Ask Me Help Desk - What to do about 18 year old daughter?

Last night I found birth control pills in her purse, and after some yelling she confessed she has been having sex with her boyfriend of 4 months. The guy seems like a total loser, has at least 6 tattoos! Not even in college. I've talked to him twice and I don't like him. I have no idea what to do. In my house I've always taught my kids no sex before marriage, I have never been so angry in my life. She wants to invite him over so I can "get to know him" but I'm not wasting my time trying to get to know this . I took away her car and her keys. I don't even want to look at her! Should I kick her out if she does not stop seeing this guy? I will not raise another kid when she gets pregnant and it's only a matter of time before she does.. NO birth control is 100% effective.. This is sickening..

Kicking her out will almost guarantee you will have a grandchild sometime during the next year. Talk with her gently and honestly about birth control, that they need to use more than one kind (and even that is not a sure thing).

I say invite him over for a meal or pizza and get to know him. The more you push back, the stronger your daughter will hold onto him. If she can see him for what he really is, she might get her head on straight again.

Yes, yes... I see your point. 6 tattoos and no college definitely spells loser.

She's 18... a legal adult... these mistakes are hers to make.

You can inform her... that as an adult... she is fully responsible for her actions.

THis means when she pays her own rent... and supports herself she can do things her way. But while she lives in your house... (and it is YOUR house). There are a set of rules she must follow. And tell her what they are.

At this point as an adult it's a priveledge she is enjoying living at home as you are not required to either support her or give her a place to live without obligations.

Inform her... that if she continues to see this guy... you will start charging her room and board. She will pay them like any tenant (do not give her a long term lease... keep it month to month)... and the house rules will still apply. In case you actuallyt have to follow through and evict her... yes that legal process will apply because she's an adult and legally a tenant right now.

If she finds herself pregnant... she will find herself out of your house and on her own... you will not raise her child... or her boyfriend.

But worst of all you will have to have the backbone to do this if it comes to it.

Some kids get it in their head they are entitled to a free ride and don't grasp what real freedom involves and how much it costs... and get snooty thinking they can have it both ways... to their advantage.

Its also a delicate line to walk because she might decide to go with the looser and ruin her future out of spite...

I may come across as harsher than some will... but I'm a strong believer in personal responsibility... and have seen the results of too many cases where the kids walked all over the parents taking advantage of them in some cases well into their 30's. One had not one but THREE kids to blackmail continued support from the parents... in her 30's.

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Originally Posted by odinn7

Yes, yes...I see your point. 6 tattoos and no college definitely spells loser.

She's 18....a legal adult...these mistakes are hers to make.

Totally totally totally agree.

Maybe if Renee chose a supportive route, which is against all she believes in and her will (I get it), then things would turn out better. Set up this situation to succeed. As in:

1) Kick her out = failure on so many levels;

Or

2) Counsel her during this time. Show her you can discuss things and not be the evil wicked witch of the East. Then she will come to you to discuss things and that is what you want.

You just can't levy your morals and guidelines on her when she is 18. After you calm down, isn't it better that she discuss these things with you. But you have already lost your temper I suppose so you have some work to do.

You are at a crossroads of parenting. Looking in her purse, even for something else... Taking away her car (your car, I presume)? Telling her not in my house. She's an adult, but you are treating her like a 14 year old. It's time to sit down with yourself first, to ask yourself what you are willing to keep or reject. It's certainly OK to say that while under my roof you must abide by my rules. It's not OK to define her life away from your house and tell her what her moral and ethical decisions must be. You have done your best to raise her, and now she must make them on her own. If you try to treat her as a child, you are doing more harm than good.

You do nothing. She is 18. She can make her own life. If you don't approve, you have every right to make her find a new place to live.
If you try to control her life, she may just leave and never come back.
You've got to let her make her own choices, and yes, even her own mistakes.

The more you rebel against her choices, the more she'll rebel against you. You may want to get to know this guy, he may be the father of your grandkids one day.

The question is, do you want your daughter in your life more than you want him out of hers?

Our daughter began seeing a guy, whom we suspected was a real loser (so far, he ha proven us correct). When she began staying with him more than at home, we gave her an ultimatum that if she wanted to live with him, make adult decisions for herself, then we would no longer support her financially. She chose him, took over all her bills, says she is getting a student loan (has never had to before, at a private costly college), has tried to get food stamps, quick payday loans, etc. We feel we don't even know our daughter anymore. All this being said, as long as she is still home, I would encourage you to be prepared to stand behind any ultimatums you hand out. It has been terribly hard on us watching her self destruct over this guy. Prayers with you and your daughter.

Don't kick her out , just don't let her to do anything , don't buy her clothes let her go for months with her old stuff , don't give her money or let her go out . If she try to go out you tell her she doesn't need to come back home. Let her to go to school and always check on her. Yell at her all the time , and have a talk with her , tell her that all man lie , a talk about sex explain to her that she only likes him because his cool and stuff but when it comes to marriage he will be a different person a stuff like that.

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yell at her all the time

What? Really?

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tell her that all man lie

That is not true and very prejudicial!

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Don't kick her out , just don't let her to do anything , don't buy her clothes let her go for months with her old stuff , don't give her money or let her go out . If she try to go out you tell her she doesn't need to come back home. Let her to go to school and always check on her. Yell at her all the time , and have a talk with her , tell her that all man lie , a talk about sex explain to her that she only likes him because his cool and stuff but when it comes to marriage he will be a different person a stuff like that.

This is by far some of the worst advice I've ever heard. I'm willing to bet that this member does not have any children, much less teenage children. And should probably never HAVE children.

The more you fight her the further you are going to drive her into his arms. Your negativity is going to make her feel that she is making the right choices by being with him. Really you should be civil with him and try to see what it is she sees in him. You do need to lay down the house rules, if she moves or gets kicked out no keys, if the car is yours no keys, no boyfriend in house with exceptions made by you.