I am 19 years old and have done everything in my life to the best of my ability. I have done countless volunteer hours, numerous pageants, several leadership positions and high grades. My parents were great until I got to high school where it all went down hill. I am a great person and do everything and anything I am asked: work for the family business, cleaning, chores and everything in between. I rode horses since I was eight and owned my first horse at 12 and was really into it but once high school started my parents started hating everything I do, especially my love of horses. They wouldn't let me out with my friends, I couldn't call my boyfriend, it was a struggle to even leave my house for homework.

I keep pushing to get their respect/love back, but it never happened. My grades started slipping and at the end of high school I needed an extra year to catch my breath from the change but they sent me off to a college I wasn't ready for. I had a rough time and failed my course and it took me awhile to get things together, but I am getting back on my own two feet. I found a program I like and have everything arranged. My parents promised they would help pay my schooling but change their mind day to day so I cannot arrange anything!

I am very embarrassed to talk to people because my parents will change their plans five minutes before we have to go somewhere without telling me.It feels like they are constantly telling me I am a , a liar, stupid and irresponsible. I worked very hard thought my youth so I could be a respectful adult and make them proud. I am very sad now that they do not care whether I am successful or not. I am confused because every other person I know thinks the exact opposite except my parents, HELP!

You're 19. Do you attend college away from home? Do you work?

Given you are 19, you need to take control. If your parents won't help you financiall, find other financing options. Get a job. Stop arguing with them. You have to find a way to do this on your own.

I have a feeling you're leaving something out - like why they are having trust issues with you and are acting critical. What is their complaint?

There are two sides to every story, and I have to say, I'm always wary when someone comes to this site singing their own praises, telling us how perfect they are, how wonderful they are, that they're the ideal child, and it's all their parents fault. I'd love to hear your parents side of the story, I'm sure there's much more to this than you're telling us.

I'm not saying that you're lying to us, it just feels like you're leaving something out. No one is as perfect as you claim to be.

Bottom line, you're an adult. If you want to go to college, find a way to pay for it, don't rely on your parents for support. Move out on your own and live your own life, that's what adults do.

Good luck.

So work, get student loans and grants and go to school, you are in control

Unfortunately, I have watched other parents change as their children entered into high school. It was almost as though their own pasts were haunting them and they didn't want their children following in the path they took. They see their own fears instead of the individual they are raising.

That said, I am wondering if there might have been something that caused their shift in behavior.

You cannot make someone respect you any more than you can make them like or love you. The only person you have control over is yourself and your life. Are you currently living in their house or are you still at the college?

After reading your entire post a couple of times, I have to ask if you want their respect, love or money?

Money does not equal love or respect. They could give you all the money they have but it wouldn't mean they love or respect you. People throw money at problems every day with the thought that it will make the problem go away.

Love can be shown in many ways and sometimes between parents and children it may not be expressed the way the child expects it to be. In some families, it is traditional to show outward affection to younger children, but not to older ones. Sometimes it is fear of losing the bond with their child that causes parents to seem more distant and demanding. It doesn't mean the love is gone. It means you have to look deeper to find it.

Respect is not something you can expect just because you do x, y, and z. You may be doing what you think it takes to earn their respect, but it isn't that simple. Some people will almost always expect more or something else. For example, going to college for many parents is enough. For others, it has to be a certain school or career path. Even if you follow the path they want, they could still raise the bar with perfect grades, working for the 'right' company, making a certain amount, etc. They are very rarely satisfied enough to show any respect they do have.

All you can do is live your own life and respect yourself. Accept your parents for the individuals they are. Now that you are an adult, you may have to make decisions about your life that will be painful. One of them might be limiting your interactions with your parents until you get your life straightened out.

Some concrete data to add to the above:
We hit a big recession about 5 years ago, so you were about 14.
Your parents, who you say own their own business, were probably hit hard financially, and may have been hit around the time you say they changed. It didn't all happen one week, month, or year. And even if they weren't hit in an obvious way, they surely were worried. The entire country has been, and still is.
You 'owned your first horse at 12,' but I doubt that you paid for all the years of riding, the horse, and the maintenance on it, other than a token amount from presents of money and babysitting.
One of the things teens just never seem to be aware of is MONEY. I'm not blaming you, because I didn't either.
You also have a 'which came first' credibility problem with me. You say you had high grades but then say your grades slipped. Could that be why they didn't want you going out, and who needs to go out to do homework? At a friend's house? Nope. IF you are getting all As, THEN you get to go out.
But back to money, before you blame all this on lack of respect, please keep in mind that perhaps you just didn't get the horror of parents who don't know where their next dollar is coming from, whether to pay for all the luxuries their children were used to, or just keeping a roof over your heads.

I just read this again and here are more thoughts for you:

- Helping in the family business, doing chores and doing homework are a given. I did all these things, too. Talk to any kid who grew up on a farm about how hard they work. My son has friends who's parents own restaurants and other businesses and after school, they are dropped off at the family business. They do homework in the back room, and then come out and take care of customers. That's just life - you do your part with your family.
- Horses are expensive. You may have gotten "your own" horse but I'm sure you didn't pay for it. If your parents felt that your interest in horses was becoming excessive for a hobby, they probably restricted some of your time spent on it - particularly when your grades slipped.
- Parents do step in with girlfriend/boyfriend relationships between their teens when one of several things is going on. If their child is dating someone they feel is a bad choice, the parents will try to discourage the relationship. For example, if the boy doesn't treat you right, they will step in. Or if the relationship is too serious for the age of the kids, and the parents fear pregnancy. Or if the relationship is a distraction and the child's grades are slipping. Or if the relationship is full of drama like arguments and hurt feelings.
- Your "need" for a year off sounds like immature whining to me. You wanted a year-long vacation and your parents aren't OK with that. Every year you take off is another year they are supporting an ADULT. They want, need and expect you to be productive. At 19, you don't know what tired is yet. Your parents would probably like to take a year off, too - not likely to happen until they retire. Why do they owe you something they have earned but can't have?

Your parents want you to stay on track and be productive. Being distracted by boys and horses while sliding in your grades and entering college with an attitude that you should be able to take the year off - makes you sound quite entitled and immature. If my child acted like that, I'd be disappointed, too.

Everyone,
I work two jobs. I work 12 hour days with my parents with waitressing all evening. The promised me all trough high school they would pay for my education and then a few days after I accepted they told me they change there minds. It caught me off guard and I am not prepared because they promised to have my back anf why would you not trust you own parents. I do not know what else to tell you. I have tried asking them nicely to discuss the situation. They just say I'm selfish and they are giving it to my sisters. I am not perfect no one is but I have always tried very hard to be successful.

' They just say I'm selfish and they are giving it to my sisters.'
Could you elaborate please? It's just not making sense. Why are you more selfish than your sisters? How old are they? Are they in college?
Did you drop out, or flunk out, or what? If you are working 12 hours a day, how can you find 'a program you like?' Do they not want to pay for any more school because you flunked?
Again, this has the sound of a chicken-egg. You wanted to go out with your boyfriend, your friends, your horse... but grades were slipping... then you wanted a year off but they made you go to school, where you flunked...
It's just impossible to know if you are rightfully blaming your parents for your failures or if you are the cause of them.
But the way you write makes it sound like you tend to blame them for everything.

I also want to add that I have been paying for all my horses stuff since the beginning of high school. I wanted the year off because I was accepted to take an extra year co-op that is very hard to get into at my school and my parent said no college is the answer and that it didn't matter even though it meant a lot to me. I do notwork for a regular family business, my family owns a slaughter house. I am 19 and I am not only retail but also slaughter co manager. I spend my time shooting cattle in the head for hours a day " when my sisters shouldnt have to end up doing that". Everyone thinks Im hiding something, like I did something to my parents, if I did I wouldn't be telling you my story because I would know why Im being treated this way.

Oh and as for money, my mom is a teacher and my dad owns a million dollar business. We live on 100 acres 20 kms from anything and have all the toys (atv, boat, ski doo, sea doo etc). We are very well off. Its not the money for me through. I wish they would have told me before I accepted the program that I was going to pay even though they have promised since grade 9 they would. I have my horse, dog and truck and may enough money to save for money during school anf take care of them. Now in one week that all is being thrown away for reason I don't even know.

Jezo, it's good that you are defending yourself in the face of adversity.
I'm willing to admit when I am wrong.
Tell us more about the differences between you and your sisters. Apparently something about being the oldest is having an effect on all this, and some parents don't like the oldest just because they are partial to the younger, still sweet and innocent children, while the oldest is showing all the normal signs of being adult and independent. Not putting words in your mouth, or even totally changing my mind - yet!

I don't like anyone blaming anyone else - your grades plummeted because of your parents, plummeted to the extent where you required an additional year to finish school?

Pageants? Who wanted to enter pageants? I entered when I was younger, to pay for College. Sometimes I won, sometimes I lost. It's a brutal, cruel world - no one understands pageants until they've been in one. The cruel fact is that someone will always be prettier, thinner, smarter, something else.

Is the basic problem that you are treated one way, the expectations placed on you are one set of expectations, and your sisters have different rules, different expectations, something else?

Sibling rivalry is rough and, yes, for whatever reason sometimes parents favor a child or two over another.

As far as paying for your college, did they withdraw support based on grades or something else? "Our" agreement with our stepchildren was that we would pay their tuition as long as they maintained certain grades - and my hsuband meant it. One daughter began to fail, and he warned her and then withdrew his support for that semester. It was harsh, she had to get loans, but she survived - and her grades improved. Is that the problem?

On a side note - my "baby" sister could hold up banks on videotape and my mother would believe it was someone else. I was an adult, having worked since I was 16, always paid my own way, before I found out that my Mom paid for my sister's car. I, of course, paid for my own car. Why? Because she was "the youngest"? Was I angry at first? Angry, disappointed, whatever. Did it do a favor for me in the long run? Sure - I can make my own way, and I know it!

Hang in there!

I don't blame my parents it was just hard to get good grade when I couldn't use the phone, couldn't leave to work with friends and we never had internet at my house until I was almost finished school. I couldn't stay late at school cayse hey would think I was going somewhere else. They always said figure it out but I didn't live in town I couldn't walk to someone's place. It was frustrating and unmotivating when I was trying very hard. Pageant I wanted to try.. not for money but actually to advocate agriculture.. my true passion. Any money I won would go back to my parents anyway. My sibling situation is very weird of how we are treated. My youngest sister is treated just like me and my middle sister is treated like a queen. The strange part is that my middle sister I hate to say doesn't try.. my parents do everything for her and will give her the world. My youngest sister and I are high achievers and are treated as if we have never tried for anything.

I've gone through the "sister" thing for years, and I never understood why one out of three is the favored child. I read someone that sometimes the "unfavored" child reminds a parent or parents of someone they don't like - usually a relative.

I don't know - but, boy, can I sympathize!

Perhaps I was too hard on you. I am the youngest of three kids. My brother and sister were, and still are (in their fifties!) catered to by my parents and I never have been. They treat me as they should, so it's not sour grapes that I want more - I'd hate for them to do for me what they do for my siblings. I think what they do for my siblings is ridiculous at times. For example, my sister rarely drives anywhere - my 75+ year old parents have to pick her up if they want to see her, though she has a new car and no driving challenges at all. As for my brother, my mom always sends him home with tons of food, even though he's a gourmet cook, a professional guy and doesn't need it. He's 52, for Pete's sake! My brother doesn't even want the stuff, and takes it only to keep the peace, so I don't blame him.

My parents once told me that they love us equally but treat us differently because we are different people and need different things. It's generally been true but at times, I didn't get what I needed and felt they were over-indulged. As an adult, I realize it doesn't matter. My relationship isn't about anyone else's with my parents, and it's not a competition with my siblings. Now that you are an adult you get to set your own limits, with your parents and everyone else. Empower yourself!