Ask Me Help Desk - All my fault.

I'm a 20yr old Bi guy and I recently ruined a very good friendship of mine with another young man when I randomly kissed him. We had known each other for only a month and we're still currently stationed in at the same military base. When we first met he was extremely shy and reserved but would respond positively to my jokes and small talk. He is from a rural town in Arizona and I'm from the District of Columbia. We had a lot in common listened to the same music played the same games and had a lot of the same morals and beliefs. He eventually opened up after the second week and would frequently come over to my dorm to hangout after work. He would say things like "I really look forward all day to come over here with you". And "I'm so glad I have someone to talk to because my room is lonely aahhaha." We would walk to the store together, workout together and he would sleep over on the weekends everyday until Sunday night. It got to the point where I had to kind of ask him to please leave haha.

Eventually it started to turn into a very platonic friendship. He would jokingly grab and interlock our hands, he'd sit on my lap, and we would even sleep in the same bed (nothing sexual tho). My straight friends never acted like this. When I would grab and hold him he never said stop or get off me or would fight back like my straight friends. He would let me put my head on his shoulder and his chest. He never talked about girls I'm not exaggerating he wouldn't bring up ex's or scope out any random girls. I would bring up girls and he'd change the topic. Also whenever we were in a group of friends and I would get up to leave to go to another room, the bathroom, outside or to just answer a call he'd follow me. Our horsing around got to the point to where our other friends would say stop you two look like a damn couple. Of course I had developed feelings for him.

Then one day he came over and started the usual horseplay. He hugged me for a while and he pulled away I just instinctively kissed his neck and check. We were still holding each other and I put my forehead on his and looked him in the eyes. He looked away and had a sad sort of disgusted look on his face. After noticing that I pulled away and told him I had liked him. He said like how and I said like more than a friend. He was surprisingly calm. He didn't hit me or fight back or pull away the whole 5 minutes I was kissing him. He told me I was an awesome friend but that just wasn't him. He didn't say he was gay or straight he just said that. He even still wanted to walk with me to the store but then he said its OK I'll let you stay here and think. He said he would come back and never did.

I texted him that night and said I was truly sorry and I hope I didn't offend you. He didn't respond to that text that day or my next one the next day. He unfriended me on Facebook but left the pics of us up and still tagged. Now whenever I see him he acts like I don't exist. My friends say I should just leave him alone and not say anything until he says something to me first. I don't want a relationship with him I just want my friend back. I hurt everyday when I have to wake up and remember that I lost one of my really good friends because of my own selfishness and inconsiderations.

Please this is very serious to me and I want as much advice as I can get to make things right.

My advice is the same advice your friends gave you. What are you hoping for? You can't undo what happened, and you have tried to explain, and he might even understand but still doesn't want to be friends.
Try to understand HIM. In our modern society your horseplay and sitting on laps and hugging is very gay. But in other cultures and in our own American past, men often slept with other men just because beds weren't easy to get. Abraham Lincoln shared a bed with a man, and they kept up a close correspondence, and were very 'close' in ways that would be shockingly 'not straight' to most of us today but not 100 years ago.

Just leave him alone. You apologized and there is nothing more you can do.

Perhaps he has issues... maybe he is gay and doesn't want to admit it to himself... maybe you kissing him made him realize that he is scared to be gay... maybe, maybe, maybe... like others said, you apologized and did what you can do. It's time to just let go.

Sucks maybe to lose a friend, but I think what's needed is to back away and let him do the thinking. I have seen this same reaction with girls who just want a friendship and run when they find you want a bit more. He lost a friend too you know, so let the dust settle and see what happen further down the road.

I think he is protecting you more than anything and giving you time to see for yourself that the more ain't happening. This happens with friends when lines are crossed and it ruins things for a while but I think if you are cool you can make a better more believable case later for yourself.

That is if indeed you can be just friends going forward because for now I doubt it and it will be very awkward between you. Recognize all that horseplay and wrestling together and even innocent touching may never be allowed again if you do reconnect.

You apologized so for now do nothing but focus on dealing with what has happened in a positive mature way. None of that broken hearted emotional display stuff. Been better to leave your friends out of this.

I would have acted like nothing happened and went to the store with my friend. That would have sent a signal you can handle yourself.

Good luck and keep us posted if you can.

Everyone has offered some really good advice. So use it and let us know what happens. Also learn from this situation. Don't rush a friendship or relationship too fast. You need to take the time to get to know the person really well. You weren't there yet and have apparently overstepped the boundaries.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Oliver2011

Everyone has offered some really good advice. So use it and let us know what happens. Also learn from this situation. Don't rush a friendship or relationship too fast. You need to take the time to get to know the person really well. You weren't there yet and have apparently overstepped the boundaries.

Well it's been 3 months since that day. Whenever he sees me he looks really sad or scared. He walks alone a lot and looks lonely. I still haven't tried to talk to him or anything. I don't even try to look for him, or in his direction anymore. He'll avoid me in the lunch line even when I don't look or acknowledge that he's there. I've become somewhat of a recluse. I see how that one action changed my life course. My other friends hangout with other groups now because I'm so withdrawn now. I know its not their fault its mine. I've definitely learned my lesson, and I thank you guys for not being judgmental or rude. We were such great friends. He told me a lot of personal things and I feel so bad that betrayed his trust but all I can do is keep living.

Quote:

Originally Posted by edmondson3

Well it's been 3 months since that day. Whenever he sees me he looks really sad or scared. He walks alone a lot and looks lonely. I still haven't tried to talk to him or anything. I don't even try to look for him, or in his direction anymore. He'll avoid me in the lunch line even when I don't look or acknowledge that he's there. I've become somewhat of a recluse. I see how that one action changed my life course. My other friends hangout with other groups now because I'm so withdrawn now. I know its not their fault its mine. I've definitely learned my lesson, and I thank you guys for not being judgmental or rude. We were such great friends. He told me a lot of personal things and I feel so bad that betrayed his trust but all I can do is keep living.

First off I am gay so judgmental in this situation I will never be.

Second thing - This guy may be in a world of internal conflict over who he is. He might have gay/bi feelings that he doesn't understand and he doesn't know what to do about them. Unfortuately if he doesn't want help with those feelings, assuming he is in turmoil, there's not much you can do other than being yourself.

Third - STOP beating yourself up over this. You got close to someone, took a chance, and it didn't work out. Your world is not ending and you will be okay.

Fourth & Most Important - "I've become somewhat of a recluse" - wrong answer. That is not the best approach and that is not what you should be doing. Get out there and have fun. Be yourself. If he sees the you that he liked, then maybe he will start talking to you again. If he doesn't others will start talking to you and you will make new friends.

Rejection in relationships, regardless if it is a friendship or more than a friendship, happens. You need to just pick up the pieces and move forward. If he decides he never wants to talk to you again, then make it his issue and not yours. I promise you that you will be OK!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Oliver2011

First off I am gay so judgmental in this situation I will never be.

Second thing - This guy may be in a world of internal conflict over who he is. He might have gay/bi feelings that he doesn't understand and he doesn't know what to do about them. Unfortuately if he doesn't want help with those feelings, assuming he is in turmoil, there's not much you can do other than being yourself.

Third - STOP beating yourself up over this. You got close to someone, took a chance, and it didn't work out. Your world is not ending and you will be okay.

Fourth & Most Important - "I've become somewhat of a recluse" - wrong answer. That is not the best approach and that is not what you should be doing. Get out there and have fun. Be yourself. If he sees the you that he liked, then maybe he will start talking to you again. If he doesn't others will start talking to you and you will make new friends.

Rejection in relationships, regardless if it is a friendship or more than a friendship, happens. You need to just pick up the pieces and move forward. If he decides he never wants to talk to you again, then make it his issue and not yours. I promise you that you will be ok!!

Well I took your advise and took some much needed leave back home to Virginia for the 4th of July and had a blast! Lmao, I'm not going to lie I partied hard, saw good old friends again, and got a speeding ticket (no charges or jail time). It was absolutely great haha! Not only did I not get in trouble with my commander, but they also let me off with a warning! (won't happen the HELL again.)

Also my friend who started to hang with others replied to my message of understanding her reason for avoiding me for being so gloomy I said I don't blame her and that I'm off that crap. She said" We'll yea I didn't have time for that negativity, and I was just giving you some much needed space lol". We hangout now again and act as if nothing changed.

It has also been almost 3 months since then. Then I received a random text at 2am one night. I usually get these from drunk friends or people looking for the previous hispanic owner of my phone. It said "I'm sorry for doing what I did, I just didn't know what to do." I replied as a reflex "Lol who is this haha?" then rolled back over. I jerked out of my sleep extremely afraid remembering that number. I was so afraid, 20 minutes went by, but I managed to reply "I'm so sorry I read things wrong it wasn't your fault it was mine." quickly I received "It's cool. You're a good friend." It was very odd because I started to cry involuntarily as if almostit wa a reflex. I replied "Man you don't know how sorry I've been this whole time hahaha... " he replied " It's no problem. No need to be sorry. What have you been up to this weekend?" I just wanted to be friends again, I can't believe he actually came around again. I was ready, and moving on with my life. I never even texted or acknowledged him like you all said.

Now we act as if nothing happened. We don't horseplay around anymore, and honestly I wouldn't allow him if he initiated it. We're even better friends now. This is all I wanted was my best friend back. I don't even think of him in a romantic sense at all. I've also gotten a lot of attention on a local dating website which is REALLY helping hahaha. I don't know if you believe in God but if you do and when you pass and stand before him, Oliver2011 and everyone else here can all say confidently that you honestly helped at least one individual during your time on Earth. I thank you from the bottom of my heart this meant so much to me. I mean it with my everything when I say this Thank You.

You're very welcome and I am glad things worked out for you. Regardless of what happens, who comes and goes in your life, just continue being yourself and you will be fine.

Good story. We need a few more of those around here! Maybe you could help others here too.