Ask Me Help Desk - Married husband has child with ex girlfriend

I just found out my husband went on a bike ride with his ex girlfriend and son. I was visiting my parents with our son when this went down. I know he didn't cheat but when I made a comment that he went on a bike ride with his ex girlfriend. That it was weird. He blew me off and said I thought we were past this! So I said oh I guess I can hang out with my ex boyfriends. His reply was you don't have a child with them. What the heck does that mean! He wanted to go on a bike ride and didn't care about my feelings! I feel sick in the stomach I feel emotionally betrayed by the whole situation. Opinions?

He's not 'with' his ex, he's with his other child, as he should be.
I don't know how much time you spend at your parents, but perhaps stay home more, and calmly discuss having his other son come to your place on a regular basis - without his ex.

From the title of your post I'm guessing that the child is his. If that's the case he didn't go biking with his ex girlfriend, he went with his son and his son's mother.

Shame on you for making a big deal of it. If I were him, I'd be angry at you to.

Quote:

Burkeh is offline (1 Posts) Asked Yesterday, 11:40 PM
I just found out my husband went on a bike ride with his ex girlfriend and son. I was visiting my parents with our son when this went down. I know he didn't cheat but when I made a comment that he went on a bike ride with his ex girlfriend. That it was weird. He blew me off and said I thought we were past this! So I said oh I guess I can hang out with my ex boyfriends. His reply was you done have a child with them. What the heck does that mean! He wanted to go on a bike ride and didn't care about my feelings! I feel sick in the stomach I feel emotionally betrayed by the whole situation. Opinions?

So you are comparing a father going on a bike ride with his child and the mother of said child with hanging out with ex-boyfriends. Do those situations really sound equal to you? Does it sound like you might be comparing a pineapple and a potato?

Were you tired and over-reacted?

Maybe he wanted to go on the ride. Maybe he wanted to spend time with his child. Maybe she was along for the ride. Maybe they had fun. Did it take anything away from you and your child? Have you asked how many other people were involved?

You say you know he didn't cheat. However, from his reaction to you saying the trip was weird, I get the impression you haven't been too understanding in the past. Have you made a fuss about him seeing his child and/or talking to the mother?

Unless there has been something in the past you haven't mentioned, your insecurity is your own issue to get over. He doesn't seem to have gone to get with her or to make you mad/jealous. If that is how you feel, then you need to look at why. Are you comparing yourself to her? Are you afraid he will leave? Are you concerned his other child might take something away from your own?

You cannot change the fact he has a child with his ex and that they have to interact. You might consider feeling relieved that it doesn't appear you were dragged into a custody or visitation battle. You can change how you react to his time with his child and turn a negative emotion into a positive one. Instead of feeling emotionally betrayed, think about how lucky you are to have a man who is good father.

You are not competing with the other mother. You are building a life with a man you love who loves you. You won't feel so emotionally betrayed if you feel secure in your marriage. Do you feel secure? Do you trust him?

Having a son who is with a lady who has two children from prior relationships, I have to agree with the other responders on this one. It sounds like something you two have discussed in the past and that he assumed you would be all right with him spending some time with his child and the mother of his child and that you trusted him enough to understand that he wasn't cheating on you. From your reaction, I would also assume that he was incorrect in thinking that you were "past this".

My suggestion would be to see if he will go and speak to a counselor with you, as it definitely sounds like you need someone to prevent this from being a "you hurt me so I'll hurt you" shouting match in your own home. The counselor will act as a moderator, allowing him to tell his side of the story, then allowing you to tell your side before trying to get you two to a point of "middle ground". If he won't go with you to counseling, definitely go on your own, as it seriously sounds like you misunderstood the situation and are blowing an innocent bike ride into an affair with a prior love interest with a child to watch them make out. Since you state yourself that you know he didn't cheat on you, there's something else you need to get out with a third party before you ruin your relationship and become his next "ex"...

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Originally Posted by Cat1864

So you are comparing a father going on a bike ride with his child and the mother of said child with hanging out with ex-boyfriends. Do those situations really sound equal to you? Does it sound like you might be comparing a pineapple and a potato?

Were you tired and over-reacted?

Maybe he wanted to go on the ride. Maybe he wanted to spend time with his child. Maybe she was along for the ride. Maybe they had fun. Did it take anything away from you and your child? Have you asked how many other people were involved?

You say you know he didn't cheat. However, from his reaction to you saying the trip was weird, I get the impression you haven't been too understanding in the past. Have you made a fuss about him seeing his child and/or talking to the mother?

Unless there has been something in the past you haven't mentioned, your insecurity is your own issue to get over. He doesn't seem to have gone to get with her or to make you mad/jealous. If that is how you feel, then you need to look at why. Are you comparing yourself to her? Are you afraid he will leave? Are you concerned his other child might take something away from your own?

You cannot change the fact he has a child with his ex and that they have to interact. You might consider feeling relieved that it doesn't appear you were dragged into a custody or visitation battle. You can change how you react to his time with his child and turn a negative emotion into a positive one. Instead of feeling emotionally betrayed, think about how lucky you are to have a man who is good father.

You are not competing with the other mother. You are building a life with a man you love who loves you. You won't feel so emotionally betrayed if you feel secure in your marriage. Do you feel secure? Do you trust him?

I feel this way because my husband and I don't hang out anymore. There is no emotional connection. Which both of us discussed last week. I said we need to find something that him and I can enjoy together. So I am a little upset when he goes for a bike ride with my stepsons mom. My husband would rather hang out with her than me! Between child support and custody problems I think I can feel hurt

First you said he went biking with her and their son. Now you say he went biking with her. Which is it?
YOU took the son you two share away. We have no idea how often you do this, and how long you stay away. What's he supposed to do while you are gone? And your son has to be younger than hers, so can yours bike ride?
I would assume that SHE planned the bike ride. Have you made plans for a picnic or trip to a zoo or a park or a lake?
You still haven't given any remote justification for feeling angry, jealous, or hurt.
Even child support and custody problems. Are they his fault? Did he lie to you when you married him, and you knew nothing about them?
Get off your butt, accept what has to be accepted, make some positive plans as a family, and stay home if you visit your parents a lot. Or you are going to lose him. She lost him.

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Originally Posted by Burkeh

I feel this way because my husband and I don't hang out anymore. There is no emotional connection. Which both of us discussed last week. I said we need to find something that him and I can enjoy together. So I am a little upset when he goes for a bike ride with my stepsons mom. My husband would rather hang out with her than me! Between child support and custody problems i think I can feel hurt

So there are more issues than one bike ride while you were gone.

When you opened up to him about feeling like you have grown apart what did he say? Did he acknowledge your feelings and discuss ways you can work together to improve the relationship?

How long have you been together and how old is your child?

Emotional connections and marriages take work. Are you willing to put in more energy if he agrees to try to make more of an effort? Would you be willing to think about marriage counseling? Would he?