My man would get things started a few times daily up until about 2 months ago. I've tried everything. Little outfits, the surprise, toys, I mean everything. He can't seem to talk to me respectfully and just doesn't want any part of being affectionate at all in any way.

I have a deep gut feeling there is someone else but I asked him once and he assured me I am it. But I am not happy and I love him. I do not want to say **** it and give up! Please help.

Desi, how long have you been together?

The first thing to do is to take a step back and look at the big picture. Issues in the bedroom usually have their beginnings in other areas.

You say that he doesn't seem to be able to talk respectfully to you and doesn't want to be affectionate. Did those issues begin before or after the sex stopped? If after, then they may be due to frustration and the feeling that if he is affectionate you will want more than he is wanting to give.

Have you sat down with him and calmly asked if everything is okay?

Do you know of anything that might have happened two months ago that might have affected his libido? Medical issues, medications, stress at work/school, family issues, pregnancy scare, etc. can all affect a person's libido.

Sometimes a person just doesn't feel like having sex. It doesn't mean they don't care or the relationship is failing. Sometimes when there is a change in what has been 'normal' people can overreact and put pressure on their partner because they are afraid. That fear and pressure can cause more problems than there already were.

Something that helps some couples is to show affection when you aren't expecting sex. Holding hands, a quick kiss, etc. Show him that it is safe to show affection and you aren't going to try to seduce him if he gives you a hug.

If you want to give the relationship a chance, let the insecurities go. Back off and try talking to him when both of you are calm and there are few distractions. Listen to what he says. If you don't understand what he is saying ask for clarification. By communicating, you may find out there are things bothering him that have nothing to do with you, but are causing him to pull back. Try working together. It may mean that you need to back off and allow him to deal with his issues, but you can give him support while he does.

With all that said, if he won't talk with you or giving him some space and time doesn't help, you may need to decide if you want to put more energy into the relationship. Is it worth it to you?

This is our second attempt at this we have been together exactly 6 months today.. Thank you for the advice anf yes I have calmly talked about my feeling multiple times with him and its always the same thing he says "not doing this right now " ot he will find some reason to be mad at mefor something but no more than 10 minutes after I posted this he woke up and kissed me in a way he hasn't in a long time anf he got intimate ! And firat thing this morning he actually talked to me avout all this.. It was on his way to work but he still talked for a few . And as I was getting out of the car he actually said we will finiah this tonight when he gets off! I couldn't of asked for anything more that's all I wanted was fpr him to listen and respond not react.. Wow.. Hope I. Not getting

I think you are worried about the wrong thing - sex, intimacy - and not what stuck me - " He can't seem to talk to me respectfully ..."

I'm not sure the problem here is "just" sex - or the lack thereof!

OK? Go on and tell me your thoughts

“ok?? Go on and tell me your thoughts”

My concern is your wording - “ He can't seem to talk to me respectfully... "

I would be very concerned about being in a relationship with a man who doesn’t treat you with respect, and that includes the manner in which he talks to you. That borders on abuse. Maybe he rolls over some mornings and he’s ready for sex. Maybe some morning he isn’t. Maybe he doesn’t want to talk about it. That’s one issue.

But talking to you in a disrespectful manner? That will only get worse.

I agree and that's one of our biggest fights is for him to talk nicer to me . He is just so snappy anf short with me and it drives me nuts I'm constantly telling him "i am supposed to be your girlfriend and i want to be treated as such" other than doing the ouvious and calling it quits what else can I try.

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

“ok?? Go on and tell me your thoughts”

My concern is your wording - “ He can't seem to talk to me respectfully ..."

I would be very concerned about being in a relationship with a man who doesn’t treat you with respect, and that includes the manner in which he talks to you. That borders on abuse. Maybe he rolls over some mornings and he’s ready for sex. Maybe some morning he isn’t. Maybe he doesn’t want to talk about it. That’s one issue.

But talking to you in a disrespectful manner? That will only get worse.

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If you're threatening to leave and don't leave you've lost all credibility. What else can you try? I have no idea. If the choices are put up with it and stay or don't put up with it and go, those are your two choices and only you know which is best for you.

Maybe he's trying to drive you away; maybe it's something else. Presumably he knows.

I wouldn't even mention the girlfriend part. I'd tell him not to talk to me like that and remove myself from the conversation.

Ive nevwr threatned to leave we aren't living together I am at the point of giving up

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

If you're threatening to leave and don't leave you've lost all credibility. What else can you try? I have no idea. If the choices are put up with it and stay or don't put up with it and go, those are your two choices and only you know which is best for you.

Maybe he's trying to drive you away; maybe it's something else. Presumably he knows.

I wouldn't even mention the girlfriend part. I'd tell him not to talk to me like that and remove myself from the conversation.

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I would leave.

If he can't treat with respect or actually talk to you then it isn't worth your time. It is as simple as that. The fact that he can't talk to you is what stands out to me. "I don't want to do this now." When is a good time? Honestly? The fact that he's disrespectful is a nail in the coffin.

The first nail, in my opinion, is that this is the SECOND time you've tried this relationship. What caused it to fall apart the first time around? Do you honestly, in your deepest of hearts, think he has changed?

There are too many warning flags and it is only six months in. Dump him and move along.

Yes he has changed we both havd . Him and I uaed to be into drugs and all sorts of illegal crap... He then went back to prision and a month or two later I was looking at 21 felonies and a 10year sentence. Instead I fought for drugcourt and graduated that program and bettered myself I've been clean 3 years 4 months . So yes I do believe he has changed he I is clean and sober working 75-80hours a week and his job is legit . Ao in my opinion wr are totally differe t people

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Originally Posted by CravenMorhead

I would leave.

If he can't treat with respect or actually talk to you then it isn't worth your time. It is as simple as that. The fact that he can't talk to you is what stands out to me. "I don't want to do this now." When is a good time? Honestly? The fact that he's disrespectful is a nail in the coffin.

The first nail, in my opinion, is that this is the SECOND time you've tried this relationship. What caused it to fall apart the first time around? Do you honestly, in your deepest of hearts, think he has changed?

There are too many warning flags and it is only six months in. Dump him and move along.

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Something is wrong here - totally different writing style.

Two people, one screen name?

Talaniman did edit the initial post a little for Clarity sake, but you do have a point. The initial post seems much clearer than the subsequent posts.

If u are referring to mh screen name no just me . Why? Does my typing sound like multiple people ?

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Originally Posted by CravenMorhead

Talaniman did edit the initial post a little for Clarity sake, but you do have a point. The initial post seems much clearer than the subsequent posts.

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Why don't you try spending some time apart from him. Go out with friends relax your mind, go swimming and if he calls you tell him how you feel and how you want things to chance. You have to demand respect.

I so badly want to stoop to his level I would talk to him with disrespect,ignore him, snap at him but I whont . I am a firm believer on "treat people how u want to be treated" just wanted to say thank you and I am so glad I stumbled on to this site.

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Originally Posted by bkiss

why don't you try spending some time apart from him. go out with friends relax your mind, go swimming and if he calls you tell him how you feel and how you want things to chance. you have to demand respect.

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Originally Posted by desi1030

If u are refering to mh screen name no just me . Why? Does my typing sound like multiple people ?

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Truthfully it does. The initial post was better written and had a more concise feeling to it. The subsequent posts have been different, less polished. It is odd.

I would be appreciated if you took the extra few minutes and articulate your thoughts and use the best grammar and spelling you have. It makes it easier for us to understand as there are some of us for whom English isn't their primary language.

As former drunks and addicts then you both know what to do when you are restless, irritable and are in discontent. Remove yourself or get help, and I can tell you that a guy working 75/80 hours a week is in no mood to be affectionate.

Its not at all unusual for former addicts to grow apart once they get sobriety either. I think you look beyond the feelings and see the facts because adjustments can be made. You aren't happy and are ready to bail but why does he bear responsibility for YOUR happiness?

How many hours a week do you work? For sure I think your lack of attention is a symptom of a bigger issue in other areas of the relationship. Look around.

This is impossible.
You don't live together.
He works 75-80 hours a week.
Yet he would 'get things started a few times daily.'

How do 2 people who don't live together and work that much have that much sex?
PLUS, you expect that after the initial romance (in your case, about 4 months) sexual desire cools down from 'a few times a DAY' to something more like a few times a week, despite toys and outfits. And I still don't see even that when someone puts in that many work hours...
I too worry about the change in your writing style and hope you didn't fall off the wagon.

Her writing style has not changed. Not one bit.