Ask Me Help Desk - Where do we go from here?

I'm in a 6 year relationship, we are now engaged for 1 year in May and he wants to leave the relationship. We are both in our mid 30's and both had previous marriages. His reasoning is I don't trust him and I treat him like a criminal. During this relationship we have had many ups and downs as we blended our families, experienced infidelity, he fathered a child with another woman (and he doesn't understand why I have trouble trusting him). We have both tried to move beyond this, however with so many dynamics it has been tough. Although this relationship has been stressful, I'm afraid to let it go and I find myself trying to do above and beyond for him now then I think "why am I doing this?" We are living together until he finds another place to live. I need help to determine where do I go from here - should I just stop trying? Or continue to work on saving this?

Stop trying. He's a bum.

He cheated with someone else and now you can't trust him. Once trust is lost, that's pretty much the end of it. Also, from the little bit you've said here, it sounds like he is done with the relationship. At this point, you are only prolonging the pain by trying to keep this going.

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Originally Posted by odinn7

Stop trying. He's a bum.

He cheated with someone else and now you can't trust him. Once trust is lost, that's pretty much the end of it. Also, from the little bit you've said here, it sounds like he is done with the relationship. At this point, you are only prolonging the pain by trying to keep this going.

I understand... its fear keeps me from just throwing in the towel, and I don't want feel as though I failed. Also he has told me he made this decision, however he still walks around like business as usual. He asks as if I should just suck it up and live like we always have until he finds a place. I'm not sure how to do that...

Do you treat him like a criminal? How is that working to save the relationship? If he isn't willing to change and you still have anger, and suspicion then you aren't working together. If he wants to leave you have little choice but to let him.

Is he being a father to this child and still seeing this woman? He doesn't have to have a place of his own for one of you to leave you know. Whose place is it?

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Originally Posted by luvlee

I understand....its fear keeps me from just throwing in the towel, and I don't want feel as though I failed. Also he has told me he made this decision, however he still walks around like business as usual. He asks as if I should just suck it up and live like we always have until he finds a place. I'm not sure how to do that.......

I know what you're saying... you can't feel like a failure over this though. You're holding yourself back at this point by living like this. Things will not get better for you until you can find the strength to move forward for yourself.

Fear... I fully understand that. I went through this with my first wife. She cheated on me and I knew what I should do but I was worried about what the future would hold for me and I had put so much time into that relationship. I fooled myself into thinking I was better off with her. She put me through emotional hell... I discovered that she was still cheating and I found the strength to forget about worrying... forget about fearing what was coming... I realized I had to fear what I was putting myself through. I left her. Guess what? It wasn't as scary as I had made it out to be. I learned to live again without her and it wasn't as hard as I thought.

Good luck

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Do you treat him like a criminal? How is that working to save the relationship? If he isn't willing to change and you still have anger, and suspicion then you aren't working together. If he wants to leave you have little choice but to let him.

Is he being a father to this child and still seeing this woman? He doesn't have to have a place of his own for one of you to leave you know. Whose place is it?

Being honest... I ask questions but its not something I have not always done. He has a non-traditional work schedule he may work three days and be on call for the next three days, and I may say "what you gotta do today?" Instantly he thinks I'm trying to see if he is cheating. But that is a normal question partners ask each other.
He has began being a father, since she was 5 months old I stepped up to help then he left it all up to me. He has ALWAYS been a great Dad to his other 2 children. The baby is 18 months now and will interact with me rather than him. The other woman says she accepts/respects our relationship but then I hear about things she post on Facebook insinuating she wants him back. He acts as if he hates her because he didn't want more kids, he paid for her to terminate the pregnancy which she lied and said she did. Then contacts him 2 weeks before the bay is born to let him know.

Thank you for the added information, it certainly adds to the picture, but raises the question of you may be in fear of losing him to her. His defensiveness certainly adds to that. But the real uncertainty comes with TWO baby mamas he is now caught between. I am afraid he hasn't decided in his own mind what's the best course to follow, or not resolved how he should deal with either of you.

No matter which way he goes leaves him the dilemma of two families and despite his supposed anger over her getting pregnant, its obvious there will always be the stress and conflict over which female he settles with, or none. Personally I don't buy he found out after the child got here, as its hard to hide a 9 month pregnancy from an ex lover no matter if he thought an abortion was going to be the way she was going to go.

I don't buy it all him feeling defensive either, sorry, as you do sound accepting and practical, so forgive my being slightly skeptical. I do know, or feel, that if you haven't married in 6 years and he has not been faithful, and indeed has a child now, I do not see marriage to him anytime soon and the only resolution I can offer is between you and baby mama #2, that resolves things and takes him out of the equation because he doesn't seem to know the right thing to do on a deeper level. So don't depend on HI very flawed judgment.

Be nice if you both can work through this, or at least clear the air on whether you two are competing for his commitment, or not. That is the only thing I can see that you both know where you stand, and can see a path forward since he hasn't a clue.

If he wants to leave let him, but don't expect to stop him from going back and forth or even adding a 3rd female to this mix. I just see years of fear, uncertainty, and mistrust over these unresolved issues his cheating has caused.