Ask Me Help Desk - Says he won't marry me because I'm moody?? WHAT??

4.5 yrs ago, I started dating my boyfriend who works out of town a lot... a rigger... I am a very open and honest person and told him I didn't know if it would be a relationship I could handle as I'm an emotional person and need and want to be near my partner, not away from him for weeks on end, but I would give it a go. Well much to my surprise it was something I could deal with because of who he was and what we both wanted... MARRIAGE being the key here... I have wanted to be two things my entire life, a Mother and a Wife... we are a blended family, with 5 boys,so I am the Mom... 2 of mine and 1 of his lives with us... his son has no respect for me and my boyfriend does not enforce it which stresses me out badly. My boys are respectful (most of the time) All three are teen boys, his being the oldest. My boyfriend is a fantastic financial provider for us all and a really awesome man, but he has seemed to chg his mind about marrying me... He told me four years ago he would not ask me to marry him while I smoked, I said I wouldn't quit until he asked... well he didn't and I;ve been quit 3 yrs and I did it for ME not him... however, he has recently made me a stay at home mom... I look after our three boys, our two rental properties and our own home... I do most of the renos myself, just put in a hot water tank, fixed the guts of one toilet and the seal on the other... so needless to say, I was very happy that he gave me the opportunity to be less stressed with the outside job (my commute was an hour each way and 8.5 hrs at work) He is home sometimes a couple days a month, sometimes a week, sometimes not home for 6-8 weeks... he misses so much here, he makes huge sacrifices to be the financial provider he is, he's missed 3 of 4 Christmas' and anniversaries, he misses almost every kids birthday and other special occasions... yes, a big sacrifice, but I'm left to deal with it alone, and I do and I try not to b*tch about it... because I understand his sacrifices, or try to. I sacrifice the needs I have to be with him, because I love him.. . now that the history is out... as I said, I'm a very straight shooter, I asked him last month why he hasn't proposed to me yet? Especially with him knowing how important it is to me, his response... I'm too moody. Swears he loves me to pieces, said I'm the most awesome woman in the world when I'm 'on' but not at all when I'm off... (insert heart break) I know he makes sacrifices for us -financially- but I do as well, financially, independently and emotionally... you can't imagine how that blow knocked me out cold, he's known over 4 yrs marriage was my need/want - no matter what - to me it's NOT just a piece of paper, it's a commitment from the heart, it is the ultimate commitment, which he 'said' he wanted too... now I feel I've lost 4.5 yrs on a great man who can't won't give me what he said he would... I feel I gave him my heart, my trust, my family, my everything..
We went for lunch a few days later, this is when I told him that he's either in or in my way, that if he can't handle me at my worst he sure as hell doesn't deserve me at my best. He said he thinks about it every now and then, about marrying me... but we're financially committed he says... I told him what he could do with his 'finances' if he wanted a gold digger, he was with the wrong girl... I told him I would rather be poor with money and rich with love and marriage... but I'm still here... feeling trapped and confused, because I do love him dearly, but not sure about spending anymore time on someone who I feel doesn't love me 'enough' for that special ultimate commitment...

Given that you both have teenagers, I assume that you yourself don't want more children?
So marriage for you is 'something' that means something?
I'm guessing that he is worried that if you decide to dump him while he is on one of his long jobs, you will get the house and his assets and he'll come home to a divorce decree to sign. Maybe he has some buddies in the military this has happened to, who knows.
And if you are in one of the few community property states like CA, it's worse.
How does my theory tie into moodiness? He may see any mood as a sign that you want out. Which in a way you do, if he won't marry you.
So Catch 22. You called his bluff with the 'either in or in my way.' Now you have to decide if you meant it.
It really is just a piece of paper, you know. Look around! Countless weddings, countless divorces. Do you still think marriage does anything more than give you more rights regarding children (who are almost grown) and splitting up?

So you are essentially a babysitter, caregiver, fix er' upper, cook, cleaner, bottle washer, nurse maid, chauffeur, school liaison, property manager, laundress, bill payer, purchasing clerk, maintainer of vehicles and bikes, seamstress, and all the stress that comes from managing THREE teenage boys!! And that's to say the least.

He works hard, he makes lots of money.

It's almost like maintaining a long distance relationship with someone, and those types of relationships don't usually work out.

I have to ask you why you stay. If this is not the life you want as you say, and you prefer a husband and father who is hands on and home more than he is away, why is marriage seen as the reason why not to stay- with him not wanting to marry you.

Would you have married him had you known how the relationship would have turned out?

Quote:

Originally Posted by joypulv

Given that you both have teenagers, I assume that you yourself don't want more children?
So marriage for you is 'something' that means something?
I'm guessing that he is worried that if you decide to dump him while he is on one of his long jobs, you will get the house and his assets and he'll come home to a divorce decree to sign. Maybe he has some buddies in the military this has happened to, who knows.
And if you are in one of the few community property states like CA, it's worse.
How does my theory tie into moodiness? He may see any mood as a sign that you want out. Which in a way you do, if he won't marry you.
So Catch 22. You called his bluff with the 'either in or in my way.' Now you have to decide if you meant it.
It really is just a piece of paper, you know. Look around! Countless weddings, countless divorces. Do you still think marriage does anything more than give you more rights regarding children (who are almost grown) and splitting up?

We discussed marriage and children in the beginning of our relationship, we both are fixed so that answers that, we both wanted marriage... except he says somewhat diff now... says he thinks about marrying me sometimes, but then I get moody... yes I've put it on the line... and been an super b*tch... I live one life and I've given 4.5 yrs to someone who told me they had the same views, but now is saying diff. I'm good enough to do what I do for us and our household, but not good enough to be his wife? I have done the bull of threatening to leave, I know that's not fair to him, but that is only after his marriage comments... He said 'maybe I'm not the guy I thought I was?"

As Jake said, why do you stay?
I responded along the lines of why don't you stay (based on your saying there is love both ways).
You are the only one who can decide. It sounds like you want us to do something to change HIM. We can't do that, and neither can you.
You have to decide. You told him to marry you or you were out of there, but you haven't gone. You are the ONLY ONE who can make a decision.
Will he come crawling to you with a ring in hand if you go to all the trouble of moving out? We don't know, nobody does.
NEVER deliver ultimatums if you don't keep them.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jake2008

So you are essentially a babysitter, caregiver, fix er' upper, cook, cleaner, bottle washer, nurse maid, chauffeur, school liason, property manager, laundress, bill payer, purchasing clerk, maintainer of vehicles and bikes, seamstress, and all the stress that comes from managing THREE teenage boys!!!!!!! And that's to say the least.

He works hard, he makes lots of money.

It's almost like maintaining a long distance relationship with someone, and those types of relationships don't usually work out.

I have to ask you why you stay. If this is not the life you want as you say, and you prefer a husband and father who is hands on and home more than he is away, why is marriage seen as the reason why not to stay- with him not wanting to marry you.

Would you have married him had you known how the relationship would have turned out?

I've stayed because I believed his words, I trusted he would marry me... I've stayed because I love him, he's a very wonderful, kind man, I've also stayed (now) because I feel trapped. How does a girl get out of the situation I've put myself AND my kids in... my kids love him, but he doesn't tell a soul (not even his mother or kids) that he loves them... he PAYS for love, buying this and that... I have invested my children in this relationship, which is the biggest reason I was so forth coming with him in the beginning about what I wanted and needed in life, I didn't want them hurt and now I guess I'm angry because I don't have the one thing I need in life but do not want to hurt my kids to take away the man that has provided for them for the last 4.5yrs. Holy man, feeling pretty confused now that I write this down...

Quote:

Originally Posted by joypulv

As Jake said, why do you stay?
I responded along the lines of why don't you stay (based on your saying there is love both ways).
You are the only one who can decide. It sounds like you want us to do something to change HIM. We can't do that, and neither can you.
You have to decide. You told him to marry you or you were out of there, but you haven't gone. You are the ONLY ONE who can make a decision.
Will he come crawling to you with a ring in hand if you go to all the trouble of moving out? We don't know, nobody does.
NEVER deliver ultimatums if you don't keep them.

Thanks for your thoughts, I really do appreciate them... however, I don't want to change him, I just don't understand why he changed his mind on marrying me but continued letting me believe his thoughts on marriage had changed... and why tell me he won't marry me because I'm too moody? Knowing how important marriage is to me, being forth coming with me would have been nice!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Moody-Momma

Thanks for your thoughts, I really do appreciate them... however, I don't want to change him, I just don't understand why he changed his mind on marrying me but continued letting me believe his thoughts on marriage had changed.... and why tell me he won't marry me bc I'm too moody? Knowing how important marriage is to me, being forth coming with me would have been nice!

Also, if he did come crawling with a ring, I'd say no, I do not believe in that, I wouldn't want him to marry me because I left... is that wrong??

'however, I don't want to change him,. '
Ah, but everything you say says you do.
You are back tracking into complaints about him. We get it! He promised marriage and now years later, he blames the fact that he won't on you. Not fair, and so on... but none of that is the point. We can speculate until the cows come home. I offered my theory about divorce. NONE of that matters.
The point is what are you going to do about it?
If you deliver any more ultimatums and don't follow through, he is going to just chalk them all up to your 'moods' and go on with things the way they are.
The more upset this all makes you, the less he is going to want to get married.
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO, given the situation at hand, not the whys and why nots?

Read your last line, you say that he doesn't love you enough. I don't think that is the case at all. My girlfriend is really moody too and I don't plan on marrying her any time soon either, yet I love her more than anything in the world. If you don't think he is planning to run away someday with someone else and you are sure he will stay, what difference would the title of 'husband' give? I am head over the heels in love with my girlfriend and I am committed to the end, I don't see the need to prove it with an expensive ceremony.