Ask Me Help Desk - Boyfriend and I have no sex life... AHH?!

I am 24 and my boyfriend is 25, and we have been together for 6 months but great friends for about a year. It is not new that my sex drive is much higher than his, or at least my desire for actual intercourse, but before at least he seemed more attracted to me.

I guess I am wondering if anyone else is going through this too and what the best way is to talk about it. I do not want to seem harsh in any way, I brought it up months ago and he got defensive/insecure saying sex is not the most important part of a relationship which of course it's not for us. But we are young, haven't been together very long, and it's been almost 2 months since we have had sex. Once or twice he asked for a handjob before going out but that's it. I know that he gets himself off when he's bored/horny because he has let that slip out, but whenever I try, nothing. I am hygienic (including down below), at a good weight, I feel beautiful, I put effort into my appearance and dress well but ALWAYS get rejected by him. It is starting to effect myself esteem. If I kiss his neck and grab his ____, he will comment about something that is on the TV as if it's not happening! (Of course I stop then, I will not touch someone who doesn't want it). If I say I am feeling frisky (we joke and use this term), he will ignore it or ask "Really?" then do nothing, so I will grab my vibrator and leave the room.

Any insight or advice would be great.

He just may not be interested in it as much as you. He could have a low libido/nutritional deficiencies or other health problems. I don't know what to tell you to fix it because it could be that nothing will work. You might have to just accept it or move on. Many guys are like that because they watch a lot of porn or play too many video games, or stress from work.

Thank you for your response. He does play a lot of video games but I never thought much of that (other than they get turned up way too high =P). It may be porn. I think it's time for another talk.

Christina, when you do talk to him, remember to listen with an open mind. Do not go into the discussion with what you think the answers are. If he says something you are not quite certain about what he means, ask him to clarify his response. Listen to him and pay attention like you want him to listen to you.

Something to keep in mind is that some people use porn or immerse themselves in other interests to hide from issues they are afraid of or do not want to deal with.

With his comment about sex isn't the most important part of a relationship, you might consider thinking about the possibility that you have been (or were) putting pressure on him to have sex when he wasn't in the mood. Pressure to have sex can be a libido limiter and it can turn into a libido killer. If you have been coming on strong, you may want to try working on showing affection and intimacy without expecting it to lead to sex. Think of it as making it safe for him to show affection without worrying that you will expect a cuddle to turn into sex.

Remember that the only person you can change is yourself. If he doesn't want to make changes, you cannot force/fix him. You have to decide if you an adapt to his needs or if you made better friends than lovers.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cat1864

With his comment about sex isn't the most important part of a relationship, you might consider thinking about the possibility that you have been (or were) putting pressure on him to have sex when he wasn't in the mood. Pressure to have sex can be a libido limiter and it can turn into a libido killer. If you have been coming on strong, you may want to try working on showing affection and intimacy without expecting it to lead to sex. Think of it as making it safe for him to show affection without worrying that you will expect a cuddle to turn into sex.

Remember that the only person you can change is yourself. If he doesn't want to make changes, you cannot force/fix him. You have to decide if you an adapt to his needs or if you made better friends than lovers.

That's what I am thinking, he is probably a great guy just doesn't want sex as much as she does.

And I would be very careful not to accuse "him" of allowing porn to sap his libido.

Maybe their sex drives are different.

Maybe he's not as into her as she is into him.

Of course, sitting down and asking him might work.

I'm also thinking that not only is he finding out the relationship isn't what he was hoping for... (6 months is about the time the lust starts to fade and reality is setting in... )

I also think he might not be happy about something she is not aware of or didn't think was anything important.

Talking would likely bring it to light.

First off I have to say that you being beautiful or you being a good weight or what not is not his reason for not having sex with you. It is your reason why he is not having sex with you. To put it plainly, you need to justify to yourself why he doesn't put his hotdog in your buns. Note that without talking to him you will never know why he isn't wanting to have sex with you.

There are many libido limiting factors. It is hard to say what is going on without knowing more. For example:
1). What is his stress levels like?
2). What is his general health like?
3). How tired/exhausted is he when you want to dance the mattress jig?
4). What is the rest of the relationship like?
5). Drug/alcohol/substance abuse?

Usually when the sex goes it is a sign that there is something else wrong in the relationship. That is what he could be hinting at but not saying. It could also be that he has a low libido. Which would be tragic. Could also be that the relationship has run it's course and now he is waiting for you to be the strong one and dump him. It is really hard to say.

I think the first step, as was mentioned earlier is for you to talk to him. Figure out what is going on. Also figure out if you can live with this for the rest of your life. If not, you know what to do and there is nothing wrong with dumping someone because of a libido missmatch. Doing it at this point might be better in the long run too.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cat1864

Christina, when you do talk to him, remember to listen with an open mind. Do not go into the discussion with what you think the answers are. If he says something you are not quite certain about what he means, ask him to clarify his response. Listen to him and pay attention like you want him to listen to you.
.

Thank you for your response, Cat (and everyone else too!). I am not going to accuse him of immersing himself in porn or anything of the sort, but I would just like to talk to see if it is simply a difference in our libidos or maybe there is something apart from sex that is bothering him so we can resolve it (if there is). I try not to pressure him for sex in anyway, though it is my nature to be a little flirtatious and suggestive which I can work on. When he made the comment about other things being more important than sex, it was in response to a conversation I started outside of the bedroom/not because I was rejected immediately before. Basically I stated that I know my sex drive is higher and I cherish all of my time with him, but when it has been months I miss that closeness and feeling desired more than the actual act of sex.

He is extremely affectionate in non-sexual ways, maybe our natures are just different. I am willing to meet in the middle and not do anything that makes him uncomfortable, it is just new territory for me because it's a situation I hadn't been in yet. It's almost definitely not how I look, I think that's rarely the case with couples unless there has been an EXTREME physical change or lack of hygiene, it is just hard not to get paranoid and worry about that type of thing when looking for answers. I'll try to keep an open mind.

Quote:

Originally Posted by CravenMorhead

There are many libido limiting factors. It is hard to say what is going on without knowing more. For example:
1). What is his stress levels like?
2). What is his general health like?
3). How tired/exhausted is he when you want to dance the mattress jig?
4). What is the rest of the relationship like?
5). Drug/alcohol/substance abuse?

Hmm his stress levels fluctuate. Sometimes he seems calmer, while other times he gets very tense/anxious which has led him to seek therapy in the past. It's entirely possible he is under stress and just not expressing it like he has in the past. He is in good health and frequently hits the gym. I don't think he is too exhausted when I want to get intimate, and usually has energy for other physical activities.

There is a problem with alcohol which is effecting our relationship and a puzzle piece I probably should have added. While he's not physically dependent on it, when he drinks which is usually only twice a week, it usually makes things between us very sour. He drinks to the point he does not seem to have any empathy or compassion, and can say very mean things. This matters to me more than the sex, to be honest. We've talked about it several times and since the last time, about 2 weeks ago, he has not gotten drunk. I stated he needs to stop, and get help if needed which I will support 100%, but I will not stand by and get treated poorly. When he is sober, we get along very well and do a lot of activities together. But the drinking version of him, ugh, it is like night and day. Mentioning this now, maybe I brushed it under the table more than I should have. It is easier to talk about the lesser problem.

Quote:

Originally Posted by christina_89

Hmm his stress levels fluctuate. Sometimes he seems calmer, while other times he gets very tense/anxious which has led him to seek therapy in the past. It's entirely possible he is under stress and just not expressing it like he has in the past. He is in good health and frequently hits the gym. I don't think he is too exhausted when I want to get intimate, and usually has energy for other physical activities.

Stress is a major libido killer. For example, I would find it hard to perform if I was concerned about whether I have enough to pay the mortgage or if Jimmy the Fish is going to knee cap me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by christina_89

There is a problem with alcohol which is effecting our relationship and a puzzle piece I probably should have added. While he's not physically dependent on it, when he drinks which is usually only twice a week, it usually makes things between us very sour. He drinks to the point he does not seem to have any empathy or compassion, and can say very mean things. This matters to me more than the sex, to be honest. We've talked about it several times and since the last time, about 2 weeks ago, he has not gotten drunk. I stated he needs to stop, and get help if needed which I will support 100%, but I will not stand by and get treated poorly. When he is sober, we get along very well and do a lot of activities together. But the drinking version of him, ugh, it is like night and day. Mentioning this now, maybe I brushed it under the table more than I should have. It is easier to talk about the lesser problem.

Holy carp. There is so many red flags that pop up here. Alcohol reduces inhibitions. This seems like a very basic statement, but the ramifications are far reaching. It will cause poor decisions and events that you might regret, if you remember, the next day. More over it removes the line filter between your brain and your mouth. It has been said that "A drunk person's words are a sober man's thoughts." IE, What you say drunk is what you think and feel with the line filter. You also tend to see more of the person then you normally do. You've already gave him crap for this. Good on you! Is it enough? Probably not.

A few things to consider over the next little bit. You've only been in this six months. You are still getting to know him. Do you like what you see? Consider his personality, do you want your little ones growing up with that when/if you have kids? Most people only change in the most dire of circumstances.

I hate to say this, but I think you need to move along. I really think that this person is going to be trouble and throwing bad money after good is going to make things worse as they progress. There is hope things will get better but that requires a deep commitment on his part as well as yours. This commitment I don't see him making.

Good luck.

Don't be distracted over the frustrations from lack of sex at this time, because its only been 6 months, and while the lust has faded, is there a love to grow? The honeymoon is over it seems and its time to pay close attention to the person you have lusted with and see things clearly. A lack of sex is but a symptom of an issue to be addressed in other area of the relationship.

Find it together, or find it apart.