Ask Me Help Desk - Falling out with a friend

Falling out with a friend

My best friend and I had a massive falling out. It started when he asked me to go see a movie and I told him I can pick him up after my dinner with another friend. Then during dinner he texted me and told me he's bringing two other women I have never met before to join us. I was upset because he should have at least asked me if it's OK before inviting them since I am the one providing transportation. I texted him cancelling our movie and saying my dinner ran long and for them to have fun. He texted me saying they can't go because I am not going. I did not respond. Then I emailed him that night detailing why I was so upset with him and that I felt like I was being used. He was so mad at me, stating I am being too sensitive and dramatic. He refused to talk to me about the problem even though that was how we resolved our issues before. He said he doesn't want to see me or talk to me and that he needs a break and space from me. He said that my attitude is turning him off. I don't understand why he was so mad when he was the rude one for inviting people without asking me. Just to be clear, this is a totally platonic relationship. He is gay so there is no way this can ever be romantic. I already tried to apologize 3x and he still won't budge. I don't know what to do. Thanks!

You leave him to do his own thinking for himself, and go about your merry business. You have done your part, now he must do his.

But was he right? Was I too sensitive about it or was I correct in saying it was rude for him to invite people without checking with me? Even though it doesn't matter because I ended up apologizing to save the friendship, I am curious though.
Thanks!

That's the way you felt so he crossed a line. I would be mad too.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

That's the way you felt so he crossed a line. I would be mad too.

Thanks for the input! I appreciate it :)

Were these added invitees people you know and part of your "crowd"? Or were they friends of his mostly? In any event, he had no business inviting them without asking you first, so I too believe the fault is on his end. Let him stew in his own juices for a while to see if he realizes what he did.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Were these added invitees people you know and part of your "crowd"? or were they friends of his mostly? In any event, he had no business inviting them without asking you first, so I too believe the fault is on his end. Let him stew in his own juices for a while to see if he realizes what he did.

Oh no, these invitees are people I have never met before and he only met them 4 days prior. So they were strangers to me and almost strangers to him as well.
He said since he invited me to the movies and he didn't say that it's just us that he can invite whoever he wants and he doesn't need my permission.
Well, to me, since it's my car... he should have asked me first.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jaidjen

Well, to me, since it's my car...he should have asked me first.

And you certainly don't want to end up as everyone's taxi service...

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

And you certainly don't want to end up as everyone's taxi service....

Exactly! Omg! I've been wracking my brain trying to figure out if maybe I was too sensitive about it especially because he is super mad at me up to now. And I don't get why!
Thanks for the input :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by jaidjen

Exactly! Omg! I've been wracking my brain trying to figure out if maybe I was too sensitive about it especially because he is super mad at me up to now. And I don't get why!

He's mad at you because the ride he promised his new friends suddenly disappeared and he is embarrassed about it ("I'm a bad new friend!"). He hasn't yet gotten around to being mad at himself for what he did to you. He is thinking about how HE feels, not about how you must feel. Empathy is currently not his strong point.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

He's mad at you because the ride he promised his new friends suddenly disappeared and he is embarrassed about it ("I'm a bad new friend!"). He hasn't yet gotten around to being mad at himself for what he did to you. He is thinking about how HE feels, not about how you must feel. Empathy is currently not his strong point.

Somebody told me that too! That he's likely embarrassed because he had to look for another ride for his new friends.
For now I think I'm done trying to fix this friendship. I already apologized even though I did not need to and he's obviously more selfish than I thought him to be. Just disappointed because I thought he was better than that :(

Quote:

Originally Posted by jaidjen

Just disappointed because I thought he was better than that :(

For whatever reason, he must have been trying to impress these new friends and bring them into his circle, and maybe got razzed by them when their ride didn't happen as he had promised. Just think! You might have had to come up with popcorn for everyone too! -- so you dodged a bullet.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

For whatever reason, he must have been trying to impress these new friends and bring them into his circle, and maybe got razzed by them when their ride didn't happen as he had promised. Just think! You might have had to come up with popcorn for everyone too! -- so you dodged a bullet.

Lol! I actually wouldn't doubt that because I usually end up paying for him when we go to the movies...
Something about not having cash on him when he knows the theater is a cash only establishment. The more I talk about this the more I realized that maybe I am being used... Sigh...

Quote:

Originally Posted by jaidjen

The more I talk about this the more I realized that maybe I am being used... Sigh...

Well, I think you are terrific and also a good writer. (We like good writers here.) You look for the best in people and I hope aren't disappointed too often. Don't change, but be careful that you don't get used either.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Well, I think you are terrific and also a good writer. (We like good writers here.) You look for the best in people and I hope aren't disappointed too often. Don't change, but be careful that you don't get used either.

Thanks so much for listening to me! I really appreciate the input :) I am so glad I found this forum!

I just found out from our boss (I work pt and he works ft in the same job) that he's been asking him and other people lately what my schedule is and when I work. They all think it's because he's in love with me. Nobody knows we are fighting and he's also in the closet at work. I think it's so he can avoid working with me. But that is just too dramatic... even for him. So I had to come up with some excuse to my boss why he was acting that way about my schedule.
I don't think our work needs to know about our personal issues... at least it's not going to come from me if they found out.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jaidjen

I don't think our work needs to know about our personal issues...at least it's not going to come from me if they found out.

Smart lady! Let him continue to work through this.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Smart lady! Let him continue to work through this.

I will. Thanks so much!

He's my closest friend in the world and I hate this feeling of wanting to talk and vent because I am not OK but the person I usually talk to is the person I am now living without.
He asked me to give him space and I am respecting that. I have not contacted him even though there is nothing else I'd rather do. It is difficult and heartbreaking and my other friends don't understand. Yes, it is not like we were dating, but to have this big of a rift over something so shallow is heartbreaking to me.
I just miss my best friend and I don't know how long I can handle not contacting him but I know I have to
:(

Quote:

Originally Posted by jaidjen

He's my closest friend in the world and I hate this feeling of wanting to talk and vent because I am not ok but the person I usually talk to is the person I am now living without.
He asked me to give him space and I am respecting that. I have not contacted him eventhough there is nothing else I'd rather do. It is difficult and heartbreaking and my other friends don't understand. Yes, it is not like we were dating, but to have this big of a rift over something so shallow is heartbreaking to me.
I just miss my best friend and I don't know how long I can handle not contacting him but I know I have to
:(

I'd contact him and send him a link to this thread. That way he can read how he feels, and how total strangers feel about what he did. May be the best way to make him understand.