Ask Me Help Desk - My husband doesn't want to have sex with me

I have been married for only 8 months and I feel like I could walk away from my marriage. I love my husband so much, if I didn't I would never have married him. And I married him to be together forever! (That's the point right?) But since we have been married our sex life has disintegrated in to nothing! I feel like we are room mates!
I have always believed that when the sex goes from the marriage it is on it's way out. And it's not like I haven't tried things to spice it up, I have tried everything! And sometimes he has just laughed at me, which hurts obviously! The truth is, when we do have sex he is very selfish! And I'm just worried that he is no longer attracted to me. He says he is always tired and struggles to get turned on which I know is a lie because I have seen his internet history and he regularly uses porn, not only when I am out at work on the weekend but also when I am in the next room!
I am too embarrassed to talk to a friend about this and when I talk to him he says he knows he needs to make more of an effort and he will, but after him trying it on with me once then it's all forgotten and we go back to just being friends!
We are supposed to be trying for a baby, which was his idea and I can't get pregnant on my own! The only time he wants to have sex is when he is hungover, which is hardly ever because we are so busy working and being parents to our 10 year old we never get to go out.
I think he could happily go along as we are but I can't! We used to have great sex and I can't live just being friends. It is making me very unhappy and despite me telling him this nothing has changed. I am finding myself constantly annoyed at him now because I am so frustrated with him!
I just don't know what to do any more...

From everything I've learned from talking to people porn desensitizes. If you watch something enough it satisfies to where you don't need it yourself, Studies are showing that many people lay around watching TV because they get satisfied as if what they are watching is THEIR life. You need to talk to your husband. Maybe tell him since things aren't quite what you expected in a relationship you are going to spend time having a life and get involved in hobbies, organizations or some kind of classes, Some times when a woman gets involved with a productive life of her own with her own interests that is enough to turn a guy on. But by the sound of it you will not be happy with him changing anyway because of the selfish issue. When guys are selfish like that they are out for them and its just going to disappoint you more.

Excellent advice from NOhelp.

In the beginning of your post, you said you could walk away from your marriage. Please put any and all plans on having a baby until you get some issues solved.

When needs and wants in a couple are in conflict, there has to be some resolve, otherwise, you will carry on feeling hurt and resentful.

Please seek couples counseling to address the issue of the porn, with the connection to his lack of interest in sex. Hard to say which came first, the chicken or the egg, but, I too think there is a connection.

For an otherwise healthy young man to have almost zero sex drive, there is a problem. It could be stress, alcohol related, personal issues, erectile difficulties, etc. To have you believe that there isn't a cause, is unrealistic. You trying as hard as you can, may very well be pushing him further away in that department because he feels under pressure. Add pressure to perform on top of what is really causing this, and you will get nowhere, and neither will he.

IF he sees this issue as a problem, and WANTS to address it, I would sign up for couples counseling so you can both be heard with an impartial third person. I would also not rule out the possibility there could be physical issues at play here, that he himself may not be aware of.

The problem is not you, and you can't fix it. Take a step back, and try to set some goals together in order to address the problems.

It could be, he really does not want baby, but also, if he is addicted to porn ( some porn is normal) but not excessive.

If you need to, set up a schedule for now, something to work on, take time and have a date night, to get out and have a sitter for kid.

He "uses" porn - for what, masturbating?

We are supposed to be trying for a baby, which was his idea and I can't get pregnant on my own! The only time he wants to have sex is when he is hungover, which is hardly ever because we are so busy working and being parents to our 10 year old we never get to go out."

I have never enjoyed hangover - if drunken - sex.

Are you sure he wants a baby and isn't just agreeing with you?

How old are both of you? What is your definition of 'nothing'? I ask because it is a relative term when it is used in relationships.

This is very general because only he can tell you what he is thinking and feeling. People can look at porn and not masturbate. It could be that he is tired and stressed and really isn't feeling up to intercourse. Looking at porn could his attempt at reviving his libido. He may not want to attempt intercourse for fear of not being able perform.

How long were you a couple before you married? Are you both the biological parents of the ten year old?

You mention being busy working and parenting in reference to getting drunk, but are they also factors in trying to connect intimately? How much time do you have together to be a couple without the distractions of work and parenting? Do you take time to be together and enjoy each other's company when you aren't expecting sex? Do you show each other affection in other ways?

This sentence makes me wonder how much pressure you are putting on him to have sex.

Quote:

I have always believed that when the sex goes from the marriage it is on it's way out.

Are you perhaps putting a lot of pressure on him to have sex when he hasn't felt up to it because of your expectations of a viable marriage? Understand that pressure to have sex can be a libido limiter and if it continues. A libido killer.

You say that you have talked to him. But have you listened to him? If you want him to listen to you, you have to pay attention to him. He has said he is tired, etc. He has said that he is having difficulty getting aroused. He has tried telling you what his issues are. Have you backed off to let him try to work through his issues? Have you asked him to get a check up? Have you asked him what he thinks might help him or have you tried coming up with your own solutions that aren't working?

Something to think about: Are you allowing your own insecurities to cause you to make matters worse? Be careful that you aren't pushing him away even as you try to hold him closer.

Do not rely on him to make you feel attractive. His attention should enhance how you feel about yourself. Have confidence in yourself. It does make a difference.

Sit down and communicate with him. Listen to him the way you want him to listen to you. Ask him to get a check up. Erectile/arousal issues can be symptoms of other health issues. Work together to see what needs to change. It may be timing. It may be sending the ten year old off for the evening. It may be reconnecting as lovers by starting with something as simple as holding hands while watching a movie. But do not make this all about him not meeting your needs. I think the being 'selfish in bed' may be his attempt to satisfy your needs when he wasn't ready and it hasn't been working.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

He "uses" porn - for what, masturbating?

We are supposed to be trying for a baby, which was his idea and I can't get pregnant on my own! The only time he wants to have sex is when he is hungover, which is hardly ever because we are so busy working and being parents to our 10 year old we never get to go out."

I have never enjoyed hangover - if drunken - sex.

Are you sure he wants a baby and isn't just agreeing with you?

Yes he uses porn to masturbate at whatever opportunity he can get. Not only when I am out but when I am in the next room or in the bath. And the whole baby thing was his idea, to be honest it was the furthest thing from my mind right now as we are only just married and still pretty young (I am 28, he is nearly 30).

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cat1864

How old are both of you? What is your definition of 'nothing'? I ask because it is a relative term when it is used in relationships.

This is very general because only he can tell you what he is thinking and feeling. People can look at porn and not masturbate. It could be that he is tired and stressed and really isn't feeling up to intercourse. Looking at porn could his attempt at reviving his libido. He may not want to attempt intercourse for fear of not being able perform.

How long were you a couple before you married? Are you both the biological parents of the ten year old?

You mention being busy working and parenting in reference to getting drunk, but are they also factors in trying to connect intimately? How much time do you have together to be a couple without the distractions of work and parenting? Do you take time to be together and enjoy each other's company when you aren't expecting sex? Do you show each other affection in other ways?

This sentence makes me wonder how much pressure you are putting on him to have sex.

Are you perhaps putting a lot of pressure on him to have sex when he hasn't felt up to it because of your expectations of a viable marriage? Understand that pressure to have sex can be a libido limiter and if it continues. a libido killer.

You say that you have talked to him. But have you listened to him? If you want him to listen to you, you have to pay attention to him. He has said he is tired, etc. He has said that he is having difficulty getting aroused. He has tried telling you what his issues are. Have you backed off to let him try to work through his issues? Have you asked him to get a check up? Have you asked him what he thinks might help him or have you tried coming up with your own solutions that aren't working?

Something to think about: Are you allowing your own insecurities to cause you to make matters worse? Be careful that you aren't pushing him away even as you try to hold him closer.

Do not rely on him to make you feel attractive. His attention should enhance how you feel about yourself. Have confidence in yourself. It does make a difference.

Sit down and communicate with him. Listen to him the way you want him to listen to you. Ask him to get a check up. Erectile/arousal issues can be symptoms of other health issues. Work together to see what needs to change. It may be timing. It may be sending the ten year old off for the evening. It may be reconnecting as lovers by starting out with something as simple as holding hands while watching a movie. But do not make this all about him not meeting your needs. I think the being 'selfish in bed' may be his attempt to satisfy your needs when he wasn't ready and it hasn't been working.

We have been together for 4 years and married for 8 months and no he isn't my child's biological father but he has adopted him as his biological father is not on the scene and never has been.

Yes I guess I have started to put a bit of pressure on it it which is unfair I know, but I am kind of at the point where I am so annoyed he can find the time to satisfy himself but claims to be too tired for me. We both work really hard in high pressure jobs as well as parenting and we don't get any down time. The only time we manage to find to go out is for other peoples events, weddings, birthdays etc. Which is every couple of months. I have no family around which makes it difficult to get a sitter and he has his parents who we can't ask to regularly because they have a social life themselves. Since our wedding I have gained 7lbs which had knocked my confidence a bit and this just kind of reinforces it.

I appreciate your advice and do agree with everything you are saying, it all makes perfect sense. I need more patience and we need to make more of an effort for couples time, no excuses.

The minute you mentioned the porn, it answered most of your questions. Some people can watch it and it doesn't "bother" them. Others become so fixated by it that it is totally real to them and instead of the real thing, they live out the fantasies associated with it. He laughs at you because he is comparing you to the artificial women in porn. He secretly wants you to be one of them but them when you try to be "sexy" to him, or "spice things up" he sees you as is wife trying to be something you cannot be in his mind. Have you confronted him about his "habit"? Will he even talk about it. You need to approach it as understanding and inquisitive and not accusatory. He is probably in denial about it and won't open up about it but you have to start somewhere. 8 months is a pretty short time for the sex to wear out in a new marriage,, 8 years I can understand but not 8 months. Good Luck.

One other thing... you say he is 30. I will presume you do not know if he was "into" porn before you guys were married or even met. Doubtful that it is a new "thing".

A totally different legal issue - how was a husband of 8 months able to adopt the wife's child with another man? In 8 months, start to finish, plus the required length of the marriage?

Something isn't ringing right to me.

Had the birth father given up parental rights, it's possible to happen that quickly but it's a real stretch. Custody decisions usually take over a year so an adoption seem sketchy in such a short time.

Many States require a stable relationship - which is usually 1 year - before papers can even be filed.

Wonder where...

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

Many States require a stable relationship - which is usually 1 year - before papers can even be filed.

Wonder where ...

I am not in America. And the biological father has never been in his life and has never wanted to be. We were lead to believe it would be very difficult and drawn out and lots of court cases, but it was actually far more straight forward than we thought.
It's actually quite a sensitive issue for me which is why I didn't go into it, also I didn't feel it necessary to the question I asked

Without revealing too much info, posting the level of your comfort, is there no requirement that a couple be married X years or that the birth father sign a release?

Obviously different from us.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

Without revealing too much info, posting the level of your comfort, is there no requirement that a couple be married X years or that the birth father sign a release?

Obviously different from us.

When I originally looked into it all I was told we would need that to happen, so when we turned up for our original appointment to get the ball rolling we were told that the information we were given was wrong as he has never been on the birth certificate and has denied parentage since birth and also he refused to have DNA testing. Apparently it simplifies everything. Which was better for us

Good for you! Undoubtedly also better for your child - no sudden rush by the birth parent to be responsible and then a gradual slacking off.

Thank you very much for answering me - always good to learn something.

Thanks again.