Ask Me Help Desk - Snide remarks

I really do not know what to do. My husband and I have been married for a 1 1/2 years and things have gotten crazy. He is terminal with cancer, emphysema and COPD. Because of that he is on disability which brings in very little income. I teach full time and pay all of the household bills. It got to the point that I had to ask him if I could get gas and he would constantly make me explain why I spent what I did. I went to him and explained that since I make most of the income, that I thought it would be best for him to pay his truck payment out of his disability and he could have the rest for mad money. He hit the roof and came to the conclusion that I was taking away his manhood. He left for a few days. He called and asked if I wanted to work this out, which I do. So he came home.

He had stated that he would go to therapy, but now that he is home, he will not do that. I am going and he is making fun of it. He makes snide remarks all of the time telling my grown children that he has to watch it or his life will get even worse, that they have no idea what he is going through. I try not to say anything about it but he sarcastically tells me how smart I am and how successful. I just completed my Master's degree and he refers to me a the "scholar" stating that he is just a ignorant fat guy.

The other day he went with me to a ballgame of my youngest daughter, I commented that a lot of the moms were there, because they normally are not there at practices. He stated "Oh, they were probably having to work during those times, but you know how that is huh?" I just do not know what to do. He tells me that he does not want to have drama about it, but he is creating drama with all of the comments. My daughter is miserable and I find myself going off in a room by myself so I do not have to listen to it. Any suggestions?

He is suffering, in mind and body, is all I can say. You probably don't know the depth of it and I don't think anyone could grasp it. Just think of it this way, as you say he is terminal with a lot of other miserable conditions, you won't have to put up with it very long so I guess you just have to suck it up and get on with it. From my experience with terminally ill people, they go through this particular phase your husband is going through, and when they accept it, they get in a better frame of mind because they finally realize they can fight it.

I am not even going to suggest a discussion with a member of the church, I mean for him, because at his stage he will not accept that contribution, he is not ready to think about that yet.

Bite your tongue and your thoughts about this, there is nothing very much anyone or you can do to make it better... yet.

You still have to face his palliative state where he will be in the hospital, or at home in a hospital bed waiting.

You aren't taking away his manhood, the disease it.

Suzanne, please accept my comments with the best of intentions; it is not meant to berrate you, or him, but you would not be on here asking if you were not at the end of your tether.

Thank you so much for answering so quickly. He has had the diagnosis for almost three years now. He will not let me go to the Dr. with him, so I am very unsure exactly what the prognosis is. I do know that he has lost about 30 pounds in 6 weeks. He constantly tells me that when it gets to the point that he is unable to take care f himself, and needs to be in a hospital bed, that he will not have people stare down at him and feel sorry for him. That he will tell us all he loves us, go for a drive, and take a handful of Xanex sitting out in the woods somewhere.I wish he would talk to someone, he just says that he is tired of talking.

Tickle said it very well. He's dying! He knows it. You are the closest person, so he takes it out on you. That is common. You knew all this when you married him? Give him as much leeway as you can tolerate without losing your own mind. Money, who cares. Little things, let them go. Of course the moms at the game made him realize that men don't go to day games. He doesn't sound so mean to me, all things considered. And if he does go off for that long drive - let him. It's his life. Let him die with dignity when and how he wants. (A handful of Xanex might not do it, and he might cling to life past the point of being able to drive, so his plan might not happen.) Have a talk with your daughter about staying out of his hair as much as she can.
It's OK to blow up at him once in a while, about a specific thing he says or does. He will probably respect you for it. Let him know that you are letting him get away with being impossible, but only up to a point. It's more real. He doesn't deserve suggestions and daily complaints, but he doesn't need tiptoeing either.
I went through this when I was young, except the guy didn't die, even though the doctor told me he would. When he got better, I broke up with him. I had to, because of almost 2 years of putting up with this sort of thing.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ConfusedSuzanne

Thank you so much for answering so quickly. He has had the diagnosis for almost three years now. He will not let me go to the Dr. with him, so I am very unsure exactly what the prognosis is. I do know that he has lost about 30 pounds in 6 weeks. He constantly tells me that when it gets to the point that he is unable to take care f himself, and needs to be in a hospital bed, that he will not have people stare down at him and feel sorry for him. That he will tell us all he loves us, go for a drive, and take a handful of Xanex sitting out in the woods somewhere.I wish he would talk to someone, he just says that he is tired of talking.

Let him think he can end it that way. He will not, he will want to be with all of you, will appreciate the care finally being given to him.

You had better get to the doctor, talk, maybe, and I abhor the suggestion, you get something for yourself to calm down (maybe your closest health food store rather then hard core synthetics).

I spend my nights with palliative end of life clients, it isn't easy, I care for them, clean them, reassure them.