Ask Me Help Desk - Help I'm falling apart... need an understanding non judgementall ear?

Hey I'm 24 and have 3 kids and as much as am trying to keep it all together I'm falling apart in 2007 my oldest son was found to have a non accidental injury he had to go live with my mum I was 17 and no one knew what had happened to him.. No one was arrested although he had fractured skull and bleeds on the brain! So the family courts deemed he should live with my mum and although I could never be excluded as a possible perpitrator it was ruled the likely hood was it was my partner at the time! I got called names in the street and hit an all time low... Three years on my ex moved in with someone else and her son received non accidental injuries too.. Last year 2012 he was found guilty of hurting my baby and the other ladys after a 7 day trail he received 5 years... So since and during trying to prove my innocence I have had 2 more beautiful boys that live with me.. So guess everyone's thinking so what's the problem... Well let's say I can not move from the past I have requested in fact begged then nhs for councilling but they say I don't need it but that's because of my hard exterior inside I'm breaking I feel guilty for loving my two sons that live at home as much as I do because although my oldest son is still in the family and he calls me mum that simply is not the relationship we have he's like a little brother now he does not remember living with me and although to him life is 'normal' its far from that... I feel I can not tell anyone how I really feel as I now trust no one hence telling strangers... I feel like I'm suffocating inside and the moment my boys are in bed I break every single night not one night off there the only thing that's keeping me going putting on a brave face... But how can I leave this in the past now? Because I feel like I live it everyday seeing my boy in that hospital bed its like photographicly printed in my head I want to move on now please please someone tell me how you bury things inside for good because I can not cope with it surfacing daily x

You definitely sound like you need to have someone to share this with, but since the people who are SUPPOSED to be helping you are dropping the ball by saying you don't need help...

If you search your area for abuse support groups, there are usually some run by people like you - people who needed someone to talk to but were denied that right by the bureaucrats who run such government funded programs. On the bad side, these aren't apt to be professionals who have gone to school and have diplomas in helping other people. On the good side, these are usually people just like you who have lived through similar situations and are still alive to share the wisdom they gained through their trials.

Good luck!

You don't 'bury it for good.' You let it surface and talk about it, and cry, and feel angry, and feel guilty, and feel that you just didn't really do anything wrong. But you did in a way - you let a man into your life who you didn't know very well, and let him be alone with your child. You need to feel guilty so that you can get past that. You get past it by loving your children, all 3 of them, and work as hard as you can to get your first born back, but do it slowly, because it will take time, and the people in power can be awful at times.
That's the guilt. Somehow you get rid of the guilt and replace it with a sense of responsibility for what happened - you chose him, he was an abuser, you didn't know, now you know, and now you accept your life and work to be a wiser person.

The anger is for the boyfriend who is now in jail. Good, productive anger. Maybe you can form your own support group! You may not find women in your exact situation, but women who have had kids taken away. Maybe you can write the story and a local paper will want to publish it. Maybe you could put it online, even here. What you were naïve about, and what you learned, to pass on to other women.

So... no you don't hide your feelings. You let them out, use them, make them part of the new older and wiser person, and support and advise others.

Quote:

Originally Posted by joypulv

You don't 'bury it for good.' You let it surface and talk about it, and cry, and feel angry, and feel guilty, and feel that you just didn't really do anything wrong. But you did in a way - you let a man into your life who you didn't know very well, and let him be alone with your child. You need to feel guilty so that you can get past that. You get past it by loving your children, all 3 of them, and work as hard as you can to get your first born back, but do it slowly, because it will take time, and the people in power can be awful at times.
That's the guilt. Somehow you get rid of the guilt and replace it with a sense of responsibility for what happened - you chose him, he was an abuser, you didn't know, now you know, and now you accept your life and work to be a wiser person.

The anger is for the boyfriend who is now in jail. Good, productive anger. Maybe you can form your own support group! You may not find women in your exact situation, but women who have had kids taken away. Maybe you can write the story and a local paper will want to publish it. Maybe you could put it online, even here. What you were naive about, and what you learned, to pass on to other women.

So... no you don't hide your feelings. You let them out, use them, make them part of the new older and wiser person, and support and advise others.

Excellent post, joypuly!