My oldest brother acts like a rebellious teenager on acid with mood swings and anger outbursts like a land mine. He is 39 and has been this way since his 20s. He'd get upset when things don't go his way. He accuses my parents and the whole family of humiliating him, lying to him, and cheating him. He thinks we are all out to sabotage him. His verbal abuse toward my parents, especially my mother, is horrific and disgusting to listen to.

He's still living with my parents and myself (I'm his youngest sister and I'm 25). He hates us and wants to move out, but he knows he can't because he doesn't have the means to, so according to him he has no choice but to stay with us in this "hell hole" - though my parents are helping him by providing a roof over his head, he treats us like crap with his verbal & emotional abuse.

He almost hit my mother last Monday, and when I tried to stop him, he shouted vulgarities at me and then hit my face 3 times until I bled profusely from the mouth. I called the police and they suggested for us to get a restraining order against him. We did so and he has reacted negatively to it.

My parents can't help but feel responsible for him turning out this way. I keep telling them that he's a grown adult and he should be responsible for his actions. And that we need to kick him out of the house so he'll know what it's like to be on his own (he has never been on his own, living off his own savings). Them sheltering him and protecting him will not make things better. How can I help my parents see this? My mother and I are mentally/emotionally exhausted and we dread going home seeing him... everytime we see his name on our phones, calling us or texting us, we get an anxiety attack. It has come to a point that sometimes I wish he'd get run over by a bus so my mother wouldn't have to deal with him anymore - grieving over his death would not be as painful as tolerating his onslaught of verbal abuse and emotional abuse... and just recently, physical abuse.

First - the R/O was to force him out of the house. Did you or not? You can call the police if not. It's important to stand by your resolve once an R/O is in place.
Second - where did this stash of 'savings' come from? I hope your parents aren't giving him any money.
Whether he is just a miserable man who hates the fact that he is tied to his parents' apron strings, or is perhaps mentally ill (quite possible since schizophrenia often starts in the early 20s), is something he is going to have to deal with away from home. He is capable of asking for help at a shelter. And he can find his own way to a shelter.

I agree with joy. A restraining order obtained, should be followed to the letter. Every text, phone call, or contact in any way, should be recorded in a book; date, time, details. Keep updating the police, file reports, and don't give in.

This has gone beyond guilt. This is a 40 year old man, capable of violence, and his behavior has escalated. It is a dangerous time for all of you living in that house.

Guilt is not a good enough excuse, to keep being abused. Many people grow up truly being abused, and survive, and turn their lives around. At 40 years of age, he can fend for himself, and I'm sure your parents realize this. But to them, perhaps worrying and feeling guilty about him being on his own, causes just as much guilt as them thinking they have 'caused' him to be this way in the first place.

If none of you have been in counseling, I suggest you consider checking that out, to help yourself and your parents, to keep your resolve. You may do well to remove yourself from the home should nothing change. If your parents make a choice to put up with their son the way he is without help, there is nothing you can do about it. Don't let guilt get in the way of your own safety.

It is hard to stop or change anyone's behavior, when it has been allowed to carry on for decades. The road is that much harder to establishing peace in the home for your parents, I'm sure. Things may never change.

Where is Dad in all this?

He hates my dad. And he has caused my dad to have heart attacks whenever they quarrel. My mum and I have told my dad to stay away whenever there'd be an argument between my brother and my mum. My dad finally couldn't take it anymore when my brother hit me on Monday, and intervened, but my brother also started his barrage of insults against my dad.

He is dangerous. Argue who is responsible after everything that can be done to protect you and our family has been done. Including jail if he will not leave.

Strictly speaking "legally" - there is a restraining order but he's still there? What is he restrained from doing?

I trust assault charges were filed?

It's your parents' house. THEY can force him out. You cannot.

Where is this happening?

You are adding to the story by telling us about your dad, but aren't answering some really key questions. Leading me to think that maybe you as well as your mother can't bring yourselves to enforce the RO. YOU MUST. That means calling the cops and changing the locks and whatever else it takes.

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Originally Posted by joypulv

You are adding to the story by telling us about your dad, but aren't answering some really key questions. Leading me to think that maybe you as well as your mother can't bring yourselves to enforce the RO. YOU MUST. That means calling the cops and changing the locks and whatever else it takes.

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I was going to reply about the RO in a separate post but work came a calling so I wasn't able to reply that.

Firstly, I'm in Singapore. Our RO works differently here. We get a Personal Protection Order (PPO) which prohibits someone from harrassing/abusing/threatening you in any way thinkable. If you want the person out of your house, you have to apply for a separate order which is known as an Exclusion Order (which is kind of like an eviction notice).

My parents did not file an EO because they fear he would react in a horrible way. I did tell them to just file an EO anyway because he's an adult and he can fend for himself outside and if he snaps, we can call the police. But in the back of my mind, I know that what my parents say might be possible - filing an EO would make him snap; plus he knows where my parents work. My mum works in a shop all by herself and it's pretty quiet there, she & my dad are worried that if they push him to his limits, he may, for example, look her up at her shop when nobody's around and kill her, and then commit suicide.

While everyone says it like it's so damn easy to chase him out of the house etc. please bear in mind we are dealing with someone who is unstable+ manipulative+aggressive+unable to control himself, and dealing with him is like playing chess.

See my previous post, I've answered part of your questions there.

ANd that is what I meant in my original question in the first post if you did read it - "How can I help my parents see this?" I know I cannot get him to move out, which is why I asked how can I help my parents realise that they need to get him out.

Yes, I made a police report the day he hit me. The police came and took my statement but because none of my bones were broken, they couldn't bring him in. It was a domestic dispute so the only way to do it was to file a PPO (personal protection order) which stops him from harrassing/abusing/threatening in any way.

"While everyone says it like it's so damn easy to chase him out of the house etc., please bear in mind we are dealing with someone who is unstable+ manipulative+aggressive+unable to control himself, and dealing with him is like playing chess."

No one here is saying it's so d*m easy. You asked a question on a public international site without giving your location, not that that would change anything.

Apparently no one here is going to give you advice which you want to hear - you can't involve the Police, he can't be thrown out, he's a danger to your family but, agaIn, there cannot be Police involvement. He might kill someone without Police involvement, he might kill someone with Police involvement, again, the Police cannot be brought into this.

You were punched in the face, but, again, no Police involvement because that might make things worse.

What do you possibly want "us" to say? No one here is flying to Singapore to deal with your brother.


And biting the hand that feeds you is never a good idea.

Sigh. JudyKayTee, please read my original post and see my original question.

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My parents can't help but feel responsible for him turning out this way. I keep telling them that he's a grown adult and he should be responsible for his actions. And that we need to kick him out of the house so he'll know what it's like to be on his own (he has never been on his own, living off his own savings). Them sheltering him and protecting him will not make things better. How can I help my parents see this?

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I have already involved the police, but that is another matter. Now I just want to know how I can help my parents see that kicking him out will do everyone good

To break it down, what I'm asking for is advice on:
1) how to approach my parents about this
2) how to explain to my parents that perhaps living apart from him is the best idea
3) what to say to them etc

BTW. Though he has his own money and my parents don't give him money, what I meant by "he has never been on his own, living off his own savings" is that he has never gone out and lived by himself, and never paid for rent and household expenditures (bills, groceries, etc) with his own money.

Sigh -

If they prefer to live with a volatile son who beats people up without provocation and who has them afraid to go to the Police, there is nothing you can say to change that. If the assault on you (which you haven't addressed) and the subsequent arrest didn't snap them into reality, I don't know what will.

Famlly dynamics are difficult to evaluate and judge when you are not part of the family.

If your parents want to put up with his behavior - including physical assaults - without involving the Police I don't think there is anything you can do to change that.

On one hand they are afraid of what he will do. On the other hand you want advice on how to persuade them to throw him out.

I wouldn't want to make that persuasive argument, followed by an act of violence.

What I wanted to know about his 'savings' is more than just that he has it - how did he get it?? Was he functioning at some time in his life, enough to work? Please realize that we are not THERE and the picture you paint is sketchy at best. And yes - all the background does have bearing on what advice you would be given in how to deal with your parents.

In the back of my mind is mental illness. He could be totally out to lunch but using anger to cover his confusion. He could be hearing voices. He could be approached by someone in the field of psychology, if your parents feel too guilty to kick him out. It's a shot in the dark.

I am confused by laws (which I unfortunately do not have time to research right now) which allow people to be flogged for petty theft, weapons, but have little or no problem with people who punch other people in the mouth.

What am I not understanding?

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Originally Posted by sirahcsirahc

Sigh. JudyKayTee, please read my original post and see my original question.



I have already involved the police, but that is another matter. Now I just want to know how I can help my parents see that kicking him out will do everyone good

To break it down, what I'm asking for is advice on:
1) how to approach my parents about this
2) how to explain to my parents that perhaps living apart from him is the best idea
3) what to say to them etc

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It sounds like your situation with your parents is much like an abused wife who won't/can't leave her husband. A classic abuser makes sure their victim is too scared to do anything. So the abuse can continue and will do so until someone stands up to them. You parents are probably quite aware that they are being abused and probably don't think there is anyway out. You can try to talk to them, but they already know the truth.

Getting out of an abusive situation is NEVER easy. It's never as easy as "just leave" because you know there will be hell to pay. As with an abused wife, there is only so much the authorities can do to help and protect. Having the strength to utilize the protection the law allows you is difficult to acquire.

I know from experience that the only way this will stop is if your parents get tired enough of it to stand up to him. I got out of two abusive relationships that I thought had no way out. I KNEW if I left, I would be fighting a hornets nest and I was right. It got to the point where I was willing to fight and get out instead of living like that forever. But an abuser's main weapon is fear! As long as he can continue to scare your parents, he will have the upper hand. The second they stand up to him, he will do everything he can to intimidate them constantly until they give in again. Only when they make him realize they will not be held hostage by his abuse, will he stop,

However convincing them is not going to be easy. If I were in your situation, I would stand up myself. Start using the law to help you and help your parents find a way out. Don't let it continue waiting for parents to stop being afraid, that might never happen until they see some kind of way out of it.

IT's a giant hornet's nest but you have to decide if you're ready to do what it takes to stop it.

In addition... I'm sorry there are some on here being so rude to you. It makes me sad to see such inhumane behavior. It makes people in tough situations avoid asking for help because there's always people who are going to be mean. Hang in there... keep asking. It helps to at least talk about these things.

EDIT: My answer scrambled and I cannot get back in to edit it. Here is what I intended to post:

"In addition.... I'm sorry there are some on here being so rude to you. It makes me sad to see such inhumane behavior. It makes people in tough situations avoid asking for help because there's always people who are going to be mean. Hang in there... keep asking. It helps to at least talk about these things."


As one of the "mean" people I suggest that your comments may be from your heart but are inappropriate and based on posting 5 or 6 times. You have discounted 60,000+ posts and called people "inhumane" - again, based on very little experience on AMHD. It makes me sad to think that I am "mean" and "inhumane" because I answered the question honestly (as did other people). You cannot make people love you; you cannot make people see what they do not want to see. It's as simple as that.

If that is mean and inhumane (which I find to be an over the top word for this thread, by the way), so be it.

Be careful when you're on horseback. You could easily fall off and land on one of the foot soldiers. I'm surprised that your situation hasn't given you greater insight: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/parent...ml#post3491691

OP is not correctly quoting the law in his Country; therefore, I have no choice but to believe that this is not the entire story.

I also think this is a legal question, at least in part. You are apparently more familiar with the law in Singapore than I am, because I am not finding what the OP is stating to be fact. Perhaps your decision not to notify the Police when your daughter physically assaulted you ("Pulling my hair, punching me in the head, had me down and on top of me") is coloring your thinking on this thread. Perhaps your years of working with children with emotional problems gives you license to call other people mean, inhumane (?) and, I qather, nonsupportive and possibly abusive. I don't know.

I am always impressed and amazed that my colleagues on the board, particularly those who do counsel, remain totally objective and nonjudgmental, no matter what. "Tal," "Joy" and "Jake," and there are others, remain totally unruffled - always.

As one of my colleagues put it, this story is not cohesive.