Ask Me Help Desk - I'm confused about my friend's sexuality

I have a friend who I have known for about 4 years. He's in his mid 40's, he is divorced and has kids and has a girlfriend. The point is that every time I go over to his house his always making comments that indicate in a sly way that I'm gay I wanted to know if he could be gay? He always says things like I have a beautifully soul and I'm caring and tells me stories and somehow they end up being gay. He also brought up in conversation about gays and I told him just to see his reaction I told him I hate gays. His response was very defensive, and also another time I text him telling him that I wanted to ask him something important (if he was gay) and when I went over to his house (I think he knew) all he talked about was hot chicks trying to pick him up, and how he was in a committed relationship, and when I was talking to him in conversation his girlfriend rang he didn't answer the phone! I was like What?

I'm so confused and there was also another time where we were watching TV and he point out every person in the show gay or puts on movies and somehow one of the characters in the movie ends up gay and there was a movie where the background song was (I don't know if anyone knows this song)" I want to know what love is I want you to show me" and while this was on he was singing the song and just so happens he looking at me while he was singing this song. So talk about being pressured and awkward! And before he told me he had a girlfriend on the day I was at his house he was sitting close to me about a chair away and I told him a story about a friend of mine who told me he was gay and all he wanted to know if I was gay. I told him I wasn't in to that and he was like “Oh!”, and moved to the other seat and then said that he met his current girlfriend and ever since then all of the above has been happening.

What should I do? Should I ask him is he gay or no and what happens if he says his not gay or bi and says he has a girlfriend and continues to do this?

PS. Just a note: I text him telling him if it bothered him if I was I'm bisexual and he didn't return my text. He also says to me that he has a gaydar and can tell if someone who is gay?? What do you think? Do all of these things point out that he may be confused? He also asked me once what type of sound I make when I orgasm? Yes, all heterosexual males ask each that all the time!

' if it bothered him if I was I'm bisexual '
Are you confused? It sounds like you might be as confused as he is. You should be able to just tell him what your sexual preferences are by now. Just now you say you aren't into being gay yet also bisexual, or was that just hypothetical, and why be hypothetical... I'm confused about YOU.

When someone asks total strangers online what they think someone else is thinking, they usually are answering their own question. We don't know him except through what you write. You tell us!

Like you, only he knows what his sexual preferences are. Have you asked him?

If you are uncomfortable with his actions, ask him to stop. If he doesn't, limit your interactions with him.

End the confusion and game playing. Either be upfront and honest with each other or let the friendship fade.

Knowing someone's sexual preferences does not mean asking for a date or sexual/romantic relationship. Sometimes it can be a need to find someone who understands and doesn't judge.

I'm bisexual but I want to know if he is but I can't answer him because every time I go to ask him he talk about his girl friend and if I do ask him and he says he isn't and what happens if he continues to act like this I also love him a lot so that's why I'm confused

My first question here is, why is this important to you? If you have issue with his behaviour then talk to him about it and move on. If it doesn't get better then you can end your friendship with him.

If he is gay or not really doesn't matter and I really don't think this is the issue. What I can gather is that you are Bisexual, good for you, and you're concerned that he will not accept the fact that you enjoy both sides of the coin if you know what I mean.

Truthfully the only way you can know for certain is to catch him with a up his butt. Well it doesn't need to be that drastic but you know what I mean; catch him in the act with another man. Even then, since it seems like he's boning a woman at the moment, it seems that he would be bisexual at the most. Again this isn't really important.

If you really want to clear the air then you're going to have to talk to him. I don't know what you expect to gain by knowing or even asking this question. Let sleeping dogs lay and just be his friend. You really don't need to know the intimate details of his life.

Force yourself to accept him at his word that he isn't gay or bi. What vibes he gives off are not relevant. It could be love clouding your perceptions, it could be he's in denial, it could be he's deliberately lying to you... the list goes on. If this is torture, stop seeing him and tell him why. You are dancing around very simple solutions.

Your inability to be straight and honest is where your confusion starts. Not with him or what he is.

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I'm confused about my friends sexuality

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I have a friend who I have known for about 4 years his in his mid 40's he is divorced and has kids and has a girlfriend the point is that every time I go over to his house his always making comments that indicate in a sly way that I'm gay I wanted to know if he could be gay? He all ways says things like I have a beautifully soul and I'm caring and tells me story's and some how they end up being gay he also brought up in conversation about gays and i told him just to see his reaction i told him i hate gays his response was very defensive and also another time I text him telling him that I wanted to ask him something important (if he was gay) and when I went over to his house (I think he knew) all he talked about was hot chicks trying to pick him up and how he was in a committed relationship and when I was talking to him in conversation his girlfriend rang he didn't answer the phone! I was like What? I'm so confused and there was also another time where we were watching TV and he point out every person in the show gay or puts on movies and some how one of the characters in the movie ends up gay and there was a movie where the background song was (I don't know if anyone knows this song)" i wanna know what love is i want you to show me" and while this was on he was singing the song and just so happens he looking at me while he was singing this song o.0 talk about being pressured! And awkward and before he told me he had a girlfriend on the day I was at his house he was sitting close to me about a chair away and I told him a story about a friend of mine who told me he was gay and all he wanted to know if i was gay i told him i wasn't in to that and he was like Oh! And moved to the other seat and then said that he met his current girlfriend and ever since then all of the above has been happening what should I do should I ask him is he gay or no and what happens if he says his not gay or bi and says he has a girlfriend and continues to do this PS just a note: i text him telling him if it bothered him if i was im bisexual and he didn't return my text
He also says to me that he has a gaydar and can tell if someone who is gay?? What do you think do all of these things point out that he may be confused? He also asked me once what type of sound I make when I orgasm yes all heterosexual male ask each that all the time!

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Originally Posted by sander88

I'm bisexual but I want to know if he is but I can't answer him because every time I go to ask him he talk about his girl friend and if I do ask him and he says he isn't and what happens if he continues to act like this I also love him a lot so that's why I'm confused

This is going to seem harsh:

Stop playing games. He gave you chances to be honest with him and you lied 'to see his reaction'. You have told him you are not gay and that 'you aren't into that.' You could have been honest at any point and said, "I am not gay, but I am bi." and let the conversation go from there. But instead you played the same games he has and probably encouraged them.

He may have a girlfriend. If so, then he is unavailable for a romantic relationship. However, it doesn't mean you can't be open about your sexuality. You do have to accept that he needs to get his life straightened out.

This game playing is not a healthy relationship for either of you. I highly suggest backing off and limiting your interactions with him until both of you can act like mature adults and talk. Even then, if he is in a relationship, it would be better for you to stay away until you can be his friend without wanting more.

The only person in this that you have total control over is yourself. It is time to exercise that control and distance yourself from him while he figures out what he wants. Do not sit around waiting for him to call. Get involved in activities where you can meet more people and make new friends. If you aren't obsessing over his behavior you may find that your feelings aren't quite as strong as you think they are. You might also find someone who is better suited for you.

Good luck.

He knows I'm bisexual but he acts like this with me but has a girlfriend and because that's what I'm confused about is he gay/bisexual because I love him he also told me in his last conversation that some men have oral sex with men and they say it's the best they have ever had and he goes all red in the face and then he says he wants spend the rest of his life with his girlfriend and grow old with her?

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Originally Posted by sander88

He knows I'm bisexual but he acts like this with me but has a girlfriend and because that's what I'm confused about is he gay/bisexual because i love him he also told me in his last conversation that some men have oral sex with men and they say its the best they have ever had and he goes all red in the face and then he says he wants spend the rest of his life with his girlfriend and grow old with her??

In your original post you said that you told him that you hate gays and at another time that you 'weren't into that'. You said that you texted him asking if it would bother him if you were bisexual.

Now, you say he knows you are bisexual. I think you are trying to convince yourself he wants you and has feelings for you. At best, there is a lot of game playing going on.

Do yourself a favor and let him and his mess go. Have more respect for yourself than to stay mixed up with someone who from what you have said is looking to cheat on his partner. Do you really want to be a party to cheating or be with someone who can use someone else just for sexual gratification and doesn't care about the person's feelings?

I don't want to him to cheat on his girlfriend with me but I want him to just come out and say it what he is and stop all this confusion and if he is bisexual maybe we can try it out but if he is not then that's OK still he is my friend but this game can be over!

You don't want him to cheat on his girlfriend, but if he were bi you would try it out? Wouldn't he be cheating on his girlfriend then?

I wonder why you think his sexuality is any business of your.

Its not cheating its called experimenting and you feel its none of my business but its OK for him to treat me like this that all right then

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Originally Posted by sander88

Its not cheating its called experimenting and you feel its none of my business but its ok for him to treat me like this that alright then

'Experimenting' is something you do when you are single. When you are in a relationship and 'experiment' it becomes 'cheating'.

His sexuality is none of your business if he is involved with someone else.

What is or isn't acceptable behavior (the jokes, movies, etc.) is up to you. You have been allowing it. I, personally, wouldn't. I would have distanced myself from him a long time ago.

The only person who you can control is yourself. You can choose to respect and love yourself more than you allow yourself to obsess over someone who is basically a jerk in the way he behaves.

Frankly, I don't think you love him the way you think you do. Stay away from him for a few weeks, get involved your own life, meet new people and give yourself a chance to find someone who wants a healthy relationship with you.

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Originally Posted by Cat1864

'Experimenting' is something you do when you are single. When you are in a relationship and 'experiment' it becomes 'cheating'.

His sexuality is none of your business if he is involved with someone else.

What is or isn't acceptable behavior (the jokes, movies, etc.) is up to you. You have been allowing it. I, personally, wouldn't. I would have distanced myself from him a long time ago.

The only person who you can control is yourself. You can choose to respect and love yourself more than you allow yourself to obsess over someone who is basically a jerk in the way he behaves.

Frankly, I don't think you love him the way you think you do. Stay away from him for a few weeks, get involved your own life, meet new people and give yourself a chance to find someone who wants a healthy relationship with you.

You really think so? Can't I at least ask him if he is bisexual based on what he is doing?

Can you? Sure.
Should you? You 'should' tell him the truth about yourself.
But you seem to be here more for validation than advice. You aren't hearing what people are saying about YOU. Confusion starts and ends with you.

Man what's the matter with you causing all this drama when straight honesty ends the confusion? Are you a BI drama queen or what? If you want to experiment with cheating and affairs say so and stop hiding behind the games you continue to play.

Ask what you want to know directly, and be done with this tiptoe through the tulips dance.

Tiny Tim! Tiptoe through the tulips, with me...

**bangs head against wall**

This is called attempting to "out" people who aren't "in."

"I'm gay (or bi) and that's not a problem because so are you."

I think OP is busy justifying his own behavior - on some level his sexuality makes him uncomfortable.

Second course - tiptoe through the tulips with me.