Ask Me Help Desk - My adult children do not visit.

My adult children do not visit and only one lives out of the state. My son has always been very close to me and now, he rarely calls, he works hard, I understand this, I'm only asking for 5 minutes of his time, just call, when I asked him why he don't he said it's just the way he is!! That cut me to my heart.

My youngest daughter stopped coming around with my granddaughter, I saw them only on holidays, so about 6 times a yr. For 2 1/2 years, they came out to visit me, 30 minutes away. They told me the reason they don't is that I live too far.

I am disabled, suffer from severe chronic pain, I'm limited as to how far I can drive, so I'm not able to drive out to see them. They had no problem for 2-1/2 years when they asked me to babysit. Now, I'm not worth the drive.

I've asked them what have I done wrong and they said you haven't done anything. Wrong. I never complain to them I never ask for any help, because I don't want to be a burden to them. This is very painful for me to handle. I call my youngest daughter and she does not take my call, and she does not call me back. This is very painful. My granddaughter is soon to be 5 years old and the last time she spent the night, she said, grandma, I know I will always be your special girl and I love you very much. Wow, that was sweet and it seemed she knew that something was going to happen. The day I mentioned that I only saw her 6 times in a year is when they told me that I just live too far away. I'm trying to deal with this pain, the emotional pain. I never thought I'd see the day that we wouldn't be a part of each other’s lives. What do I do from here?

Being a grand parent myself, I can sympathize greatly, but cannot agree. Sure would love the kids, and the grand kids to be closer and more available but also recognize they need their own space too as no telling what's going on in their lives. That may mean great amounts of time without you.

What worked for me was building a life that I enjoyed and not making the kids, and grands such a big part of my life because they had one of their own. Doesn't solve the problem of missing them, but does give something to ease the pain until I do.

If this were one child I'd say it's bad karma - or something. With 3 I'm not so sure.

Are they close to each other?

I find it difficult to believe (although I am not disbelieving you) that 3 independent children suddenly pretty much cut off contact. Are you positive that nothing happened? Of course, if you say, "What happened?" and they don't want to talk about it you are going to get no place.

All I can say is that you are not alone in the vast realm of parents of grown children, who get so wrapped up in their jobs and children that they forget their parents. You can join a senior center and talk about it, or even a therapy group. You can go online (here!) and help others. You can ask one of your children if you can move closer to them, even if it means selling your home and buying a condo.

There's also the matter of what you do talk about on the phone. I never had children, but I am in chronic pain, and I know all too well that NO ONE wants to hear about it past the first time. You need a friend who is also in pain. Surely you have friends in your town?
It's also important to never complain about them not seeing or talking to you enough. You have to remain cheerful and light. Complaining is a guarantee to drive them away.
Start a Facebook page if you haven't, and keep tabs on theirs, and write cute comments under the pictures. Send cards and inexpensive gifts, NOT over a few dollars or you will drive them further away with shame. Write letters of news around you.
So tell us... how do you spend your days? How can you make your life interesting to them?

I am a stepgrandmother. I say this only because they are not my blood BUT nothing touches me more than a card or a drawing from a 1, 2, 3, 4 or 5 year old. I get handprints in the mail. I get little scribbed something's. I respond with a cute card for no reason or an inexpensive book. A big hit with two of them is a "lipstick" kiss. I just write I love you and that's all.

I very often initiate the exchange.

Even if the children are "too busy" the grandchildren are not - and it's not about courting them or their attention or spending a ton of time with them.

My mother has a problem with her grandchildren. My siblings and I hear all about her aches and chronic pain (which she does experience). In the next breath she wants to know why the grandchildren don't visit, why she doesn't babysit. Why? Because after (and often during) the visit the entire conversation is about her pain. My siblings and I think our visits, the grandchildren's visits, are too hard on her health and so - no visits.

The last time my mother invited 6 of us for dinner all we heard about was how expensive and difficult the shopping, prep, serving, clean up were. Could we help? Of course not. Did we ever accept another invitation? No. "We" don't need the upset and "we" all left feeling guilty.

She does not know her stepgrandchildren. My siblings have tried to talk to her but get defense on her part and, "Well, how about your brother who ..." and so they've given up.

I'm not saying this is the case but it certainly could be possible.

They are getting all the freedom they want without me, any less and there would be no contact at all.. seeing them only on holidays is just not enough..
I do see my son at church.. but it's not a place to socialize, so I just ask if he could call me from time to time, just give me 5 minutes.. my oldest daughter
Lives in another state and has a controlling husband, she cannot make phone calls when he is around.. he chooses her friend and she has lost most of her high school friends, because of his contolling ways. He keeps her from not just me but the rest of the family.
My youngest daughter, it's just been the past 2 yrs, I was always there for her to watch my grand daughter, she just had a baby 8 weeks ago, I'm heart broken at the thought she won't know me.

I do need a life of my own, it's just difficult because of my health issue, I can't make plans and besides church, doctor appts and a trip to the grocery store.
I don't get out much, I have a neighbor that will get me out to go for a walk, he's great company. But this is the extent of it. I cannot travel. My life has really taken a turn. I'm thankful that this health issues did not happen when my children were young, because we did a lot together and they were the very best part of my adult life and if I had the chance to do it over again, I would.

I lost my mother when I was 25 yrs I am the age my mother was when I lost her, I wonder if my youngest daughter thinks this is going to happen to me, since my health issues were the same as my mothers.. maybe she keeps me at a distance to protect her self from the same loss.. just a thought...
I don't ever complain to them about what I'm dealing with.. I have other outlets for that.. like the pain clinic.. no one wants to hear about things like this cause it's boring, it's boring to me so I sure wouldn't put this on anyone else.. when someone asks, how I'm doing, I say fine.. there was a time that I was able to work and I stayed busy.. if I was home, my friends would worry something was wrong, now If I'm not home, they worry something is wrong..

Life without my grand children is painful.

I like Judy's idea about cards and letters. As the grandkids get older I think texting and Skype will certainly ad to your options. And why is church not a place to socialize? Hugs are welcomed there I think.

Why can't you sit with your son, and family?

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Being a grand parent myself, I can sympathize greatly, but cannot agree. Sure would love the kids, and the grand kids to be closer and more available but also recognize they need their own space too as no telling what's going on in their lives. That may mean great amounts of time without you.

What worked for me was building a life that I enjoyed and not making the kids, and grands such a big part of my life because they had one of their own. Doesn't solve the problem of missing them, but does give something to ease the pain until I do.

I give them so much space and more space and there would be no contact at all. I don't complain about this pain issue or my health, but it is the reason that I'm unable to really make some changes in my life, I'm limited to how long I can sit stand or walk or drive. I pay a heavy price when I go over the limit and some days, actually most days I'm unable to get out at all. Life has really changed for me, there was a time it would be hard to find me at home, but this is the cards I've been dealt and I need to figure out what I can do. I have a neighbor that will get me out to go for a walk.. on a good day, I do go to church, I do see my son there, but it's not a place to socialize, afterwards, yes, but he's busy visiting other people and that's good, because other then that he works hard, 24/7.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

I like Judy's idea about cards and letters. As the grandkids get older I think texting and Skype will certainly ad to your options. And why is church not a place to socialize? Hugs are welcomed there I think.

Why can't you sit with your son, and family?

We can socialize afterwards, I met, talking to my son afterwards is difficult, and I don't want to take up his time there, that's why I ask him, hey, give me a call, just give me 5 minutes of your time.. yes, of course hugs are welcomed, my church family means a lot to me.. but there comes a time, you want to see your kids and grand children. My grand daughter has sent me drawings, after I send her stickers and little things like that.. I could continue to do that. I do sit with my son, I sat with him and his wife when they were together, but I sometime felt I was sufficating them. I mainly ended up sitting with them because another member who has been like a 2nd mother to my son, invited me to sit with her, just so happen, she sits in the same row.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

I am a stepgrandmother. I say this only because they are not my blood BUT nothing touches me more than a card or a drawing from a 1, 2, 3, 4 or 5 year old. I get handprints in the mail. I get little scribbed somethings. I respond with a cute card for no reason or an inexpensive book. A big hit with two of them is a "lipstick" kiss. I just write I love you and that's all.

I very often initiate the exchange.

Even if the children are "too busy" the grandchildren are not - and it's not about courting them or their attention or spending a ton of time with them.

My mother has a problem with her grandchildren. My siblings and I hear all about her aches and chronic pain (which she does experience). In the next breath she wants to know why the grandchildren don't visit, why she doesn't babysit. Why? Because after (and often during) the visit the entire conversation is about her pain. My siblings and I think our visits, the grandchildren's visits, are too hard on her health and so - no visits.

The last time my mother invited 6 of us for dinner all we heard about was how expensive and difficult the shopping, prep, serving, clean up were. Could we help? Of course not. Did we ever accept another invitation? No. "We" don't need the upset and "we" all left feeling guilty.

She does not know her stepgrandchildren. My siblings have tried to talk to her but get defense on her part and, "Well, how about your brother who ..." and so they've given up.

I'm not saying this is the case but it certainly could be possible.

They are getting all the freedom they want without me, any less and there would be no contact at all.. seeing them only on holidays is just not enough..
I do see my son at church.. but it's not a place to socialize, so I just ask if he could call me from time to time, just give me 5 minutes.. my oldest daughter
Lives in another state and has a controlling husband, she cannot make phone calls when he is around.. he chooses her friend and she has lost most of her high school friends, because of his contolling ways. He keeps her from not just me but the rest of the family.
My youngest daughter, it's just been the past 2 yrs, I was always there for her to watch my grand daughter, she just had a baby 8 weeks ago, I'm heart broken at the thought she won't know me.

I do need a life of my own, it's just difficult because of my health issue, I can't make plans and besides church, doctor appts and a trip to the grocery store.
I don't get out much, I have a neighbor that will get me out to go for a walk, he's great company. But this is the extent of it. I cannot travel. My life has really taken a turn. I'm thankful that this health issues did not happen when my children were young, because we did a lot together and they were the very best part of my adult life and if I had the chance to do it over again, I would.

I lost my mother when I was 25 yrs I am the age my mother was when I lost her, I wonder if my youngest daughter thinks this is going to happen to me, since my health issues were the same as my mothers.. maybe she keeps me at a distance to protect her self from the same loss.. just a thought...
I don't ever complain to them about what I'm dealing with.. I have other outlets for that.. like the pain clinic.. no one wants to hear about things like this cause it's boring, it's boring to me so I sure wouldn't put this on anyone else.. when someone asks, how I'm doing, I say fine.. there was a time that I was able to work and I stayed busy.. if I was home, my friends would worry something was wrong, now If I'm not home, they worry something is wrong..

Life without my grand children is painful.

You don't need to keep repeating the same thing - we all read the same answers.

If you can't get out YOU can create cards, letters, messages on your computer and mail them.

And, please, when you see your son STOP asking him to call, STOP asking him for 5 minutes of his time, STOP being so needy - you are undoubtedly embarrassing him (to say the least). It's hard but let him come to you.

It's my first time to this website, I was unsure how to use this format..
So excuse me. I didn't say every time I see my son I ask him to call me..
This is the first time this has happpened, it's new to me... so as far as your
Comments, keep them to yourself.. if this is to help people.. you're a downer...

Sorry, but you did give the impression you were always asking them to visit call and bring the kids. I was thinking needy a bit myself. But I can also understand having family around who understands your needs in a medical senses. You are probably battling a helluva transition and it makes the absence of the loved ones especially trying.

How old are you if I may ask, and how long has your son been separated or divorced and are you close with his ex, and does he have custody? Just need some clarity.

"It's my first time to this website, I was unsure how to use this format.. so excuse me. I didn't say everytime I see my son I ask him to call me.. this is the first time this has happpened, it's new to me... so as far as your comments, keep them to your self.. if this is to help people.. your a downer..."

Well, now we know why your kids don't come around.

You obviously didn't read or didn't understand my very lengthy post about how I think you can handle the situation. All you read was my comment that it is not necessary to cut and paste the same response to answers from different people. This wasn't a "downer." This was an explanation of how the site works.

I took this to mean that you ask your son to call you and give you "5 minutes of his time" every time you see him in Church - "I do see my son at church.. but it's not a place to socialize, so I just ask if he could call me from time to time, just give me 5 minutes.."

I'm sorry I upset you by being such a "downer."

What advice would you prefer? That you are a faultless martyr and the children (children you raised, by the way) are neglectful and spiteful and mean?

Church is a place to socialize. I can't imagine what I would think if my mother sat somewhere else during the service. Why don't you invite them to go out to breakfast afterward? When I was little, my grandmother took us out to dinner every Friday night after our services. We all looked forward to it, not only to see each other, but because we could never afford to go out otherwise.

We can socialize, what I met by that is not during service, after service, my son
Takes a few minutes to talk to a couple people, and then he's out the door to work, he works 7 days a week days and evenings, he works a day job and then he has his own lawn and snow removal business, that he started at age 12... he has always been a very responsible young man..
The only time I could think of taking him out, is after Bible study on Wednesday evening.. because it would be too late for him to work.. He is a very caring and loving young man.. he is going through a separation and at this point he is putting in more hours then before, just to keep his mind off the pain.

It sounds like your kids are very busy and preoccupied and maybe need a lot of space while you are lonely. That's a hard thing to balance but it seems for a while you have to accept this and busy yourself with things that make you happy, at least until the dust settles on their own lives.

I think we all go through that at some point and have the daunting task of dealing with our situations in the best ways possible. Reality may be painful emotionally but still has to be dealt with. Especially if you cannot change it.

I agree with Tal. It's really sad. But the all the space and independent issues comes around. I think parents are the most valuable and important people and family comes first. I hope one day your children will realize.

My opinon? The son is simply overwhelmed. He's working 7 days a week and attending church and attending bible school and his marriage is coming apart? Yes, he should take time for his mother - but maybe right now he just needs time to be alone and sort out his life.

He sounds responsible - I'd cut him some slack.

I will refocus my thoughts on something else.Yes family is most important, we have always been very close. I have old letters from my daughters that I read and re-read, they talk about how thankful they are for the way they were raised and one said after seeing the dysfunction in her husbands family, she see's family is most important. And she see's the love our family has for each other. I know other people that are going through this struggle with their adult children, they seem to handle tough love better then I do and they have told me that I haven't done anything wrong, that they envied our relationship. The Bible says that one day, there will be fathers against sons, mothers against daughters etc.. Is it the sign of the times? Well, anyway.. I am proud of their success and that they are not dependent on me.. I've seen that in families and I wouldn't want to be in their shoes. I'll let this go and as far as my son... when I asked him for 5 minutes of his time, it was the first time.. I did not embarrass him, we have always been close, he was in constant communication when he was first going through the separation..
For him to say, this is just the way he is, is not true, it's not the way he is. Everyone that knows would tell you this.There are many different stages of feelings when going through a separation, sadness, hurt, anger, grieving. I'll always be here for him when he needs me.
Thank you all for your thoughts and suggestions. And no... I am not needy..............my children are the only family that I have, my parents passed away at a young age and I have no living relatives.. I have experienced being alone.
Having a family of my own was the best thing that ever happened to me... so of course I'm hurt by this distance, this issue with my son, is what really caused raw emotions, I've never seen this side of him.. we have always been very close. I'll be here for him when he's ready.

I am having to make adjustments myself in my relationships with my kids and grandkids and others as time goes by, and people and situations change. The challenge is both enormous and overwhelming at times.

I know nothing about end times, and prefer to just be grateful for this day, here and now. Truthfully, I have been blessed more than most if not as much as others and that attitude of gratitude for the good things past and present gets me through the day.

Stay positive and look forward to better, even if its not here yet.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jewels7

I will refocus my thoughts on something else.Yes family is most important, we have always been very close. I have old letters from my daughters that I read and re-read, they talk about how thankful they are for the way they were raised and one said after seeing the dysfunction in her husbands family, she see's family is most important. and she see's the love our family has for each other. I know other people that are going thru this struggle with their adult children, they seem to handle tough love better then I do and they have told me that I haven't done anything wrong, that they envied our relationship. The Bible says that one day, there will be fathers against sons, mothers against daughters etc.. is it the sign of the times? well, anyways.. I am proud of their success and that they are not dependent on me.. I've seen that in families and I wouldn't want to be in their shoes. I'll let this go and as far as my son... when I asked him for 5 minutes of his time, it was the first time..I did not embarass him, we have always been close, he was in constant communication when he was first going thru the separation..
For him to say, this is just the way he is, is not true, it's not the way he is. Everyone that knows would tell you this.There are many different stages of feelings when going thru a separation, sadness, hurt, anger, grieving. I'll always be here for him when he needs me.
thank you all for your thoughts and suggestions. And no... I am not needy..............my children are the only family that I have, my parents passed away at a young age and I have no living relatives.. I have experienced being alone.
Having a family of my own was the best thing that ever happened to me...so of course I'm hurt by this distance, this issue with my son, is what really caused raw emotions, I've never seen this side of him.. we have always been very close., I'll be here for him when he's ready.

To see the grand kids more often, have you thought of volunteering at their school? It's as simple as reading a book or helping by listening to children read. I know you have health issues, but it isn't physically demanding. You may need to be fingerprinted, TB tested, etc.