Ask Me Help Desk - How can I help my parents be comfortable with me dating an ex con?

I am a 20 (turning 21 in June) year old college student. I have been dating a 32yr old ex con for about two weeks now. We do sleep together but we also can go out on normal dates and act like a normal couple. I have just recently told my parents and they are very concerned. He has spent a total of 14yrs in prison on two different felony counts. I know I shouldn't expect my parents to be over joyed and welcome him with open arms but is there any way to help them understand or maybe feel more relaxed and comfortable about it?

Where did you meet him and why are you sleeping with him after only 2 weeks.
If you were my daughter there isn't anything you could say that would make me feel comfortable. How long has he been out of jail? Does he have a job?

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

Where did you meet him and why are you sleeping with him after only 2 weeks.
If you were my daughter there isn't anything you could say that would make me feel comfortable. How long has he been out of jail? Does he have a job?

I met him when I was out with some friends. I realize that sleeping with him after two weeks is going very quickly and we have both agreed to slow things down (we haven't slept together for a couple of days now and have just hung out and slept together without sex). He has been out for almost two years now. He is co-owner of a roofing company and has been working very hard to support him and his mother who lives with him. He regrets what he did and has definitely learned from his time in jail. While he was in prison, his mother ended up homeless for a while and this was and still is a major push for him to turn his life around so he can support her as well as make his life better.

Well you have only known him two weeks, don't get yourself too wrapped up. Take some time to get to know this guy, stop sleeping with him and no more sex.
This would be a big pill for parents to swallow.

While I do believe in people turning their lives around, I also believe in being cautious Why did he end up in prison two times? If he has a history of violence such as domestic abuse, it would be a huge red flag warning about how he handles his temper.

Tell your parents that you realize you rushed into this relationship and that you have decided to slow things down. And mean it. You understand their feelings and are thankful they are concerned about your welfare, but you are an adult and have to make decisions for yourself. You hope they will be understanding enough to be there should the relationship succeed or or fail. You hope they will give him a chance to show that he isn't the man his past says he is. You hope if the relationship fails they will wait a decent amount of time before saying, 'I told you so.'

Listen to their concerns, they may see warning signs you are too close to see or might be ignoring. But you will have to make your own mind about what you decide to do.

As the mother of a 20 years old daughter, I will tell you this: No matter how old you get, you will still be the little one they carried and sheltered from harm. This is a lesson for both you and them in maintaining a new set of personal boundary lines with their adult child.

Have patience and good luck.

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Originally Posted by Cat1864

While I do believe in people turning their lives around, I also believe in being cautious Why did he end up in prison two times? If he has a history of violence such as domestic abuse, it would be a huge red flag warning about how he handles his temper.

Tell your parents that you realize you rushed into this relationship and that you have decided to slow things down. And mean it. You understand their feelings and are thankful they are concerned about your welfare, but you are an adult and have to make decisions for yourself. You hope they will be understanding enough to be there should the relationship succeed or or fail. You hope they will give him a chance to show that he isn't the man his past says he is. You hope if the relationship fails they will wait a decent amount of time before saying, 'I told you so.'

Listen to their concerns, they may see warning signs you are too close to see or might be ignoring. But you will have to make your own mind about what you decide to do.

As the mother of a 20 years old daughter, I will tell you this: No matter how old you get, you will still be the little one they carried and sheltered from harm. This is a lesson for both you and them in maintaining a new set of personal boundary lines with their adult child.

Have patience and good luck.

While his history is of violence, it isn't for something like domestic abuse. He was in for attempted murder when he was 16 and then assault with a deadly weapon when he was 23ish. This has definitely made me aware that he doesn't handle anger or his temper well, and has made me decide that if he ever raises his voice or gets intensely angry with me, I'll seriously consider leaving because I don't want to be on the other end of his anger.
On the other hand, he has been nothing but sweet and considerate of my feelings and my concerns throughout this and understands my parents concerns as well. I know that this will take a while for them to wrap their heads around or even just be understanding about, it definitely puts me in a tough position.
Thank you so much for your help :)

As the mother of a daughter your age, there is nothing you could say or do that would make me comfortable with you dating this man. His past speaks for itself. He has spent almost half of his life in prison for extremely violent crimes, crimes that you could very well end up being the victim of.

While I do believe people can turn their lives around, I don't believe that he has been in the outside world long enough to prove that he has changed his ways.

You have only known him 2 weeks. This is going too fast and too furious and will only crash and burn.

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Originally Posted by collegegirl92

This has definately made me aware that he doesn't handle anger or his temper well, and has made me decide that if he ever raises his voice or gets intensely angry with me, I'll seriously consider leaving because I don't want to be on the other end of his anger.

I just want you to be aware of what you are saying and think about what it means.

"...I'll seriously consider leaving..." are the words that many abused women have uttered before the abuse begins. Sadly many of them continue saying those words long after they know they should have left. Read the questions we have received from women taking about how they know they should have walked out the first time their partner raised a hand but he was so sweet and kind and he apologized later. So they stayed and had children and the temper tantrums increased-you see where their stories are going, don't you?

Change your thought pattern now. Instead of "seriously consider", say, "I am out the door."

Another thought for you to keep in mind is that no form(s) of birth control are 100% effective. Nature seems to like beating the odds so wait to have sex until you know this is a person you want to spend your life dealing with.

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Originally Posted by Cat1864

I just want you to be aware of what you are saying and think about what it means.

"...I'll seriously consider leaving..." are the words that many abused women have uttered before the abuse begins. Sadly many of them continue saying those words long after they know they should have left. Read the questions we have received from women taking about how they know they should have walked out the first time their partner raised a hand but he was so sweet and kind and he apologized later. So they stayed and had children and the temper tantrums increased-you see where their stories are going, don't you?

Change your thought pattern now. Instead of "seriously consider", say, "I am out the door."

Another thought for you to keep in mind is that no form(s) of birth control are 100% effective. Nature seems to like beating the odds so wait to have sex until you know this is a person you want to spend your life dealing with.

Even though I have my concerns, there are a lot of things that speak well for him. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt and let their current actions speak for themselves, rather than solely base my decisions on their past. He is working on changing his life and making it better, and I'm happy to help him and support him.

The way he treats me is definitely a way for me to base my decision, and until/unless he gives me a reason not to, I trust him and feel comfortable with him. He has never put me in a situation where I feel uncomfortable, he always looks out for my safety and well being. He respects my concerns and is always upfront and honest about things.

About his violent past, yes, I would definitely leave if he ever did the things I mentioned, and I have seriously thought about all of the things that would make me leave. I doubt he would ever do any of them, but they will always be in the back of my mind. I believe he deserves a chance, and unless something proves me wrong, I'm going to give it to him.

Now, the sex is definitely something that we can wait on. We have been being careful and using protection, but I understand where you are coming from. Right now, we both want to see where this goes and like what we're seeing and feeling so far, but are still in the beginning stages.

I have the same concerns everyone else has expressed, and I understand some of what you are saying. I have 5 stepchildren, so I guess I qualify to give "motherly" advice. I also work in the legal system, and that might work for or against you.

Two weeks and you're in bed with this guy? I trust you are both using protection (nothing is 100%) and that the decision to have sex (I dislike the "sleeping together" phrase because I think it glosses over having sex) was mutual and made when you were both sober.

Do you picture him as the father of your possible child, tied together for the rest of your lives by that child?

He's been tested so you know he's disease free?

As far as "sleeping together and not having sex" - I don't understand this when there's no relationship to speak of. Certainly if you are in a relationship - but after such a short period? If you are being groomed in some fashion personal contact, touch, is step #1. That hand on your hip during the night suddenly isn't either strange or unexpected.

I have no way of knowing if he's turned his life around or not. Apparently he didn't turn around after the first conviction and the first prison term. What is different about the second?

Someone in the medical or psych field will probably come along - my experience is all legal BUT people who tend to be violent aren't violent only toward strangers or, in the case of this man, victims. A propensity toward violence is just that - a tendency to be violent when things don't go well or when he wants something and someone won't give it to him.

Does he have a history of abuse - was he abused, does he abuse alcohol, drugs? Have you met his friends? What are they like? His family? Do you like them/do they like you?

Do you meet his friends and family - or is it all about your place, your friends, your "places?"

Is he your "bad boy, walk on the wild side" boyfriend? With some women it's all about Cops. With others it's all about bad guys. Would you have any interest if he were, in fact, a banker with a clean record?

What about his past relationships? What were they about? How did they end?

That's a fairly sizeable age difference - are women his own age more experienced (he certainly lost relationship time when he was in prison) and, therefore, out of his league? Are you younger and less experienced and, therefore, more susceptible to his charms and story - and that is not an insult to you. I'm just telling it the way I see it.

I do understand second chances, giving people a break. I just don't know how you sort out who deserves a break from who is still in the game.

I think you need to think this over. Assuming your parents love you and trust your judgment they will probably tell you to be cautious. I don't know how harsh I would be if you were one of my "steps." I do know I would not judge him until I met him. Would I then be interested in meeting him a second time? That would depend on him.

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

I have the same concerns everyone else has expressed, and I understand some of what you are saying. I have 5 stepchildren, so I guess I qualify to give "motherly" advice. I also work in the legal system, and that might work for or against you.

Two weeks and you're in bed with this guy? I trust you are both using protection (nothing is 100%) and that the decision to have sex (I dislike the "sleeping together" phrase because I think it glosses over having sex) was mutual and made when you were both sober.

Do you picture him as the father of your possible child, tied together for the rest of your lives by that child?

He's been tested so you know he's disease free?

As far as "sleeping together and not having sex" - I don't understand this when there's no relationship to speak of. Certainly if you are in a relationship - but after such a short period of time? If you are being groomed in some fashion personal contact, touch, is step #1. That hand on your hip during the night suddenly isn't either strange or unexpected.

I have no way of knowing if he's turned his life around or not. Apparently he didn't turn around after the first conviction and the first prison term. What is different about the second?

Someone in the medical or psych field will probably come along - my experience is all legal BUT people who tend to be violent aren't violent only toward strangers or, in the case of this man, victims. A propensity toward violence is just that - a tendency to be violent when things don't go well or when he wants something and someone won't give it to him.

Does he have a history of abuse - was he abused, does he abuse alcohol, drugs? Have you met his friends? What are they like? His family? Do you like them/do they like you?

Do you meet his friends and family - or is it all about your place, your friends, your "places?"

Is he your "bad boy, walk on the wild side" boyfriend? With some women it's all about Cops. With others it's all about bad guys. Would you have any interest if he were, in fact, a banker with a clean record?

What about his past relationships? What were they about? How did they end?

That's a fairly sizeable age difference - are women his own age more experienced (he certainly lost relationship time when he was in prison) and, therefore, out of his league? Are you younger and less experienced and, therefore, more susceptible to his charms and story - and that is not an insult to you. I'm just telling it the way I see it.

I do understand second chances, giving people a break. I just don't know how you sort out who deserves a break from who is still in the game.

I think you need to think this over. Assuming your parents love you and trust your judgment they will probably tell you to be cautious. I don't know how harsh I would be if you were one of my "steps." I do know I would not judge him until I met him. Would I then be interested in meeting him a second time? That would depend on him.

We have discussed our future and if things continue going as well as they have been by the time I graduate from college, we will look into moving in together and things of that sort. Now, I have been upfront with him from the beginning that since I'm still 20, I don't know exactly what I want yet, especially when it comes to getting married and having kids. He understands and is willing to wait to let me figure it out. Now, he has told me that he could see himself marrying me and having kids with me, but won't push me into that before I'm ready.

He told me from the beginning that he gets tested after each partner and is disease free right now. Since I have only just recently begun having sex, I am going to ask him to get tested again and I will get tested myself.

During Shaun's second prison sentence, his older brother (who is a coke addict) spent all of the money their mother and himself had, causing their mother to end up being homeless for a while. This was a major motive for Shaun to get out and start his life on the right path so he could support and take care of his mother which is what he is doing right now.

I do not know a whole lot about his past before he went to jail, but it is something we have begun to discuss, therefore I don't know about any past history of abuse. Now, I have met a couple of his friends and really like them. They have been nothing but respectful and polite and fun to be around. I have also met his mother since she lives with him and she seems to really like me as I like her. His father is not in the picture, but they do talk. He has just recently met his half siblings from his dad's other relationships

He has met one of my three roommates and we are working on having him meet the other two. We normally hang out at his place since he normally gets me after he gets off work and since he's been roofing all day we normally just relax and watch movies at his place or his business partner's place since he's so tired. We have gone out on a date, but since he's busy and it was the end of my semester, we've had trouble planning another date just yet.

All I know about his past relationships is that he's only had a couple (the longest being close to a year long) and the girl has always broken up with him for whatever reason.

I would definitely still have interest in him if he were a banker w/o a record. He's sweet and caring and treats me amazingly. He's very affectionate and cute when we're together no matter who else is around. We have quite a bit in common and we're very comfortable together.

Just don't do anything stupid. As far as talking about marriage so quickly - and no one is going to agree, I predict - my late husband asked me to marry him on our first date. We did marry 7 weeks later. I never had one regret.

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

Just don't do anything stupid. As far as talking about marriage so quickly - and no one is going to agree, I predict - my late husband asked me to marry him on our first date. We did marry 7 weeks later. I never had one regret.

Your husband wasn't an ex-felon with 2 convictions. You also weren't a naïve 20 year old. Just want to point that out. :)

To the OP (original poster) you've known him for 2 weeks, you're still at the honeymoon phase of your relationship, when you're on your best behavior, smell your best, dress your best, hold in your burps, never dare fart in front of the other, eat politely, use your P & Q's. At 2 weeks into my relationship with my husband I was still calling him Rob (it was loud in the bar the night we met), which isn't his name. Close, but not his name. In other words, I didn't know him at all at that time.

Two weeks is nothing. There's no way you can know this man well enough to have this much invested in him so soon.

Mom and Dad have a reason to be concerned. Let's hope that if he ever shows his anger to you, he doesn't have a weapon handy. I really hope that the attempted murder doesn't turn into a fulfilled murder.

Having said that, I do believe in giving people a second chance. I don't actually have a problem with you giving this man a chance, he paid his debt to society, it sounds like he's learned his lesson and he's trying to better himself. I have a problem with the fact that you're so invested in a man you only met 2 weeks ago.

Slow down!

Hello girl:

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is there any way to help them understand or maybe feel more relaxed and comfortable about it?

If you can't make ME comfortable, then I won't help you make your parents comfortable..

And, I'm NOT comfortable with him. He has a history of VIOLENCE.. I'm SURE he's a nice guy when he's not pissed off. But, when he gets pissed off at you, and he surly will, you may not survive.

Look.. Find yourself a nice NON violent felon. There's plenty of us out there.

Excon

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Originally Posted by excon

Hello girl:

If you can't make ME comfortable, then I won't help you make your parents comfortable..

And, I'm NOT comfortable with him. He has a history of VIOLENCE.. I'm SURE he's a nice guy when he's not pissed off. But, when he gets pissed off at you, and he surly will, you may not survive.

Look.. Find yourself a nice NON violent felon. There's plenty of us out there.

excon

Well said Exy. Very well said. Wish I could greenie you more than once.

The fact is, the OP keeps saying that if he shows his anger towards her, she'll leave. Well, the first time he shows his anger, may very well be the last. It's like buying a cobra and saying "The first time he bites me I'll get rid of him". Too late.

Alty, you are right. He was not an ex-con. However, I was 20 - a couple of times.

My point was that, yes, I do believe in the "love at first sight" thing. I just think the OP has to be 10 times more cautious because of the circumstances - and the age difference/education difference alone concern me.

I am also not sure he isn't her "walk on the wild side" boyfriend.

And, of course, the violence.

I did feel that perhaps a word of encouragement was needed. That's why I asked all those questions.

No question OP is well spoken, "appears" to have thought things out and is being cautious - fingers crossed.

I wonder if perhaps YOU are concerned, because otherwise why would you tell your parents all about his past after 2 weeks? Of course they are concerned! It could take hours to tell his tale of a lousy childhood and his desire to take care of his mother. That's heartwarming (let's assume it's true for now) but it doesn't answer to any seething resentment and bottled up anger about his lot in life.
Second, there's believing what you are told. You have proof of what the crimes were? You have proof of his brother and mother's stories? You have a copy of his last STD test? You had sex with him BEFORE being tested - a little late if he did give you something. And some facts don't really add up. He's 32, spent 14 years inside since 16. That leaves only 2 years as an adult, and yet he is co-owner of a roofing company... how the heck does an ex-con get so lucky?

In short, you strike me as a little naïve in the way you blurted this all out to your parents so soon, believed his story, and believed the test results (unless you have seen records).

That bothers me more than his story. I too think he SOUNDS like a good guy who had a bad rap. But YOU need to be more attentive to the truth before you blindly trust.

******************Threads have been merged for the full story***************

My boyfriend and I met during my last two weeks of school (which is in Ohio). Now, I was planning on going home for a week (I'm from Delaware on the east coast) and then coming back to take a summer class, but because of other things, I will not be returning until this fall (if at all). Neither one of us wants to try a long distance relationship because we both have some trust issues and with 8hrs between us it would be very hard to go 3months without seeing each other.

We have discussed our options and have decided that breaking up would probably be the smartest idea, but I don't want to lose him. I know we've only been together for two weeks, but we have connected really fast and care about each other very much. I was thinking that we might try just taking a break for the summer (making us both single) and then reconnect and see where we are when I come back this fall.

I know that I'm not going to be looking for anyone else because I really want to be with my boyfriend, but I want to be fair and give him that option since we'll be so far apart. I'm fine with waiting for him, but I know that asking him to wait for me is asking a lot. I know he cares about me very much and that breaking up is something he doesn't want to do either, but we both know a long distance relationship wouldn't be smart for either of us.

Is this a good idea? Any suggestions?

Your on the right track, If trust is at all involved you can't hold him to a commitment. But if you two truly feel connected you have a problem, the oldest one there is and again it involves trust. If you don't break up but just separate because it wouldn't be fare (As you say) then say he goes out with another girl or two? Wouldn't that be cheating? And wouldn't that mean you are broke up? You can't have a relationship if only one person is committed. If your not going back to where he is after summer then consider it over and move on. As hard as that sounds it's the only way. At least you have seen qualities in another that you like and you have a better picture of what and who your looking for. If you go the other way and lots of people try let us know what happens. Good luck and remember you are a supper person.

Let me clarify, we would break up for the summer. He can see other people, I can see other people, but I know that I won't just because I still care and I do have other things to focus on for the time being. He also is going to be very busy with work, but if he sleeps with or meets someone else, he has every right to. I just meant that we'd be broken up for the summer and then see where we are when I go back to Ohio. If we still are interested in seeing where this goes, we can. And he's told me that we can always still talk throughout the summer, as we are also friends.