Ask Me Help Desk - Self confidence gone... what can I do?

Hello, I just had a baby 11 months ago, I have lost all the baby weight plus another 10 but I still have a bit more to lose(15lbs) I've always had problems with my weight... Anyway, I have had the same boyfriend for 7 years and since having our little boy myself confidence is the lowest it's ever been... I'm jealous, and think my boyfriend is waiting around for one of the pretty, skinny girls he works with... What do I do? It's starting to ruin our relationship, I already eat healthy, workout at least 5 times a week and try and tell myself I am beautiful but It's just not working at all... He tells me I am beautiful, sexy, and that he only wants me but how can I believe something like that when I catch him looking at other woman(staring)... HELP!! I'm losing my mind... I'm not ugly or fat but I don't think I have ever felt this pathetic in my life.
Thank you for reading in to my stupid situation but this really consumes my entire life! If I don't feel I look thin enough I will either not go out ( still on maternity leave so I can stay home if I need) OR I will put on a big baggy sweater and sweats and go out... at least that way no one can see my body.

Is this post-partum depression talking? And a growing body-image problem? I do think it's time to have a few sessions with a counselor to restore yourself esteem and confidence. You have everything going for you and need to appreciate that fact. Your baby's physical and mental health depend on it!

Is he looking/staring at other women - or do you just "think" he is?

You seem to realize that the issue is yours, yourself image, yourself confidence. Have you talked to your Physician about post partum depression?

You need to give yourself a break - you had a baby very, very recently. Your body changed. Some of those changes are temporary. Some are permanent.

You also seem to know that if you keep questioning him, doubting him, you are going to destroy your relationship.

Is there a group for new mothers in your area?

EDIT: You don't mention that sex has slowed down and that you get bored easily. Is some of your unhappiness based on your sex life? "Speaking for myself, I get bored quite easily and find that if It's not as spicy as it has been previous times the sex will slow down." https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...-744648-3.html

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

Is he looking/staring at other women - or do you just "think" he is?

You seem to realize that the issue is yours, your self image, your self confidence. Have you talked to your Physician about post partum depression?

You need to give yourself a break - you had a baby very, very recently. Your body changed. Some of those changes are temporary. Some are permanent.

You also seem to know that if you keep questioning him, doubting him, you are going to destroy your relationship.

Is there a group for new mothers in your area?

EDIT: You don't mention that sex has slowed down and that you get bored easily. Is some of your unhappiness based on your sex life? "Speaking for myself, I get bored quite easily and find that if It's not as spicy as it has been previous times the sex will slow down." https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...-744648-3.html

I don't think its postpartum because I am quite happy in with everything else in my life and I especially love my little babe and perhaps it may be my own imagination with him looking at other girls. Sex hasn't slowed down I mean it has a bit since having a child but when I am in the bedroom it's just him and I. Usually, I forget how awful I think I look when I see the way he looks at me while I am naked anndd I don't have anything else to compete with. We are both still young(22 and 24) and maybe that doesn't make much difference in the matter but I feel like I'm at the age where I should look perfect and flawless. IT sounds completely stupid and I am not afraid to admit it but I can't shake the stupidity.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Is this post-partum depression talking? and a growing body-image problem? I do think it's time to have a few sessions with a counselor to restore your self esteem and confidence. You have everything going for you and need to appreciate that fact. Your baby's physical and mental health depend on it!

I don't think so, I am happy with every other aspect of my life. It has to be a body image problem. I am not sure I see the point in seeking professional help, I feel they have more important things to worry about like suicidal people or people with addictions. I am so proud of my little man and I am so happy he is healthy and happy but I can't help but think about my body and such since all I see now a days is the skinny, bigger chested woman who are considered sexy to all men and I just feel bad for my boyfriend who now has me... I do occasionally feel sexy but that is short lived especially when I see a very attractive person.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

Is he looking/staring at other women - or do you just "think" he is?

You seem to realize that the issue is yours, your self image, your self confidence. Have you talked to your Physician about post partum depression?

You need to give yourself a break - you had a baby very, very recently. Your body changed. Some of those changes are temporary. Some are permanent.

You also seem to know that if you keep questioning him, doubting him, you are going to destroy your relationship.

Is there a group for new mothers in your area?

EDIT: You don't mention that sex has slowed down and that you get bored easily. Is some of your unhappiness based on your sex life? "Speaking for myself, I get bored quite easily and find that if It's not as spicy as it has been previous times the sex will slow down." https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...-744648-3.html

Yes, I did have a baby quite recently but how is that so many people can get back into such great shape within 4 months where it took me 10 months to get where I am and I think that may be why I am giving myself such a hard time because I am not where I want to be. Like I said in the "story" I wrote I have always struggled with my weight and went from being anerexic when young because of girls in my school bullying me to being huge and then back to a healthy size. I am scared of being considered fat and being made fun of. There is a group in my area but I am shy and can't articulate my feelings aloud. I also feel like no one would really understand where I would be coming from. I think stupidly and I know I do I just can't seem to stop... There have been occasions where I have felt sexy and pretty but those are short lived whenever I see someone who is close to my age (im 22) who looks amazing...

Quote:

Originally Posted by sarabeary

I don;t think so, I am happy with every other aspect of my life. It has to be a body image problem. I am not sure I see the point in seeking professional help, I feel they have more important things to worry about like suicidal people or people with addictions. I am so proud of my little man and I am so happy he is healthy and happy but I can't help but think about my body and such since all I see now a days is the skinny, bigger chested woman who are considered sexy to all men and I just feel bad for my boyfriend who now has me.... I do occasionally feel sexy but that is short lived especially when I see a very attractive person.

I'm a counselor, and no, this is not too small of a problem. If it doesn't get resolved, you are going to consciously and unconsciously feed this child's (and future children's) mind with all sorts of nonsense about body image and weight and how big a woman's chest should be to attract a man. Your behavior will model to your children how to think about their bodies. I fear for their mental health. This entire thing will get much worse for you and for your children over time.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

Is he looking/staring at other women - or do you just "think" he is?

You seem to realize that the issue is yours, your self image, your self confidence. Have you talked to your Physician about post partum depression?

You need to give yourself a break - you had a baby very, very recently. Your body changed. Some of those changes are temporary. Some are permanent.

You also seem to know that if you keep questioning him, doubting him, you are going to destroy your relationship

Is there a group for new mothers in your area?

EDIT: You don't mention that sex has slowed down and that you get bored easily. Is some of your unhappiness based on your sex life? "Speaking for myself, I get bored quite easily and find that if It's not as spicy as it has been previous times the sex will slow down." https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...-744648-3.html

Sex has not slowed down I mean it is less since having a child but it has not slowed too much I guess I don't think much about my body(he makes me feel good) while its just us two. I don't have any competition while we are alone in our bedroom.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

I'm a counselor, and no, this is not too small of a problem. If it doesn't get resolved, you are going to consciously and unconsciously feed this child's (and future children's) mind with all sorts of nonsense about body image and weight and how big a woman's chest should be to attract a man. Your behavior will model to your children how to think about their bodies. I fear for their mental health. This entire thing will get much worse for you and for your children over time.

Well I guess that is where you and I differ. I don't feel I would feed my children nonsense about body image. If it does not get better when I reach my goal weight( which I hope it will) I will consider a counselor.

Quote:

Originally Posted by sarabeary

Well I guess that is where you and I differ. I don't feel I would feed my children nonsense about body image. If it does not get better when I reach my goal weight( which I hope it will) I will consider a counselor.

Oh yes. It will be unconscious in your attitudes and in the words you use. You are already in denial.

The very fact that you think you need to reach an ideal weight and certain look in order to accomplish what?? Is a huge red flag. Guess how many new moms your age weigh over 150 pounds and are totally happy with who they are.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Oh yes. It will be unconscious in your attitudes and in the words you use. You are already in denial.

All right. Like I said, if it doesn't get better when I reach my goal then I will consider another way to solve the problem. Thank you for the help

Quote:

Originally Posted by sarabeary

Alright. Like I said, if it doesn't get better when I reach my goal then I will consider another way to solve the problem. Thank you for the help

The very fact that you think you need to reach an ideal weight and certain look in order to accomplish what?? Is a huge red flag. Guess how many new moms your age weigh over 150 pounds and are totally happy with who they are.

This was part of an advice column ("Dear Amy") recently --

My problem is with my mother. She’s extremely fat-phobic, and starts to freak out and call herself horrible fat names when she gets over a size 6. She also makes nasty comments about my weight going back to childhood, such as, “I’d kill myself if I had to wear a size 12.” My mom continually expresses concern about my 14 month-old daughter’s weight. Recently the three of us went to lunch. My daughter refused to eat much of her meal and my mom very proudly declared, “I think she just doesn’t like to eat in front of me because she knows I’m counting every calorie she eats!”

This attitude is so far beyond not healthy, I don’t even know what to say to her. It’s not good that my mom has passed her unhealthy relationship with food down to me, but I refuse to let this get put on my daughter’s shoulders as well!

She’s a very controlling person but I am very confident in my ability to raise my own daughter. What can I do or say to get her to stop doing this? -- I’m Her Mom!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

The very fact that you think you need to reach an ideal weight and certain look in order to accomplish what??? is a huge red flag. Guess how many new moms your age weigh over 150 pounds and are totally happy with who they are.

Yes, I have a goal because 3 years ago I was that weight and I was the healthiest I have ever been. Yes, there is a lot of people over 150lbs who are completely happy with themselves and good for them but I also know that there are equally as much who are not happy with what they see. I understand the way I see things is quite strange but, I am going to try and fix it myself before spending a lot of money on a counselor. Perhaps I am in "denial" and if I am I will figure that out for myself.
Thank you again for your advice and I will take it into consideration.
Have a good night/ day.

Quote:

Originally Posted by sarabeary

Yes, I have a goal because 3 years ago I was that weight and I was the healthiest I have ever been.

And if you cannot maintain that weight and that look, and if you have more children?

You are much more than what you look like and how much or little you weigh.