Hey everyone,

I'm invited to attend a graduation party in August for a close family friend.

Background: my mom was her nanny for 3 years and I've been very very close to her and her brother ever since. I've babysat, taken them on vacation, had them overnight at my house, taught them how to drive, etc.

Now that she is 18 and graduated (and still living with her family) I'm not allowed be around her unsupervised all of a sudden. She is not allowed to even be in public places with me. Nothing has ever happened that has put her in jeopardy and I would never let anything happen to her. I'm one of the only stable figures in her life as her mom abandoned her at the age of 3 and her step mom is verbally abusive.

Knowing that the step mom hates me and the father has no backbone and will not stand up to her regardless of the situation, should I make the family happy and not contact my friend at all until she is out of their house, or should I go and support her and deal with any drama that ensues?

Thanks for your help, this is really upsetting to me.

There are a lot of holes in your post. I think you need to fill in the blanks before we can advise.

I gather you are male. How much older than her are you? Are you allowed to be with her brother? Who is not allowing you to be with her? What is behind this prohibition?

If you are not allowed to be near her, who invited you to the party? Where is the party going to be held?

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Originally Posted by ScottGem

There are a lot of holes in your post. I think you need to fill in the blanks before we can advise.

I gather you are male. How much older than her are you? Are you allowed to be with her brother? Who is not allowing you to be with her? What is behind this prohibition?

If you are not allowed to be near her, who invited you to the party? Where is the party going to be held?

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Actually I'm female, I'm 11 years older than her. I've never asked to hang out with her brother alone, he's always with both of us if he is with us, and its her dad that said that she can't hang out with me. Originally he said she couldn't unless my mother was there (I don't live with her), and this started the night of her graduation. There was no issue before that, ever. They have been like a family to me ever since my mom worked for them, the dad even helped pay for part of my college.

My friend invited me to her graduation party, and the party will be at her family's house.

And did you ask the father, her brother or her why you have been restrained?

That's the first thing I would do, is see if you can find out the reason. You can't fully deal with it, until you know why.

Did she invite you before the father told you to stay away?

Bottom line is she is 18. Her father can no longer control who she sees or is friends with. He can, however, control who comes into his home. So before you can go to this party, you need to clear this up.

I've asked her, I don't really have direct contact with her brother as he doesn't have a cell phone. She said its because her step mom hates me. Everything was fine prior to her graduation, the step mom was nice to me and everything. At the graduation I showed up with a bouquet of flowers and a gift for her, and after that the step mom was trying to drag me away from her (saying "we need to take a family photo, have her hold this crap" and then walking away and never taking the photo) and that's when she wasn't able to come over like we had planned and the new supervision rule was put into place.

I think you should confront the step mom and asks her why she hates you.

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Originally Posted by none12345

I think you should confront the step mom and asks her why she hates you.

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I'm pretty sure she hates everyone. She tells my friend she's fat (She's 5'3 and 100 lbs), she started crying on a family vacation and told the dad she thought it was supposed to be a family vacation and how dare he bring her step kids, and she's just generally not a nice person.

I think this is pretty common with a new wife, new stepmother. But when did stepmom arrive on the scene? Good grief. She's had enough time to put up barriers to protect her power and keep old ties out, if the first wife was gone 15 years ago. Maybe the abandonment of the mother when her daughter was 3 says something about the father.

Anyway, you can't go to any event held at the parents' house without the OK of at least one and preferably both parents. You can see her other times.

I see dilemma after dilemma - I recognize the user name - from employment to boyfriend to family to a truck registration to this.

I think the whole story is not posted here.

Weird, so talk to your friend and tell her you are sorry you will not be able to come to her graduation party because of the stepmom, but that doesn't mean you can't celebrate. Offer to take her for lunch or dinner some time. Tell her that her parents can't legally control who she talks to or is friends with. Then can only control who can come to their home.

Yes, she is 18, she can go where she wants, or should, so tell her, thanks, but you are not welcome at the home, and unless her dad invites you can not come. But be gald to see her somewhere else latter.

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Originally Posted by joypulv

I think this is pretty common with a new wife, new stepmother. But when did stepmom arrive on the scene? Good grief. She's had enough time to put up barriers to protect her power and keep old ties out, if the first wife was gone 15 years ago. Maybe the abandonment of the mother when her daughter was 3 says something about the father.

Anyway, you can't go to any event held at the parents' house without the OK of at least one and preferably both parents. You can see her other times.

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She came on the scene about 8 years ago, she started as the nanny for the kids after the engagement of the father's previous girlfriend was over. They have been married now for about 5 years and have 2 more kids together.This is the first marriage of the father, as he wasn't married to my friend and her brother's mom.

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

I see dilemma after dilemma - I recognize the user name - from employment to boyfriend to family to a truck registration to this.

I think the whole story is not posted here.

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Not sure what is left of the whole story, and yes I've used this site to post questions, but my life is pretty put together now. Most of those questions were from a time in my life when I was unemployed and my life and everyone's life around me was a little crazy. As you'll notice, most of those posts were from a few years ago. And my relationship with a boyfriend or my father has no effect on my relationship with this girl.

Maybe she's afraid that her hold on her hubby is tenuous.
Maybe he has a lot of money?
Maybe, maybe. All we can do is guess.

" And my relationship with a bf or my father has no effect on my relationship with this girl."

I was reading problems with relationships in general and thought perhaps there were other issues, perhaps the "graduation party" family somehow was involved in those issues and, therefore, took a stand.

The way I see it is that if you go to the party it could end up a lot of drama, even to the point they call the police. Is her biological mother going to be there? Short of the bio mom saying you can go as her guest I don't think you should push this. Let your friend know you are there in spirit and make a lunch date with her. She is 18 now so she can hang out with you, even though her step mom can still give her a hard time about it.

For some reason this post concerns me -

Who invited the OP? The stepmother who hates her?

The spineless father?

The 18-year old who has no say in her own life?

I see tons of drama on the other threads (mostly involving female friends, weddings). This post has stayed with me since September, and that's how I recognized the user name (I remembered!): "The bride should understand your feelings, and in a perfect world, she would. However, and this is my experience being a MOH in 3 weddings, the bride only cares about herself and her wedding.... Brides get mad over the littlest of things that doesn't go their way because in the months and days leading up to their wedding, in their mind, everything (and I mean EVERYTHING) is about them."

Imagine brides thinking it's their one big day, that's it all about them, not having the time or patience to deal with bickering bridesmaids!


I just am not sure what is going on.

A simple sorry I can't come saves a lot of drama. For now.

If you were not invited to the party by either of the parents and you know there is animosity, you should not go. Why make drama.

I agree with the others. Why make drama when there's no need to?

If you know that your presence will cause issues, decline the invite. Let your 18 year old friend know why you aren't coming, and make plans to see her some other time.

When a person has a lot of drama in their lives, it's usually drama they themselves create, drama that can be avoided. This drama can be avoided by simply not going to the party. Pretty simple actually.