My family wouldn't understand. They're what I like to call bible thumpers and my friends try to help but don't seem to understand. I don't want to be on some medicene that makes me loopy. I'm depressed all the time but don't know why. I'm a fifteen year old girl that hides. I hide behind a fake smile. I let people think I'm happy... I really don't know how to explain how I feel because it's confusing to myself... I have a problem with liking older guys... I have a problem because I like sex. I have a problem with skipping class and I just have a lot of problems. As a child I was emotionally abused. I was bullied through school because I'm bi. I like to sneak out a lot mainly to see friends. Friends that my family would never allow me to have because they're "bible thumpers". I just don't know what to do anymore... I've cut myself before... I've thought about suicide many times but I know I could never do it... My family don't love me because of who I am... I'm not a "bible thumper" like them and they don't like that. They're trying to change EVERYTHING about me. I know I'm a bad kid... but they should love me know matter what, right? I honestly don't know what's wrong with me. Living the bad life MAKES ME HAPPY. I actually smile and mean it... now there ARE days that I do smile because I'm happy and they end when I get home... My family hates seeing me happy... That's all there is too it... How do I change that? How can I make them love me for who I am? I know I need to change SOME things about me but not EVERYTHING.

What is your personal problem with the "Bible THumpers" you seem so fond of bashing?

You are 15... you don't even know what you want yet much less know what you NEED... they do. You need to do a LOT of growing up in the mext few years... and you will. Everyone does.

But if you are suffering from depression.. then you do need medication... and you are going to have to tell your parents. Because first of all you aren't supporting yourself and you aren't an adult that can legally make their own decisions.

It's a very treatible condition... and lots of people do get it...

Parents 'should' love a helpless infant, a toddler, a child... until a certain age, when it doesn't have to be unconditional love, and they are entitled to be merely responsible for you without exactly loving you. I agree that it would be nice, but it's just not a rule, unwritten or written.
And I do feel for you, living with rigidly religious family.

As for your depression vs happiness, you contradict yourself here, but that's understandable too. You hide behind fake smiles and so on, and yet sometimes you are happy. You are learning that as you grow into an adult (not yet!), you can make your own happiness. I hope you don't completely disappear for the next 30 years after you finish high school, because it's better to see what they are like once or twice a year than suffer from regret and throwing them away completely, and one or both may die during that time.
Your 'problems' are partly manufactured - by you. Liking older men, liking sex (acting on it, I presume), and skipping class are not problems. They are behaviors you choose. A problem is cutting, or depression, or thinking about suicide, or being fearful of talking to an adult. Please separate the differences.
Lastly, please see the school nurse about cutting and suicidal thoughts, and ask if a referral to therapy can be arranged. The nurse will probably contact your parents (you can try to ask for some secrecy first) but that's all for the good in the long run.
Let us know what happens in the next few days.

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Originally Posted by smoothy

What is your personal problem with the "Bible THumpers" you seem so fond of bashing?

You are 15...you don't even know what you want yet much less know what you NEED...they do. You need to do a LOT of growing up in the mext few years....and you will. Everyone does.

But if you are suffering from depression..then you do need medication...and you are going to have to tell your parents. Because first of all you aren't supporting yourself and you aren't an adult that can legally make their own decisions.

Its a very treatible condition...and lots of people do get it.....

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They should not put all my problems to Jesus. That's their religion and their pushing it on me. They hate seeing me happy. They could care less if I died in a hoole.

I've thought about suicide and running away. I have cut myself before and honestly my family could care less if I died in a hole. It would be one less mouth to feed.

How do your parents try to change you?

Here is a life lesson that apparently is difficult for some teenagers to grasp, many in fact.

You get back what you give. Meaning if you are going to be difficult and cause problems... you are going to be met with resistance and even apathy. Because others tire of drama queens fairly fast. If you were an adult now... you would be between a rock and a hard place.

You do need professional help... not emotional affirmation of like minded people who would also be wrong.

We have a saying... if you find yourself in a deep hole with a shovel in your hand... stop digging. In short that means start listening to your parents... they are actually able to make their way through the world.. meaning they know far more than you give them creidt for...

You have no such ability at this point. And you are going to find it difficult as an adult in a few short years because you will be surrounded by people who do not think as you do... most of whom won't want to hear what you think they should do either.

That means your opinion isn't any more important than theirs... in fact it is less important as long as they are paying the bills, giving you a place to sleep and feeding you... so until you are paying your own way... deal with it.

I have no doubt many of your opinions and attitudes are going to change real quick when your ability to fit in determines if you will collect a paycheck to pay your rent or buy food.

Because the rest of your life you will be following the rules someone else writes... doing what someone else wants you to do... and dressing in a manner that others find acceptable... otherwise you are going to find a lot of doors closed... paychecks and even job opportunities severely limited.

Its called life... if you want to succeed in it... you have to learn to play by the rules... and make other people around you happy... even when you may not want to do it.

Do you see anything contradictory about parents who could care less, and hurting yourself?
People hurt themselves to SHOW OTHERS HOW MUCH THEY HURT AND TO PUNISH THEM FOR ALLOWING THE HURT.
Apparently your parents don't care in a loving way - they spout Biblical verse and yell at you. Do you realize this is just a variation on half of America?
My suggestions is to stop sleeping with all these guys who use you, and you don't even know which ones are your friends. Again, it's hurting you more than it's hurting your parents. You said so yourself - THEY DON'T CARE!
So stop all this self-destruction and get some self-worth. You aren't going to get it from your parents. A lot of teens don't. A lot of teens don't have parents, or have a mother with a string of boyfriends who rape them, or who send them out to be a prostitute to feed their drug habit. Grit your teeth and get through the next few years developing integrity. It won't be easy.

On another thread she's 15 and has been raped twice.

There are other issues at play here.

Don't assume your parents' reaction. You have to tell them and see how they will respond when they hear about depression, cutting... Maybe than they will take you to a professional. If you can't confront them then talk to a school counselor.

This has nothing to do with being religious. The problem is not with them it's you. You are choosing to skip school and... I know you have your reasons. If you can't control your bad behavior than it's time to ask for some help.
You know what you are doing is wrong. Why should they be happy with any of this, or even allow you to continue doing it? They are trying to tell you what you are doing is wrong. That is what good and caring parents do. They are not forcing you to do anything that is what I am understanding form the information you provided; not to be a saint, not grounding you... They are only verbally telling you to STOP.

If they are religious then they would care if you die. Suicide is considered a sin according to the bible.

There are rules set that you must follow, just like everyone else. Holla! Rules are important. How do you think we (people) can function if we lived in a lawless society? The answer is in The Lord of the Flies.

“They hate seeing me happy.” How? By telling you to quit trouble making? If I am wrong then please explain how they hate seeing you happy.

“I'm depressed all the time but don't know why” Because you are doing things that causes you pain, like hanging with the wrong crowd. Or because of the two people who raped you, you can't get over that with no help. Tell someone who can help you; I don't know maybe seeing a doctor will help. There could be something else that causes this depression.

“…they should love me know matter what, right? “ I think they love you. Because they care enough to tell you stop.

“Living the bad life MAKES ME HAPPY.” emogirlheart , you do this to stimulate your brain. Otherwise/or you would fall into a DEEPER depression; it could be a disorder too. Who knows. You have to see a doctor for a proper diagnosis.

“I know I need to change SOME things about me but not EVERYTHING” What do you think that you need to change, mogirlheart ?

Emogirl, which of your parents has custody of you? Would you prefer to live with the other parent?

How have you addressed being raped? Did you tell your parents, or anyone close?

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Originally Posted by talaniman

How have you addressed being raped? Did you tell your parents, or anyone close?

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Yeah, they tell me I "wanted" it.

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Originally Posted by emogirlheart

Yeah, they tell me I "wanted" it.

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Your parents said that? Why would they think that?

That's a darn shame blaming you instead of helping you. I can understand your anger frustrations but not your acting out against your own best interest.

You really do need a live person to vent to and guide you through the healing process because alone you will do yourself more harm than good. Teachers and school counselors are trained in sorting out the heads of misguided young people who just need to see how to help themselves, and that's what you really need.

Give it some thought and look around for such a person who is an adult and can be a friend and mentor because obviously faith is not enough as your parents think, but maybe that's all they know, and you need more so you can take better actions for yourself, and get better results than what you have been getting.

I think you know all this already but need a bit of a push to get you to better thinking, and behavior, and overcoming the anger and frustration. I hope you find that trusted older responsible friend, because you do need the help and guidance.

I agree with Tal. You said you don't want a counselor, but that is exactly what needs to be in your life -- counselor/wise adult/mentor. Just like we all have been at your age, you too can be your own worst enemy. If I Iived closer to you, I offer you my best help and we would together accomplish great things! I'm very willing to help you find someone in your area.

You think that all your problems will be solved because you are moving in with your mom? You can't leave your memories behind when you move out. You will live with them forever; but you can choose to be a victim and keep silent or a survivor, ask for help so you can truly say that you have finally moved on.
You are you, wherever you go. You can't change your personality. You like older guys, hanging with some bad friends… How can you say the problem is solved when you are just planning to move? You will be starting another chapter another life with the same person you are. I doubt anything will change, not without any help.

Does this mean you will transfer to another school? Away from your current friends and the guys you like?

Being raped-You said it was not your choice it was forced on you. How do you deal with this thought? What I understand, not sure, is that you are still friends with them. Why?

Did you tell BOTH of your parents about being raped or only one of them?

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Originally Posted by Zea

You think that all your problems will be solved because you are moving in with your mom? You can't leave your memories behind when you move out. You will live with them forever; but you can choose to be a victim and keep silent or a survivor, ask for help so you can truly say that you have finally moved on.
You are you, wherever you go. You can’t change your personality. You like older guys, hanging with some bad friends… How can you say the problem is solved when you are just planning to move? You will be starting another chapter another life with the same person you are. I doubt anything will change, not without any help.

Does this mean you will transfer to another school? Away from your current friends and the guys you like?

Being raped-You said it was not your choice it was forced on you. How do you deal with this thought? What I understand, not sure, is that you are still friends with them. Why?

Did you tell BOTH of your parents about being raped or only one of them?

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I told both of them. At the time my mother thought I wanted it... she asked me for details and how it "felt". I don't expect the memories to disappear but I do expect to be a better me. I'm going to change. I've already started doing that In fact. I've been talking to my mother about my problems and I've started doing yoga to help relieve stress and what not :) Besides, I have to learn to forgive the rapists one day or another so that it doesn't put me in the state I was. Sure if I have to go through a class about sexual harassment or assault, I'll probably breakdown crying but I still have to forgive him for what he did even if it does hurt. I have books about all the problems I've been having lately like rape, child abuse, and even teen suicide. I've read all three and I've been talking to my mom so I'm pretty depress free. I have had a bad day though but we all have those.

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Originally Posted by emogirlheart

I told both of them. At the time my mother thought I wanted it... she asked me for details and how it "felt". I don't expect the memories to disappear but I do expect to be a better me. I'm going to change. I've already started doing that In fact. I've been talking to my mother about my problems and I've started doing yoga to help relieve stress and what not :) Besides, I have to learn to forgive the rapists one day or another so that it doesn't put me in the state I was. Sure if I have to go through a class about sexual harassment or assault, I'll probably breakdown crying but I still have to forgive him for what he did even if it does hurt. I have books about all the problems I've been having lately like rape, child abuse, and even teen suicide. I've read all three and I've been talking to my mom so I'm pretty depress free. I have had a bad day though but we all have those.

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I am glad to know that you are doing well.

"Sure if I have to go through a class about sexual harassment or assault, I'll probably breakdown crying..." I know it is hard to face this, and I can't say that I know how you feel, but it is in your best interest to take these classes.

I hope it turns out the way you want it to.