3 days after my wife walked out of a 3 year loveless marriage, I reacquainted with a friend I have know for just over 3 years, we had a brief sexual encounter at that time, but we both went our separate ways with the occasional text or email contact. The day she came over we chatted and started to get to know each other again, she stayed the night [she had prepared as she brought her little bag containing her night stuff and toothbrush]. Despite stating that we are only friends, the night became sexual. I was trying my best to do the right thing and behave, she initiated it.

Over the next few weeks we became closer, nights spent together not always turned sexual, but occasionally. After a 3 year loveless marriage, I can't tell how amazing I was feeling. She seemed to like me more by announcing she loved me 'as a BBFE' and on many occasions reiterated that we were not boy friend/girlfriend, just BBFE. We have both decided that we are moving to another part of the country looking for change in our lives and have decided to move in together to share. Again she insists we are not a couple and that we will be having separate bedrooms, at the same time admitting that occasionally we may share each other rooms along the way. I have to admit I am excited about the prospect of living together and sharing more of our lives.

I insist we are in a relationship of sorts, maybe not the kind she thinks or I wish for. I have mentioned I want more but again she insists we are just BFFE. I have accepted this although I am not sure how I will react if/when she starts 'dating' or not being at home.

She has said she just doesn't want that kind of relationship with me, but still, on occasions we share a bed when we are at each other's apartment, and on occasions enjoy full on sex were she is passionate and affectionate, come the morning, back to BFFE with a hug and a peck on the cheek. I want ask your opinion, am I setting myself up for yet another fall here. I am being a fool to myself? I actually love this woman, love her family. How do I handle this situation?

I forgot to mention that she is 42 and I am 58. She did mention at the beginning that our age gap was a small issue with her. I am a little insecure about myself being not as young as I used to be nor in the best shape. But so taken aback that this vivacious women would even consider sharing a bed with me in the first place. I am so confused and wanting. Don't want to loose the friendship or the prospect of the occasional intimacy with her.

You are a fun sexual partner, accept that, if you want love and a relationship, find another girl.

"I setting myself up for yet another fall here. I am being a fool to myself." You said it and you are right. The first step is admitting what you know. You did that. The second step is making the tough decision. You haven't done that.

You are setting yourself up so make the tough decision. It takes two people to say yes to a relationship to have a relationship. Right now you are a friend with benefits and that is okay for her but it doesn't sound like it is okay for you. The longer you allow this to go on, the bigger the fall.

Her terms are set so you either go along with it, or do your own thing with someone else. Its foolish to even think this will be the way you want it because you poor old fool are so needy, and easily controlled by having a female to have sex with.

I think you are setting yourself up because you are but a sex toy and possible room mate with no strings attached except for half(?)the rent. So you have gone from loveless marriage to no marriage just sex, an OPEN relationship. To bad you are not flexible to enjoy it, or explore the possibilities. But you have been warned what you are in for. So decide if you can handle it or not.

No guarantees it will last any longer than your marriage though.

There are emotional relationships which include sex. There are sexual relationships which don't include emotions. You are a sexual partner. Why, if she is all you say she is, she is into the relationship with you is, quite frankly, beyond me if you are who/what you say you are - you'd think all sorts of men would be chasing her.

That having been said - she has made herself very clear to you. You are not going to change her mind. Maybe she enjoys your enthusiasm. Maybe it's something else.

It is not going to turn into a relationship - she has made that very clear to you. You simply aren't "hearing" her.

Enjoy it for what it is and be prepared to be hurt.

If you want a relationship find a woman who likewise wants a relationship.

I learned long ago to believe what partners, both emotional and sexual, tell me. If a man says, "I love you, honey, but ..." I believe him.

Believe her.

How long has this been going on and how are divorce proceedings going?

Three days after your wife walks out, you get involved in a sexual relationship with someone from your past. Very bad idea especially since your marriage was loveless.

Can I guess that you were faithful for the three years of your marriage? It was loveless and still you didn't leave. Your wife did. Then this person comes 'back' into your life when you are vulnerable and gives you attention and friendship. You jump into this with your eyes closed and your heart looking for something to fill a void. This is not it.

You need to spend some time on your own. You need to let the past go and build up your self-confidence. Make new friends, date, have fun with your life instead of escaping the frying pan only to end up in the fire.

This woman doesn't want what you want. That she would want to move in with you knowing your circumstances makes me wonder what she is getting besides a playmate when she can't find someone else. All she is doing is keeping you from moving forward with your life.

You sound like a nice guy who is lost. You are not going to find what you need and want while involved with this woman. Please, give yourself a chance to be happy without it relying on a relationship that doesn't exist.

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Originally Posted by Cat1864

How long has this been going on and how are divorce proceedings going?

Three days after your wife walks out, you get involved in a sexual relationship with someone from your past. Very bad idea especially since your marriage was loveless.

Can I guess that you were faithful for the three years of your marriage? It was loveless and still you didn't leave. Your wife did. Then this person comes 'back' into your life when you are vulnerable and gives you attention and friendship. You jump into this with your eyes closed and your heart looking for something to fill a void. This is not it.

You need to spend some time on your own. You need to let the past go and build up your self-confidence. Make new friends, date, have fun with your life instead of escaping the frying pan only to end up in the fire.

This woman doesn't want what you want. That she would want to move in with you knowing your circumstances makes me wonder what she is getting besides a playmate when she can't find someone else. All she is doing is keeping you from moving forward with your life.

You sound like a nice guy who is lost. You are not going to find what you need and want while involved with this woman. Please, give yourself a chance to be happy without it relying on a relationship that doesn't exist.

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It is true I was faithful for the 3 years despite the constant negativity from her.
I had feelings for my friend from the day I met her, couldn't believe my good fortune to have her back in my life, both as a friend and most definitely as someone who made me feel human again. The feeling is wonderful. But yes I agree with you that I have jumped in to fill the void.
I have been married 3 times and so has she. We are both technically still married. I have to wait 12 months to apply for divorce. My friend and I joked that we would both get our divorces together. I didn't read anything in that, just funny as my friend actually came to my wedding.
We have been in contact by phone, text or together every day since re-connecting, sometimes talking till the early hours, or texting throughout the night. The other night she hadn't called me as she usually does, I send a text and her reply was that she had a friend visiting. My heart froze. It could have been a female friend, but somehow I had a feeling it was male. It was as it turned out and she told me after a couple of hours he asked to crash at her place. She has a spare room to which she offered. But knowing of our relationship I couldn't help but wonder if she was offering the same benefits. I now believe she didn't but I was so anxious throughout the night. Not a comfortable feeling. My reaction may have triggered a flag for her which I am rather concerned about. All in all I see your point.

You have to get your head out of the sand here.

The first obvious issue is the fact that you have not developed any understanding or insight into why your third marriage failed. I could be wrong, but it sounds unbelievable to me that the woman you are involved with now, wasn't front and centre with your wife's decision to walk out.

What does a 'loveless marriage' mean to you. How did you try to save it, and if you didn't, why didn't you. How did you handle the problems in the marriage, and what were the problems that lead down the 'loveless' path. 'Loveless' could be a reason, or an excuse for why you have ended up where you have.

I don't buy that things happened three days after your wife walked out with this new woman.

I'm thinking that maybe you thought that when you were single again, that she would be interested in a relationship with you?

And now you are faced with things are just not working out, and it sounds pretty clear that this new woman in your life, has drawn a line in the sand, and it's sinking in that she meant what she said.

This will be the fourth failed relationship for you.

The work you need to do now, is not flogging a dead horse so to speak, but rather to figure out truthfully why your marriage(s) failed, and what is it about yourself, that ends you up in the same place- nowhere.

Maybe you have some serious issues of your own. Drinking? Drugs? Infidelity along the way? Abuse? There has to be reasons you've gone through three marriages, and for me at least, 'loveless' doesn't cover it.

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I have been married 3 times and so has she. We are both technically still married.

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I have no doubt this situation is very temporary. No I would not share a place with this person. At least wait for the lust, and dependency, and insecurities have faded, or under control. A year should do it if it lasts that long because any experiment could blow up in your face.

Hi thanks for your input
I now feel that my wife's intention was to get a visa for her and her daughter. She walked out just a few weeks after obtaining this visa. Loveless means that any attempts to be affectionate or sexual met with rejection or deflection. The first six months were tolerated by her as if it was an obligation so to speak. The conclusion was, to quote the modern vernacular , she wasn't that into me.
I am a good guy, no drugs, no drinking and faithful. I am affectionate [sometimes too much when I care for someone deeply], always trying to do the right thing [over trying perhaps]. I have been told by friends, including this friend we are talking about, that I am sometimes too good for my own good. Always putting myself last in the relationship.
It was 3 days after my wife walked out that my friend came back into my life. We have been in contact every day since. Although I feel she has pulled back a little since I got a little over anxious when she told me that a male friend paid her a visit one evening and ask to 'crash' for the night. Although she said he used the spare bedroom. I couldn't help over thinking the situation, I am a male and think I know what males think generally. She was a little less that impressed with my reaction.
My problem is that I yearn to be in a stable relationship with someone who loves and cares for me as I do for them. Someone who can honestly say, that's my guy. Nothing more nothing less. When someone gives me that attention and invites me into their bed I start thinking is this the person I am looking for. Just sad when I find it is not reciprocated [is that the right word?] Even more sad is when you start over analysing very word in a text message or non reply or gesture to try to read/guess their meaning or the answer you are hoping for. Thanks for your reply, appreciate it

Instead of being so pushy for the things you want, you should just enjoy the situation and have fun while it lasts. The reason why I say while it lasts because relationships like these tend to have an expiration date. While she may enjoy having company and having her sexual needs met, she doesn't see you as something that is long term. If you continue with "falling in love" with her, and she doesn't change her perspective about you, you are in for a very painful goodbye.

Got it, thanks