"R" and I started seeing each other 8 months ago. The sex is out of this world amazing. I have had questions on where this is going. He never really has a definitive answer. He has things he needs to take care of in his life and will not "date" me until I take care of things on my end (divorce/child support/etc). A month or so ago, he had pulled back a lot and when I brought it up he told me, "this is something I would expect from a girl friend, we are not in that type of relationship right now." I have also said something along the lines of, "I'm just another notch in your belt." Which he denies and says, he just doesn't know where it is going at this time, with everything going on (he got a new job, 3 hours away). When I found out he would be moving, he told me that I was free to date other men, but didn't want to cut ties with me (this was 5 months ago). This is confusing and I would love any advice there, but that is not my question.

Since he has had to be out of town a lot more and a girl does have needs, "R" told me to find a guy to sleep with, make sure "R" knows ahead of time, and take pics/video. "R" is the only one that gets to see these and I won't be "dating" these other guys. Just sex. He thinks it would be hot, fun play, since we are apart.

I found a guy, told "R" about it, then had a tentative time for the guy to come over. He was on call and never showed (no big deal to me). "R" said, well, guess he missed his chance. So in reality, "R" has control. It is exciting in a way.

I started more conversation on this subject, he told me, "play by my rules and this can be a lot of fun, don't and you can find someone else." I asked him if it bothered him that another man would have been sleeping with me, "no." I asked if he would want to be doing the same, "maybe." So I said, the rules apply both ways then.

I find this fun and exciting (I like him being in control in the bedroom), and then again... is this weird? Is this normal? We both have a kinky side and the sex brought us completely to a new level.

AND, I will talk to him about this, but I need to give it a little time... this basically means we are exclusively sleeping with each other, when do I ask for the exclusivity outside of the bedroom? To me, he is basically my boyfriend. We talk about everything in our lives. He knows about things even my best friend doesn't know about. We talk/text ALL DAY, EVERYDAY. With this new arrangement, he has control over my sex, does this mean I date or not? (again I will talk to him about this, but I have to wait a little bit and I just want to hear other people's opinion).

Thanks!!

Its really simple, don't go along with his program and he has no control over your sex life. Its your sex life so why make a "friends with benefits" sex partner your love boss?

He ain't your boyfriend and you are not exclusive and it doesn't matter how YOU see things. He said so in words, and actions. Ignore it at your own peril.

Simply put... do you want your sex life viewed all over the Internet? Just soak that up for a few minutes.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

its really simple, don't go along with his program and he has no control over your sex life. Its your sex life so why make a "friends with benefits" sex partner your love boss?

He ain't your boyfriend and you are not exclusive and it doesn't matter how YOU see things. He said so in words, and actions. Ignore it at your own peril.

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Ha, Ha-"love boss," I like that.

I don't mind that he has control of who I might have relations with. It's fun and in all honesty, I would rather know what he is doing, rather than wondering what is going on.

We aren't exclusive, but with all of the things that happen outside of the bedroom, it makes me think it is more than FWB. Although it was a brief encounter, I have met his child (our boys are the same age). There was a morning that I was running errands and mentioned I was at his favorite coffee place. He invited me to come to his house and have coffee with his parents (which I declined). This is something out of the norm of FWB to me. It's not just "hey, how have you been? That's good. Drop your pants." FWB don't really know what the other person makes on salary, they don't show each other the updates they did to their bathroom, know each others parent's names/jobs/lifestyles, share a membership to places. He's loaned me a computer while he fixed mine... at least to me these are not a FWB sort of thing. (although every time I see him, we do have sex).

I am questioning on whether I should request an exclusive relationship or no more at all, if he wants to control the sexual part of my life. He seems to be like "ok, if I don't have my way, then you can go away." If that makes sense. If I am not important enough to make sure I am not just thrust aside, why would I want to be with him? The other side of the coin is that he IS very attentive and we do talk all the time. He doesn't want to cut ties or stop anything.

If he gets control of whom I see, then in reality, I am not open to pursue other relationships. And if he isn't wanting a relationship with me, then this is a dead end street.

Just looking for outside opinion.

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Originally Posted by J_9

Simply put.... do you want your sex life viewed all over the Internet? Just soak that up for a few minutes.

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I can say that I trust him completely to not do something like that, without asking first. We have talked immensely on trust within a relationship and what happens when that has been crossed.

It has been said that it is for him and him only. The other person doesn't even get to keep any of the media recorded.

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He seems to be like "ok, if I don't have my way, then you can go away."

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Makes perfect sense for a control freak, and sure he wants to keep his benefits too, but he doesn't mind you screwing around under his terms that add to his benefits. You have written nothing that shows that he wants anything but FWB, even though you seem to think he can be exclusive, but he obviously doesn't want what you want even if you are a GOOD FWB. Maybe that's one of his kinks.


Can you blame a guy who wants no exclusive commitment with a female that has unresolved issues?

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He has things he needs to take care of in his life and will not "date" me until I take care of things on my end (divorce/child support/etc). A month or so ago, he had pulled back a lot and when I brought it up he told me, "this is something I would expect from a girl friend, we are not in that type of relationship right now."

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He for sure isn't looking to make you a girl friend, so its just good kinky sex. To think otherwise would be a mistake given what you have written. But if you allow him to control your life and ex with others, that's your business. Good luck with him obeying YOUR rules though.

This is going to be harsh, but it comes from someone who is submissive in the bedroom. Being kinky is one thing. Ignoring the threat to your home and future is another.

You are playing a very dangerous game. You appear to be in the middle of divorce and child support (and custody?) arrangements and you think making sex tapes with strangers for your ''love boss" is safe and sane behavior?

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AND, I will talk to him about this, but I need to give it a little time...this basically means we are exclusively sleeping with each other, when do I ask for the exclusivity outside of the bedroom? To me, he is basically my boyfriend. We talk about everything in our lives. He knows about things even my best friend doesn't know about. We talk/text ALL DAY, EVERYDAY. With this new arrangement, he has control over my sex, does this mean I date or not? (again I will talk to him about this, but I have to wait a little bit and I just want to hear other people's opinion).

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This is not 'exclusivity in the bedroom' because he is wanting you to have sex with other men so he can get off. He also probably has a few other 'pets' to play with. Men have their needs, too. (Do you get videos of the other women he is playing with?) This is about turning you into a porn star. He says now it won't go any farther than him, but don't bet on it if he gets upset or you disobey him.

Here is a very big question for you: What happens if your (hopefully) soon-to-be ex-husband finds out? How nice have the divorce proceedings been up to this point?

I want you to think about how he took control of your sex life with him. I will almost bet it was little by little until now you are willing to be used and use others as adult toys for his pleasure. Do you really think that is where it will end? He has built up your trust so that you wouldn't dare question anything he says. So what happens when he pulls a little harder on the leash and places the hoop just a little higher. One picture on an obscure website wouldn't hurt, would it? Especially if you don't know about it.

Take all the risks you want but go into it with your eyes open. He won't be the one taking the fall.

My opinion this is not normal. Obviously he doesn't care about you. If I care about someone the last thing I want to see is them with another person. That is all I am saying. This is not normal

If you did not have children and was not in middle of divorce, we each have our own sexual desires and if you want movies that can be shared with others ( I am sure he does that too, to prove he has control) does not matter what others think.

So normal, not in the majority of people, but then many sexual ways of living is not normal to majority of people. You have to decide what you want and then do it.

But this is not a boyfriend, and I doubt he ever will be, he will be just a sex partner. And what he asks will get more and more, perhaps multiple partners latter.

This sounds nuts to me. First, you're working through a divorce and child support, and are having a sexual affair with someone else. While many states are no-fault, this behavior can make a character impression on a judge and you are really kind of dumb to put yourself in this situation when you are involved or about to be involved in legal actions with your husband pertaining to children.

Second, this guy is going to either use these images to blackmail you or to control you or to embarrass you, or will just post them for his own thrills. As another poster said, just let that sink in a bit. You want a sex tape out there for your husband, your minor children, your parents, your friends, your old boyfriends, future husband, your JUDGE to see? Why on God's green earth would you do that? And if you record this without the consent of the man you're having sex with, I believe you could face criminal charges as well.

Then there's the puppeteering of this guy in your life. You have sex with him and can have sex with other men for his own sexual gratification - because he wants to watch it and have the photographic evidence for sale or blackmail purposes. He doesn't want a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship and he also moved hours away, but he doesn't want you to date other people?

Is this normal? Absolutely not. It's very perverse.

I agree with all the others that have posted.

I just have to add, if you do this, I'll see you on YouTube, I'd bet money on it. What will your children's teachers, and the parents of their friends, think when they see your sex tapes? Take a lesson from all the people that have agreed to do this, thinking it would never ever become public, that now have their sex tapes for sale and on any site that's willing to post it.

You've known this guy for 8 months! He's not even willing to call you his girlfriend. Why are you even considering doing this? Love is blind, it doesn't have to be stupid too.

I am new to this website and was randomly browsing, but I wanted to echo everyone else's sentiments. I also want to add that, even in the best case scenario--that he does NOT broadcast your images/videos--he is playing a very manipulative and dangerous game. He's essentially getting all of his emotional and sexual needs satisfied from you without having to reciprocate. You provide not only sexual gratification, but you're a friend and confidante... all without him having to make any kind of commitment to you, while you are standing ready to commit 100%.

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He has things he needs to take care of in his life and will not "date" me until I take care of things on my end (divorce/child support/etc). A month or so ago, he had pulled back a lot and when I brought it up he told me, "this is something I would expect from a girl friend, we are not in that type of relationship right now."

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To me, he is basically my boyfriend. We talk about everything in our lives. He knows about things even my best friend doesn't know about. We talk/text ALL DAY, EVERYDAY.

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There will always be things that both parties to a romantic relationship have to "take care of." Committing to someone should not be contingent upon the completion of a divorce (when you're already separated), a degree, a job transition, etc. especially seeing as you two already behave as partners. You've developed what appears to be a full-blown romantic relationship with him. The only difference is that he refuses to label it as such. If he can't commit now, the likelihood that he will down the line is grim.

In my opinion, this situation doesn't sound like an issue about sex/a physical relationship at all (after all, he is happy to see you having sex with other men), this is about dominance and control. He has already gained a tremendous amount of trust from you to the point where you have no qualms sending him documentation of having sex with other men, puts you at risk of STDs, sexual assault, pregnancy, personal reputation, etc. It also sounds like you've divulged all sorts of sensitive personal information. As much as you trust him, keep in mind that you are putting yourself in an incredibly vulnerable position, to which he refuses to do likewise. I'm sorry, but that is not boyfriend/life partner material to me.

People are sometimes incredibly unpredictable. You have known him a short 8 months. Things might be going well now, but unless you have been around to watch the relationship go awry but also witness its repair, I don't think complying with all of his rules is a wise decision if he is so unwilling to compromise.

Also, I think someone already mentioned that there can be legal ramifications for filming/photographing sexual partners without their permission. I would be especially cautious of that; a potential lawsuit is the last thing you want on your hands.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Makes perfect sense for a control freak, and sure he wants to keep his benefits too, but he doesn't mind you screwing around under his terms that add to his benefits. You have written nothing that shows that he wants anything but FWB, even though you seem to think he can be exclusive, but he obviously doesn't want what you want even if you are a GOOD FWB. Maybe that's one of his kinks.


Can you blame a guy who wants no exclusive commitment with a female that has unresolved issues?



He for sure isn't looking to make you a girl friend, so its just good kinky sex. To think otherwise would be a mistake given what you have written. But if you allow him to control your life and ex with others, that's your business. Good luck with him obeying YOUR rules though.

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I do see what you are saying. My "issues" are almost completely resolved.

What I don't understand is how a person that wouldn't want a relationship talk to you about everything, share funny pictures of his child, hold you close for no reason, etc. Why would you do that if you were not wanting to pursue something more than friends?

That's only part of the friends with benefits game. By being better friends it just make the benefits that much sweeter. Fun with no commitments or exclusivity is the rule.

Being nice doesn't mean more love just better benefits. More benefits.

I'm an investigator - I get called in when photos, videos, are posted on the Internet. I have never once been called in when the victim hasn't said, "He wouldn't do that. We had an understanding." Apparently only one of the parties had the understanding because the other one was busy publicizing the affair.

You entered into a friends with benefits situation with your eyes wide open. Now you want more and he doesn't. No surprise there.

I am likewise surprised that there is child custody involved.

I assume when you say "sleeping" you are referring to having sex. Perhaps if you thought less in terms of "sleeping" and more in terms of "sex" this would come into focus. I won't even preach about pregnancy and STDs. Of course the friends with benefits person doesn't care who you are having sex with - he's not in a relationship with you. You are a sex partner when he feels the need. Otherwise do what you want.

No surprises in this thread.