Ask Me Help Desk - My boyfriend watches porn (lied once about it)

Help me please!! I've been with him for 10 months and I caught him watching porn . He said before he did it to get aroused.. But still ! He is watching other girls that are naked ! I've watched porn before, yes . But not like him ! Ever ! He just recently lied about watching it and told me 2 weeks after he had done it . He has my laptop but deletes the history to make it 'run faster' and every time we Skype he's on the Internet and when he gets horny I automatically think PORN ! Or pictures of other women . He has some of me . But I still think he watches it!! Help me PLEASE!!

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Help me please!! I've been with him for 10 months and I caught him watching porn . He said before he did it to get aroused.. But still ! He is watching other girls that are naked ! I've watched porn before, yes . But not like him ! Ever ! He just recently lied about watching it and told me 2 weeks after he had done it . He has my laptop but deletes the history to make it 'run faster' and every time we Skype he's on the Internet and when he gets horny I automatically think PORN ! Or pictures of other women . He has some of me . But I still think he watches it!! Help me PLEASE!!

This is based on the assumption that you are both consenting adults.

This is probably not what you want to hear. I say that because you are obviously very emotional about this subject and him. Try to take a step back and calm down. It will help you think instead of react. Thinking can help you find solutions. Reacting can cause more issues.

As much as you may not like the thought, he has a right to choose what he watches, listens to or looks at. You may let him know how you feel, but you cannot tell him what he can or cannot view especially when he is not with you. You can discuss what you think and how you feel. You can attempt to come to a compromise. However, if you want him to listen to you, you have to listen to him.

What you do have control over is your laptop. If you do not want him looking at porn on it, either install and use a program to limit or block adult content (most are designed for parents) or take it back. You do not have to allow him to use your devices to do something you do not approve.

Understand, generally speaking, men are visual creatures and porn is a tool or another genre of entertainment. It can be used for a quick release of tension and stress. It is no different than watching a horror movie for a fright or a comedy for a laugh. It is akin to a woman reading a romance novel or getting caught up in a so-called "Chick Flick". The acts and naked bodies are there to spur imagination. It is fantasy and nothing else.

You need to decide if you can accept that he is and will continue to look at porn or if it is a big enough issue for you to walk away.

He should not have lied. Unfortunately it is understandable if you have been demanding (even if you have been nice about it) he stop. It becomes a defense mechanism to keep you happy and tensions down. Doesn't work very well. It only puts off the inevitable instead of taking care of the main problem.

As for Skype, this may be where a compromise comes in. Both of you agree to talk to each other and not look at other pages during your chat time. Even then you are probably going to worry that he is looking at other things.

Yes, it comes down to your insecurity and trust. You have to trust that he wants you or you will never feel secure. He could stop looking, but you would still be concerned he was thinking about other women. There is nothing he (or any other partner) can do to make you feel secure or convince you that he only wants you if you do not believe it inside your own mind and heart.

Of course he is going to lie, since you will not discuss it with him or allow him a option to watch it. Guess what, it is photos, it is not real other people, and it is not even about you.

You are a insecurity issue and need to deal with that. Perhaps not all, but many men look at porn some, esp if you are not living together, but even then many still do, just for excitement, perhaps to get easy sexual release.

NEWS FLASH... nobody appointed you Queen and lord of everything you survey.

He's got the right to watch it if he wants... and when he wants... he's also got the right to lie about it if it takes that to get you to shut up about it.

You have personal issues... and you really need to deal with them instead of blaming the poor guy for your shortcomings.

Cripes... why is he hanging around... I'd have walked out on you the first time you started ranting about it. Seriously... MOST women are able to grasp the difference of someone in a video from someone in real life. MOST women aren't threatened by the mere existence that other women are out there... which honestly you need to get over... there are roughly 7 BILLION people on earth... statistically just over 1/2 of them are female... that means over 3.5 BILLION women... many of them are legal age... a lot are even local... and the lions share don't have the issues you have... I expect him to go looking for one of them soon as soon as he gets fed up enough with your controlling behavior. I see that happening very soon. He has a very ample selection to choose from since most women aren't like you are with your personal insecurities.

Tell you what... give up watching ANY show with any attractive actors... any chick flick story lines... which means NO soap operas or anything romance related... and also give up reading anything geared for women... and give up any girl nights out... so he can keep close tabs on you... so you never get to do anything you might enjoy as well.

Yes I am sick and tired of people who refuse to deal with their own psychological problems and instead complain about how everyone around them won't do back-flips so they never have to face their problems. That applies equally to guys too... and anyone who thinks the world has to conform to their myopic viewpoints... not them conforming to what the world demands.

Let him get his own computer... in fact I encourage him to get himself one... and he needs to password protect it to keep you off it.

Simple concept here... YOUR rights end where someone else's begin... in fact your rights end where everyone else's begin.

SECOND NEWS FLASH - he has naked photos of her.

Did anyone ask for the ages?

If we had a dime for every thread like this one, we'd all be rich. Sadly, I see this thread going the direction of all the others before it. The OP likely won't understand that he has a right to watch porn, and that she has to choose to accept it, or find someone that can conform to her ideals.

Simply put, men are visual, women aren't. Watching porn for a guy is the same as you reading Fifty Shades of Grey, or any other romantic novel. It's entertainment. He's not watching porn because he wants to be with other women, he watches it because it's entertaining. Either accept it, or find someone else. You have no right to tell him to stop, or get mad at him because he won't.

That's not to say that you have to accept it, you don't. If you really can't stomach being with a man that watches porn, find a man that doesn't. You don't have to change any more than he does, but if you have to be with him, can't leave him, love him so much, then it's you that will have to change your point of view, not him, only because he has the right to watch what he wants as long as it's not illegal, but you don't have to right to demand that he stop.

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Originally Posted by Alty

If we had a dime for every thread like this one, we'd all be rich. Sadly, I see this thread going the direction of all the others before it. The OP likely won't understand that he has a right to watch porn, and that she has to choose to accept it, or find someone that can conform to her ideals.

Simply put, men are visual, women aren't. Watching porn for a guy is the same as you reading Fifty Shades of Grey, or any other romantic novel. It's entertainment. He's not watching porn because he wants to be with other women, he watches it because it's entertaining. Either accept it, or find someone else. You have no right to tell him to stop, or get mad at him because he won't.

That's not to say that you have to accept it, you don't. If you really can't stomach being with a man that watches porn, find a man that doesn't. You don't have to change any more than he does, but if you have to be with him, can't leave him, love him so much, then it's you that will have to change your point of view, not him, only because he has the right to watch what he wants as long as it's not illegal, but you don't have to right to demand that he stop.

If she goes out and actually finds a guy that doesn't like watching porn... she will likely be back not long after because he has zero sex drive and isn't happy about that at all.

But statistically... with nearly 3.5 billion males on the planet... there has to be a few of them that don't like seeing naked women... aren't gay... aren't pedophiles and still have a normal sex drive. And they might even be on the same continent.

Then she'd be happy.

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Originally Posted by smoothy

If she goes out and actually finds a guy that doesn't like watching porn....she will likely be back not long after because he has zero sex drive and isn't happy about that at all.

But statistically....with nearly 3.5 billion males on the planet....there has to be a few of them that don't like seeing naked women....aren't gay.....aren't pedophiles and still have a normal sex drive. And they might even be on the same continent.

Then she'd be happy.

I never said it would be easy to find a guy that doesn't watch porn, I just said that her options are to accept it, or find someone that doesn't like to watch porn. I admit that finding that man would not be easy, but that's her problem, not mine.

Frankly, it would be easier if she were to start dating women. There are a lot of women that are insecure just like her, there would be no problem finding another woman that doesn't like watching porn.