Ask Me Help Desk - We don't have sex anymore

Hello,

Me and my Girlfriend ( both 20 ) have been in a relationship for around 1 and a half years and ever since September last year, her sex drive has just gone straight down the drain.

Nothing has drastically changed at all and I openly discuss this with her all the time and she says she will change, but 20 minutes later she's fast asleep.

I've asked her if its me, I've asked why, I've done everything to find out why and now It's getting to the point where I am so 'frustrated' its taking a toll on my social life and work. I feel like I need to end it, but can't justify doing it over sex!

I know that sounds shallow, but as we are so young, it is the norm for young people to have sex, and as you get older I presume it happens less and less, I've explained how important it is to me and its getting to the point now where I am hinting and she just turns round and doesn't give a flying ****.

What should I do?

Quote:

Hello,

Me and my Girlfriend ( both 20 ) have been in a relationship for around 1 and a half years and ever since September last year, her sex drive has just gone straight down the drain.

Nothing has drastically changed at all and I openly discuss this with her all the time and she says she will change, but 20 minutes later she's fast asleep.

I've asked her if its me, I've asked why, I've done everything to find out why and now It's getting to the point where I am so 'frustrated' its taking a toll on my social life and work. I feel like I need to end it, but can't justify doing it over sex!

I know that sounds shallow, but as we are so young, it is the norm for young people to have sex, and as you get older I presume it happens less and less, I've explained how important it is to me and its getting to the point now where I am hinting and she just turns round and doesn't give a flying ****.

What should I do?

Has she been to the doctor to make certain she is healthy?

Obviously there is something wrong if she is 'fast asleep in 20 minutes'. There may not be any 'drastic' changes, but what about smaller ones that add up? Does she have any health issues? Is she on any medications including birth control? Did something happen in September to decrease her drive? Any pregnancy or other health scares?

Stress, depression, exhaustion, etc. are all libido limiters. So is being pressured to have sex when you are you aren't in the mood. So is being constantly reminded you are letting your partner down. What may have started as a minor down period could have gotten worse if you have kept pressure on her to have sex since this began.

Has she gotten to the point where she thinks all you want is sex? Do you show her affection when you aren't expecting sex?

In all of your discussions about your needs, have you listened to what she says about hers? Does she feel like she can open up about hers without you bringing it back to yours?

'Normal' is a relative term. What is usual for one person/couple may not be for another.

She needs a check up to make certain she is healthy. What happens after that should be a discussion (not in bed or when you want sex) between you when you know if there is a physical issue.

Something to ask yourself, what would you do if it turns out that this is the limit of her libido for the foreseeable future?

What is her work/school schedule like? For us women, sex starts before we take off our clothes. Foreplay should start in the morning when the two of you wake up and last throughout the day. For us women, sex is mental not physical.

Is it possible that you need to re-evaluate how you broach the subject with her? Is it possible that she is not mentally ready for the act?

It's very simple.

She's just not that into you anymore.

Quote:

Originally Posted by too_obvious

It's very simple.

She's just not that into you anymore.

It is never that simple. Saying that it is trivializes the relationship without knowing details. We don't know if there has been anything else going on in the relationship. Stress, exhaustion, mixed up schedules, health concerns, self-image/esteem issues, or many other things can be a concern about what is going on.

Stress, if you've got a stressful working environment or not sure where your next meal is coming from then it will take a toll on your sex life. Trust me on this one. Same with exhaustion. I have turned down sex because I was exhausted. A guy turned down sex. Think about that. If you're working third shift and she's working first... you could just not have enough face time and you don't want sex to be the only you do when you finally see your mate.

Think about it. Relational dynamics is never simple.

I agree that "fast asleep in 20 minutes" on a regular basis indicates it could be a health/work issue. I also think (to an extent) that she just may not be that into the sex act with the OP any longer.

I think a conversation is in order. This makes me think the discussion was one sided - " I openly discuss this with her all the time and she says she will change, but 20 minutes later she's fast asleep. "

I always wonder about frequency - I worked in a legal firm that specialized in family law. Husbands came in and complained that the couple NEVER had sex. The wife's papers indicated three times a week.

Define "we don't have sex any longer/more" and "never."