Ask Me Help Desk - Too Much Porn?

I've been in a "VERY" sexually active relationship with my boyfriend for a year. We have sex everyday sometimes multiple times and I give him bjs on a regular basis. No problems there. But I constantly catch him watching porn. He claims he doesn't get off every time he looks at it, but I have my doubts. It became an issue at one point about 4 months in when my insecurities (come on all women have them) kicked in.

We had a discussion about it and he made a promise to me that he could stop. Not even two weeks later I found it in his phone again. If I ask him if he's looked at porn he gets angry and it usually results in an argument or him denying it. Ive gone snooping a few times and find books worth of porn sites in his phone, now coming from a girl who gives her man what he needs more than most women give, I'm stumped. I don't understand what the porn has to give him that I can't.

He even tried getting himself off to me and told me he couldn't c*m but turned right around and went and looked at porn. I couldn't feel anything else but disgusted and sick to my stomach. Someone help me.

Well I don't know how much of a help I can be but I myself have had a porn addiction, yes addiction it can consume you I cannot really explain it but I have a fiancé that I have been with for 3 years and we have a great relationship but I still find myself sometimes looking at porn it doesn't mean that I do not find her attractive I just like to look at pics of naked women for some damn reason lol.

I cannot speak for your man but as a man myself who has had a porn addiction and still battles with it from time to time he is addicted it is hard for a man who has looked at porn for sometime like years to shut it off. And if you confront him about it I probably is embarrassing and he probably feels humiliated and judged so he fight about it it is because he does not know how to turn it off and does not know how to talk about it .

A way you might try to get him away from the porn is to figure out what he looks at and maybe find a way to play into it maybe role play into whatever fantasy he is having when he looks at porn, maybe try to introduce porn into your sex life and see if it helps to get his attention away from the sites and onto you if you are showing an interest trust me an ex of mine tried it and it helped . Hope this kind of helps

He will soon leave you, don't worry, you are snopping and then demanding he change things he likes. No wonder if he does not want to be with you sometimes.

And no, all women are not like this, before you found out, sex was great, all the time,
*** reallly not realistic, since it will slow down for real life, soon.

But many men like and watch porn, has nothing to do with you, until you start demanding he behave a certain way

"a way you might try to get him away from the porn is to figure out what he looks at and maybe find a way to play into it maybe role play into whatever fantasy he is having when he looks at porn, maybe try to introduce porn into your sex life and see if it helps to get his attention away from the sites and onto you if you are showing an interest trust me an ex of mine tried it and it helped . hope this kinda helps"

Her problem is snooping. If I were him I would lose all trust - is there no privacy in a relationship?

If they can't talk to each other, the relationship is doomed.

And to suggest that she is somehow responsible for fulfilling his fantasies in order to keep him off the internet is, in my opinion, very bad advice. Porn is "pretend." That is what he's seeking. She could dress like a sheep, and I suspect that would make no difference.

If she is sickened and/or disgusted then it's time for her to move on.

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Ive been in a "VERY" sexually active relationship with my boyfriend for a year. We have sex everyday sometimes multiple times and I give him bjs on a regular basis. No problems there. But I constantly catch him watching porn. He claims he doesn't get off every time he looks at it, but I have my doubts. It became an issue at one point about 4 months in when my insecurities (come on all women have them) kicked in. We had a discussion about it and he made a promise to me that he could stop. Not even two weeks later I found it in his phone again. If I ask him if he's looked at porn he gets angry and it usually results in an argument or him denying it. Ive gone snooping a few times and find books worth of porn sites in his phone, now coming from a girl who gives her man what he needs more than most women give, I'm stumped. I don't understand what the porn has to give him that I cant. He even tried getting himself off to me and told me he cldnt c*m but turned right around and went and looked at porn. I couldn't feel anything else but disgusted and sick to my stomach. Someone help me

This isn't about porn. This is about your insecurities. You are feeding those insecurities by trying to do and be everything you think he wants. You cannot fix the underlying issue by sweeping it under the bed. The more you do, the more you look for evidence, the more you find, the more you feel like you are't enough, the more you feel insecure. Stop. Break the pattern you have set up for yourself.

You are turning your sexual relationship into a competition with porn. That won't work because it will (it may already have) affect how you see yourself and feel about having sex. It will become less about sharing something special with him and more about proving how much better you are. But it won't make you feel secure. He can tell you that you are the best he's ever had and the most beautiful woman in the world. But you will not believe him because you will hear the comparison and focus on the competition. He can give up porn today and never look at another woman for the rest of his life. But you will still be searching for proof and worrying about who he is thinking about. Those are the results of allowing insecurities to grow.

You talked to him eight months ago. But did you listen to him? It sounds like he cares about you enough to make a promise he should not have made (and you should not have accepted) and that he cannot turn you into a masturbatory aid like the characters in porn videos. You are more to him than something to get off on. You are not a toy to be used and set aside. He has respect for you and who you are as a person.

Security and self-confidence come from inside. The seed of belief that you are sexy, beautiful, intelligent, talented, etc. has to exist inside your mind and heart. You have to nurture it and encourage it to grow. If you do, then you aren't as affected by what someone else does or looks at. You don't have to prove anything. He can look at porn, but you know you can give him what his hand can't.

People can look at porn as entertainment and for gathering ideas without masturbating. Erotica (of which porn is just one form) is a genre of entertainment like horror, sports, comedy, drama, etc. It can give a person ideas of things to try or things to leave alone.

Masturbation can be a good way to release tension and stress. Sometimes, a person needs or wants to feel pleasure without having to worry about the feelings and needs of another person. Even with oral or manual sex, there is the thought (if the person isn't fully wrapped up in themselves) of what does my partner need or how can I make them feel good.

It all comes down to you either accept that he will look at porn and you stop allowing it to affect you or you decide you need a partner who doesn't look at porn and you walk away from the relationship. Either way, you need to work on nurturing your own inner security and support. If you don't then this situation will keep repeating only with different men.

Maybe some do have insecurities from time to time but putting them on others is no solution nor is making them make promises they can't keep a solution either. Even worse is snooping to see if they are still doing it.

Dealing with your own insecurities is the only solution that works, and you better look deep to see why you are insecure, how to cope with it, and how to become secure without him having to feed it in worse ways or do things he doesn't want to. That only makes it worse.

To be fair though, he should have just told you to deal with it and leave him alone rather than LIE, but he had no other way to deal with YOUR insecurities without making a big fight of it. That's what most guys do when emotionally assaulted by their female about private porn habits.

Men don't see porn as a threat to their females, and has little to do with love and romance, its more just raw reaction to sexual stimulus. I mean why react at all since its in the same category to us as a good fart or a great sport play. Just quicker and easier to get.

Insecure females see porn as a threat, but its NOT. Its more a threat when you make it such a big deal though, and become a snoop on top of just nagging.

Hi,

You're not going to like what I have to say. First off. What Cat1864 said. All the way. If I could I would greenie the hell out of that one. In your words:

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Ive been in a "VERY" sexually active relationship with my boyfriend for a year. We have sex everyday sometimes multiple times and I give him bjs on a regular basis. No problems there.

By your admission you have a good, if not excellent, sex life. Do you disagree with this? Are you satisfied with your sex life? Knowing how good your sex life was and is, would it surprise you that he was doing his porn thing ALL through out. Even when you were putting bunnies to shame?

Let's continue.

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But I constantly catch him watching porn. He claims he doesn't get off every time he looks at it, but I have my doubts. It became an issue at one point about 4 months in when my insecurities (come on all women have them) kicked in.

How are YOUR insecurities his problem? Because every woman, I would personally venture every man as well, has insecurities imply that they're justified in not dealing with them in a healthy manner but requiring everyone to cater your personal problems so you don't have to deal with them?

Because I don't like my mate reading erotica or harlequin romances because it makes me feel emotionally inadequate require her to stop reading those books? Or should I realize that, regardless of what she reads, watches, or consumes, she's madly in love with me and isn't unsatisfied at all?

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We had a discussion about it and he made a promise to me that he could stop. Not even two weeks later I found it in his phone again. If I ask him if he's looked at porn he gets angry and it usually results in an argument or him denying it. Ive gone snooping a few times and find books worth of porn sites in his phone,

You don't trust him. He has no privacy. You're controlling. Do you disagree with any of this? What reason could you have to snoop on his phone or computer?

Stop this right now. He, as do you, deserves some privacy; nay requires it. Have trust and faith in him. If you can't do that. Leave him, he doesn't deserve this nonsense. He deserves unconditional love. Not love with the condition that he never look at any other woman ever, with the condition that he doesn't have any personal time, with the condition that he has no privacy to consume what he desires to, with the condition that he cater to all your insecurities.

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now coming from a girl who gives her man what he needs more than most women give, I'm stumped. I don't understand what the porn has to give him that I cant. He even tried getting himself off to me and told me he cldnt c*m but turned right around and went and looked at porn. I couldn't feel anything else but disgusted and sick to my stomach. Someone help me

You give him everything he wants from you. It is a subtle but important distinction. You don't really realize how men's minds work. It is surprisingly common to be honest. Men are largely sensory creatures. We like to see, feel, smell, and hear. Women, and correct me if I am wrong, are largely emotional creatures. It is the attachment, feeling, and intent behind the actions that turn them on and off. Think about this when you watch a romantic comedy, read a romance novel, or what not. What gets you lusty that isn't your partner?

I am curious how hold you are, I am guessing early 20s. It doesn't really matter.

While I am sure you were expecting a bunch of people to come in here, sympathize with you, and the like, that isn't going to happen. The issue here is you. Mostly you at least. Get over your insecurities, you might need counselling for this. Mostly you need to let go that him looking at porn matters and is relevant to anything.

Beyond that, high five your boyfriend. He is a healthy normal man. Also he loves you; A lot. He loves that way you look, cellulite and all. (Come on all women have some). He loves making the nookie time with you too.

I'm with MOST of the other posters... you need to get a grip on your own issues... because these ARE your problem to deal with... not his. Or you are going to find yourself alone... if I wasn't married and was dating someone that snooped.. she would be history in the blink of an eye... I wouldn't even put up with my wife doing it... fortunately for her... she doesn't. And never even considered doing it.

I learned in my years dating to spot and dump women with "issues" they won't deal with... there are so many women out there without that baggage to waste time on those who do.
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How about YOU promissing him you won't read any women's books.. watch any women's TV shows and watch no chick flicks... because if you expect him to promise you that... then you OWE him that in return.