Ask Me Help Desk - Unable to enjoy sex with my partner.

Hello, I'm 20 (female) and have been with my current boyfriend for over a year.
I've been having sex since I was 17 and never truly enjoyed it much. Myself pleasure goes back to around 12 or 13 and with premature exposure to porn, I was shown some by a friend when I was 12 and after going home from her house felt so dirty and bad, but mainly overwhelmed. As an incredibly curious child I kept searching for porn and have seen it all. I've also had strange men expose themselves on the camera online. I started masturbating a lot, it got up to the point where I'd do it so much I'd get bruised from my (very short) fingernails.

The first time I had sex it was sort of consensual, I was so stressed from him asking me to have sex I mumbled 'ok' and he just went for it without verifying again. I was also previously to this sexually assaulted and forced to give head to a guy I went out with.

Anyway, that was just to give a bit of background, currently I'm with my 22 year old boyfriend, very very handsome and I'm completely attracted to him. I've been through a lot of stressful changes through this year, and I did, for the first time enjoy sex a few months ago. It was with him and I enjoyed it physically and in every other way.

Since then I stopped enjoying it. I might feel horny before meeting him and even while being next to him, and then just when I see he is making a move in the direction, even stroking my shoulder in a familiar manner. I stress out and start to feel somewhat nauseous and anxious like hell. The whole thing feels like a chore and I don't enjoy a moment of it.

I know it's not him, I'm super attracted to him, he does a lot to try and get me going and I love him deeply. Any ideas why this happens? Also, how to solve this?

I was the adult victim of rape - the after effects last for years and take many forms.

I would talk to someone about your problem with your boyfriend. How were "strange men" having sex on camera with you watching? This sounds like you were in agreement - ?

I notice that you refer to him as "very, very handsome" but don't list other attributes. Is the attraction purely physical?

And for the record - if you didn't consent it was rape.

I think you should talk to someone about your issues - you are very straight forward here, and many of these issues cannot be solved alone. I, for example, absolutely cannot be pinned down. I'm fine, sex is great - but any type of pinning me down and I panic, even with a very trust partner. Maybe you are sort of shutting down in order to deal with your memories.

Does your boyfriend know your history?

First of all, thank you for replying.

"I would talk to someone about your problem with your boyfriend. How were "strange men" having sex on camera with you watching? This sounds like you were in agreement - ?"

Well.. see I was talking about the time I was 12, so agreement is a very loose term. Also, I went into chat rooms and I don't know if you are familiar with those things, but men just ask you to open the camera, and when you do, their penis is all out in the air.

"I notice that you refer to him as "very, very handsome" but don't list other attributes. Is the attraction purely physical?"

Not at all.. he is very intelligent, and I love the way he looks but also the way he moves, and the little dimple on his cheek when he smiles.. he makes me feel very good about myself and he is so caring and dedicated and honest. We have a very full and healthy (in my eyes) relationship in every other aspect, although it has been about a year and 2 months, we are still "in the honey moon period" and our friends complain about us hugging and kissing too much, but I really feel with him that it's like our souls connect.. like even if I looked at him without saying a word, I'd get it..

"And for the record - if you didn't consent it was rape."
I know.. but because I said OK, I feel very guilty and responsible. It also went on for a few months, without me wanting it at all, he was supposidly my boyfriend, when he broke up with me, it was one of the happier days of my life. I would always cry after we had sex, and he would not take his time to notice this, I also tried to hide it.. but I know that if I cried now for example, my boyfriend would know right away, even if I did my best to hide it.

I would generally agree with you that help is a good idea, but I've tried sessions with three different psychologists, they all tried to push pills down my throat, one of them told me I was too confusing, as in blaming me for it being very hard to read my feelings, which is true, my body language doesn't always say what I feel, it actually usually doesn't. You see, I've also been depressed for many years, around the ages 13-18 or so. I just always feel the therapist: 1. has no clue what I'm talking about 2. takes what I say and makes it worse (for example I told them I had fright of going insane and during the time I had session for it, it got worse and worse until I left sessions because I was just scared of my own shadow, and then it stopped all at once)

So I just don't trust a normal psychologist to treat me.. and I don't know what other method I could go for.

My boyfriend is not very much the talking about the past type, he tries for me and he always listens when I talk, but he never really wants to discuss it, like he might asks questions but only very technical ones, and very quickly he would say 'I'm sorry, I'm here for you now and it'll all be better' and hugs me.. he would obviously never bring it up himself. I guess maybe that's true though, maybe if we discussed it more openly and he let me get all my feelings in and I knew he was aware of everything, maybe it would help.

I did notice once when he touched me, I said I didn't want to and moved his hand, and then he tried again, and then I got off the bed and went to a chair far away and started crying.. I really felt I was living old experiences over again.. so I guess it makes a lot of sense that it has to do those things.

Thank you, I feel you have helped me come to an important realization about the situation that I sincerely didn't have before.. somehow I was sceptic of that happening when I posted here.
Also, I'm very sorry for what happened to you, and sorry to hear it still haunts you so much. I hope you can recover and settle down, because it seems you nearly want it as much as you fear it.

I would reach out and hug you if I could - we are "sisters," having survived a very similar experience. I didn't realize the camera episode(s) was when you were 12. I've honestly never been in a chat room, but I've heard the horror stories.

And I found therapy difficult because I pretty much had learned not to trust anyone.

Sometimes it helps me to just get it out, talk to someone. They don't have to agree or advise - they only have to listen.

You express yourself very well - are very honest. I try to be but sometimes I find myself very guarded and defensive. In my case someone I trust raped me, so who is to know about the next person - ?

I wish I had magical answers, but I think you are carrying around baggage. How to get rid of it is the question - ?

If your boyfriend loves you he will understand and I found, particularly in the beginning, that saying I was freaking out or worried or something else to a trusted partner made all the difference. Sometimes I just wanted a hand on my shoulder or a back rub and a promise that that would be "it." A loving partner understands and doesn't push the boundaries.

I wish you luck - and, again, here's an Internet hug.

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

And I found therapy difficult because I pretty much had learned not to trust anyone.

I hear that, with therapists, I feel I can't trust them. However, my personality is so forgiving to others, that I keep trusting, even after getting hurt a million times, I still put trust in people, that comes with the downside of constantly being let down and hurt, so we are both extremes to different sides, I would like to get some of your inspection of who to trust and who not to and give you some of my careless trust, that would truly be awesome if it was at all possible.

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Sometimes it helps me to just get it out, talk to someone. They don't have to agree or advise - they only have to listen.

If you find yourself needing an extra person like that, I can try and be that person a little bit, with the limitations of it being online

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You express yourself very well - are very honest. I try to be but sometimes I find myself very guarded and defensive. In my case someone I trust raped me, so who is to know about the next person - ?

Thank you, with that too - I'm very extreme at sharing and just throwing myself out there. I literally just reach into my chest and pull out my heart putting it on the table, it's slowly developing elephant skin, and yet some people still get to me sometimes and it starts bleeding again.
Are there people you do open up to? Are you in a process? Does it feel like you would ever be able to tell someone everything?

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I wish I had magical answers, but I think you are carrying around baggage. How to get rid of it is the question - ?

If your boyfriend loves you he will understand and I found, particularly in the beginning, that saying I was freaking out or worried or something else to a trusted partner made all the difference. Sometimes I just wanted a hand on my shoulder or a back rub and a promise that that would be "it." A loving partner understands and doesn't push the boundaries.

I wish you luck - and, again, here's an Internet hug.

That's very true.. I'm going to meet him tomorrow and talk about this and change things around, I hope we can work it out.

Good luck to you as well, And I'd totally squeeze you harder during the hug :)

I think if you talk to your boyfriend, make it clear from the beginning what you expect of him. Then no bad surprises. He sounds like he would understand and you sound like a very strong female that can benefit greatly from expressing yourself to the right person. That's the best way to unpack all that baggage.

Good luck, keep us updated please.