Hello.

First off, let me share my background.
I'm a 21 year old guy, in a relationship with my 20 year old girlfriend. Although the relationship has only lasted 3 months this far, we've known each other for over two years, being best friends and each other's confidant for more than half of that time, and harboring a secret love during most of the last year.
Our friendship was as good as it gets, with a lot of caring, fun, trust & support. All of it completely unconditional. There were the occasional arguments of course, but they could be counted using a hand's fingers.

After we got together, things seemed to change. My trust for her started to disappear, I started needing her to spend more time with me and only me, until we both ended up isolated from everyone else. I started getting upset if she decided to use her free time to socialize with someone else.
The arguments grew up in periodicity and intensity, being weekly at first and having the intensity of only a disagreement, to occurring more and more often; With one of us threatening to leave and the other one begging for another chance. I was the first one who tried to leave, because I felt I was constantly hurting her, but I couldn't get myself to do it. She did it as well during the last two arguments.
After she showed me a quiz online about the topic, it became obvious for me that I had been emotionally abusive and controlling with her.

My problem is, now that I've recognized my behaviour and understood my mistake...


What's the first step I have to give in order to change myself completely?


Is it a good idea to revert back to close friends while I solve these issues, or would it help if I count with her support as my partner?




Despite the arguments, we still spent great times together and spoke a lot about our future, and I'd like to do anything I can to make her happy again.


Any help would be appreciated. Thanks in advance

Well first congratulations on actually accepting it and understanding that you have a problem. Most people blame everybody but themselves and then wonder why the same thing happens all the time.

So now that you've admitted it do you know where it comes from or why you feel this need? As you said you had a great friendship and only a handful of disagreements before you were controlling so you know that on a logical level being anything but controlling works. So when you get your emotions involved is it just that your scared of losing her? You didn't say if this was your first girlfriend so if it was maybe you were living things that you had seen in the past. But women need men to be more of a rock that stays firm. Being controlling, as you know, is actually an absence of your own control in a way.

You did great when you were friends and she was able to come to and go away then come back again. Then you were that rock. Try not to let your emotions control you but rather try to think logically. Here's the great thing about her going out with friends or not seeing you for a couple of days. She then has an opportunity to miss you and think about you and you "control" her emotions without force or even being there in person.

Hey,

Speaking from experience, you really need to give her space. I know its difficult with insecurity issues(where she is, what she's doing... etc.). But if you don't give her the space that she asks for, then I can almost guarantee you that you will lose this girl. I smothered my girlfriend(wait.. ex-girlfriend), I texted her 24/7, talked almost every night, begged her to spend every single minute with me, and in the end she got fed up and left.

I know its extremely difficult, but you have to let her have her "free time" to herself. Give her the chance to miss you... because you do love her right?

In my opinion, I just think you should:

1) Try not to make your life revolve around her. (Hang out with friends, family, play basketball etc.)
2) When she asks for space, for god's sake give it. Lol.
3) Don't be obsessive, needy. Be confident, be able to live life without her being there all the time.

If you love her, give her space. She'll respect you even more, and you'll receive twice the love back, and half the fights :).

Don't do what I did. I was an idiot.

Hope it helps.

It would be great if the two of you work together to over come this problem, that is what a relationship is about. You may need counseling to guide you through this process and she can support you, but the bottom line is to communicate to each other the best ways to go about solving this problem where you both can benefit. She may have some good ideas to help you through this. Talk and listen. I am glad you recognise your shortcomings and wish you luck overcoming them.

Thanks a lot for the replies, I think that I should provide a small update of the situation.

I don't exactly understand this need, fear of loss seems to be the main feeling, but I know that we used to talk every day as friends & that didn't really change when we got together. The only difference was the amount of hours, and the fact that it became something we had to do, rather than a choice.

She is not my first girlfriend, and I've been like this before in one occasion, which is why I don't believe this is a couple problem at all, and I'm trying to change myself.

imissher, thanks for the list. I'll certainly try your advice. :)


talaniman, we're both trying together to find a way to solve it, but we're both equally clueless in the matter, hence these posts. Counselling actually sounds great, but I do not have the means to do so, so it's not an option. :(
Our communication is great, it's always been like that. (We've always been there for each other to listen and help)
But I think I may have to start to listen more than before.


Thanks again for the replies.
This far, things are okay, but they are hardly at their prime. I guess that we're both waiting for this to be solved.
I'm scared that once we start getting really close again, these issues will resurface. If anyone knows any kind of strategy to solve this problem in a more permanent manner, I'd be glad to read it.

Practice and learn
How and when to shut up
When to back off
How

Practice and learn-
How and when to shut up
When to back off and shut up
How to leave people alone and shut up
Treat people with respect and shut up
Ask your lady to tell you what about you makes her mad and take notes but keep your mouth shut and listen, and do everything on her list.
Report back and keep your check book handy!

I've been in your exact situation and I know exactly how you feel. There's a loss of trust, needing to know where she is, what she's doing, wanting her by your side almost every second, feeling of losing her, etc.

So what's happening?

You've allowed yourself to be dependent on her. You rely on her to be happy. Everything that you do, is about her. It sounds harsh, but you're slowly turning into (or about to turn into) an obsessive, clingy, needy, week, crybaby boyfriend. But I do applaud you for realizing that you're wrong. (Most idiots like me didn't)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Condor86

If anyone knows any kind of strategy to solve this problem in a more permanent manner, I'd be glad to read it.

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Believe it or not, the only reason why you don't trust your girlfriend is because of you. When people dont trust themselves to be faithful, they project their own insecurites on their partner.

What do you do? Learn to be independent and work on yourself. It sounds retarded and lame, but you need to trust yourself before you can trust others. More importantly, you need to love yourself first before you can love her. The more doubt you put on yourself, the more strain you will put your relationship into.

So work on yourself... have fun, lol we're almost the same age and I know there's TONS of things to do out there. Believe me when I say, you don't need her to be happy all the time.

Make it work, cause she's worth it right?

Peace.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by imissher

You've allowed yourself to be dependent on her. You rely on her to be happy. Everything that you do, is about her. It sounds harsh, but you're slowly turning into (or about to turn into) an obsessive, clingy, needy, week, crybaby boyfriend. But i do applaud you for realizing that you're wrong. (Most idiots like me didn't)

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I've been in the idiot club before.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by imissher

Believe it or not, the only reason why you dont trust your girlfriend is because of you. When people dont trust themselves to be faithful, they project their own insecurites on their partner.

---

When I was younger I was jealous but in my case it wasn't because I would've cheated but rather because I was afraid to face the reality of getting dumped. Which, ironically enough always happened so I quit fearing getting dumped. In my mid to late 20's if a relationship ended I usually pretty okay with it because I just looked at as though she lost out not me. So it may be age and lack of life experience that causes that feeling as well.

I just wanted to say I became to needy and dependent on my long distance boyfriend constantly calling, asking who what and when, and starting fights. It doesn't work. He just asked for a break and now I'm suffering even more. I realize I was too much for him. Now I have to give him space so he realizes I can chill out... don't let it get this bad. Stop right now, you don't know when it will be the last straw for your partner. Do your own thing, let them come to you. That's what you deserve, peace of mind.