Ask Me Help Desk - Why am I a victim of my boyfriends abuse?

I have been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half now. We became good friends in 2009 and now made our relationship official in 2011. For the first 7 months of our relationship everything between us was healthy. We communicated easily, I trusted him and treated him like a king, but after awhile he completely did a "180" on our relationship.

He has become jealous and controlling of my cell phone and even if it's my mom calling or texting. He gets very paranoid and upset with me and makes me put my phone down. He has thrown my phone across the house so it hits against the wall. He has pushed me, threw me down, and becomes irate to the point I'm on the ground in tears. I know in my heart I have done nothing to deserve this. I haven't cheated not lied about anything and he constantly accuses me of cheating on him when I haven't.

My question is I need some advice as to how to handle this. He refuses to leave and tells lies about me to his friends and family, and I am the one who always gets the flack in the end. His family and friends believe he can do no wrong ever. I've offered for us to seek a counselor and he doesn't. I thought us being close friends for 3 years now I would have never expected him to harm me like he has.

Question - Do you think his behavior will get better with time?

Answer - NO!

Get out before his behavior gets worse. Do what you need to do to break clean from this jerk. This is not love and you don't need the drama, verbal, and physical abuse he gives.

I couldn't agree with you more. I am a independent person and I know I do not have to have a boyfriend, but I take relationships seriously and I cherish what I have when I am with someone, but I feel my kindness and love has been taken for granted. I am twenty-three years old and I see all my friends married with children now and I'm not ready for marriage with him. He talks about it quite often and it scares me. I've told him we need to get our priorities in line before I make any decision of that sort. I'm just sad because nothing has changed. He has some good qualities about him but it doesn't justify him hitting me.
Thank you for your response. I appreciate it.

Quote:

Why am I a victim of my boyfriends abuse.

In a nutshell... because you allow it.

You are a victim of his abuse because you allow him to treat you that way by staying with him. It will get worse. Soon it will turn to hitting you... then eventually to beating you.

You need to leave him.

Really, what you should have done is have him arrested when he pushed you or threw you down. Leave him before it gets worse... if he puts his hands on you, call the police.

Quote:

Originally Posted by odinn7

In a nutshell....because you allow it.

You are a victim of his abuse because you allow him to treat you that way by staying with him. It will get worse. Soon it will turn to hitting you...then eventually to beating you.

You need to leave him.

Really, what you should have done is have him arrested when he pushed you or threw you down. Leave him before it gets worse....if he puts his hands on you, call the police.

I know and I have tried to call the police several occasions because I am in fear of my life during his abusive actions and he broke my house phone and took the battery away. Blocked me from trying to leave my house and took my car keys. Then says "Why are you trying to let people involved in our business?" Makes me feel guilty and after a few hours calms down, hugs me and acts like nothing ever happened. We have broken up because of his violence and anger and I wouldn't allow him back to my house until he gets professional help. I found out he lied to me when he did told me he went to get help. I know this isn't going to change overnight and not oblivious to the facts. I believed that month apart he did get help. I accepted his apology and forgave him allowed him back to my home, but everything spiraled downhill once I knew he didn't seek counseling. I blame myself

Quote:

Originally Posted by lmorgan7522

I know and I have tried to call the police several occasions because I am in fear of my life during his abusive actions and he broke my house phone and took the battery away. Blocked me from trying to leave my house and took my car keys. Then says "Why are you trying to let people involved in our business?" Makes me feel guilty and after a few hours calms down, hugs me and acts like nothing ever happened. We have broken up because of his violence and anger and I wouldn't allow him back to my house until he gets professional help. I found out he lied to me when he did told me he went to get help. I know this isn't going to change overnight and not oblivious to the facts. I believed that month apart he did get help. I accepted his apology and forgave him allowed him back to my home, but everything spiraled downhill once I knew he didn't seek counseling. I blame myself

I blame you too if you keep making excuses. It isn't love. Nobody should ever put hands on you for any reason than comfort and help. Who cares what he says or does to justify his behavior. Get out now.

When it comes down to it you know it makes no difference what other people think when it comes to your safety and emotional well being.

Leave him. There is light at the end of the tunnel on this one.

You are abused because you allow it, you allow him to make you feel guilty. you walk out the door, knock on a neighbors door and call the police, sneak out when he is asleep, get a extra set of keys made and hide them, go to work and don't go back.

100's of ways, you just leave

Call the cops after if you can't do it then.

Listen... I don't know you so why should I care, right? I care because my sister went through this.

First it was shoving, then slapping, then punching, then kicking, then he started hitting her with things. He would always calm down and tell her he was sorry... he will never do it again... he will change... he loves her... one day he got so enraged that he dragged her by her hair around the house and finally stopped in the bathroom... this is where he took her head in his hands and slammed her against the toilet bowl until the toilet broke.

Do you want that? Maybe he won't do the toilet thing to you but something is coming. Stop making excuses. You know what you have to do and all the excuses in the world are not going to help you... having him arrested... getting away from him... that will help you... as long as you don't go running back to him when he tells you he loves you and how sorry he is.

Excuses tell me you enjoy being treated like this.

Excuses will bring more of this behavior.

Excuses could wind up getting you killed.

Quote:

Originally Posted by odinn7

Call the cops after if you can't do it then.

Listen...I don't know you so why should I care, right? I care because my sister went through this.

First it was shoving, then slapping, then punching, then kicking, then he started hitting her with things. He would always calm down and tell her he was sorry....he will never do it again....he will change...he loves her....one day he got so enraged that he dragged her by her hair around the house and finally stopped in the bathroom....this is where he took her head in his hands and slammed her against the toilet bowl until the toilet broke.

Do you want that? Maybe he won't do the toilet thing to you but something is coming. Stop making excuses. You know what you have to do and all the excuses in the world are not going to help you....having him arrested....getting away from him....that will help you....as long as you don't go running back to him when he tells you he loves you and how sorry he is.

Excuses tell me you enjoy being treated like this.

Excuses will bring more of this behavior.

Excuses could wind up getting you killed.

Oh my goodness, bless her heart. I am sorry your sister had to go through that. In my case I didn't add a whole lot of detail but I understand how extreme my boyfriend has been to me. He has kicked me and threw me down the hallway to where I hit my head against the wood. I'm surprised I haven't gotten killed yet because I'm only 5'2 and 95lbs. Compared to his size he's 6'1 and 180lbs. I don't understand as to why he would get so upset over the tiniest things and I don't retaliate I actually plea for him to stop. I try to handle the situation maturely so it won't escalate but he forces me to argue back and I usually won't because I'm afraid.

I had a previous boyfriend of four years who abused me as well and I prayed so hard for a new beginning ad a new relationship that was healthy. I stayed single for a year and was happy to find my identity again and to have my childhood friends back in my life again. When I finally let my guard down I ended up into another abusive cycle. So it's a little frustrating because I assume now most men do this, because that's all I know to be around. I go to church a I pray, but I don't know why I am going through this again, because I never expected it. I told myself I would never be involved with a man who does any type of abuse again. Now look where it has gotten me.

Leave him... that's what you do.

And no, most men are not like this... you just made bad choices and had some bad luck along the way. There is no reason why you should put up with this.

Praying will not solve this... people can pray over your dead body after he kills you but for now... praying is not the answer.

Quote:

Originally Posted by odinn7

Leave him...that's what you do.

And no, most men are not like this...you just made bad choices and had some bad luck along the way. There is no reason why you should put up with this.

Praying will not solve this....people can pray over your dead body after he kills you but for now...praying is not the answer.

I never thought of it that way, thank you for the advice. May I ask how your sister is doing now? Did she ever have the courage to escape her boyfriend and get through the heartache? I really hope there is hope for me at the end of the tunnel. I feel defeated, isolated, sad and alone. Alone, meaning I keep my abuse private from the important people in my lives because of the embarrassment and not wanting my family to feel sorry for me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by lmorgan7522

I never thought of it that way, thank you for the advice. May I ask how your sister is doing now? Did she ever have the courage to escape her boyfriend and get through the heartache? I really hope their is hope for me at the end of the tunnel. I feel defeated, isolated, sad and alone. Alone, meaning I keep my abuse private from the important people in my lives because of the embarrassment and not wanting my family to feel sorry for me.

She put up with this abuse for 7 years and it took its toll on her. She trusts nobody now so won't date. She has some sort of nerve damage and her legs give out on her. She drinks. She has withdrawn from everyone and is a worthless parent. She won't accept help and just covers herself up so strangers don't realize there is a problem.

You see, I have been able to see the results of dealing with this. This is what you are headed for if you keep putting up with it... if you don't die from it, this all could very well happen to you. This is no way to live your life. Save yourself now and don't look back.

There is someone out there that will treat you right... don't settle and convince yourself that this piece of trash is the one for you.

I always worry when a woman asks why she is abused instead of why she keeps allowing it.
I always worry when a woman says 'I know,' to the obvious responses, and then proceeds to just describe more abuse.
I always worry when a woman says her last relationship was abusive too.

You say you are an independent woman, and it even sounds like the house or apartment is yours, so my question for you is when TODAY are you going to throw him out? His family and friends think he can do no wrong, so he can go stay with them. It's a very weak argument to stay with him because they think he's wonderful and he has good qualities. So... WHEN??

Quote:

Originally Posted by joypulv

I always worry when a woman asks why she is abused instead of why she keeps allowing it.
I always worry when a woman says 'I know,' to the obvious responses, and then proceeds to just describe more abuse.
I always worry when a woman says her last relationship was abusive too.

You say you are an independent woman, and it even sounds like the house or apartment is yours, so my question for you is when TODAY are you going to throw him out? His family and friends think he can do no wrong, so he can go stay with them. It's a very weak argument to stay with him because they think he's wonderful and he has good qualities. So.... WHEN???

I tried to throw a greenie at you but it wouldn't stick.

That is a great post.

Quote:

Originally Posted by joypulv

I always worry when a woman asks why she is abused instead of why she keeps allowing it.
I always worry when a woman says 'I know,' to the obvious responses, and then proceeds to just describe more abuse.
I always worry when a woman says her last relationship was abusive too.

You say you are an independent woman, and it even sounds like the house or apartment is yours, so my question for you is when TODAY are you going to throw him out? His family and friends think he can do no wrong, so he can go stay with them. It's a very weak argument to stay with him because they think he's wonderful and he has good qualities. So.... WHEN???

Well the first time he abused me I didn't even see it coming because everything was fine in my mind, so I wouldn't say I allowed that the very first time. I had never known him to do that since we have been friends for awhile and was caught off guard. Yes I made a choice and asked him to leave my house because that behavior was unacceptable. We broke up and he said he was getting help and in my mind I'm thinking he has an ultimatum with me before we can even consider a relationship again. Well yadda yadda he came back and I found out he had lied about seeing a counselor and I was upset and disappointed because I was only looking out for our best interest. My fault for believing him, but I didn't know. I was still in a state of shock when he did that to me... And I thought things were going good for about 5 months afterwards and then that's when he abused me a second time.

I wasn't expecting that but I agree I should have learned from the first time it happened.

You are sort of telling us what you told us already, and it doesn't even really matter.
Sure, it isn't always clear cut and easy to define when the breaking point is.
But do you see how wishy washy you are, still?
You have talked right around the question WHEN.
That is a direct and simple question.
Either you are being abused or you aren't. If you are, you throw him out.
So WHEN??

I want to start with I am proud of you for reaching out, that is the first step realizing there is a problem. I was in a similar relationship for 9 years. I was a very independent person and never thought I would allow myself to be in a relationship like that. The problem is that the relationship doesn't start like that. The person has to gain your trust and loyalty first. When they have that it is harder for you to leave. My biggest mistake was believing he was taking care of me and the kids, but reality he was controlling me in that way. Abusers are good at what they do, they have perfected their head games they play. Also if he is jealous and accusing you of cheating and you have done nothing to back up his claims, the chances are is that he is or has cheated and he is transferring the feelings onto you, it is called transference, I learned that in counseling. Believe me you did nothing to deserve this abuse. He is the one with the problem. I found out that my ex has Border Line Personality Disorder and that was the cause for his behavior. He hasn't changed to this day and we have been divorced for 2yrs now. Unfortunately the chances of him changing for you are not very good, please don't take that personal. Hold your head up high, you are young and will have a bright future and find someone that loves you just as you are for who you are. I found love again. Please leave him as soon as you can. Best of luck. :)

No more excuses, call your mom, dad, brothers, or trusted close male and then call the cops. Assuming he lives with you and if you are with him, get your stuff and go NOW!

No more talk, and rationalizing or thinking. Action is what you need so gather your support around you and get the cops to get him out of your house, and life. Waiting for courage to hit you, or love to come back, or another promise of change is a foolish thing at this point.

I wish you luck but hope you get off your A$$ and do the right thing for yourself. Sorry to be blunt, but it's that important.

Quote:

Originally Posted by joypulv

You are sort of telling us what you told us already, and it doesn't even really matter.
Sure, it isn't always clear cut and easy to define when the breaking point is.
But do you see how wishy washy you are, still?
You have talked right around the question WHEN.
That is a direct and simple question.
Either you are being abused or you aren't. If you are, you throw him out.
So WHEN???

I understand, thanks

Quote:

Originally Posted by chrisitnee100

I want to start off with I am proud of you for reaching out, that is the first step realizing there is a problem. I was in a similar relationship for 9 years. I was a very independent person and never thought I would allow myself to be in a relationship like that. The problem is that the relationship doesn't start off like that. The person has to gain your trust and loyalty first. When they have that it is harder for you to leave. My biggest mistake was believing he was taking care of me and the kids, but reality he was controlling me in that way. Abusers are good at what they do, they have perfected their head games they play. Also if he is jealous and accusing you of cheating and you have done nothing to back up his claims, the chances are is that he is or has cheated and he is transferring the feelings onto you, it is called transference, I learned that in counseling. Believe me you did nothing to deserve this abuse. He is the one with the problem. I found out that my ex has Border Line Personality Disorder and that was the cause for his behavior. He hasn't changed to this day and we have been divorced for 2yrs now. Unfortunately the chances of him changing for you are not very good, please don't take that personal. Hold your head up high, you are young and will have a bright future and find someone that loves you just as you are for who you are. I found love again. Please leave him as soon as you can. Best of luck. :)

Thank you so much, in all honesty you are the first on here to be empathetic and have a clear understanding because you undergone this same type of relationship. It's not easy to leave especially when you have people saying to "get out now." Seems like others blame you for staying, but we are not to blame for what caused our (boyfriends, fiancé, or husbands) to abuse us. Woman are more prone to be sympathetic and empathetic towards most (men, friends, children family) in general. Not all cases, but most women are. I believe that is what keeps us in abusive relationships maybe because we are hopeful. I truly understand by your response and I appreciate your advice, greatly!
I'm not married or with children yet, but my boyfriend always talks of us being married and having kids. I asked him one day... "How would you treat me in front of our child one day?" I said... "I will not bring a baby into my life for him/her to witness the behavior you have been towards me." and I was surprised because his only reason for wanting a baby with me is so "no other man would want me." That I would be his only." I'm thinking what on earth... No! If I have a child with whomever one day it's going to be a mutual agreement and for the right reasons.

I agree with what you said about cheating. I always said "if your guilty of what I'm doing everday, the. You are guilty yourself." , but I'm not the jealous type. Everyone gets jealous time to time it's healthy, but not to the extreme.

I also wanted to say you are a brave woman. You should feel proud yourself for making a decision to not be with him anymore. I do believe people can change, but only if they TRULY want to be the change in themselves for the better of their spouses, family member and so on... but not by themselves with the right therapy. Did you notice his behavior beforehand about the borderline personality disorder? Maybe not the exact term, but did you sense something wasn't "quite normal?" Because I notice my boyfriends attitude and how he can change so easily into a whole other complete person. It can be difficult I imagine.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

No more excuses, call your mom, dad, brothers, or trusted close male and then call the cops. Assuming he lives with you and if you are with him, get your stuff and go NOW!

No more talk, and rationalizing or thinking. Action is what you need so gather your support around you and get the cops to get him out of your house, and life. Waiting for courage to hit you, or love to come back, or another promise of change is a foolish thing at this point.

I wish you luck but hope you get off your A$$ and do the right thing for yourself. Sorry to be blunt, but its THAT important.

Yes you are right, you aren't being blunt about this, I understand. Sometimes we all need that nudge to move on, so I thank you.

Oh my my my. The rest of us here are very empathetic. You want sympathy, not empathy. You want to talk and vent and compare notes and feel abused. You want to now start telling us the retaliatory things you tell him. Excellent jab, very clever, the bit about not having children. Good luck. I don't wish you any harm but it's pretty obvious now that you aren't going anywhere.