It's so incredible to me to read these posts, all concerning the situation I am in. I just so happened to Google, Why does my adult daughter hate me? and it brought me to this. I never thought I'd find that this isn't as uncommon as I thought. I also can say that I have done everything I could for my daughter, as well as my son.

It seems as though my daughter never really accepted my son, and she was so mean to him growing up. I was always having to run to his rescue. Either she'd be hitting him behind my back, or saying nasty things to him to make him cry. I tried very hard to show her that I loved her, and that he didn't replace her, because I could see her jealousy of him. I didn't try to show favoritism, but I did seem to be mostly correcting her on not hurting her brother. Once he came running to me crying but wouldn't tell me why. I had to keep pulling it out of him. Finally he said that she told him that we were getting a divorce and she was going to go live with her daddy, and where was he going to live?

WHY would she do that to him? Why would she even think of that word divorce? My husband and I weren't having any problems. She seemed to hate the fact that we had a pretty peaceful family. It's like she wasn't happy until there was drama, that most of the time, she created. She would say that we had a dysfunctional family. Lol I have no idea why she would say that. We brought our kids up in church, and we were a very loving family. She's been engaged twice, broke both engagements, one reception we just finished paying the deposit off. Until today, she still talks crap about her brother, making people think he's so awful, and often talks about how she wasn't happy growing up. So, I also would love to know, what's wrong with her?

She is mean to me, but she watches everything she says to my husband. When she upsets me with her ugly comments, she calls him behind my back trying to act like she didn't do anything, and that I am just too sensitive, and dramatic, and emotional. I wish there was a support group for mothers with nasty daughters. I love her very much though, and wish we had a close relationship. I keep having hope and then getting knocked down. I don't know what to do. This last drama she created even had my husband turning on me because he thinks I shouldn't let her get to me. He's tired of seeing me crying when she hurts me. I'm getting angry with him now, for suddenly turning on me.

My son is so kind, and he has such a good heart. He doesn't treat me mean. He appreciates everything I've done. He tells me all the time. He wasn't the perfect kid either growing up. He got into pot, and he gave me hell, but he grew up to be a good young man. It hurts him to see how she hurts me. Sadly, he has shielded himself from her, and he has no trust for her. He has seen the 2 faces she has, when she is so sweet to him when she needs him to help her with something, but then says ugly things about him behind his back.

If you all know of a support group for this sort of situation, please let me know. I'm so afraid to tell anyone because I don't want to turn them off to her. She's so good to everyone else. It's weird.

Thanks so much for taking the time to read this.

Do you want help/a support group for yourself or for her?

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Do you want help/a support group for yourself or for her?

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For myself. She thinks she's perfect. She'd never try to look into herself

'.. my daughter never really accepted my son.. '
'... she watches everything she says to my husband.'

I'm confused - do they have the same father or different ones? I assume the same, but somehow your wording suggests possibly otherwise.

A support group doesn't need to be just for Parents of Adult Children Who Hate Them. This is the sort of general behavior problem that does well in any group, which you can find near you in the newspaper or by asking around at clinics, houses of worship and other non-profits, and private therapists.

Yes, I am talking about her father, my husband.

My concern is that the history basically consists of one specific episode when she was 8 - and she's 27 now!

Maybe you have a very bad relationship with her, but I'd like to know the recent history.

She can't put her father in the middle if he refuses to allow himself to get caught up in the drama - if that is your question.

And, yes, there are all sorts of support groups out there for all sorts of things.

Has your daughter been diagnosed with behavior problems, shown any problems in school, or with her interactions with others?

I am more concerned with YOUR reactions to your adult children to be honest. A counselor can guide you to the resources and supports for this issue. Maybe a family doctor can refer you to a good person to discuss this issue with.

I have adult children too and well understand your concerns and emotional frustrations as they don't always "listen" or conform to my wishes, advice, or suggestions. Mine are a bit older than yours, and accepting their choices and behavior are hard and you can be overwhelmed and find difficulty coping with them.

There seems to be a long term area of conflict between you and your daughter and at some point you have to get control of your own emotions and reactions and let her pay for her own behavior. That also goes for your son as he is the one who has to deal with his sister in the best way for him.

Let go mom, they are grown, let them grow and learn and don't be drawn into their personal conflicts.

I agree that there are probably mental health issues at play here. She should have long ago stopped thinking of you as the enemy, and her brother as competition, and her father as the easiest to manipulate against you.

It does not sound like there has been any deliberate attempt to put her in less than equal footing with her brother. But, the fact that that point doesn't exist, yet she makes it an issue, speaks more to the fact that you are the perceived cause of all her problems. Which of course, is not true.

Because there has been such a long history of this behaviour, I have to ask if you have ever had her in any type of counselling or therapy. Have you ever approached your family doctor over her behaviour over the years.

She is 27 now, and should be able to answer for her own behaviour, and you should be in a position of not managing her continued accusations. I feel sorry for her brother too, who sounds like he's taken a lot of abuse over the years, likely even more without you knowing about it.

You and your husband will hopefully address this together, and learn how to manage the behaviour coming your way from her. Because she plays you off against her father, it is important that he be able to recognize the signs, and also how to deal with this when it happens.

Did she ever have problems growing up with establishing friendships? Was she a problem in school for the teachers as far as behaviour goes?

She was very rebellious around the age of 16, and whenever she couldn't do what she wanted, she'd threaten suicide. It was horrible for us. We tried counseling, but she thought the therapist took our side against her.

But I had to respect her feelings, and let her do what she felt she had to do to survive. We have supported her, and encouraged her, and tried our best to heal, and be there for her.
As far as her establishing friendships, she always said she didn't trust girls, and felt they were all catty and jealous. I seriously am wonderiing if she has NPD, Narcissist Personality Disorder, as I am reading up on it, and am pretty shocked at how so much of what it says is exactly what we are seeing in her. It's very sad because most narsissists will never see any fault in themselves, so it's very hard to deal with. I don't want to cut the relationship, but it's almost a question of feeding into the disorder, if I don't. I'm just hoping and praying we figure this out.

I know under the circumstances, that you are strong enough not to give up, and I applaud you for that. Slamming the door on someone who has possible mental health issues is counterproductive for all concerned. Including the baby.

Try to save looking for a diagnosis, on the internet. When you have a diagnosis, that is the time to learn all you can. You may be dealing with concurrent disorders here, and only a diagnosis can lead you in the right direction for treatment.

It is probably a good idea for you to see a counsellor yourself. Allow enough visits to get a good understanding of how you should view this situation with your daughter by speaking to someone face to face, who will listen.

This will help you (and your husband) understand enough and have the skills you need, to set boundaries and limits with your daughter.

When you can start losing some of the guilt, and change old patterns that have not worked in your relationship with your daughter, and take control of your own life, then you can effectively be better able to directly help your daughter.

One of the things you might want to start thinking about is the bottom line, and that is to get help for your daughter. Through knowledge and skill, along with boundaries and expectations, you will learn how to manage your relationship with her. One of the expectations might be a psychiatric assessment.

I doubt that without some sort of intervention, that she will come around, and there will be harmony with all concerned. But, I could be wrong. There is no way of knowing whether she has a mental illness, let alone, enough of her history to make a judgment call.

Either way, you need to know.

As someone who had an awful relationship with my mother from about the age of 12 until her 80s, I am wary of passing judgment on your daughter's behavior before she left home. Older siblings say all sorts of mean things much meaner than what she said to him about divorce! Goodness, I can remember my brother inventing all sorts of clever ways to scare me, such as a trail of coffee grinds out my door was 'fire ants' that would kill me starting at the ankles, and I stood there and wet my pjs. I have hundreds of such stories.

I was the goody-goody while my brother was a hellion, and he got away with everything, but I couldn't make her happy no matter what. She was actually coy with him, as though he was the 'man' my father wasn't. I'm pretty sure this isn't uncommon at all, and it's often not easily apparent. Your son 'gave you hell,' yet you say that forgivingly in the same sentence with how sweet he was and is. I imagine that was all going on at the same time that she got pregnant and gave birth! It's very possible that her feelings toward him are based on your indulgent feelings toward him.

But the big icing on the cake is your relationship with her daughter. I think that you have to accept that she will resent you for that, and it boggles my mind that you didn't mention it at first, instead of a rather petty little thing she said when she was 8.

We aren't hearing her side.

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Originally Posted by Jake2008

I know under the circumstances, that you are strong enough not to give up, and I applaud you for that. Slamming the door on someone who has possible mental health issues is counterproductive for all concerned. Including the baby.

Try to save looking for a diagnosis, on the internet. When you have a diagnosis, that is the time to learn all you can. You may be dealing with concurrent disorders here, and only a diagnosis can lead you in the right direction for treatment.

It is probably a good idea for you to see a counsellor yourself. Allow enough visits to get a good understanding of how you should view this situation with your daughter by speaking to someone face to face, who will listen.

This will help you (and your husband) understand enough and have the skills you need, to set boundaries and limits with your daughter.

When you can start losing some of the guilt, and change old patterns that have not worked in your relationship with your daughter, and take control of your own life, then you can effectively be better able to directly help your daughter.

One of the things you might want to start thinking about is the bottom line, and that is to get help for your daughter. Through knowledge and skill, along with boundaries and expectations, you will learn how to manage your relationship with her. One of the expectations might be a psychiatric assessment.

I doubt that without some sort of intervention, that she will come around, and there will be harmony with all concerned. But, I could be wrong. There is no way of knowing whether or not she has a mental illness, let alone, enough of her history to make a judgment call.

Either way, you need to know.

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Thanks so much. You make a lot of sense. I've had 3 or 4 counseling sessions already in the past 2 months. It's helping me. I realize I have to be in control and aware so that I can deal with this. I really have not " net- diagnosed", but I admit there's a strong similarity in her personality. Truth is, it's very hard to believe that there is a mental health issue, if there is. I keep questioning myself wondering if I just take things too seriously or personally. I'm in denial I guess. My counselor is focusing on my needs which is alien to me, but I am seeing the importance of it now. As for my daughter, she's living with my husbands family in another state. She's pretty much convinced them we are the problem and she's fine. She's madly in love and talking marriage with someone she met the first week she moved there after breaking it with the second fiancé the day she moved, over the phone, after 3 yr relationship

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Originally Posted by joypulv

As someone who had an awful relationship with my mother from about the age of 12 til her 80s, I am wary of passing judgment on your daughter's behavior before she left home. Older siblings say all sorts of mean things much meaner than what she said to him about divorce! Goodness, I can remember my brother inventing all sorts of clever ways to scare me, such as a trail of coffee grinds out my door was 'fire ants' that would kill me starting at the ankles, and I stood there and wet my pjs. I have hundreds of such stories.

I was the goody-goody while my brother was a hellion, and he got away with everything, but I couldn't make her happy no matter what. She was actually coy with him, as though he was the 'man' my father wasn't. I'm pretty sure this isn't uncommon at all, and it's often not easily apparent. Your son 'gave you hell,' yet you say that forgivingly in the same sentence with how sweet he was and is. I imagine that was all going on at the same time that she got pregnant and gave birth! It's very possible that her feelings toward him are based on your indulgent feelings toward him.

But the big icing on the cake is your relationship with her daughter. I think that you have to accept that she will resent you for that, and it boggles my mind that you didn't mention it at first, instead of a rather petty little thing she said when she was 8.

We aren't hearing her side.

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Geez, first let me say that I am sorry your older brother put you through such trauma. I'm sorry also that your mom didn't support you and treat you the way you deserved.
I didn't want to say much and didn't feel comfortable sharing many details. I'm new to this and wanted to keep it superficial as possible. I was actually answering Jake's and another's questions. I just saw your post now.
My son did start the pot habit at the same time we heard about what happened to her. I didn't want to get deep into that here, but believe me, it wasn't at all what you think. Lol. No. And I actually put him out of the house He wasn't coddled like you think. He turned his life around when we refused to enable him thankfully. What I was trying to share here, is how 2 children can feel so differently about their same parents. I get the feeling that you may have been perhaps projecting a bit over unresolved issues over your mom and brother. Ya know, I grew up in the same house with a bunch of older cousins, and they would play practical jokes, and goof around with me, but they never terrorized me the way it sounds like you were. I feel terrible hearing about what you experienced and the fact that no matter what you did, your mother didn't show the same love for you. That's so sad. Thanks for your time. I'm not here to sound petty. I was reaching out to get positive or constructive feedback. And I'm sorry I can't tell you her side because I really don't know that. That's why I'm here. I'm not trying to disparage my daughter. I do love her very much and would do anything for her. She's a beautiful young lady and everyone that knows her loves her. She's been through hell and I'm pretty sure it has a lot to do with how our relationship is I wish you well. Thanks again

Now you are misunderstanding me. I wasn't saying my brother was a monster; I was saying that he was just like many older siblings, including your daughter.
You asked why your daughter hates you. I was giving some possible reasons, and yes, I was projecting if you want to call it that, but just as an example. I knew that.
Like many parents, you say that you 'did everything you could' for her. That implies that you are completely puzzled by her actions now.
I would hope that you want to explore the family dynamic. I'm not saying I understand yours (couldn't begin, not hearing from your husband or children), but getting support from a group is only part of what I hope you do, because her pain hasn't stopped, and she sounds like a relationship train wreck with men. I imagine her feelings about her father have a lot to do with it too. I just hope that you find out for the sake of the whole family.

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Originally Posted by joypulv

Now you are misunderstanding me. I wasn't saying my brother was a monster; I was saying that he was just like many older siblings, including your daughter.
You asked why your daughter hates you. I was giving some possible reasons, and yes, I was projecting if you want to call it that, but just as an example. I knew that.
Like many parents, you say that you 'did everything you could' for her. That implies that you are completely puzzled by her actions now.
I would hope that you want to explore the family dynamic. I'm not saying I understand yours (couldn't begin, not hearing from your husband or children), but getting support from a group is only part of what I hope you do, because her pain hasn't stopped, and she sounds like a relationship train wreck with men. I imagine her feelings about her father have a lot to do with it too. I just hope that you find out for the sake of the whole family.

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Thanks very much.

Its natural and expected for parents to worry about there kids. But believe it or not parents also have a life, or should without the kids. The process of letting go and enjoying that new freedom doesn't happen over night.