I met this man we were only intimate 1 time ,6 month later he asked me to marry him ,I agreed after he promised we would be intimate on our wedding night ,its now 5 years later and we still have not had sex , I cook ,clean ,take care of everything .I have tried in the past he said he lost all interest in sex ,I have tried introducing a vibrator so all he had to do was hold it ,he said it wasn't for him , I have jumped in showers with him.. but yet nothing... we sleep in the same bed every night ,he has no health issues ,he took viagra once but neglected to tell me . He said he had no affect . And the other 3 sat in the same bottle for 5 years.. when I try to talk to him about it he won't offer a solution , he sits there all quiet , I give up .I don't know what to do any more .am I wrong to want intimacy in my life ,I brought this up to him before we got married he said and promised it would change and begged me to not call off the wedding .

In some countries... you could file for and get an annulment based on the fact the marriage was never consummated...

Personally from what you have said... his was dishonest with you. You asked and had every reason to believe he would... or COULD perform.

That's far different than developing medical conditions that would cause that after the marriage.

Five years and counting- and no intimacy.

He must have seen a Doctor to get Viagra, so he was not shy to talk about the problem. I assume the Doctor did not order any tests?

What would he say if you insisted he contact the Doctor- to start to get to the bottom of this.

True , He can just choses not to, and for 5 yeears the most I get is a kiss on the top of my head good night.. I just don't know what to do... 2 years ago when I told him that this wasn't fair to me for him to think I was ready to give up sex completely.and how dare he think it was OK to assume I would , I am young and still attractive , I was 49 when I met him.. and I did without sex for 3 years before I met him because I was engaged to a man who had no sexual intimacy problems at all... I talk to him now and then , he always kids and says find a boy friend on the side lol.. But I don't know if that's in me to take that way out.. even though its apparent my husband is cheating me out of a happy life... what makes me stay?? Am I messed up in the head for staying?

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Originally Posted by smoothy

In some countries....you could file for and get an annulment based on the fact the marriage was never consumated....

Personally from what you have said...his was dishonest with you. You asked and had every reason to believe he would...or COULD perform.

Thats far different than developing medical conditions that would cause that after the marriage.

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Well he begged me not to call off the wedding.. and swore we would consummate the marriage.. it never happen . Nore will it ever.. its been 5 years.. I'm so torn inside over this , he works out of town and has a lot of male friends , and goes out to eat with them when ever he is away from home in other states.. he even last week met up with an old work friend for lunch , he took my son and his son with him.. when they got home his son said Dad was man crushing on some guy he saw... he was built like a brick sht house... so the boys have seen this and their opinion... our dad is gay... I never said anything to them.but they live with us and see what's going on they are not stupid they are 21 years old... bith of them

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Originally Posted by frostynflushy

Well he begged me not to call off the wedding.. and swore we would consumate the marriage .. it never happen . nore will it ever .. its been 5 years ..i'm so torn inside over this , he works out of town and has alot of male friends , and goes out to eat with them when ever he is away from home in other states .. he even last week met up with an old work friend for lunch , he took my son and his son with him..when they got home his son said Dad was man crushing on some guy he saw ...he was built like a brick sht house..... so the boys have seen this and their opinion... our dad is gay... i never said anything to them.but they live with us and see whats going on they are not stupid they are 21 years old...bith of them

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DO it now... divorce him, before you waste any more of your life. There are plenty of men out there who aren't like this... every day you waste is a day you will never get back.

He should have been honest... and while if its really a medical problem preventing it... he should have never lied about it to you. That is a huge issue. Sexual intimacy actually is something spouses have a right to expect... unless they both walked into this knowing it wasn't going to happen... and you didn't.

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Originally Posted by smoothy

DO it now....divorce him, before you waste any more of your life. There are plenty of men out there who aren't like this...every day you waste is a day you will never get back.

He should have been honest....and while if its really a medical problem preventing it...he should have never lied about it to you. That is a huge issue. Sexual intimacy actually is something spouses have a right to expect...unless they both walked into this knowing it wasn't going to happen....and you didn't.

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Well even if he did have a health problem! Just saying , wouldn't stop anyone from hugging or holding hands orr any form of intimacy at all... I suggested other forms of intimacy .like the vibrator , even 69 which he pointed out after we were married he hated .mind you .we are adults here I love oral giving a receiving.. nothing will work and I tried years ago everything under the sun... I didn't agree to give up sex when I said *I do*... I'm so pissed , hurt.. sadden by this whole thing my first marriage his 3rd... wish we could talk in chat im's text.. would be easier.. but its rules I know.. just tell me am I mentally warped for staying as long as I have already?your opinion

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Originally Posted by frostynflushy

Well even if he did have a health problem !! just saying , wouldnt stop anyone from hugging or holding hands orr any form of intimacy at all..... i suggested other forms of intimacy .like the vibrator , even 69 which he pointed out after we were married he hated .mind you .we are adults here i love oral giving a recieving.. nothing will work and i tried years ago everything under the sun...i didnt agree to give up sex when i said *I do* ....i'm so pissed , hurt ..sadden by this whole thing my first marriage his 3rd ... wish we could talk in chat im's text.. would be easier.. but its rules i know.. just tell me am i mentally warped for staying as long as i have already?your opinion

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You aren't mentally warped... you were just overly optimistic hoping that if you are just a little more patient he will change... well... its been 5 years and he hasn't... honestly I don't believe he ever will... and forever is a very, very long time.

It's a tough call, and particularly so, because this part of your marriage has been sadly lacking, for a very long time. It seems it isn't going to get better without some form of intervention.

Maybe it's time to push the envelope a bit. I don't advise you to throw in the towel and divorce him. The next man may be good in the sack, but can't hold a job, or has a history of women going back to the stone age.

Try to have a serious talk to him, not about what is lacking, but how things could be better. Give him some choices, and tell him you expect him to pick one. I hope he would go and at least talk to his Doctor as a start, and perhaps get a referral to counseling. The two of you could try couples counseling together as well.

The physical part, or lack of, on his part, has to be caused by something. Find the cause and you are on the way to a cure, which might just be the best thing you've ever done.

You have nothing to lose.

Well we did talk about counseling his opinion * I won't talk to a stranger about my life , I said well you never talk to me either , you have to know for 5 years its been him at his office desk at home playing his on line games World of warcraft and EVE... from the time he wakes up until the time he goes to bed he is in his office , since he does his work remotely from home , he spends all his time in his office , breakfast lunch and dinner is usually in his office because he is playing his games.. when he isn't playing his online games he is sitting in the livingroom eatting his dinner ,never sits at table with us his family... if I have to talk or say anything I have to go to his office.. which is hardly ever because he is playing his game and I don't want to interfere.. I have never been a demanding person ,I don't complain... well it took me 5 years just to talk or find someone to talk to about this .
But your right the next guy could be a dead beat.. I have thought about that too.. its like I am here to be *ling ling* the laundry lady.. or *FLO* the cook... or the gardener , hell I even take out the garbage... I do shopping everything by myself.. so to me I am a live in maid... So we will call his issue;s just being lazy... he don't do anything around here , I can barley get him to care for his dog... take him for walks never.. walks him in back yard .Its just that I feel he married me for a live in maid.. and don't realize I am a human being with feelings... but its wasting my breath .he has no interest in how I feel...

So you see the last 5 years has been a huge waste of time... and the future will just be more of the same... unless you are happy settling for that... the choice is obvious.

Yeah the next guy MIGHT be a deadbeat... but odds are he won't be... and besides... if you pay attention to all the signs... you will spot the deadbeat long before you get married. The signs are usually there to see.

Well we did talk about counseling his opinion * I won't talk to a stranger about my life , I said well you never talk to me either , you have to know for 5 years its been him at his office desk at home playing his on line games World of warcraft and EVE... from the time he wakes up until the time he goes to bed he is in his office , since he does his work remotely from home , he spends all his time in his office , breakfast lunch and dinner is usually in his office because he is playing his games.. when he isn't playing his online games he is sitting in the livingroom eatting his dinner ,never sits at table with us his family... if I have to talk or say anything I have to go to his office.. which is hardly ever because he is playing his game and I don't want to interfere.. I have never been a demanding person ,I don't complain... well it took me 5 years just to talk or find someone to talk to about this .
But your right the next guy could be a dead beat.. I have thought about that too.. its like I am here to be *ling ling* the laundry lady.. or *FLO* the cook... or the gardener , hell I even take out the garbage... I do shopping everything by myself.. so to me I am a live in maid... So we will call his issue;s just being lazy... he don't do anything around here , I can barley get him to care for his dog... take him for walks never.. walks him in back yard .Its just that I feel he married me for a live in maid.. and don't realize I am a human being with feelings... but its wasting my breath .he has no interest in how I feel...

What would he do without you?

Do you have an idea of where you would go -- or would he be the one to leave?

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

What would he do without you?

Do you have an idea of where you would go -- or would he be the one to leave?

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I have no idea ,where I would go. Or even who would leave ,I just ask myself every day is it me? I mean I am a very level headed person , I always do the right thing , I never hurt anyone ,not intentional anyway.. I don't lie cheat or steal.. I am a good person ,my mother in law loves me to death.. The thought of being without the family woulld hurt me as well as them I am sure .Everyone I have ever knew in my life thinks the world of me ,Not that I'm all that an a bag of chips lol.. but close.. we all have flaws.. we are all different .

I don't like to argue about anything.. can't stand confrontations , I feel out of place .I guess my name should be Mat.. (door mat) I am new to opening up and talking to an outsider about this whole thing.. I want to hear what others think I should do ,or could do .I have tried everything .when I try to talk to him , all he does is stare at me and says nothing , the stare makes me feel uncomfortable... the mere fact he won't say anything or offer solutions , makes me wonder why did I try to talk to begin with . That blank stare right at me.. I want to scream "man don't you hear what im trying to say ?" all I hear is crickets when I try to talk to him.. I even joke and say "listen dont you hear that?" .he says "what?" I say "crickets" .to lighten the load of communications..

I tell him we should talk to professionals he refuses to talk to strangers .let alone me.. All in All I have a good life other wise , I am thankful he isn't a drunk, a woman beater ,he is a good provider , Its just that one area ,no form of intimacy at all... a kiss on the top of my head every night when he goes to bed .like I'm one of the kids.. I don't understand. We all have needs I am a woman .

I don't have friends here when we moved left them back in New Jersey so 5 years since I have really talked to them.. even though I still send christmas presents cards.. they have their own things going on , divorce, marriage ,child born .no time.hey it happens. And me I am embarrassed to even let them know what's going on in my life . As far as the marriage .I just play it off yeah we are great everything is wonderful.. OK it's a lie , but I'm saving myself the embarrassing moments in front of lifelong friends..

Ok I didn't want to make a novel out of this message .sorry , but yet it feels good saying it out load to someone.. thanks for listening... and thanks for asking :)

Do you have money of your own? (Psssst, no, it's not you.)

What state do you live in now?

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Do you have money of your own? (Psssst, no, it's not you.)

What state do you live in now?

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Thanks for that.. NO actually I am not working at the moment.. We have lived in this state Florida for a few years , when we met I lived in New Jersey he lived in Staten Island , He asked my son and I to move in with him and his son.. So we did , which 6 months later moved us to Virginia (his job) So I got recertified for nursing there in Virginia ,was doing private duty nursing... Then 3 years later we moved here to Florida.which in return I would have to get certified in this state.. It get expensive moving state to state and recertifying over and over ,This is a bigger house 4 bedrooms... a lot of yard , so I barely have time for me.. But then depression set in when we moved here ,I had friends in Virginia to talk to spend time with ,so it made it easier to cope with .the lack of intimacy .it hurt but I kept myself busy ,Now here in Florida I don't know anyone , his relatives here never come around , which he said that if we moved here I would be swamped with relatives , wow that was a farse ,never see them only at 2 reunions so far and they live in same town.. go fiqure...
So here in Florida I know no one , I have no one to talk to.. or shop with ,its been a few years and I am sinking more and more into depression.. So I guess first thing I should do is find a job and prepare myself for what lies ahead.. It would have to be something other then nursing seeings I am not sure if I want to stay here or go back to New Jersey... so many things I think about during a day..