Ask Me Help Desk - I'm having an affair.

I'm having an affair.

I am 35 and have been married to my husband for 8 years now, and we have a 5 year old girl.
Me and our daughter have been living in a separate country for the past 4 years, and my husband lives in another country for work purposes. But we travel back and fourth almost twice a year to spend time as a family.

My husband and I started having problems a month into the marriage (yep a month!) when I discovered that he had multiple online affairs. And later found out that many of those affairs became real-life ones. Of course I confronted him from the beginning and he said he'd stop, but never did.

I stayed in the marriage because I thought I should fix things instead of quitting, although quitting seemed like a much easier option than staying and pretending nothing happened. So I stayed, and thought if I forgive, forget, and carry on with a positive attitude then I will be able to reflect that positivity onto him and give him the chance to save this marriage with me.

Two years into the marriage, we barely had a physical relationship but we managed to get pregnant at the end of 2007, and conceiving my daughter was the last ever physical relationship we ever had until this moment. I still insisted on staying in hopes it would get better, but all my efforts where useless.

Its been 6 years since we last kissed or engaged in any physical act. And until January of this year, I had never even thought of cheating on him, until I had met the most loving man. And when I say "met" I mean seen a person whom I've known for 12 years in a totally different perspective, I fell in love with my boss, who is divorced with 2 kids.

Since January I have been over the moon, I never knew a person can be loved this way, or even looked at this way. I regained my chattered confidence, and felt like a woman who deserved good things in life, and not just an ugly person who deserved to be cheated on.

My dilemma is, that although I have been to hell and back with my husband, and although I have this amazing man by my side who loves me, I am still hesitant about divorcing my husband -whom I've been trying to discuss divorce with for almost 2 years now but refuses to discuss it back- and this is very confusing to me. I am not sure why I feel this way, and I think I have so much guilt inside of me for having this affair, but I have been absolutely miserable tha past few years and raising my daughter practically alone...

Any kind of advice will do... if anything is unclear please ask me questions... I need to talk about this and try to figure my life out

Do whatever makes you happy really. I actually have a lot of respect for you for staying with him that long and trying to work things out.

If he won't appreciate you, clearly someone else can. Do what's best for you and your daughter.

Why do you need to discuss divorce? That is rarely the way it works. What country are you in that would make divorce difficult?
The first thing you need to do is talk to a lawyer, AND to make sure you have money that he cannot touch, even if you have to stash cash around the house. This is the cold hard reality when a spouse is going to fight. He has his cake and all his cupcakes too, and is unbelievably selfish. How dare you upset his harem? You should be angry. 6 years without any tenderness is enough time to think about this, and please don't feel guilty.

Quote:

Originally Posted by joypulv

Why do you need to discuss divorce? That is rarely the way it works. What country are you in that would make divorce difficult?
The first thing you need to do is talk to a lawyer, AND to make sure you have money that he cannot touch, even if you have to stash cash around the house. This is the cold hard reality when a spouse is going to fight. He has his cake and all his cupcakes too, and is unbelievably selfish. How dare you upset his harem? You should be angry. 6 years without any tenderness is enough time to think about this, and please don't feel guilty.

I am actually an Arab muslim, and although we have modern laws that give me the right for divorce, they strip me of all my financial rights. I can also still have a mutually agreed upon divorce where we both agree on the terms.

Eventually, obtaining a divorce isn't a problem. The difficulty I'm facing right now is why am I having such difficulty in facing a divorce. A part of me is afraid of getting one, but another part is excited to live a fresh new life, even if my current affair doesn't work out, it has given me the feeling that I can be loved and I can be happy again.

Maybe I'm assuming that when a person wants a divorce they should not have one ounce of doubt? Or is it normal to want a divorce but still be confused about it?

Quote:

Originally Posted by confused2013

Do whatever makes you happy really. I actually have a lot of respect for you for staying with him that long and trying to work things out.

If he won't appreciate you, clearly someone else can. Do what's best for you and your daughter.

Thank you :)

Of course you are confused, and yes it's normal, unless he's beating you or worse - and you share a child.
Of course it's normal to feel that you 'should have known' or are somehow a failure, or there is something wrong with your ability to be an attractive woman as well as wife and mother, or even as a Muslim you should just accept the way he is, but his infidelity was there all along, and I think a modern Muslim woman shouldn't have to go through this. None of it is your doing.
It doesn't sound like he is going to agree to mutual terms, or will he for your daughter?
Start hiding all the money you can, but do it quickly, because he will figure it out quickly too.
Get help with all this - family, friends, and a lawyer.

Thank you joypulv you make a lot of sense!

I think he will somehow try to reach an agreement with me. He is all about image, he won't risk me saying anything about his habits to anyone, it will just crush him. And by law, my daughter stays under my custody until she is 14 when she gets to choose with whom she wants to live, so there's nothing he can do about that. Although if I ever decide to remarry after the divorce he gets to have her! We do have some insane laws. Usually when both parties agree on something, they can also agree on these side issues like what happens in second marriages and stuff like that.

Luckily I never mixed my money with his, we don't have joint accounts or even joint property, so that's one out of the way.

That is certainly interesting about your divorce laws. Usually in the US, lawyers argue all of it, including custody, at great expense, and a judge makes the final decision (unless husband and wife can agree during negotiations). It sounds like there are pros and cons to both cultures.
I had a 'no-fault' divorce that took 5 minutes in front of a judge, with no lawyers. The judge just asked me if I was really in agreement, and not being coerced. We had no children.

Ok, I am sure having an affair is not within your religion either,?

So please, don't start talking religion, about a divorce, when that religion has little to do with the way you live you life.

You get a divorce according to the laws of the nation that you live (normally) and few nations have muslim or religious divorce but they are civil based on national (or state in US) laws

I took her mention of being a Muslim as being pertinent only in that it defines a lot of life in the Muslim world.

Online affairs. Kind of an oxymoron. Online meaning there is not physical contact and affairs meaning a clandestine physical relationship. So that knocks the crap out of that excuse.
They turned into real life affairs and you basically condoned them by staying with him(that is how a court of law terms it.. condoning the affair), another argument down the toilet,'
You then allow yourself to get pregnant by this guy.

OK, I finished reading the entire post and can only say this. YOU cheated on your husband. At this point it does not matter what ever happened in the past because, I believe in your culture, you are the one at fault for EVERYTHING being bad. It would not matter if he had 15 women living with you and he was doing all of them all of the time right in front of your kids, sisters,grandmother, what ever. YOU CHEATED ON HIM. Makes you no better than he is.

Next question.

Gee Judge Handyman, didn't you just bang the gavel on this one.

You betcha!~

Quote:

Originally Posted by Handyman2007

You betcha!~

?

I'm wondering why he married you in the first place. I doubt marriage meant the same to you, as it did to him.

As you said, his online affairs, ended in real affairs. How he met women doesn't matter, the fact that he did, says it all. Especially while living in another country- hardly a way to face any problems he has at home if he can do whatever he wants somewhere else.

Under the circumstances, I think it was bound to happen that you would find someone else. That your boyfriend is divorced, makes this a little easier, because you are not involved with someone who is married, with a divorce to face himself.

My advice to you is to make a clean break. Your marriage in my opinion, is far beyond repair. While you took him back in good faith that he would be the man you thought he was, meaning a good husband and father, that did not happen.

For anyone to survive living in different countries for such a long period, is next to impossible. Long distance relationships seldom work, let alone long distance marriages.

But be careful. Be careful that you are not falling for someone you are blind to. While he may treat you well, and make you feel good about yourself and your future, take time to regain your footing, and your independence, by being on your own for a while.

I think it is too early as well, to introduce a man into your life to such a degree, particularly because you have children.

Get your freedom first.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Handyman2007

You betcha!~

Rude and heartless, Handyman!

To the OP, perhaps it's time to throw in the towel. You two are obviously not a good fit for each other.

Think about your child before introducing another man in her life.

I'm sorry that it had to come to this.

Best of luck.

It doesn't sound like you have any marriage to save. Send him divorce papers and get on with your life. Staying together for whatever reasons is just holding you back. You need to move on with your life. I ''stayed together for the sake of the kids'' for 7 years, it was totally pointless.

This is a 43 day old thread and I don't think the poster is even around.