On March 28th at 4:30 a.m. I woke to a silence in the house. I didn't see the man whom I was going to marry in just a few more days. I got up and walked to the door it was unlocked. I thought maybe he had left to get something. I went to lay back down and I noticed the basement door wide open and a light coming from the basement. This was odd, no one went to the basement no more. I got up and walked down the stairs. I looked to the right and seen his bungee jumping equipment out. I thought he must be going through his stuff. I then turned to the left and walked into a room that was lite up very bright. I seen the man of my life hanging from the rafter in the basement. I admittedly thought he was okay to just get him down and I ran to him. I grabbed the rope and pulled it away from his neck. At that time he fell backwards and I will never forget the sound that echoed through the house. His eyes was open but he was cold and so stiff. He was already gone and I didn't know what to do. I ran upstairs to get my phone and tried to call my mom repeatedly and she didn't answer so I called 911. I can't remember much from that point on. I have been angry, I have been sad, I have blamed myself but now I want to die. I always told him that if he killed his self that I would do the same. I want to cause I want to be with him but I have two children who are lost and in pain and I don't want to hurt them the same way. I need help. I have no idea how to deal with all of this. When I close my eyes I see HIM hanging there all the memories the happy ones are gone. All I can see is what has happened since the laughter and I want to remember him for who he was. I am haunted by this image everyday and I need someone anyone to help me to just talk to me to lend me a ear. I have no support. (that is a whole different thing) I just need someone please help me please I need someone. Please help me understand how to deal with this!! I have went to therapy and they tried something of me reliving that night over and over again until I could process it but then it came back. I have been blamed from his family for him doing this. I just need someone to tell me what to do cause I am out of options.

First and foremost I would like to offer my condolences and tell you how sorry I am for you. I could not imagaine losing the love of my life nor be the one to find him. I am terribly sorry that you have had to experience this.

Now I would like to say that death for you is not the answer. Escpecially if you have 2 children who love and need you so. I recommend grief consuling to help you through this very roughtime in your life. And if ever you feel you need to take your life to be with your fiancé remember that you have two children that need you now and you will soon be reunited with your love.

My heart breaks for you. You already said you know that joining him in death is not the answer. It must be very, very difficult to stay strong for your children.

Grief takes time. Everyone grieves in a different fashion, on a different timetable.

Losing your partner is beyond description. To everyone who told me they knew how I felt, they didn't know. Losing a parent and then coming home after the funeral to a husband and/or family is a whole lot different from coming home to an empty house. I'm sure you know that.

If you've never been widowed (which you technically were) you cannot understand the grief and pain.

That scene must play and replay through your head, and I am sure your life is filled with "what if" or "if only's." And do I believe that people are "blaming" you? Yes, I do.

My story - my late husband was very ill for 5 years. When he was pronounced brain dead after weeks in a coma I followed his wishes and took him off life support. I held him in my arms while he passed. My stepdaughter, who didn't even bother coming "home" during his last month in a coma, blames me to this day because I should have waited, I "killed" her father.

You know you loved this man and would never, ever have hurt him in any way. If you could have stopped his suicide, you would have. You know that. What other people think or say - well, that's what they think or say.

I have images of my husband's passing that I play every day, and I was also told to keep replaying them until I sort of got used to them. It's almost 6 years, and those images remain, as painful as they ever were. Maybe eventually that works.

I wish I had wise words for you. I wish I could hug you and sit down for coffee. I wish I could wipe away your tears. You are in a vulnerable, painful place.

Is there a clergyperson, is there someone whose advice you trust, someone who truly loves you who will listen? The people who meant the most to me just listened to me - had no opinions, no advice, nothing but listening - and I was able to get it all out.

I'm here to "listen" if you want to share.

Tell me about him, why you loved him.

On another note, his life is not summed up by the way he died. Please don't let suicide be his identity.

Hugs.

I found my fiancé hanging from satellite dish outside our home on feb 6th 2013.Its been 4 months now he was definitely the love of my life and miss him everyday.I knew he had mental problems from losing his son who disowned him.But when I came in the picture he did'nt have sucidal thoughts anymore and I thought he was coping OK even though we were having financial problems he knew he was my life.As much as I love him and miss him I know since his father died at age 11 this was at different times in his life before me what he wanted. So for some reason I have a peace about it all.We were soulmates and if anyone besides god would know if he's happy and at peace its me. My life may be hell and hard to deal with and seem to be coping OK. When you love someone and I loved him you want peace and serentity for them. I don't blame myself I know I did everything I could for him during his last 6 years on this earth. His family blames me but I don't care they disowned him and never knew me. No he should have never done that to me and I'm mad at times even though we had argued I know I was'nt to blame,I was all he had and loved every minute of it so 4 days from now is his birthday after dying and its already getting tough. I wish I could die but I can't do that to my family. Hang in there it will get better is what I'm saying,stay busy,try not to give it a lot of thought if possible,block it out it can be done its how I'm coping. Love you Gary

"Hang in there it will get better is what I'm saying,stay busy,try not to give it alot of thought if possible,block it out it can be done its how I'm coping."

It's a bad idea to post someone's name and this history on the Internet. {Mod Note: Last name removed}

At any rate, everyone grieves in a different way, no question about that. I am so sorry for your loss and so sorry that anyone thinks you had any part in your boyfriend's decision to end his life. Tragedy on top of tragedy.

I don't know if avoidance helps - perhaps you stay busy, don't think about his death, that's how you cope, but my fear for you is that one of these days it's all going to catch up with you, harder and faster than you ever thought would be possible.

I have posted this before but my husband died Christmas Day. I thought I was fine, coping well. I spent a lot of time here, on AMHD, being held up, supported by friends. And then one day in July I took a shower and completely broke, hammering on the sides of the shower with my fists, eventually huddled in the shower, under the shower, sobbing and sobbing and sobbing. That was the absolute low point - and there were other low points, of course.

I'm just suggesting that at some point the pain and grief have to come out, and the longer you push them down inside you the worse the "coming out" is going to be.

I'm so sorry -