Ask Me Help Desk - Confused

So my boyfriend and I have been together for a year and 2 months and about 3-4 months ago I found out he was texting a girl behind my back that he use to date. I found out when we were just hanging out and his phone went off. He was busy doing something so I told him I would check for him (normal thing we do when the other is too busy). I opened the text and was confused because it was an unsaved number and because the girl that texted him was an ex that he said he had cut off since she was bothering him and complicating our relationship.

Something didn't seem right so I asked him why she would text him and he said he didn't know why. After awhile of me bothering him because my gut told me it was something else he admitted that he texted her when we broke up for a day (something stupid). He said he had been texting her behind my back for a few months but it was nothing serious. He said he wanted to clear things up with her because he said he felt that since he ended things with her in a rude way that he was getting karma and it was causing fights in our relationship. I lost all the trust I had in him. I never thought he was capable of doing something like that behind my back and lie for so many months.

Am I overreacting? I'm so insecure now I feel like he may be texting or calling her behind my back. What should I do? What would you do?

You are overreacting. He trusted you enough to let him answer his phone. You had broken up for a day. Now he wants to clear the air with her. If you don't believe that, then break up now. Otherwise you are stewing in your own poison.
Talk with him! Be open and honest. Ask him if he can clear the air with her by a certain day, like a week from now. Otherwise you feel that you need to leave. But if you say it, mean it. Don't perpetuate a long drawn out series of threats. And if you can't believe it's over when he says it is, and resort to actual snooping, then it's doomed and you might as well break up.

I won't say you were over-reacting because he wasn't being entirely honest when you first discovered he was in touch with his ex. However, it doesn't sound like he was actively trying to hide it either if you were in the habit of checking each others phones when the other person is too busy. If it was more than trying to make peace with the past, then it was a time-bomb waiting to go off.

I will say that since you found out months ago, you need to either accept his excuse and work on rebuilding the trust or decide you don't trust him and let him go.

If you stay together, sit down and have a talk about boundaries in a relationship. Together set ones that work for both of you and move forward from this.

Makes no sense to carry this poison of mistrust around for many months on end as it just feeds itself and grows. One incident has grown and you make no mention of repeated incidents. Unless there is something else going on to help feed this thing even more its best to let go by changing your focus when it creeps into your thinking.

Or maybe look within yourself and deal with the real reason you are afraid to trust your own boyfriend again.

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my gut told me it was something else he admitted that he texted her when we broke up for a day (something stupid). He said he had been texting her behind my back for a few months but it was nothing serious.

I feel this is still a fresh wound because of how it came to light. Had he come clean and not carried it on for so long you probably wouldn't be feeding it more, so NO you didn't over react, he made a mistake, NOT you. Yet you keep reliving it and wonder what else he hasn't told you, and that's normal. You haven't accepted his explanation, and its on you to move beyond his mistake.

Maybe you need more time to heal, or more help to heal, I don't know, so is he helping or have you buried this fear and anger within yourself and chosen not to talk about your fears with him? Or don't know HOW?

Maybe he doesn't even know he needs you to reassure him in both words and actions so is he doing that? It was his mistake so don't make it yours.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Makes no sense to carry this poison of mistrust around for many months on end as it just feeds itself and grows. One incident has grown and you make no mention of repeated incidents. Unless there is something else going on to help feed this thing even more its best to let go by changing your focus when it creeps into your thinking.

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Or maybe look within yourself and deal with the real reason you are afraid to trust your own boyfriend again.

I feel this is still a fresh wound because of how it came to light. Had he come clean and not carried it on for so long you probably wouldn't be feeding it more, so NO you didn't over react, he made a mistake, NOT you. Yet you keep reliving it and wonder what else he hasn't told you, and that's normal. You haven't accepted his explanation, and its on you to move beyond his mistake.

Maybe you need more time to heal, or more help to heal, I don't know, so is he helping or have you buried this fear and anger within yourself and chosen not to talk about your fears with him? Or don't know HOW?

Maybe he doesn't even know he needs you to reassure him in both words and actions so is he doing that? It was his mistake so don't make it yours.

I found out about another one of his ex's he tried to reach out to but he had her wrong number. This is too much to handle

Please don't start new threads on the same subject.

I keep finding out about times that my boyfriend has reached out to his ex's. He never tells me. I always have to find out on my own. I don't understand why he does this? Why can't I be enough? He says he loves me so much and all the incidents are all from awhile ago, but how do I know he isn't still trying to contact them or talking to them? He always says he is sorry and that he won't do it again, but it's like a circle. Things happen over and over, same thing different girl.

His words and actions don't seem to match do they? But your words, and actions don't either. You keep accepting the same "I am sorry but won't do it again" crap over and over.

Break the cycle by not accepting his words. If you don't know what to think, why keep accepting his behavior?