My husband refuses to drive me to work but drives a man he works with to and from work.This is because the man's wife has a baby and says she needs to have her husbands car every day (the man who my husband drives to and from work). So I have bought a car for myself as I need to get to work. This means that my husband and I have to run two cars in exactly the same direction as we work near each other. The man that my husband drives has never contributed to fuel for the car, he has been doing this for two years now and it looks like this will continue as his wife is pregnant again, but a full time car for her, she feels is very important as she thinks she is special as she has babies and is a stay at home mum.

Do you think that my husband is being used and also is neglecting me and our relationship, as I don't believe that just because a woman has a baby that she should insist on her husbands car, while he gets driven to work to get money for her and I either cannot get to work to pay our mortgage or have to buy a car which I have done.

When a husband and wife have a different viewpoint, and it's not a matter of infidelity or crime or anything else that is obviously 'right' or 'wrong,' then the couple has to work this out with compromise and negotiation. This is a matter of how to share expenses and whether you feel neglected and unappreciated. (We also don't know if there is more to his refusal to drive you to work, such as are you ready when he wants to leave, and other nuances.)
My feeling is that couples rarely spend enough time discussing finances. My feeling is also that each spouse needs to have his and her own money, and a shared account for the house. It sounds cold, but it is actually liberating. Then when he disapproves of your 3 day spa weekend with a girlfriend, you can say 'tough - you choose what you do with your money, and we have less in our house account because I have to own my own car.'
(Of course I would want my own car anyway.. )
How he feels about his co-worker is his right. If you feel hurt about the stay at home mom part (I wouldn't be, personally, especially given that you are grandparents and the co-worker is obviously much younger), then you discuss that with him. Again, there's no right and wrong about it floating out in the online world.

Oh heck, this is nitpicking. Your husband HAS TO ASK for a contribution towards fuel. If he has not done this, or you have not, then you must and at least solve one issue.

You having your own car, and even though you both go in the same direction, means you are more independent to do what you want on your lunch hour or after.

I agree with joy, I have my own account, my own car, my own job, and I enjoy the freedom having all of this gives me.

As for the stay at home mom, I sense a little jealousy there, maybe?

I don't understand what your husbands reasoning for not taking you to work is. I would just look at it as that is their arrangement and even if he is being used that is on him. As long as his driving the guy to work isn't coming back on your pocketbook. Try not to let this affect your mood, detach from the situation.
I would be more upset about the reason he won't drive you. But then on the same token by you having to drive yourself you are free to stop at a store or do what you want before and after work unless you have to be home right away.

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Originally Posted by N0help4u

I don't understand what your husbands reasoning for not taking you to work is. I would just look at it as that is their arrangement and even if he is being used that is on him. As long as his driving the guy to work isn't coming back on your pocketbook. Try not to let this affect your mood, detach from the situation.
I would be more upset about the reason he won't drive you. But then on the same token by you having to drive yourself you are free to stop at a store or do what you want before and after work unless you have to be home right away.

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Totally agree about not letting it effect mood or anything else for that matter.

Why can he also not take you ? How big is car, most cars in US will fit 3 people.

But yes, if he is car pooling, the oher person needs to be paying gas,

Is it a two-seat car? If not, has there ever been a discussion of compromising and he takes both of you to work?

If he takes you to work, how would you get home? I ask because you seem to make a difference between being taken to work and the co-worker being taken to and from work.

Was he taking you to work before he started helping his co-worker? Does he have an arrangement with the co-worker that you don't know about?

I agree that you need to talk with your husband. I also think you need to let go some of the anger and frustration you seem to be nurturing. Do you have any outlets for your stress?

Is this his chance to get away family stress before he gets to work? Does he have any outlets or friends he spends time with to relieve some of his stress?

Are you allowing your relationship with your daughter to color your perception of the co-worker's wife?

Hello you lovely people who replied!! The story I have told happened many years ago. I asked the question because it has been bugging me for a long time. We are both retired now and we both drive each other or together when we need to. But when we had a mortgage and were young my husband did this i.e drive people to work and home as he said he was being kind. And of course I was always ready to go and I spent my money in those days largely on his ever increasing needs and in paying off our mortgage. I guess I was very young and trusting, but now as we are both retired he sees that he was used by a lot of people in all sorts of ways which I found very frustrating but now its entirely different. I just wanted to get other peoples views as after the person he drove to work for many years who never paid for gas left the city, we never heard from either him or his wife again.

I can understand how he felt. People that have kids, you have to give them a lot of credit for trying to work and provide for their kids rather than getting on welfare. Your husband probably felt sorry for the kids and thinking that if he can't get to work he can't provide for them

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Originally Posted by Giedre

Hello you lovely people who replied!!! The story i have told happened many years ago. I asked the question because it has been bugging me for a long time. We are both retired now and we both drive each other or together when we need to. But when we had a mortgage and were young my husband did this i.e drive people to work and home as he said he was being kind. And of course i was always ready to go and i spent my money in those days largely on his ever increasing needs and in paying off our mortgage. I guess i was very young and trusting, but now as we are both retired he sees that he was used by a lot of people in all sorts of ways which i found very frustrating but now its entirely different. I just wanted to get other peoples views as after the person he drove to work for many years who never paid for gas left the city, we never heard from either him or his wife again.

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Maybe he was just a nice and good person who loves helping people out.

Anyhow it is irrelevant now. Now that you are retired, you have nothing better to do but think about these stuff. Just leave it in the past.

Sometimes you have to let people learn on their own and since this is such an old issue and its resolved stop letting it bug you.

'.. he has been doing this for two years now and it looks like this will continue.. '

I'm finding it strange that you wrote in the present tense and then reveal that it was long ago. Why?

@joy. OP said she posted it that way because it was 'bugging her'. I feel that this is a misrepresentation, and I was a little 'ticked' that I had spent my time replying and following others replying for a post that was more or less bogus.

In other words, and I guess she doesn't know we are all volunteers here with other urgent matters to attend to like jobs, and responsibilities, answering something that was not legitimate and taking us away from someone who actually needed help.

She could have started by stating that 'this happened some time ago, and I would like feedback please', then it would not have appeared so urgent.

I wrote in the present tense as it seems like yesterday, and also because my husband continues to "help people out" but to a lesser degree. What bugs me is that he was always the kindest and nicest person to the general public but abusive to me to the extent that I used to believe that I was worthless but now because we both study and are volunteers I speak to all kinds of people every day who actually direct most conversations to me rather than my husband if he is with me and I try to involve him as he always at the start of any conversation laughs really loudly even if there us nothing funny and tries to be "very helpful" but now his "help" is usually politely refused. I guess I just needed to vent, as I think I could have done a lot more, but he is good to our children and grandchildren as I have posted before. Its just me he used to have a problem with and perhaps it was because I have darker skin than him and his family did not like this. I think that not driving me to work when we were young was just another indicator of his love of abusing me and I wanted to know other peoples opinions of this as at the time I was too frightened to ask anyone.

As noted, we are volunteers who donate our time to help people. We don't like it when people play games with us about the facts. As noted, you could have told the truth and gotten proper feedback.

Your deception now affects our responses to you.

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Originally Posted by tickle

Oh heck, this is nitpicking. Your husband HAS TO ASK for a contribution towards fuel. If he has not done this, or you have not, then you must and at least solve one issue.

You having your own car, and even though you both go in the same direction, means you are more independent to do what you want on your lunch hour or after.

I agree with joy, I have my own account, my own car, my own job, and I enjoy the freedom having all of this gives me.

As for the stay at home mom, I sense a little jealousy there, maybe?

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My thought as I read this as well.

I agree with Joy and Tickle and I was going to actually put a real answer in here until I saw this was something that happened long ago... I thought it was rather deceptive and I am still not even sure we're being told the real story.

I sense something 'dark' that has nothing to do with skin color, but rather an inability to direct your feelings toward their real source.
I feel bad about these age old troubles with your husband... and with the daughter who sponged off you so much and then used her children as pawns. But I don't get the feeling that you deal with problems with clarity, even within some short time after the dust has settled.
Being extra helpful to others and not to you - laughing loudly to take over your conversations - trying to be overly helpful even now - and now something ancient about skin color - it's all a disjointed set of grievances.
You have stayed with your husband all these years. You chose to do that. If you want advice about divorce, this is the place. It's not a place to vent about the whole stewpot.

Well many do come here to vent old feelings and new, but I wish they would say so, and give facts up front not 10 posts later.

Makes a big difference.

I'm an investigator. That's what I do for a living. I learned a very long time ago that all other issues and problems aside when you open a conversation with me with a lie I can trust absolutely nothing else to be the truth.

This is all immaterial because no one can possibly know what anyone is thinking now (quite frankly you seem to have some need to get revenge for past hurts, let other people know your husband is not the wonderful person they think he is, something eles), let alone what anyone else was thinking "then."

I'm going to disagree somewhat with my esteemed colleagues. If my husband wants to drive people to work or anywhere else, it's his dime. If he doesn't ask for gasoline reimbursement (and I don't know that he didn't, because he apparently didn't share much of anything with you) it is absolutely none of my business.

I also think your husband's finances - unless this is something new in the relationship, he used to share info with you and no longer does - and why the "other woman" needs her husband's car are none of your business.

You have been carrying this grudge for many, many years. Maybe he didn't want to hear your complaints about this and any other family/marital issues all the way to work and all the home again, assuming your behavior was the same.

Then the whole "who is darker" card gets thrown into the mix.

I'm not sure what the problem is. It sounds like a cheap shot but it's coming from a female - have you had your hormone levels checked?

EDIT: I have come back to add that I never understand why someone comes on a Q and A board, this one or others, and posts (deliberately) untrue or misleading or incomplete info when that person realizes volunteers are taking their time and energy to answer the questions. There is another thread right now where about 10 posts in the truth about an addiction is revealed. Why waste other people's time? Even if "we" agree with you, that agreement is based on totally incorrect and/or untrue info - so it's totally without value.?