV, hepatitis, and least of all AIDS.

Yes, you risk hepatitis and AIDS due to him meeting random men and women (who I can promise you either don't know their std history or are unwilling to tell the truth). You are risking leaving your children motherless because of these diseases.

Counseling would be a good start, but a serial cheater rarely changes.

I actually feel sorry for you. You don't have the self confidence to realize that this man does not respect you or your marriage vows. Sure, you may respect your vows, but he certainly doesn't.

He may be a good provider, but he is a poor example of a husband and a role model for his sons.

I have two grown sons who lived through cheating. Although my ex wasn't as low to cheat with another MAN in MY home. He still cheated. While my boys were young, 2 and 4 to be exact, they still knew that something was not right. They grew up with trust issues. Counseling for you and your husband may be the least of your worries. Your children may need counseling in the future to know that this is not the way a REAL man treats his wife.

If you love him and you are staying with him, why did you come here? What is your question exactly?

You sound like you feel guilty for going to your parents to have your baby, despite explaining it. You shouldn't be. A man who can't just masturbate when his wife is too uncomfortable to have sex isn't worth his salt - he's just selfish. Your husband sounds like a guy who says 'oh goody, my wife is pregnant, now I can fool around.'

For him to have that low of regard and disr espect for you I truly think he is a sociopath. I really hope you don't look back years from now with regret that you took this for love and a healthy relationship.

Take off the blinders. He gave you his Facebook password because he knew he had other ways of contacting people to cheat on you. He is a liar and a cheat. You might settle for that type of relationship - I will never.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pamelaallen1987

I just think that he provides for us , he has all his morales in check most of the time. He really loves all of us. I am not going to get a divorce because I am not gonna put my children through that. Our home is not a broken home. I don't believe in divorce either. We never fight and can sit and chill with each other all the time. I think I may have him go to counseling and solve our problem that way. I am seriously going to talk to him about this and have him get tested. I can forgive him as long as he doesn't do it again.

A) He provides for you... so I really think that is why you're sticking around.

B) He does NOT have all his morals in check... not even close. He's cheated and lied and you think he has his morals in check?

C) He really loves you all... so then why the need to mess around and disrespect you? Your idea of being loved is skewed.

D) Your home is a broken home. Cheating like that IS a broken home.

E) Fine, don't believe in divorce. Just keep putting up with what he does and turn the other cheek as long as he provides for you, right?

F) You can forgive him as long as he doesn't do it again... so what happens if he does? Do you ignore it so it doesn't happen? Do you get divorced then? Do you come back here and ask for advice all over?

G) I'm not sure why you even came here and took the time to post this for all of us to read and answer. You already knew what you were going to do so what were you looking for?

Let's see - the odds of him changing are pretty low but you don't want a divorce. You'd rather raise your children with this "moral most of the time except when he has sex, protected or unprotected with other people, man" than raise them alone.

I think you have painted yourself into a corner.

Leave or stay - I think you plan to stay. Get tested for HIV/AIDS every 6 months.

Be prepared for him to leave you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

Be prepared for him to leave you.

Great point... I totally missed that.

I am so sorry you are going through this unfortunate situation. You can't really deal with this effectively while he is deployed however, because he is deployed, you have time to build a strong support system and really think through how you want to proceed before he gets back.

Maybe consider talking with a few (seriously, not everybody you know... just a few) people whom you really trust that know you and your husband well. You may also want to contact a counselor. They can help you navigate through your feelings and emotions in ahealthy way. They can also assist you in the development of a plan of action going forward.

I am praying for God to give you wisdom and strength in the days ahead.

I would most definitely not discuss this with family and friends because no matter how this plays out the family/friends will never, ever forget what happened.

A counselor or professional, yes, certainly.

This is an international site. Not everyone believes in God. Please be sensitive to that.