Hi, hope I can get some good advice from you guys!

My daughter who is 30, separated from her husband of less than two years, last May. After a few weeks her best friend suggested she go on an online dating site. She met a guy of the same age and seemed to hit it off. They had a few dates and became very close, quite quickly. They booked a holiday and went away for a week.

Whilst they were away, his ex girlfriends mother was sending him text messages about her daughter (not sure what these said) My daughter said to him that if he would rather be with her then that's fine and she would leave them to it when they got back. He said he didn't want to be with her and wanted my daughter. He had too much to drink one night and began pushing her around and raising his voice, almost shouting ( apparently he gets like this when he's had a drink).

They got back home and my daughter eventually moved in with him but still had her own place just in case. After a while my daughter suspected that he was seeing his ex behind her back - she was right, he had met her on several occasions for sex! This guy had on several occasions after drinking been violent towards her, not bad, but pushing her, kicking her leg and calling her nasty names. He has also taken cocaine in front of her which is something she would never do herself.

Once she had the proof she needed about his cheating and she got this from his ex she left him and moved 100 miles back to me and her family. She was in a state as she really loved him but knew she had done the right thing. She managed to get herself together got herself a good job and things settled down, she dated a couple of guys but he was always in the back ground. Now she is seeing him again going to stay at weekends, he just kept bombarding her with text messages until she finally agreed to see him.

I'm not happy about it and neither is her family and I'm extremely worried about her as I cannot see a future for her with this guy! He was going to move down here but says he cannot get a transfer with his job! She now has a decision to make whether to give up all she has here, her job and her family and move back to be with him or walk away and build a new life with what she has now which is security and love.

She cannot make her mind up so obviously has doubts about as much as anything. She says she has never had the feelings for someone like she does for him and is afraid she would never have these feelings for anyone else and is scared to let go.

What should she do?

Sadly... you are asking for good advice for her but what can we really do? You already know the best advice and so does she... the question is, will she follow it? I don't think she will.

She should stay where she is and cut off all contact with this sack of crap. He is a cheater and an abuser and if she moves to be with him, she will live through all of that all over again. He will start cheating again. He will push her around and then when that's not enough, he will cross the line and start hitting her. This guy is no good. You know it. Deep down she knows it.

I am sorry but unfortunately, there really is nothing you can do. At 30, she is an adult and as such, she will make the decisions that she wants to make... right or wrong. In this case, I feel that if she has been talking to him again, going to see him, and now considering moving to be with him... you should prepare yourself for the likelihood of her moving.

I wish you luck.

What concerns me is that you are deeply involved in every detail of a 30 year old child's personal life. There might be a mother-daughter dynamic here that isn't good for either one of you. She isn't face down in a ditch, she isn't in jail, she isn't on drugs or selling herself on the street. You are asking total strangers what SHE should do, which is her job. If she wants to come here she can. I hope that doesn't sound mean.
Her marriage lasted less than 2 years. I imagine that there might have been boyfriends before that. This man has been in her life about a year. They went on a holiday after meeting online and having a few dates! This is a woman who needs counseling. Perhaps she has an unrealistic expectation of the post-romance stage (that's just a wild guess, because of such quick involvement and equally quick breakups).
Perhaps you could offer to pay for it.

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Originally Posted by odinn7

Sadly....you are asking for good advice for her but what can we really do? You already know the best advice and so does she...the question is, will she follow it? I don't think she will.

She should stay where she is and cut off all contact with this sack of crap. He is a cheater and an abuser and if she moves to be with him, she will live through all of that all over again. He will start cheating again. He will push her around and then when that's not enough, he will cross the line and start hitting her. This guy is no good. You know it. Deep down she knows it.

I am sorry but unfortunately, there really is nothing you can do. At 30, she is an adult and as such, she will make the decisions that she wants to make...right or wrong. In this case, I feel that if she has been talking to him again, going to see him, and now considering moving to be with him....you should prepare yourself for the likelihood of her moving.

I wish you luck.

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We as her family think she should cut all contact as we are fearful for all the thing you have said that he might do. Its hard to say nothing and I worry all the time she is with him although she does keep in contact with me by text to keep my mind at rest. I know there is nothing I can do as she is old enough to do as she likes. When she left him and moved back to her family people went to a great deal of trouble to help her and now it feels like a smack in the face that she has gone back to seeing him again. Thank you for your comments.

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Originally Posted by joypulv

What concerns me is that you are deeply involved in every detail of a 30 year old child's personal life. There might be a mother-daughter dynamic here that isn't good for either one of you. She isn't face down in a ditch, she isn't in jail, she isn't on drugs or selling herself on the street. You are asking total strangers what SHE should do, which is her job. If she wants to come here she can. I hope that doesn't sound mean.
Her marriage lasted less than 2 years. I imagine that there might have been boyfriends before that. This man has been in her life about a year. They went on a holiday after meeting online and having a few dates! This is a woman who needs counseling. Perhaps she has an unrealistic expectation of the post-romance stage (that's just a wild guess, because of such quick involvement and equally quick breakups).
Perhaps you could offer to pay for it.

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We have always been close and her sister likewise more like sisters than mother and daughter.She lives with me, we share a bed as I live in a one bed house so I'm going to know pretty much everything. No she isn't in a ditch or jail but how long before she might be, that's the worrying thing. When she moved back with me lat November, she was very down and she said she could have easily just driven her car into the nearest tree - I don't want her to have to go through that again! I am asking total strangers as its good to get opinions of people who are not involved! The reason they got together so quickly was because they really hit it off, laughing and joking and the attraction of him to her was over whelming, she has never ever had feelings like this for anyone else. I think she needs counseling too, but I am divorced from her dad and struggle to make ends meet as it is so no spare money to pay for this. Thank you for your reply

Just be there as a mom and comfort her when she makes a mistake. That's about all you can do with a child that doesn't listen to you and is grown.

I don't pretend to have the answers. You can't possibly know if running home to you is good or bad in the long run. Do what you think is best.

Defending a week long vacation with a man she didn't know well has me concerned though. 'They really hit it off' has nothing to do with anything serious and adult. He could have been a serial killer after a brief, glorious infatuation. She's impulsive and you excuse it! Time for both mom and daughter to spend some time talking about the importance of a sense of self sufficiency, being able to live alone at times, without a man to fill some void.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Just be there as a mom and comfort her when she makes a mistake. That's about all you can do with a child that doesn't listen to you and is grown.

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Thank you, I will take your advice. I know she has to make her own mistakes, its just very hard on all the family that's all

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Originally Posted by joypulv

I don't pretend to have the answers. You can't possibly know if running home to you is good or bad in the long run. Do what you think is best.

Defending a week long vacation with a man she didn't know well has me concerned though. 'They really hit it off' has nothing to do with anything serious and adult. He could have been a serial killer after a brief, glorious infatuation. She's impulsive and you excuse it! Time for both mom and daughter to spend some time talking about the importance of a sense of self sufficiency, being able to live alone at times, without a man to fill some void.

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I totally agree with you and I'm not excusing her being impulsive I was saying how it was. I can talk to her endlessly but she is so 'wrapped' up with this guy, she is the one making excuses for his behaviour. Its so wrong and she cannot see it!

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Just be there as a mom and comfort her when she makes a mistake. That's about all you can do with a child that doesn't listen to you and is grown.

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I am doing this, just hope she comes to her senses soon. He's very controlling and I hate to see him giving her grief because of her past life, he is so jealous!

She will be okay mom she has you for whatever she goes through, now relax and focus on YOU.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

She will be okay mom she has you for whatever she goes thru, now relax and focus on YOU.

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Thank you, she does have me and I do need focus on me for a change

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Originally Posted by talaniman

She will be okay mom she has you for whatever she goes thru, now relax and focus on YOU.

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I hope so but as a mum you can't help but worry sometimes. I need a break from all this

I would lead by example. You have a relationship you also can't let go, the young man you've been having an online "friendship" with for 4 years. You won't let him go, even now that he has a girlfriend, and now your daughter is doing the same.

I understand you're worried about your daughter, and from what you wrote about this guy, you have reason to worry. But, she, like you, is an adult. Just like you, she has to make mistakes, and hopefully learn from them. You can't make her do the right thing anymore than we could make you understand how your online relationship wasn't healthy.

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Originally Posted by talaniman;
She will be okay mom she has you for whatever she goes through, now relax and focus on YOU.

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I hope so. I do need to relax its so stressful worrying about her :(

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Originally Posted by Alty

I would lead by example. You have a relationship you also can't let go, the young man you've been having an online "friendship" with for 4 years. You won't let him go, even now that he has a girlfriend, and now your daughter is doing the same.

I understand you're worried about your daughter, and from what you wrote about this guy, you have reason to worry. But, she, like you, is an adult. Just like you, she has to make mistakes, and hopefully learn from them. You can't make her do the right thing anymore than we could make you understand how your online relationship wasn't healthy.

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I think my situation is slightly different though as there is no violence or drugs etc.I don't think its my place to let him go, I was friends with him long before he had a girlfriend and was happy to be friend but not put up with all the sex chat he seems to enjoy so much as well as non sex chat.Strange thing about that is though he had 'disappeared' for 10 months and then starts it all up again!

I know I have to let her make her own mistakes maybe I need to try a little reverse psychology and encourage it rather than be dead against it, that idea came from her sister?

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Originally Posted by Val_54

I think my situation is slightly different though as there is no violence or drugs etc.I don't think its my place to let him go, I was friends with him long before he had a girlfriend and was happy to be friend but not put up with all the sex chat he seems to enjoy so much as well as non sex chat.Strange thing about that is though he had 'disappeared' for 10 months and then starts it all up again!

I know I have to let her make her own mistakes maybe I need to try a little reverse psychology and encourage it rather than be dead against it, that idea came from her sister?

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Reverse psychology can work, but your daughter isn't a child, or a teenager, she's an adult. That tact would work better if she weren't 30. That's my opinion.

I think you have to let her make this decision on her own. I would tell her how you feel, calmly and rationally. Don't attack him, or attack her choices, just tell her your concerns. If she still decides to continue a relationship with him, then she'll have to learn the hard way. If that happens, be there when she needs you, but let her sink or swim on her own. She may need to sink before she realizes he's not the ideal mate.

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Originally Posted by Alty

Reverse psychology can work, but your daughter isn't a child, or a teenager, she's an adult. That tact would work better if she weren't 30. That's my opinion.

I think you have to let her make this decision on her own. I would tell her how you feel, calmly and rationally. Don't attack him, or attack her choices, just tell her your concerns. If she still decides to continue a relationship with him, then she'll have to learn the hard way. If that happens, be there when she needs you, but let her sink or swim on her own. She may need to sink before she realizes he's not the ideal mate.

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I agree with you and I am trying really hard. We have talked some more and I think she will go back to him and will be sadly giving up a really good job to do so. It just concerns me that if it all goes wrong again she will be back with me again. I would never turn my back on her but I have a life too and my house isn't that big. I think she will have to learn the hard way, she's already admitted that. Thank you for your comments

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Originally Posted by Val_54

I agree with you and I am trying really hard. We have talked some more and I think she will go back to him and will be sadly giving up a really good job to do so. It just concerns me that if it all goes wrong again she will be back with me again. I would never turn my back on her but I have a life too and my house isn't that big. I think she will have to learn the hard way, she's already admitted that. Thank you for your comments

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You're welcome.

I truly do understand. I'm a mom too, my youngest (a daughter) is only 10, so I have a ways to go before I have to deal with unsuitable boys coming into her life. I know it's going to be hard for me to let her make her own mistakes, mainly because I made all those mistakes, and I'd rather she didn't have to learn the hard way.

Sadly, I also know that some things can't be learned by talking to someone older and wiser. Some things have to be learned the hard way. All we can do as parents is talk to our kids, tell them our concerns, and then be there for them when the fit hits the shan, which it inevitably will. :(

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Originally Posted by Alty

You're welcome.

I truly do understand. I'm a mom too, my youngest (a daughter) is only 10, so I have a ways to go before I have to deal with unsuitable boys coming into her life. I know it's going to be hard for me to let her make her own mistakes, mainly because I made all those mistakes, and I'd rather she didn't have to learn the hard way.

Sadly, I also know that some things can't be learned by talking to someone older and wiser. Some things have to be learned the hard way. All we can do as parents is talk to our kids, tell them our concerns, and then be there for them when the fit hits the shan, which it inevitably will. :(

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Yes, you're right, she hasn't made the decision to move back with him yet by think she will unless he messes up again. If she does she will be giving up a very good job which are not easy to come by in the UK but she does have the sense to get another job before she moves. Her present company will miss her as she's doing a very good job :-( I think the only way is the hard way my parents always protected me so never learnt anything till much later in life & that's even harder to deal with sometimes.

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Originally Posted by Val_54

Yes, you're right, she hasn't made the decision to move back with him yet by think she will unless he messes up again. If she does she will be giving up a very good job which are not easy to come by in the UK but she does have the sense to get another job before she moves. Her present company will miss her as she's doing a very good job :-( I think the only way is the hard way my parents always protected me so never learnt anything till much later in life & that's even harder to deal with sometimes.

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You're very right. I think that's why we humans usually do end up learning things the hard way. That's the only true way to learn. Just being told "no", doesn't always work, since you didn't actually learn it for yourself. I do believe that the kids that weren't allowed to experience some hard things in their youth, will have a hard time when they're grown up.

Of course there are some things that no one should have to learn the hard way.

" This guy had on several occasions after drinking been violent towards her, not bad, but pushing her, kicking her leg and calling her nasty names. "

Pushing and kicking- not bad!?
Or is that OK behavior on cocaine or something?
Don't give her advice- you don't know how.