Ask Me Help Desk - So scared

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years he has left me 6 times because I got mad and asked him to because he calls me names when he is mad. But then begged him not to leave because I didn't mean it. I am not perfect, I get upset when he goes on drinking benders without me and won't call, I get upset because he thinks his family is more important than me and get frustrated that he doesn't help me money wise. He refuses to move back in with me and tells me if I didn't make him mad I wouldn't get yelled at and called names. I am a single mother and my babies father walked out when she was 3 weeks. This is the only guy she knows as a father and I love him to pieces. I want him here full time and we fight because he won't do it again because of my attitude. I support him when he's here a week at a time with food, cook for him all the time and do anything he needs but yet whens he's mad I have to beg for him and he still won't understand that all I want is to be understood and my feelings appreciated and understood. He's a single man with no child and gets mad and tells me my daughter is not his when she calls him daddy and then says he's sorry. He takes off on us won't even answer my calls ignores me. The last fight I slapped him on the arm he's 200 pounds heavier then me and he hit me back with a bag full of stuff across the face and said I have no right to lay my hands on him but he called me a and told me to go myself when I was crying. I love him but I don't like him drinking for 2 days at a time and want him to dedicate himself to me and my daughter instead of letting his mother destroy us.. am I a bad person because I want him to realize what he's doing and want him to commit to me and stop letting his mother quilt trip him... I feel worthless and he says I start all the fights. I am controlling and treat him like a puppet on a string because I ask where he was and what he did. I have no family just him and my daughter.. I'm so lost I'm almost 30 and just want love and someone that understands why I get mad over serious stuff I feel like ill never find anyone I was abused all my life.. what do I do>

I only read the first few lines and already know that he is verbally and emotionally abusive and you are better out without him.

This is certainly not the kind of man you want your daughter using as a role model. Someone who calls her mother names? Drinking binges?

You don't need a man to identify you. You need to be healthy in your own skin for your daughter. She is #1 in your life. You don't want her growing up thinking that his treatment of you is normal and acceptable because it's not.

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Originally Posted by J_9

I only read the first few lines and already know that he is verbally and emotionally abusive and you are better out without him.

This is certainly not the kind of man you want your daughter using as a role model. Someone who calls her mother names? Drinking binges?

You don't need a man to identify you. You need to be healthy in your own skin for your daughter. She is #1 in your life. You don't want her growing up thinking that his treatment of you is normal and acceptable because it's not.

I definitely agree with you on this but I would not let this happen around my daughter, it happens when she is away or playing outside.. I grew up with drunks as parents and my daughter is my number one for sure even though by reading this it does not sound like it but I have gone over and above being a good parent. The problem is how good he is when he wants to be, and how good he is to her. I do not let him over when he is drunk and do not let the arguing around her.. and your right I should get rid of him, but its hard when your this beat down to stand back up right

I've been there, done that and got the T-shirt. You come from an abusive/drunk family, by staying with him you are only perpetuating the cycle of abuse.

For now you don't let her around this, but children are highly perceptive. They know when something bad is happening even when they aren't subjected to it. Give it time, it will happen around her, I can promise you that.

Let him go, get yourself some counseling to become healthy again. You owe this to your daughter.

Quote:

Originally Posted by J_9

I only read the first few lines and already know that he is verbally and emotionally abusive and you are better out without him.

This is certainly not the kind of man you want your daughter using as a role model. Someone who calls her mother names? Drinking binges?

You don't need a man to identify you. You need to be healthy in your own skin for your daughter. She is #1 in your life. You don't want her growing up thinking that his treatment of you is normal and acceptable because it's not.

True enough since he doesn't live with me it will be easier as for the counselling part of it I don't need it. I have a counselling degree, a nursing degree and children's aid degree under my belt just needed another's opinon on this. When your in the situation you don't see as well as a third party does. And as for my daughters well being that wasn't even a question on her ever seeing anything because it would not have happened ever even though in most cases it does I happen to be stubborn in the aspect on how my daughter is raised and take strong consideration into her mental health and upbringing. Children are extremely perceptive to arguments but playing with them and smiling after an argument shows that everything is normal in their environment. When it comes down to both partners sitting corner to corner not talking, that is when the child realizes something is wrong. I have tried to SAVE this guy from his own childhood damage but I guess in the end not all people can be saved. I know from reading a post you can perceive so many different thoughts and opinons. I do appreciate your comments and thank you for putting things into place!
I also realize how stupid my post is in the aspect of how much education I have but then again were are all caught in emotion at certain times of our lives.

Your post isn't stupid at all!

I also have a nursing degree, my daughter is in college for social work right now. Your judgment is clouded because you are in the situation. You aren't looking at it from an outside perspective as you would if this were a client talking to you about their situation.

If you have education, you realize that counselors need counselors. In your case it's not only to deal with the day-to-day situations that you have to deal with, but also your own as you are not able to see the forest through the trees.

You need someone on the same academic level as you to point out the flaws in your relationship and assist you in overcoming the emotional drama you are experiencing.

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as for the counselling part of it I don't need it. I have a counselling degree

Here I have to disagree with you. Just because I am a nurse doesn't mean at some point I don't need a doctor for a diagnosis or a nurse for treatment.

I have gotten the answer I needed thank you to all

I wish you and your daughter all the best. Please keep us posted on how this works out and know, without a shadow of a doubt, that we are here for you if you need us.

Quote:

Originally Posted by J_9

I wish you and your daughter all the best. Please keep us posted on how this works out and know, without a shadow of a doubt, that we are here for you if you need us.

Thank you, with everything all in all I feel a little dumb that I didn't see this for what it is but I appreciate your point of view and am glad I sought out insight>> I wish you and your familly the best as well

There is no reason for you to feel "dumb." You are inside of a situation and you are not seeing clearly. It's not unusual or uncommon. You want and need to feel wanted and needed.

As professionals we tend to turn the other cheek thinking that this isn't happening to us and if it is we can "fix it." Well, sometimes we can't "fix it" and need an outside perspective. This is why all counselors/psychologists/psychiatrists are recommended to have their own counselor/psychologist/psychiatrist.

You are smart educated woman. You will do what is right for you and your daughter. Just know that this relationship is abusive and is not, and should not, be permanent.

Tell me this... If I were the one writing this post/thread, what would you advise I do? How should I handle this situation?

Early Childhood Development also taught you that a smile and playing is good, but children can see through this charade. Children your daughter's age are highly sensitive and intuitive. They still know that there is something about Mom that is not right and that Mom is not happy.

I don't know how old you are, but I am 48. I went through this over 20 years ago and my oldest children still suffer trust issues.