Hi,
How does one deal with controlling parents? From a very young age my parents have controlled me. Like at the age of 5 I had a nasty habit of biting my nails. So my mum made me promise I wouldn't do it and she said if I would do it again then she would
Die. Then when I was around 12 she used to get me to do work by saying how she was not going to live for very long so I should start taking care of myself. Needless to say, I started getting nightmares about her dying and this one time I got up in the middle of the night and went to sleep next to her crying. Then things started getting worse and I feared every phone call would bring bad news. My dad just says no to almost everything (like going to a cinema) and gets verbally abusive if we provoke him about anything. There is so much more I won't say. I mean they are really loving people who would do anything for me. I know that. But it's the controlling I can't stand. Please help me put

Parents control, that is their job, And you are not suppose to provoke your parents. IIf you argue with them, they will only have to control harder, since obviouly it is not working

Parents do this to encourage positive behaviour... and inhibit socially unacceptible negative behaviour.

This is for your benefit.. and you will eventually understand they do this because they care.

I think it is emotionally abusive to tell a child that you are essentially going to die if this or that isin't getting done. Or that she will die if you don't stop chewing your nails.

There are probably many more examples you give, but I get the impression that these negative, destructive and horrible consequences to you if you don't do what you are told, only creates more problems, as you have found out.

There are better ways to discipline children rather than threatening them with the death of a parent if they don't do what they are told. This leaves scars.

I would like to know how old you are before I offer any advice.

Other thread says she's 20.

I think "you" are old enough to be out on your own, away from anyone who is trying to control you. If you are in college and your parents are paying your expenses they get to make the rules, whether it's fair and you like the rules, or not. On the other hand, get a job, pay your own way through. I did, and so did a lot of other people.

EDIT: Now I'm really confused - You have said you feel like you don't "fit in" your family - https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/mental...ne-745255.html. On your other thread you seem to have a different set of problems.

Your other thread also says that you moved out of your parents' home. You live somewhere else but have to call your parents to get permission to go to the movies? That doesn't make sense to me.

I am asking that your threads be combined so that the issues are easier to understand.

If what happened 15 to 18 years ago is so scarring that you are getting chest pains and anxiety attacks (other thread) I think some professional counseling could help.

And, yes, "I'm going to die and so ..." is emotionally abusive. It is also cultural. My late husband and I were of different religious backgrouns - he heard this from his mother on a daily basis, complete with a chest clutch and eye roll.

It was cultural.

I am 20 year old female and yes the culture thing is important. I moved out a year ago to go to college and they di pay for it. Thing is... for about 9-10 months I don't have to put up with it. But when I come back home a few weeks into it it starts again. And I need to come back I NEED to have a relationship with them. They are my parents. And the controlling was also done through other ways. And yes I did have anxiety but it went away once I moved out. The he heart burn is completely unrelated thread. I know they are excellent people who really do want what's best.

The "heartburn" very well could be anxiety related. And, no, a relationship with your parents would be nice if it isn't destroying you. You ask what the pain is. Now you've diagnosed it yourself based no reponses. What?

You can't complain about the "I'm dying" statements and then defend them with "it's cultural." Cultural or not, it's abusive.

So the answer is - you move back out, pay your own way, get to pick what you do and when you do it. Come back "home" to live when you are independent.

You cannot live in your parents' house and expect them to feed, clothe and shelter you and do everything else "your way."

Maybe they are abusive. Maybe they aren't.

I think you need to speak to a counselor or trusted adult about all of your issues.

I agree with JudyKayTee, you get to have things you own way once you have a job... have your own place and pay your own bllls. And live within the constraints of your own paycheck. As long as you are in your parents house.. on your parents dime... with them paying all the bills.. they get to make the rules. Just because you are over 18 doesn't mean it's a free for all on their dime.

I think much of it might be to encourage you to want to move out and get on with your life rather than continue to lounge around on their dime.

Let me tell you its NOT like college where you knew they bills were paid. But when you live knowing with certainty... I have X dollars to last until next payday... I have to pay rent.. electric gas, water and that's before you set anything aside for food or yourself. THat iws IF there is anything left.

Because don't pay the rent.. you get evicted... don't pay your utilities and they get shut off... don't pay for food and you don't eat... don't pay for a car, insurance, gas and repairs... you don't drive.

Let me tell you, the first years on your own are going to be rough... and you are going to WISH you could come home to what you have been complaining about.

Its easy to gripe and complain when you aren't actually supporting yourself... when you are struggling to make ends meet... you really understand you do what you have to do... you get to have things your own way if you can afford to... and it might be many years before you really can.

You are lucky... they were able to pay for your college... my parents couldn't afford to... and I was the wrong ethnic group to get assistance when I went... and I wasn't in the top five of my class to get the scholarships...

So I financed it through student loans that were 8.5% at the time... and today you hear kids crying bloody miurder they just went up to 6.5% (which is really only temproary).

Was over 8 years before I could afford to rent my own place and not need roomates to make ends meet. And I'm an Engineer.

Let me tell you... a few more years will make ALL the difference in how you see things... and you won't always see them like you do now.

I do not that OP complains that her parents began to control her when she was age 5. Isn't that what parents do?

It seems more about the control than the threats (dying, whatever).


And, yes, my house, my rules, and, yes, I also put myself through school. I've posted this before. My late husband had a specific list of rules. His daughters followed them and he paid their college expenses and lived "home." One of them was good grades. One daughter failed out one semester. Guess what? No more paid college expenses. She realized it the next semester, got her act together, he resumed paying. He did not "reimburse" her for that semester.

There are rules and privileges. Don't like the rules? Move out.

I lived with the... "I walked five miles barefoot to school and five miles back every day..." And walked it in the snow with shoes all winter. I eventually did get to see the school she attended... yes it really was a one room school... and yes it really was a 5 mile walk. And those roads did used to be dirt and gravel because I know they didn't get paved until years after I was an adult.And that was five miles in the mountains were there wasn't but two or three other houses in all that distance. Where there were and are Bear, Bobcats, WIldcats, and mountain lions... not to mention a few poisonous snakes...

So it was actually real... and I know the hardships of actual poverty... (not what passes as poor today), even though I never had to experience the worst of it myself.. Because I grew up in the edges of Appalachia. Where much of this still exists.

That's before children thought they were entitled.

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

That's before children thought they were entitled.

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And its exactly those kids (the ones who feel entitled) that have the greatest shock of what the real world is actually like. When they find out nobody is going to hand them anything.. they have to earn it all.

The concept of you are entitled to only what you actually earn is a hard lesson for someone used to having it all handed to them by their parents..

This is one of the areas where children raised in third world countries actually have the edge on kids that had it easy. And why they tend to do so well.

Okay I am not entitled. I do pay my expenses. Just not tuition. And my question was how do I deal with the emotional controlling. Yes, I know I cannot have complete freedom, not till I am on my own. I know they have every right to control me because at the end of the day they do feed/clothe me. I think you are focusing entirely on the fact that I said my parents pay for my education and are moving forth from there. Maybe I am mistaken but I think you are over generalizing

Quote:

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Originally Posted by sttw11

Okay I am not entitled. I do pay my expenses. Just not tuition. And my question was how do i deal with the emotional controlling. Yes, I know I cannot have complete freedom, not till I am on my own. I know they have every right to control me because at the end of the day they do feed/clothe me. I think you are focusing entirely on the fact that I said my parents pay for my education and are moving forth from there. Maybe I am mistaken but I think you are over generalizing

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Nope... actually its all part of it. Because we've all been there... your perspective on life is a very narrow one because you've never had to make it on your own, YET... and until you are COMPLETELY on your own. (college isn't on your own)... you are still living on mom and dads dime... so to speak.

Its figurative more than literal.

But we have ALL been there because we were all your age and remember how things changed.. and how our perspectives changed after we actually did move out and support ourselves... and learned what I talked about, and many of us have had kids that thought mom and dad would just keep up the support forever...

Who hasn't though their parents overdramatised things when we lived at home... and how many of us found out after we were on our own.. without any help... the drama was all caused by us, not our parents.

And what you consider controlling... is actually a way of getting you ready for the real world... when you have to do what you have to do... and its rarely what you might want to do at that moment. You will understand this completely about 5 or so years after you do move out and support yourself... and you will feel bad for thinking this way.

"Okay I am not entitled. I do pay my expenses. Just not tuition. And my question was how do i deal with the emotional controlling. Yes, I know I cannot have complete freedom, not till I am on my own. I know they have every right to control me because at the end of the day they do feed/clothe me. I think you are focusing entirely on the fact that I said my parents pay for my education and are moving forth from there. Maybe I am mistaken but I think you are over generalizing"

Okay, I'm very willing to hear what you have to say.

I, of course will say the same thing in response - until you are 100% on your own, your parents make the rules.

You said your parents get angry when they get provoked. So stop provoking them. As far as the movies, that seems a little over the top - but, again, their house, their rules.

I suggested couselling many posts ago.