Okay. So I have had a very troubling time with meeting 'good' men, so I recently decided to stop chasing men and wait until 'he' comes to me! So on Instagram, a friend of mine liked a picture and so curious me, investigated all the other people who liked it also. So as I went through, I saw someone I didn't know and when I saw the picture, I was like "oooh baby"! So I looked through his pictures, and liked 1, I believe. Anyway, he responded with a like- and for a while we played "insta-tag" before we met. That was about 12 weeks of that.

So one day, I guess he decided to post some merchandise he was selling, which I wanted-so I responded. We saw each other and for about a good 5 minutes, we were in la-la land. We talked on the phone several times, but because of how good our initial meeting was, I was scared to just fall head-over-heels for him. So I started you know, being childish, playing hard to get or some might say 'using wisdom'. Anyway, every time he asked to go out, I denied and for a while I didn't hear too much from him. (Honestly, I was trying to figure out my life before I allowed another person in it) but he didn't know that.

One night, I was feeling spontaneous! I decided to get a tattoo. A tattoo of "the love of my life" (I was turned up and miserable-out of my damn mind) or so I thought-I got his name tattooed on me twice, while on the phone with him! I know right, foolish. So when I came to, I just knew that whatever chance I had with him, I blew it. I was so wrong. Several days passed and V-day was on the way. Valentine 's Day is always horrible for me so, I'm kind of adjusted. 2 nights later, I get a call from him and it's so random that I'm fumbling my words and I'm shaving all frantically I don't know. All I know is that somehow, the month; the holiday weekend-this year, got to me and he was coming over w/o my permission. Now I know you're probably like "girl-how he just gonna come over your house like that?!" But I didn't have to let him in. so he comes, and he stands outside and waits for me "invite” him in. lls! Anyway, I invite him in and he sits on the far right end of the couch and he wouldn't even come close to me-which was something I've never experienced. And after I coaching him endlessly to come closer, we finally talked for 2 1/2 movies and we kissed. This kissed stopped time! It was...unaccepted and life changing. So needless to say, I'm a Virgo and he's Sag- we got it on for 3 long days.

Then he drops this bomb on me!! He tells me that he had to go to court and that he's probably gonna get sent to jail. So here I am, fulfilled to the fullest, and not just sex! Here's a man who helps me out in housework w/o being asked; assisted with my son and appreciated all the little things I did, including enjoy my food! Well I was devastated but I didn't want to give up so easily. So when he asked me to write him, I happily agreed! Look before you judge me- he stroked me so good-I forgot to eat for majority of those 3 days! And I'm a thick fluffy girl-I cook and bake so I love food! So I'm writing and visiting now, and after the first court date, things were going as well as they could. By the next court date, things took a turn and they've been in that place for a while. See, my friend, lacked to tell me that he had a "flock" of females chasing him. And although he's in jail, and he wasn't found doing anything, these women start coming to court hearings! And it pisses me off. So I approached him about it and he claims that it's nothing he can do and technically, he can't stop then from coming to hearings that the public can easily find out. But then, visitations start getting... weird. I wouldn't be able to see him twice a week like I normally could. It would be a visit scheduled like every other month, then week then every week.

Do lets fast forward to the present- these woman have gotten balls and approached me about him and challenged me! This was the last straw! I told him in letter form and verbally. I told him to burn all those loose ends and if he can't, he can't have me. Well that's been a month ago. And from what the visitation schedule shows, it looks like he's enjoying himself with visitors. He sent me 2 angry letters, that crushed my hopes of us then he calls me 6 times and then got sent to the hole. He recently sent me another letter, apologizing and I don't know. Somewhere deep inside, I can't let him go. I've called family members; put money on his commissary; sent him books; drew pictures and wrote endless letters. I've never dealt with anyone in jail before and it's not something I want to start practicing. What I'm trying to say is- this man came into my life, and made me and my son feel comfortable and whole again. He came with this unspoken possibility of a whole family package and I don't know we just mesh well. He talk about anything, he smelled my *** and didn't run for cover, he smelled my morning breath and kissed me anyhow... He made me feel like the locket woman in the woman-like I was a 20, a ten! I don't know- I'm in love with that man!

But these woman; this drama with jail and not knowing really if we're coming or going, just kills me! So here's your chance. What would you do?

I hear you and my mind is saying what you're saying and asking. Maybe you're right. Oh, he charges is something stupid. Having a gun w/o a permit/license illegally with ammunition. And escape from a halfway house... I know! Thus of some wild ! I didn't know none of this before he went to jail. He sugarcoated everything! Uuugghhh! I just wish! God! And to answer your questions- there mixed answers. The man I met was the man I wanted my son to be around and grow with. But this man in jail.. Naw I don't want this to be my son years from now. But that's the same for a cheaters, or liars ours anything-but the feeling between us was genuine. Not the sex part, the connection. Unfortunately his past caught with him, quicker than he thought..

Oh he'll be out by August.

I see some self-admittedly bad decisions here. Have you ever been in counseling?

The charges against him are not stupid. They are serious. Do you want your son even in the vicinity of a man who for some reason feels it necessary to carry a firearm PLUS ammunition and then, the topper, "excapes" from the halfway house?

And as far as women flocking around him in jail - I work in the legal system. The "women flocking around" is a game prisoners play. It passes the time, and they joke about "their" women all the time. Part of the game is who gets what from "their woman" or, very often, women.

You deserve better than this, even if you don't think ou do. I know that your son does. "Dangerous men" (and I believe he qualifies) can be quite attractice, the whole "bad boy" thing.

Run.

Now that the sugarcoating has been peeled away and you see a pile of crap, you better get away from it or get it allover you and your son.

Wonder what else he didn't tell you about? Like why was he in a half way house? Maybe because he was in jail before??

Come on don't be sprung by a smooth talking ex con. The tattoos are bad enough.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Now that the sugarcoating has been peeled away and you see a pile of crap, you better get away from it or get it allover you and your son.

Wonder what else he didn't tell you about? Like why was he in a half way house? Maybe because he was in jail before???

Come on don't be sprung by a smooth talking ex con. The tattoos are bad enough.

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I believe everything that's been said. I just have to work on my heart.what no one is trying to admit here, is how hard it is to push someone out your thought process and heart. And that's where I'm struggling. I know that he isn't right for me- but I wished he was. I wasn't him to be.

Actually we do know exactly what you are going through. No one said it will be easy. You just need a break, and some time.

>CYBER HUG<

Quote:

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Actually we do know exactly what you are going thru. No one said it will be easy. You just need a break, and some time.

>CYBER HUG<

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Thanks for the hug and the understanding...

Let me begin with saying I totally understand your dilemma. You're in love and have to make some hard decisions. I say that to say, I'm not at all judging you.

With that said...

Whatever you do, don't belittle your worth. You are the prize!

We (females) always seem to forget that. More importantly, you have an impressionable son. Is this the male figure / role model you want for him?

Ask yourself these questions along with, can you really trust this man with your heart?

It sounds like you are worse now than you were before you met him. You are still alone and to add salt to the wound, you're stressed / worried about other women and you're allowing him to be a financial burden.

God has a blessing for you but you have to make way for the blessing to become alive (to fruition). When one door closes another will open. Maybe not as fast as you would like, but it will happen.

Not everyone on AMHD believes in your religion or, for that matter, any religion. Please keep religion out of the boards other than the religion boards.

I mean no disrespect and obviously your belief in your God strengthens you - and that is a good thing. Not everyone has the same belief system, however, and this is an international site.

This man lied to you from the beginning because he did not tell you he might be going to jail and that he was in a halfway house. Then you have the drama with all these women. You also have a son you allowed this man to be around.
Stop sending him money, stop visiting and writing letters, leave this man alone. You cannot be so hard up that you would stay in such a relationship. It will take time but you will get over this.

I would personally be so angry with both him for lying to me and me for allowing him access to my child that suffering over the loss of this relationship would be the last thing on my mind.

Can you work up some anger to help you through?

Excuse me ms. judy- but this is my problem and my issue! I don't have a problem with religion being addressed on here. So I would prefer if you not make this an issue. If you don't like religious talks, then agree to disagree or comment elsewhere. Oan- I really appreciated the comment. My mother is a minister and it brings a lot home for me. Just like you said "i am in love" and I am worried & stressed out with the female drama and the financial burden! I didn't go really into detail but I've spent hundreds of dollars trying to make his stay, as comfortable as possible. I'm a lover at heart and since I'm a mom,I tend to have problems differing between motherly behaviors between men and my sons. So I understand completely. Thank you all for your insight.

To judy, I'm not angry at you.I just don't want this to become a angry blog type situation. This is my personal business that I've divulge with you all.only because I thought I'd get the most realest; un judgemental advice.so I don't want to filter anyone's thoughts because of anyone's personal preferences..

Always with the kindest intentions

-lunilu

Homegirl 50 & judykaytee, you are right! Judy-i need to muster up some anger towards him and homegirl- I'm not that hard up. I think I'm just ready to settle down. And I'm getting impatient. Like I want to be married now!! Maybe that's not the plan for many young black men, but that what I want! And I don't want a man to come in my life when everything is perfect, cause I won't trust it. I want to grow with someone-while I'm struggling. Not when I'm finished!

I'm aspiring to be aCSI

Ms Judy? "Excuse me ms. judy- but this is my problem and my issue! I don't have a problem with religion being addressed on here. So I would prefer if you not make this an issue. If you don't like religious talks, then agree to disagree or comment elsewhere."

Good that you think religion on other boards is good. Unfortunately, I'm not the first or the last to comment that it is not appropriate. Perhaps you don't understand AMHD policy. Not agreeing her does not give me the "right" to disagree on another thread.

I would suggest you read through AMHD policy.

If your mother is a minister I'm sure she is giving you religious guidance on this problem. I'm sure she has good insight concerning forgivenss, second chances and the like.

I don't know how you can argue in one post that your mother is a minister and this gives some sort of privilege and discuss on another your bad choices in life - ?

At any rate, yes, this is not a chat site so this discussion is done. I will see what the Mods say about religion on non-religious boards (including people knowing what God has in mind for other people). If I am incorrect about policy, I will come back and apologize both to you and the person who posted that sentence.

I'm aspiring to be a csi- crime scene investigator and when I get into my career, I'm not going to want to find him. I'm not. Cause I'm my mind, ink be done with the biggest obstacle and I don't believe anyone approaching me then would be genuine (even though no one is now... lls) I don't know... I'm impatient and I feel everyone deserves a second chance at righting wrongs. I mean, before I had children,I ran the streets,I was a fighter and just a mess of a person. Upon having my kids,I changed. Not instantly, but in time. And I thought, he needed the same. I remember when I was 21, my life was torn-up! But It looked like perfection from the outside. I was on drugs; my kids were in foster care and I was losing weight rapidly. But I had a great job;a apt in columbia heights, in dc and I was fly from the ground up! But I was miserable! I'd been arrested for so many petty things and I was just crying put for someone to love me... So I don't know, I just thought that he needed someone and maybe just maybe,I could be there for him when he had his break through. Maybe that's silly. But that's how I was raised- to help anyone & everyone. Out just went further because, I love him.

Wanting to grow with someone while you're struggling is way different from growing with a man in jail. Your sending him money and investing all this time reeks of desperation. I can understand your wanting to be married but this man is not marriage material and he is certainly not father material. Leave him alone.
When you are struggling, you are not thinking clearly and it is not the time to be looking for a partner. It makes you do desperate things, not make wise choices. When you are standing on your own and are sure of yourself and thinking clearly, not dealing with baggage, you are more able to build a relationship.

As far as Christian advice, this is not a Christian board and such advise should not be given here.

Giving someone a second chance is one thing, exposing your child to people you don't really know is quite another. This man lied to you and I have a feeling he is using you and the other women who visit him. Let this get you mad enough to leave him alone.

Judy Kay is a respected member here. She has no problem with religion. She is correct. This is not a Christian board and it should not be part of the advice given. I am a Christian and I respect the fact that not everyone is, so I give advice based on that. She was not disrespecting you and I ask that you do not disrespect her. Many of us automatically get questions that are posted in certain fields, it is what we do and I can assure you that we do not stalk questions. We take this very seriously.

Before you put any more time/money into your career I'd make certain your background doesn't preclude you from a license. Have you checked into licensing?

I have answered you with nothing but respect. I had hoped I would get the same in return.

Thanks for the advice, but I will continue to post whenever/wherever it suits me.

I believe JudyKay is an investigator so she knows of what she speaks.

Yes, HG, I am - and licensed. And it's tough. In my neck of the woods there are no "Crime Scene Investigator" degrees that lead to employment. Bachelors Degrees do. Same with paralegal degrees.

The profession is changing. Many of the "investigator" degrees are on line (to make it even worse). I always warn people of the scam. Don't spend your money and, more importantly, your time on a degree which is basically useless when it comes to employment (all education, of course, is valuable). Ask a PI, ask a Police Investigator, ask for a background check, see what the licensing requirements are.

I saw an ad yesterday about a law firm which hired a graduate from an on line CSI course. I know of no law firms that have their own "CSI" investigator. For starters the Police don't open up the crime scene, even to licensed investigators. And the State Police, etc. train their own. I got my start with the Feds.

Whoops - hijacked the thread!

But, yes, I know how the investigating business works. I have employees, I know what I look for when I hire. I know what law firms want/need/expect.

So it was just a very simple question - can someone taking the course actually be licensed?

And I am called in to cases by law firms when the custodial parent introduces unsavory people to her children. Women lose custody over these "charmers" all the time. All it takes is one complaint.

We cannot always say when, or how we meet the "one", but making some one the one because you want them to be is not a smart proposition in light of the facts. That decision blinded you to the facts even though I know waiting for love is as hard a it gets.

Sometime we have to accept when life says we are ready despite when we want it.