Hello everyone! I'm 19 years old (turning 20 in December) and my fiancé and I were talking about pregnancy and such. I'm going into my 2nd year at university and he's in the Canadian reserves. He brought it up a few days ago stating that he wouldn't mind being a daddy sometime in the near future. I've been thinking about pregnancy for the last few weeks and since he told me this it kind of made me excited. Yes I know 19 is still very young and I know it would be better to wait until after my 4th year at university, but I just can't seem to get the thought out of my mind. I'm very mature and strong willed. I know I'd be a great mom because I learned from my mom's mistakes. There's a few problems I'd have with being pregnant though, which I'll number down below:
1. My mom always told me that she would take my child if I had gotten pregnant earlier than she was (she was 33) and yes I know that's an irrational fear because she can't just take someone's child, but my mom has always been emotionally abusive
2. University, obviously (I'm planning to be a counselling psychologist, which I know can take like 8 years to do)
3. My fiancé has depression and anxiety (obviously I have to think of him and what he'd go through, as well what I would go through)
4. The stress from my mom and dad (since they are divorced and still have bitter arguments, which they bring me into and I would hate to bring a baby into that situation)
5. I'm a bit overweight (not a lot, and you wouldn't even realize it if you met me), but I'd rather be more healthy before I risk another beings life
6. If I were to become pregnant I would choose natural, but again I have body issues and think I'd be too "big" to do it naturally (which I know there has been people who have given birth naturally at 300 lbs, but my mind can be a bit silly sometimes)
7. Financially we are well, but babies still cost a lot, even if you are loaded with money (and I'm sure a lot of mommies have this thought, but I would still enjoy someone's opinions about this)
8. I too have anxiety and insomnia, so not dealing with these problems beforehand I would be scared and more at risk for developing the "baby blues", which I definitely do not want because it could affect the baby and how I take care of it

Is this normal to have these thoughts at 19? I would love to be a mommy to a little baby and my fiancé said he would love being a daddy, but is scared he wouldn't be the best daddy in the world. Any advice would be awesome and please only mature answers (since I am broadcasting a series of serious questions from my personal life). >request for off-board contact removed<

Thanking you guys in advance!
Hope to hear from someone soon
- Laura

You may be broadcasting 'issues from your personal life', but no one knows you here, and I don't know what that has to do with mature answers !

You have a lot of valid concerns, and I appreciate that. You have obviously put a lot of time and thought into your education, and having a baby will put that all on hold, or could be you may not get back to it at any time in the future if you become pregnant. Yes, babies cost a lot even with our socialized medical in Canada.

You too are planning marriage, and to be quite honest, starting with a new baby is not the best way of enjoying married life at the onset.

We can't tell you what to do but just think about it this way, you have a career in mind, pregnancy would possibly destroy that option for you.

I put the mature answers part because some people enjoy internet trolling lol. Thank you for your feedback by the way. I was thinking that having a career would help a lot, especially in the long run and the profession I want needs serious dedication.

I also questioned the "mature" part - I think your post says a lot about your emotional issues (you are afraid your mother is going to "take your baby away" if you get pregnant under 33 - ?).

There is a difference between being mommy and daddy and being a mother and father.

And bring a child into an unmarried relationship? Why?

Just because my fiancé and I aren't exactly married right now doesn't mean we still won't be if there was a baby involved. And bringing a child into an unmarried relationship isn't the worse thing that could ever happen. Like I said about the mature answers part, it's because a lot of people respond to questions in a silly manner. This question isn't a joke and I don't really expect people to reply to it as a joke (as some people do). Besides my fiancé and I aren't going to have a wedding ceremony until later on in life. About the whole "mom would take the child" thing, she isn't the most stable person in the world and she has a lot of problems (which I said in the above question).

I agree - murder is the worst thing in the World. I am saying that bringing up a child is difficult. Being a single mother is very difficult. I assume you've talked to your single mother friends about your plans.

Whether your mother is unstable you believe enough of what she said to repeat it here - you are aware she cannot take your child unless you are unfit, right?

Maybe you can answer the single/married/have a child question. Why do you intend to marry after the child, later in life? I simply don't understand that thinking. Educate me.

I see it all the time on the legal boards, and I simply don't understand it.

I realize it's common now for a child to have one active parent and one "missing" parent. I don't know that marriage solves that. I would not be interested in having a child with a person who isn't committed enough to me to marry me.

Oh yes I know all about single motherhood since my mom was and is a single mother as well and yes I know she can't take my child unless I am deemed unfit by the court. The problem with my mom is that she is very intimidating and I wouldn't be surprised if she would pull some sort of stunt. As for the married question, we would just rather sign court papers at the moment and have the actual ceremony later on in life when our future children can be apart of it. This being said we would be legally married, just wouldn't have the ceremony right away.

Okay, I've got it - thank you for the explanation. The legal boards get a lot of "we don't believe in marriage" or "we're not married but ..." questions.

I truly appreciate you spending the time to answer me.

Sounds like your mother could be a problem; however, you're thinking this through. I would guess if she isn't threatening to take your child she'll be threatening to do something else so you probably just need to roll with the punches.

I'm a big advocate of education/careers for women. I was widowed. It was never my plan - obvously. Thank goodness I was able to support myself! Life takes strange twists and I think both a career and an identity are important to both sexes but often put aside by females.

I'm so sorry to hear about that. Losing someone is very very hard, especially someone you're married to. I couldn't ever imagine losing my fiancé, but it's something I may have to go through in time. As for explaining, that's not a problem at all! I'm glad someone is taking their time to answer me and my questions. Education is a very important goal in my life and I hope to go farther than my parents.

*Update* I had forgotten to mention that I still get child support (400 dollars) from my father since I am in still in University. Also rent costs about 800 dollars a month with utilities, in case that may help in answering my questions since financial stability is a huge thing to consider. My fiancé works in the Canadian Reserves like I have mentioned and can make up to 4,000 if on taskings.

I strongly encourage you to get that career going before you have a child. I have a master's in counseling psych that took three years while working full time and being a wife and mom. I didn't go further with the psychology because of the expense of it and time needed. My energies and money had to go elsewhere. Once you have the career going, you can much more easily juggle clients/patients and family responsibilities. Don't put your cart before the horse!

I am jumping in here to also recommend that you do your schooling first and get that career going. You may be caught up in the idea of a child right now but really, wait a few years and you will be so much better off. You're still young. You have so much to do and see still and a child will just hold you back for the time being. They really are so much work... seriously, you have no idea until you're there.

Do the schooling... get the career going... then have a baby. You will still be plenty young enough to have one and you will be thankful that you waited it out.

Thank you for the replies everyone. As you may have seen, I really want to get my career, but now how will I tackle telling my fiancé of my choice? Perhaps things will smooth out in time. Again thank you!

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Originally Posted by Lauralsaur

now how will I tackle telling my fiancé of my choice?

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Nothing to "tackle"! You simply let him know you have thought long and hard about it and then tell him why you have decided to wait (career, money, stability for the child, stability for your relationship, etc.) He will probably be relieved.

You do realize all the effort of making this work (a baby now) will fall on you. How old is the potential father? Will he be in your life in five years? Like Judy said, do you really want to bring a child into a relationship in which you haven't married the baby's father?

Nothing to tackle - it should (like many other decisions) be a joint decision, one of the many things you will need to have open communication about (how is that for reverse English?)

He should be understanding and should appreciate your desire to be established, to create the best life possible for your child.

@Wondergirl, he is also 19 and we have been together for a great number of years and engaged for almost 2 years.
@JudyKayTee, I do agree with your last statement lol.

I'd be scared to break his heart, but I do understand that it is a huge decision and having my career as a psychologist would be more helpful and less stressful. Thank you guys for all the support. I'll definitely use this site to ask more questions in the future!

Please also use it to answer questions - someone else is going to come along about getting pregnant, what to do, and your input will be invaluable!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Lauralsaur

I'd be scared to break his heart, but I do understand that it is a huge decision

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Waiting will give both of you time to spend with friends' and relatives' babies and small children, maybe offering to babysit during evenings and even weekends and to play with/tutor friends' and relatives' school-age children that need help -- thereby getting a feel for what parenting is all about. And of course you will go to your local public library to check out books on parenting (649.1). :)

@JudyKayTee, will do! I always love to help anyway! :)
@Wondergirl, reading about parenting would help! Never thought of that. Thanks for bringing it to my attention, that way I know exactly what I may be up against.